I realise there are some interesting aspects to this site. Because my name isn't on it anywhere, not even in the meta tags, it's hard to find unless you know what you're looking for. It's my one security measure to keep people who know me in real life reading this. Like Chris, for instance. He doesn't know the content of this site or its address. I don't want him to read it. It's bad enough that I told him a little about the situation with Jeff (I've done mucho bitching about that situation lately) and that I told everyone else. He doesn't need to know anymore. It would just hurt him. I know Chris may even be more innocent than Jeff. He's just so young in a lot of ways, despite being less than a year younger than I am. It's just too weird thinking about dating him.
As for me being on my brother's computer, well, it's good to be able to update. I checked my email and my plea to sign my guestbook worked - I got one yesterday from the person one behind me on the Incessant Babble webring. Of course, her name and address have escaped me, but if you press back in the webring, you'll get to the site. Really. And she's in my guestbook. But looking at other people's sites always makes me want to pour my heart out. I've been writing a lot. I always seem to when I'm on vacation. I just pour out stuff into my journal. And I've been neglecting this so it makes sense to pour into it, despite the fact that nothing of real impact has happened lately.
I'm babbling.
Anyway, I was writing in my paper journal that I was so angry with Jeff because he made me feel judged for who I am. He and someone else had this "you're not a christian, are you?" conversation. Which excluded those of us who they thought are. Isn't it worse to go about judging people when you go around getting upset because you think people are judging you? What was I supposed to do? Treat him differently? AAUUUGGHHHHH
And worst of all I think that the major problem might be sexual tension. No, I don't really believe that. I want their to be massive amounts of sexual tension so we could do all kinds of naughty things and go on hating each other. But he's too nice. *rolling eyes, which squeak because of the dry air* Why can't I find a guy who isn't too nice? What happened to those guys who used to be attracted to me? I guess I lost that air of vulnerability.
My brother has some decent music happening, but I think his playlist has been girlfriend influenced: Nelly Furtado??? Eek. I'll stick to the Tea Party.
you stay
silent, knowing, always in time
this is the love that's divine
sleep here
hoping, knowing, always in time
this is the love that's always divine
and i'm waitng
flowers of evil in my mind
and i'm waiting
dancing with fire on the edge
i'm waiting
remembering all of what she said
and i'm waiting
hoping the rains will wash away
i'm waiting
hoping a guide will show the way
and i'm waiting
dancing with fire on the edge
i'm waiting
remembering all of what she said
with this fire in the head
It's cool I can listen to The Tea Party again without thinking about david anymore. Except in that reference. It was a Tea Party CD we were listening to on our first date. Eeek. But it reminds me more of how things used to be, before David, which is definitely for the better.
© lily keller 2001
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