Sins 1 Through 100

The Following are Sins in the eyes of The Potato:

1) Distributing a pamphlet entitled: "So You're Illiterate -- 10 easy ways to get help."
2) Putting "e" or "i" in front of a normal word to create a name for an Internet business.
3) Getting the bonus question on the SAT wrong.
4) "Mooning" old ladies with heart conditions.
5) Carrying a hand gun in case you are being stalked by a hockey player who wants to commit random acts of "hooking."
6) Drinking the Vice-Presidential milk.
7) Prank calling the President of India to ask if you can open up a Burger King franchise there.
8) Plowing snow with an unlicensed golf cart.
9) Kicking yourself in the forehead.
10) Distributing cattle pornography on the Internet.
11) Beating up old people and stealing their Social Security checks.
12) Insisting that the public pool mascot be "Dr. J."
13) Smuggling seal reproductive organs.
14) Writing a chain of "Go to page ___" instructions in one of the Jr. High music books that ends in an instruction to go to a page that doesn't exist.
15) Singing the Spanish version of "Old MacDonald."
16) Holding in laughs with your hand
17) Passing notes in class that are written on pieces of the tile from the classroom floor.
18 Writing out the conjugations of the Spanish verb "Constantinopoilzar," which exists but doesn't mean anything.
19) Putting a few live rats in with the heart transplant.
20) Marketing the 18th Century Family Size Cheese Balls Can (enough for mom, dad, all 8 kids, and Aunt Louise).
21) Insulting people in languages they don't understand.
22) Whacking Ronald McDonald in his big red shoes to see if his feet fill them.
23) Neglecting to graph your parabolas.
24) Convincing the foreign exchange student that it's an American tradition to attend school in the nude on Fridays.
25) Attatching the end of someone's large intestine to their mouth so that they reprocess the same food over and over again.
26) Crushing Trail Mix cups.
27) Having the theme song from "Batman" as your class song.
28) Trying to feed the world's hungry by growing corn in the median strip beside the Interstate.
29) Holding a knee-sucking contest.
30) Referring to Robin as "Batman, Jr."
31) Ridiculing someone because they can't make the "FBI" hand gesture to determine the force on a moving charged particle in a magnetic field.
32) Using gasoline to write the F-word or "The F-word" on a carefully manicured lawn.
33) Making a website consisting of a long, long, long series of alert boxes that the visitor gets stuck reading.
34) Packaging all of the pimentos back into the jar and sending it back to the company.
35) Using a plunger in a trumpet serenade
36) Trying to become "just like the Bee Gees" by watching the video to "Stayin' Alive" over and over.
37) Threatening, "I'm gonna rip you a new one!"
38) Chewing stuff up and spitting it out.
39) Driving your car into Kmart.
40) Believing that your birth created the '80s (until you were born, it was nineteen seventy-eleven).
41) Spray painting birds.
42) Nicknaming someone (Ragnar Loðbrok) "Hairy-Breeks."
43) Playing in the key of F when everyone else is in B flat.
44) Being unable to do the "stomp, stomp, clap" along with "We Will Rock You."
45) Pretending to have a speech impediment so that people will feel sorry for you.
46) Castrating without a license.
47) Castrating with a license.
48) Insisting violently that the first person singular in the present indicative of "saber" is "sabo."
49) Putting your feet up on the desk behind you during a test.
50) Removing the little pin the holds the spit valve on.
51) Putting someone's pillowcase in the freezer.
52) Making an entire 60 minute tape of Homer Simpson laughing.
53) Writing "Pastor Paul likes to take little boys out for ice cream" in the hymnal.
54) Putting mustard on stick pretzels at the pool.
55) Throwing Batman action figures out onto the football field.
56) Going through the turnstile, crawling under, and going through again to mess up the count.
57) Drinking a cup of hot bologna brine.
58)
59) Forgetting to write sin #58.
60) Criticising someone for how lame sin #59 is.
61) Arriving for work late because you don't believe in Daylight Savings Time.
62) Ripping off the metal facing that lists a calculator's second functions.
63) Interpreting the lyrics to "Tequila."
64) Mocking the Jumping Man.
65) Slitting someone's stomach open, tying the end of their large intestine to a post, and forcing them to walk around the post, winding up their intestine until they run out of intestine and they yank out the rest of their organs and die.
66) Carving someone else's name into the counter to get them in trouble.
67) Playing floor hockey in the UN building.
68) Putting extra sugar on Frosted Flakes.
69) Wearing GI Joe underwear.
70) Picking a cat up by its tail so it has to walk around on its front paws.
71) Overtightening a vise.
72) Performing a striptease in the middle of Interstate 80.
73) Trying tofind a situation in which youcan use the singular of "pants" or "clothes."
74) Refusing to sing "The Worst Pies in London."
75) Forcing ostritches to mate.
76) Holding a competition to see which of your friends can commit the most sins in a 24-hour period.
77) Building a dam accross the Ohio River in order to flood Philadelphia.
78) Laying on your back and seeing how close to your face you can hold an 11-pound axe before you lose your grip and drop it and chop your face in half.
79) Picking other people's scabs.
80) Trying to change a photograph by shaking it really hard to redistribute the ink.
81) Describing the paperboy's job as "passing the papers."
82) Opening all of the jelly jars in the Acme just enough so that the safety button pops up.
83) Recording someone's answering machine message, then calling them back and filling their tape with their own message.
84) Refusing to leave the hospital even after you're cured.
85) Drawing "tadpole people."
86) Trying to establish a good reputation by walking down the street shouting things like, "I'm not a Nazi!" or "I don't eat my children!"
87) Dancing the Obscene Goat Dance.
88) Running the WUBICAM (a thing that repels mosquitoes with a high-pitched squeal) indoors.
89) Movement before the snap.
90) Forcing people to speak to you in Anglo-Saxon.
91) Using edh (Ð ð) or thorn (Þ þ) instead of "th."
92) Using "Skeletor Skewers the Slaters" as your homecoming float theme.
93) Refusing to come out of the bathroom until you finish reading the exciting cover story in this month's issue of Journal of Climate.
94) Projectile vomiting.
95) Pretending to have Tourette's Syndrome.
96) Playing "Questions." (Holding a conversation made entirely out of questions, without repeating any or doing something lame like adding "right?" to the end of a statement.)
97) Getting a tattoo that says, "tattoos are stupid."
98) Forcing someone to impersonate Michael Jackson.
99) Making a doll called "Little Silver Boy" out of plywood and an old hockey stick.
100) Wanting to play cello in the marching band.

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