UNDER CONSTRUCTION...A TEENY BIT MESSY!!
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A hole in his bag of marbles.
A living example of artificial intelligence.
About as bright as a black hole.
About as sharp as a bowling ball.
About as sharp as jello.
As sharp as a marble.
Grease spot on the driveway of life.
Knitting with only one needle.
One sandwich short of a picnic.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Studies hard for blood tests.
About as smart as live bait.
All sail and no boat.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
His Slinky's kinked.
Strong, like a Bear...Smart, like a Tractor.
Not the brightest color...in the crayon box.
This is how you are given your own your "Star Wars Name"
1. First 3 letters of your 1st name
2. First 2 letters of your last name
3. First 2 letters of your mom's maiden name
4. First 3 letters of the city in which you were born
FOREIGN MISINTERPRETATIONS AROUND THE WORLD...
"Bite the wax tadpole." -Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese
"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -"Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese
"Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -In a Tokyo Hotel
"Please to bathe inside the tub." -In a Japanese Hotel Room
"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up." -In a Leipzig Elevator
"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator
"Please leave your values at the front desk." -In a Paris Hotel Elevator
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily." -In a Hotel in Athens
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -In a Yugoslavian Hotel
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -In a Japanese Hotel
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastary
"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup" with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion." -On the Menu of a Polish Hotel
"For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service." -In a Hong Kong supermarket
"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."-Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop
"Drop your trousers here for best results." -In a Bangkok dry cleaner's
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -In a Rhodes tailor shop
"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years." -From the Soviet Weekly
"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." -In an East African newspaper
"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -In a Vienna hotel
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -In a Zurich hotel
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -In a Rome laundry
"Would you like to ride on your own ass?" -Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
"Stop: Drive Sideways." -Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan
"Special today---no ice cream." -In a Swiss mountain inn
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts." -In a Tokyo bar
"We take your bags and send them in all directions." -In a Copenhagen airline ticket office
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor." -From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
Make race car noises when people get on and off.
Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
Walk on with a cooler that says "St John's Hospital - Transplant dept. -Human Head" on the side.
Start a sing-along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
TV AXIOMS
There may be an occasional exception, but these are almost always true.
1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a
maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. Crazy people are always dangerous.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Ugly people are always bad guys.
9. Good guys are always good looking.
10. Sex, murder, and mayhem is a way of life.
11. Good guys are the only ones that have a sense of humor.
12. Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
13. If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.
14. The head bad guy is always smart. The guys working for him are always stupid.
15. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
16. Bathrooms are only made for sex, murder, and drugs.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. Women will faint at crucial times.
19. Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Chinese people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are either unhappy or private detectives.
23. Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
24. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
25. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
26. Indians make good fodder.
27. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
28. Computers never crash.
29. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
30. No one farts, except after eating beans.
31. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 people.
32. Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but will leave before finding out if it works.
33. Christmas Eve and Halloween night lasts for three or four days.
34. Movies based on true stories are always made up.
35. Police never wait for back-up.
36. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
37. Private detective work is glamorous.
38. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
39. All police killings are in self defense.
40. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
41. All DJ's wear sating bomber jackets with their names embroidered
42. Good guys don't take drugs.
43. Nobody on TV has time to watch TV.
TRUE RADIO STORY
This is story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
<
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
>>Radio Silence<<
>>Advert<<
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
SHERLOCK HOLMES JOKE
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep....
FUNNIES
*Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
FACTS...
*Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lighting than women!
ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS ...
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
Reuters-Tel Aviv
An Israeli woman's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the Jerusalem Post newspaper reported yesterday.
Medical Transcripts
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
MENS RULES
Rule #1: If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
TRUE STORY - Feed them kitchen slops by all means
and corn husks and acorns. Feed them a sumptuous eight
course meal served on Delft china. Feed them anything
you want, but never, ever give a pig marijuana.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Sears hairdryer:
On a bag of Fritos:
On a bar of Dial soap:
On some Swann frozen dinners:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
On most brands of Christmas lights:
On a Japanese food processor:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a child's superman costume:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
OXYMORONS
Peace force
Cultural differences
Aussies : Believe you should look after your mates.
Aussies : Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Yanks : Spend most of their time glued to the idiot box
Yanks : Spell words differently, but still call it "English"
Yanks : Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Yanks : Seem to believe that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canucks : Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid assimilation.
Canucks : Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it.
All the following are genuine UK band names from 1989.
Cheesy Hood And The Precautions
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the a*r#s!e !
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." - "What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent. "
*Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
*My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
*I was put on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so
far behind, I will live forever.
*I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
*There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
*The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
*The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
*Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
*Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it !
*If nobody ever took risks, Michaelangelo would have painted the Sistene floor.
*It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!
*A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!
*The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!
*There are more than 50,000 earthquakes throughout the world every year!
*The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!
*Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right of left handed... pawed
*The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven!
* Nose prints are used to identify dogs, just like humans use fingerprints!
* Bulls are colorblind, therefore will usually charge at a matador's waving cape no matter what color it is -- be it red or neon yellow!
*A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it's there, though!
*The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons!
*The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people!
* A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court!
*After eating, a housefly regurgitates its food and then eats it again!
*Most lipstick contains fish scales!
*Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands!
* No piece of dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!
*Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!
*Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants!
* Porcupines float in water!
* Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head"!
*The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"!
*The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds!
*Cat's urine glows under a black-light!
*The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1!
*The electric chair was invented by a dentist!
*Windmills always turn counter-clockwise. Except for the windmills in Ireland!
*A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average!
*Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand!
*A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night!
*Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone!
*A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside!
*A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off - it dies from starvation!
*Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie!
*The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year!
*One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television!
* Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete!
* Over 1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows!
* Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark!
* During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!
* Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food!
* Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
*There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!
* About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!
* More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!
*Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe!
*Slugs have 4 noses!
* Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!
* Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!
* The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!
* A jellyfish is 95 percent water!
* The katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs!
* More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
The woman, frightened by the insect when she found it in their living room, stepped on it, threw it in a toilet and sprayed a full can of insecticide on it when it refused to die.
Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a cigarette. When he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide fumes ignited, "seriously burning his sensitive parts," the Post wrote.
When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified man's pelvis and ribs.
*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Rule #2:If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule #3: Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule #4: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule #5: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule #6: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule #7: Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule #8: When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Brazilian pig-farmer Paulo Sergio Goulart did with
disastrous results. Mr Goulart had discovered 40 large
bricks of the narcotic wrapped in plastic bags and hidden
in his barn.
Thinking they were a type of alfalfa, he
fed them to his porkers who immediately began to act
in a 'very saucy manner'. 'They ate my wellingtons,'
said a terrified Mr Goulart 'and had sex with my tractor'.
The stoned swine then charged en masse into the local
village, where they destroyed a fruit stall, uprooted
several gardens and attacked a priest who ran at them
with a crucifix crying"Jesus is the Lion of Judah!".
They eventually fell asleep in the local church
and were transported home in wheelbarrows.
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
"You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special.)
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how . . .?)
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . . )
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save more time?)
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a newsflash.)
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere? My God!)
Now then
Pretty Ugly
Diet ice cream
Butt head
Working holiday
American history
Alone together
Same difference
Airline food
Resident alien
Act naturally
Good grief
Irish Believe you should mate... while on the look out
Brits : Believe you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Yanks : Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves
Canucks : Believe that's the government's job
Yanks : Encourage being mistaken for Canadians while abroad.
Canucks : Are rather indignant of being mistaken for Americans while abroad.
Brits : Can't possible be mistaken for anyone else while abroad.
Canucks : Don't but only because they can't get more American channels
Brits : Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels
Aussies : Export all their shitty programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where
everybody loves them.
Brits : Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English"
Canucks : Spell like the Brits, pronounce like the Americans
Aussies : Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in attempt to
get laid.
Canucks : Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits : Drink warm, beery-tasting piss
Irish : The only ones who can make beer
Aussies : Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Canucks : Seem to believe that wealth & success are morally suspect
Brits : Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things
Aussies : Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers
Yanks : Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits : Encourage immigrants to go to America or Canada
Aussies : Just don't allow them in
Brits : Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it
Yanks : Don't have to do either and couldn't care less
Aussies : Don't understand what inclement weather means?
Bob is 32
Gang Green
Pink Volkswagen
And The Cow Went Yech
Psycho's Mum
Cranial Cheesecake
Turbo Slag
Projectile Vomit
A Fridge Too Far
Son of God's Mate
Hairy Canary
Shit With Eggs On
Dang Wam Sam
Haddock Fish Beast
14 Iced Bears
Brief Case Full Of Slugs
Nel Mangle Versus The Robinsons
Emma Gibbs Loves Badgers
Door Marked Summer
Throd
Rancid Hell Spawn
Polished Electric Head
Only Ten Minutes to Get to Ledbury
Indigo Plankton-Motus
Ned The Sponge
Mad And Bonkers
Fat
Fat And Frantic
Foul Language And The Chicken
Toggle And The Dufflecoats
Billie Bowel And The Movements
Richard Brown And The House Of The Tragic Poet
Randolph Silage Pit And His Exploding Hamster
Dr Foulbreath And The Molten Medicine Show
Bongo Sherbert And The Electrified Yeti Wobblers
Joe The Crow And The Birdseeds
Invasion Of The Lego Men
Oedipus and the Mother Superiors
Things that Aren't Food
Painful Discharge
Pat and the Snow Kangaroos
Plate O'Shrimp
To Be Announced
