3-28-00
A long time ago, (a long time ago from my perspective) someone told me something that stuck. This was back in..umm..sixth grade? Maybe even earlier. I remember I was talking to some lady whose opinion was obviously important to me and she told me that her father had been a very quiet man who only spoke when spoken to, or when joking. He only ever really spoke of his feelings on rare occasions, and when he did, she said, it was awesome. She said that she could remember only three times that he had ever told her that he loved her, but every time that he did she remembered it like it was the most important day of her life. She said that he was an amazing person.
You see, this stuck in my head..I guess there's a part of me that wants to be like that. It really sounds like the cool way to be..
3-24-00
I hate when I can't get myself to do work even though I need to. *giggles*
3-23-00
Oh how amusing my sister is. She's one of my favorite people. And you know, that's funny, because we didn't ever get along when we were younger. This makes me think that people who don't get along with their siblings are really missing out. Cause I know I was missing out when I was always fighting with her, squabbling for no reason. God, we're so much alike even though we're sooo different. Seriously..I never even noticed until I left for college and really started missing her. I just am glad that we get along so well now. When we fight now, every now and then especially when I'm home for long times, it hurts more than it used to, though. But it's all good the next day, usually. Often times it's all good five minutes later. ;) That's how I like to be..cause I don't like to waste time being pissed. Oh well!
3-22-00
Why oh why does Kant have to be so hard to read? Gods..
There's this song by Guster I keep listening to..Center of Attention. I like it. It makes me chuckle.
Today I decided that if I had to become a vampire I'd fail miserably because I can't hurt people very well. I'm just bad at it.
And apparently I'm not forward enough. But I've no clue what that really means. *giggles*
3-21-00
Both today and yesterday I got to talk to people on the phone that I hardly ever get to talk to, and both times it was really, really fun. Sometimes I forget how important it can be to hear a person's voice. Sometimes I forget just how much a voice can mean. *smiles*
Ever think about the fact that I'm like..sitting up here at night writing these things while you aren't watching me? Have you ever thought about that? Can you imagine me typing these things up? Is that just nuts to anyone else? Can you imagine me typing in the html code for each journal entry? Because I know when I think about someone else typing up an e-mail to me, for example, I can't actually picture them writing the e-mail..I can only picture the end result.
Ah well! It's much more interesting to have that realm of suspense. No one watches me write these things...so you all are equal like that. *grins*
3-20-00
When you're hearing your thoughts echoed back to you in words, vocal recognition that you are not the only person thinking that way...it is the greatest sensation in the world. To know that you are not one of a kind..to know that you are not alone..is the most oppressive and simultaneously most relieving feeling in the world. It feels...good. I am not singular. I am not alone. No one is alone..
Sorry, lapsed into "Into the Woods" mode there. I will try not to let it happen again. Anyway, just thought I'd like to say..sometimes, people just need to hear you say something, and sometimes you just need to hear something said. And it's never something you can ask for, it's always something that just has to come of its own. Whee!
3-16-00
I was thinking about something today, when I walked around campus, but I can't remember what it was. I suppose it doesn't really matter that much, in the long run. It rained today, quite a bit, and I couldn't help but think that rain is pretty dang cool. Water, falling from the sky. How sublime! I don't use an umbrella or a hood usually unless I'm just not in the mood to be wet or if it's pouring (cause if it's pouring, I can't see at all if I don't at least block some of the drops from getting on my glasses). So I'm walking around, getting wet, watching all the other people trying not to get wet (some of them trying not to get wet so they can go inside and get into tight corridors and then get themselves wet. That's really amusing) and just wondering if there was anything I needed to do and it just felt good.
The only thing I dislike about rain is getting my jeans all wet. *giggles*
3-14-00
I've said it before and I'll say it again...happiness is everything. When I'm walking from class to class I notice that no one smiles by themselves. People in pairs or triples smile, laughing at each others' jokes, glad to be in another person's presence. But I think there's just as much if not more reason to smile alone as with friends. So much to see and hear, to think and love..life is pretty neat and so is the self. If you cannot truly smile and be satisfied when you are alone, then the happiness you experience around someone else is a sham, a fake happiness, and a shell. How can I say that? Because if you're pinning your happiness on someone else, then it's not really you who is happy, now is it? It is the you plural, the being around someone else, that is happy. "I am happy" occurs when I am alone and when I am around friends.
I'm not saying smile all the time...though it'd be nice. People are prettier when they're smiling, usually. *grins* But people should smile more when they are alone..
I find it amusing that people think if someone is smiling when they are all alone that there must be something wrong with them..I've actually heard people say that. Oh well.
3-12-00
Where've I been for the past two weeks is the question nobody's been asking me so very often lately. Despite opinions to the contrary, my lack of journal updates to this site has not been due to a heavier work load, a need for more sleep, or the fact that I was on spring break for a while. The fact of the matter is, I haven't updated my Daily Thoughts page because I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. When I started writing the Daily Thoughts, they were a celebration of beauty and joy, of the things that I found wonderful about the world, that other people just don't seem to see. By the end of February, I felt like it had become some sort of..I dunno. I just started to feel like nothing I was saying was worth it, and that people would start to think I just wanted attention. Or sympathy. Or something, anything, I don't know. And it's not that. I am not trying to draw attention to myself, and yet every day people are on my site reading my thoughts and how can they not be thinking about me while they do it? How can I not be drawing attention to myself? God how vain am I? To presume that people want to come to my site and read tripe day after day just about me? To waste bandwidth?
And yet here I am, back again writing about that same old familiar topic: Me. Why? I have no damn clue. My best reason is that at least it gets me writing every day. Several people read my site every day. Several people who want to know what's really going on in my head. So what have I been using my site for? Well, quite obviously, to show them what I'm really thinking, since I haven't the balls to tell them.
But no, that's not it at all! What I've really been using this for is what most people use a real journal for, to purge feelings that I need to purge! And the problem is, I'm showing them to a bunch of people who don't need to know this stuff! Who, in all honesty, I wouldn't tell about this stuff if they were sitting here with me begging me to talk. So why should I reveal it over this? Why should that make it easier? It shouldn't. Until I got my computer and ICQ, no one in the world new what was going through my mind. No one knew about all the things I truly thought about myself. No one knew the little insecurities I have, and the more things I let slip out on this site, the more of myself is revealed to more people. I don't know how comfortable I am with that. I mean I try to be a pretty strong person, and some people think it takes a lot of guts to have my poetry and my thoughts up here, but when it comes right down to it there is a large part of me that does not want a lot of people to know my insecurities. To know my depressions. To know what makes me hurt so, so very much more than anything else. I'm disappointed in myself for giving in to that desire to tell everyone these things. I don't know why I am disappointed, but I am. I want to say things. I want to help people who've gone through what I have. But I don't want to make people worry about me or whatever in the meantime.
So what does this mean for the Daily Thoughts page? I dunno. I really don't. I think for now that I'll go back to writing about the world and the things in it, and talk about things on a much more vague sense. No more deep probing information. No more discussions of how I've been sad lately, or depressed lately. No talking about curling up in balls or the things that truly bother me. Not yet, I'm not ready. And I realize that people would rather read these things, these personal things, just like people would rather watch a car wreck than watch it drive. But this is all I can handle right now. So this is all you get. If you stop coming to my page, I can handle that. I'd rather you didn't stop coming, cause that's what keeps me going is knowing that SOMEONE is reading, but if you do, I'll understand.
So this is as..personal as it gets for now. I'll find something else to eat up my inner self. I'll find something.
February's Journal
January's Journal
December's Journal
November's Journal
