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Tuesday, August 9, 2005
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Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Just a spoonful of oil helps the medicine go down in the most oily way. Try not to gag too much. Vomit if you must, just not on the futon.
This morning your videos feel renewed. Dip them in oil and watch the sunshine sparkle off the heavenly VHS glow. Order a side of onion rings, rub them all over your face, and you'll be in for a summer slam-bam!
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Cry, little pony, cry. Let out your little pony tears and little pony feers. Cry, little pony, cry.
This morning the sun rises up over the horizon, the milk maid undresses the farm help, and the man in the basement stops stirring his black maple syrup. Whatever happened last night was lost in the pages of a history book from a long time ago. Just drink some orange juice and get plenty of sleep.
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I hope she'll die. She is really strict and what's even worse, she takes a really long time at Walgreens. If you see her, let her know I'm gonna kick her ass, ninja tutrle style.
Something may feel a little bit off today, existence particle. Like a skipping record just below audible temperature, the crop circles just beyond the horizon are coming up plump. A word of advice: do not iron edible underwear. All good things come to those who wait; make sure to sit around your house in your underwear drinking cheap beer and watching baseball.
This tour you are trying to book is really trying and you feel like booking it instead of booking it. Try something lighter, like editing a paper on your life story or constructing a treatment plan for the family of a medical patient. Maybe nothing in your apartment is ergonomic, but back strength is for pussies anyway.
Jeezum! You are so stupid.
You might make the mistake today of squirting the water out of a can of tuna, all over your brand new sports car! Lick it off, baby!
Everything Noam Chomksy ever told you iscontrary to what Howard Zinn tells you, absolutely true. Those two are such petty bickerers sometimes, it really gets your goat. So buy yourself a new goat and lead it out into oncoming traffic.
Yesterday's time warp has you in a bit of a dizzy spell. Place a finger or two in the back of your throat and wiggle it/them around. If you've still got tonsils, bat them back and forth a bit. Soon the dizziness will pass. Sacrifices must be made for the sake of personal well-being.
The great American novel 'the old man and the sea' was written post-lunchtime during a collective personal catastrophe down south. Who could have known that such a chain of events could result in so many high school students being so unimpressed with such a fine piece of literature?
Today is the day of independence, for all the creatures of the planet. Will Smith may come out of your bathtub and generate a massive assfiring. Do not eat the old tuna salad in the fridge. Back in feudal Japan, women and men would bath in gasoline.
There's one too many metal railings on the metal, stop meddling with metal medalions of doom and destruction, they can only spell your demise!!!
Jam got jammed in your jammy jams during last night's nightly slumber. Try jamming with a jam-band and eating peanutbutter and jam sandwiches and jamming the jam in your jammy-jam-jams. Shoney's serves an excellent breakfast menu. Try their buffet, and eat until you vomit all over your egg leavenings drowning in sausage juice.
The summer is one third over! That is, the summer is one third over if your notion of the summertime is limited to the totalizing discourses defining a natural cyclical evolution in terms of mathematical categorical divisions. Pee on that!
My oh my, what a beautiful nose you have this morning! It reminds me of a nose I saw on a big fat dude.
All the cool kids max out their parents' credit cards. Go for the gold!
Today is a perfect day to try out that brand new bicycle you got for Hanukah! Take it for a ride around the skate park, and don't forget to wear a helmet. Be careful with your underwear; sometimes the garbage looks very similar to the dirty laundry pile.
There is a house in New Orleans they call "the rising hotdog." Do not eat it; it is actually a house, not a hovering radioactive hotdog that if you eat you will become a superhero who can shoot mustard called "Hotdogman."
Tom Hanks once said: "Are you gonna finish that?" Soon upon thereafter, a regular avalanche of freshly cooked hotdogs came pouring out of the sky. This was the dawning of the age of Aquarius.
Today is the 76th anniversary of the first time a philosopher put a freshly made hotdog on a bookshelf next to Feuerbach and Fichte (under "frankfurter"). One way to make hotdogs is to boil them, another is to grill them, and yet another is to cover them in breadcrumbs and deep fry them in a vat of bubbling lard.
Your shoulder smells like Simple Green. What the frigging heck is wrong with you?
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
There is an unfortunate degenerative cycle in your life reseulting in the loss of thread on the kneecaps of your favorite pants product. Today is the day of regeneration. Buy some glue. Spread it all throughout your nostrils. Go skydiving. Make tender love to the exhaust pipe under the garbage truck.
Today you might feel a strange and disturbing insatiable craving for McDonalds' "McGriddle" breakfast sandwiches. Try your best to avoid giving in; eating five of them is likely to make the amputation of various body parts an absolute necessity. Instead try curling up with a good book like the Encyclopedia Brittanica volume L or Webster's Collegiate Dictionary from 1988 and sooth yourself by wrapping in an old burlap blanket and drinking boiled cabbage leavenings.
There is a really stupid looking rip down the buttcrack of your favorite outfit today. You could buy another one, but the problem would probably just resurface. A more permanent solution would be to just tattoo 'clothes' onto your naked flesh. Some people probably find that erotic. Others probably think it is one of the worst ideas imaginable. You will do what comes to you.
There once was a man from Nantuckett. He made many tasty nectars. Have some juice. Drink the juice you have. Have the juice you drink. What doesn't work for cake, does work for juice. Brita filtration technology is perfect for getting the yellow out.
There is a cosmic antcrap in your empirical tuna salad grinder this morning. Don't worry about washing it out; even if you succeed in keeping the tuna in place you will soggen the bread and eliminate the tasty mayo. Just aim for acceptance instead. Antcraps are hard to spot, so try to forget about it and just focus on the small annoying itch just below your left shoulderblade. Freud's death instinct can only be justified using inductive thinking or the assumption of divine principles governing instinctual psychology in a correlative process to the transformation of matter-energy. But this is a side note. What is really important is that you eat that tuna grinder with all the gusto of a pizza delivery driver on cold medicine.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Who put the bop in the bop she-wop she-wop? You put the bop in the bop she-wop she-wop! At least today you did. Reality is multiplicitous and shifting according to alterations in collective perceptual location. Basic quantum physics. Put some mustard on that dawg, mama!
Brain freeze! It sure is chilly in the freezer! Put that chilli in the freezer and have some pasteurized processed cheese food! Summer is here, and it ain't no bummer, in fact it's much funner, than buying a hummer! Turn that gown upside down!
It's not the heat; it's the humidity. Cool off with some refreshing ice water.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today you would do just about anything for a new haircut. Pesky split ends are flailing emabrassingly in the breeze. Clippers cost a little bit more, but in the long run they are cost effective when compared with seeing a barber, that is unless you see the barber once every couple of years. Consider your options, and weigh the pros and cons carefully. The only thing more important than your hair is your wallet.
Today you may get a bit flustered when you find out that channel 257 on your satellite cable is coming in a little fuzzy. Try not to panic. If you are able to keep distilled waters, so will flow forth the cosmos of your perceptual backview. You may need to go to the drycleaners this afternoon; take all the photos of your kitten off of the refigerator. It is really stupid looking (the refrigerator, not the kitten). And brush your teeth, scummo!
If Martin Lawrence and Martin Luther merged essenses the Earth would split open and Jesus would rise up from the great chasm, reflect upon the malady of our age and declare "Damn, Gena!" Today you are Captain Crunch. Do it up. And get some sleep.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
The planerts have a birthday party in store for you--on your birthday! Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Grab yourself some thirst quenching beverage and slurp it up like Brendan Frasier! Yesterday's schizoid condition is replaced by a new narcolepsy that permeates the vastness of the nether regions of hyperreality. You gotta wear shades, your future's so bright. At least your near future. Near meaning the next four hours. Future meaning your various florescent pink artifacts. Be ready for some football.
Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Nobody knows the sorrow. Today the world weeps for you. Everybody feels sorry for you and buys you a pancake. Poor you. Everybody feels sorry for you but yourself. You, enlightened one, are aware that all of your anguish is illegitimate, as is your existence. Your emotions are a brief cosmic pants-shitting in the fate of the starscape. Hate yourself, and you are closer to Nirvana (checkers).
Today is the day of dinosaurs for you. Many real and metaphorical lizards of massive size and strength will cross your path, and cause many traffic accidents. Be prepared to take action. Bring some bologna sandwiches. Not only are they a delicious and nurticious treat, but if a dinosaur tries to eat you, you may be able to bargain for your escape with the aid of a carefully launched bologna sandwich. It was no giant rock from outer space that killed the dinosaurs. You will too.
Today you have finally succeeded in seeing a real live breathing horoscope-monster. Happy days! Unfortunately, this provokes a kind of personal crisis when you come to the understanding that you have not read a horoscope in a few days. Holy crispitty crab crap! What to do? Consult the magic 8 ball!
Since it's Memorial day, you won't be able to make it to a computer to check your horoscope. Rough weekend.
For some odd reason you hallucinate that your horoscope is nonexistent today. What a rush.
Scrap metal can be used for many important projects. Some of your molars are developing cavities. Gas pricing may be back down, but the price of money is self-referential. Go sit in a cave and apply deodorant to your underarms. Happiness is an elusive neighbor.
A certain monotonous irony is hovering in the stars this week. Hopefully the stars will turn and the potato will mash back to normal within a couple of moon cycles. Until then, keep counting your chickens.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Thank Satan it's Friday the 13th! Today you will do a lot of skateboarding, pot smoking, and making out. It is a wonderful day to relive your youth, so make sure to tell your parents they don't understand you and stay over at a friend's house getting drunk and stoned while listening to metal really loud and watching an X-rated movie and talking about different kinds of painful and/or gory ways to die.
Whooh! It sure is hot today! Drink lots of fluids and don't wear too many layers. Sweating profusely can attract mosquitos and drive away potential friends and lovers. Go easy on yourself; if the sun gets to be too much for you at any point today take a break: lie down under a car and feel the pavement on your cheek. Make sure to stick a leg or an arm out far enough so that people will know you're under there.
That damn George Foreman grill!
Every day you wake up, and every day you go to sleep; that is, unless you stay up all night. Try something different today. Go for a walk. Chew on a dog. Run away from home. There are many ways to spice up your sandwich.
Your new pants are the hottest thing this year! You may not notice, but everyone else is noticing you today--especially your hot ass! Give glances back over your shoulder frequently. If you do it quick enough, you'll catch someone gazing longingly at your bunzy-wunzies. Don't be afraid to confront people directly about it; it's the only way to score!
You like Chinese food.
Some people believe that the world was created in seven days, and that on the final day, God rested. What doesn't make any sense about this, is that if God rested on the seventh day, that means he actually created the world in six days. What up wit dat?
It may take a village to raise a child, but only if that child is really fat. You, existence particle, are navigating icy seas this week, amidst hailstorms and stormy highways. Like the moon, you have a man in you. Just remember to wash your hands.
Dude, today you're like, totally baked! Fuckin you're like rockin that shit or whatever! Right on! You are so fuckin baked, man! You're gonna, like, piss all over the fuckin pizza, man! Whoah, you are totally stoned! Get some Fritos and some fuckin' grape soda and just fuckin blaze it, dude! Fuckin go nuts on that shit!
An ancient Canadian myth tells of a tarantula who sails around a volcano for 46 days, only to find that on the 46th night her raft has sprung a leek. She then paddles frightened to shore. That is when the volcano erupts. Lava comes billowing out and the tarantula is forced to consider a seemingly impossible choice: grow wings, swim, or drown in molten rock. Over the past week you have been like the tarantula, watching the lava approach, and hoping to avoid the inevitable. Now it is time to make your decision. Make the right one.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
Today is a new day. Yesterday was yesterday and tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is today. Make today today, and make it a day unlike yesterday. Yesterday today was tomorrow. Tomorrow today will be yesterday. Today today is today. Make today today today.
This is the time to remember, cause it will not last forever. Something in the way she moves attracts you like no other lover. Don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by. From a distance we are instruments marching in a common band. The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. We will rock you.
While there is much that demands your immediate attention, it is important to take time and reflect. Yesterday's excesses can mean tomorrow's coke habit. Stop worrying so much and just let karmic velocity guide your life's steering wheel. That baby carriage was in the middle of a fucking parking space anyway.
'Spring has sprung,' as the old saying goes. You have kept many projects on the back burner through the icy season, and now, as the flowers come out and the days grow longer, you are blooming too. A new well of motivation is driving you, existence particle, so seize the day! Buy that new sports car! Sleep with your best friend's partner! Try heroin! The term 'manic episode' is only a label people use who don't understand your lust for life.
They are playing a game.
They are playing at not playing a game.
If you show them you see they are, you shall break the rules and they will punish you.
You must play their game, of not seeing you see the game.
The stars are in your favor, existence particle. Unlike the pile of dogcrap underneath your jelly donut, you are not to be shadowed by sugary deliciousness. If you receive any phone calls today, ignore them. The best thing to do with your sexual energy is to sublimate it into the productive machinery of the ruling class. Keep at it, and that special someone will stop having the shits.