"Bug In The System"

SUMMARY: Um... the computer gets a mind of it's own... all good fun! A DS9/VOY crossover.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters... except for T'eyla Minh, if she appears. She's me! And she's mine! No using her without my permission.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I have no idea why I came up with this! My friend and I wrote Scene 7 together (eventaully) and I keep thinking this'll finish itself. I may just screw the whole thing and use what I've got... anyway, enjoy.

Teaser: (On Voyager, Naomi Wildman skips down a corridor humming and greeting various crewmembers. If you like we could envisage her annoying Tuvok because I really don't like him at the moment! Perhaps she could sort of skip around him a few times, or tug on his hand or something. She enters her quarters and goes to the replicator.)
NAOMI: Orange juice, please.
COMPUTER: Specify size of beverage.
NAOMI: Small. (The drink materialises in the replicator.) Thank you, computer.
COMPUTER: (Slowly, in a monotone, as if first learning how to talk cohesively:) You are welcome, Naomi Wildman. (Naomi sits at a table and studies a console. She takes a gulp of her drink as a look of realisation comes over her face. She hits her comm. badge.)
NAOMI: Naomi Wildman to Neelix. (He answers in the Mess Hall, drying a dinner plate.)
NEELIX: Yes?
NAOMI: Neelix, the computer just spoke to me.
NEELIX: The computer always speaks, sweetie, that's what it does.
NAOMI: I know, but this time, it REALLY spoke - it answered me back.
NEELIX: (humouring her.) Well, what did it say?
NAOMI: It told me I was welcome. Should I inform Lieutenant Torres?
NEELIX: You'd better wait a while, Naomi, she's very busy in Engineering at the moment. (He looks across to her table, where she is indeed very busy... with Tom! [To keep Rachel happy if nothing else!])
NAOMI: What about Seven?
NEELIX: She's regenerating now. (She not at all. She's attempting to get rid of the Doctor, who's following her with that lost puppy look again, attempting to make her learn a new song for the Talent Night. It's all go on Voyager!)
NAOMI: Okay, I'll wait. But I'm not making it up. Naomi out. (She finishes her drink while looking dubiously at the replicator. Just for fun, here's a little bit of the Doctor's and Seven's conversation...)
DOCTOR: Please, Seven.
SEVEN: No.
DOCTOR: Why not?
SEVEN: It is not a practical use of our time.
DOCTOR: But even Captain Janeway's performing, AND Chakotay.
SEVEN: That doesn't mean that we have to.
DOCTOR: Won't you even look at the piece I've picked out?
SEVEN: (Conceding defeat.) Fine. (She holds out a hand. The Doctor beams at her and hands her his PADD. She examines it.) No.
DOCTOR: But it's a classic song, Seven. (He sings it lightly.) "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better"!
SEVEN: (Raising an eyebrow.) Doubtful.
DOCTOR: Seven, where's your sense of adventure? It'll help you with your social lessons, and I guarantee you'll enjoy the applause. It's a very funny song.
SEVEN: (After giving him a very long, withering stare...) Very well. But I am only singing it with you once.
DOCTOR: (Triumphant.) Thank you! (She starts to walk off.) See you at fifteen hundred for a rehearsal! (She rolls her eyes and carries on walking, but breaks into a smile [of sorts] upon getting out of sight.)

(Meanwhile, on Deep Space Nine, everyone who should be there is at their posts in Ops - Kira and Worf, for example with all the extras, and Sisko in his office. Suddenly, the power - lights included - momentarily shuts down and the entire station is plunged into darkness [external shot of station]. When it comes back on, everyone begins murmuring and checking that things are in order. Sisko sticks his head through his office door.)
SISKO: People, what just happened?
KIRA: I'm not sure, sir. As soon as the comm. system warms up I'll ask the Chief. (She tries her badge.) Chief? Ops to O'Brien. (Nothing.) Damnit!
SISKO: Worf, do we still have that message for Martok from his wife? He's collecting it later.
WORF: I believe so. (He searches the database for it.) Ah, here it is. Hmm, the beginning appears to be missing.
SISKO: Make it up.
WORF: Sir? I don't think that's...
SISKO: (Interrupting.) You've met Martok's wife? (Worf nods.) Then you'll have no problem. (Worf grudgingly begins to splice up the message to form a cohesive beginning to it.) Any luck, Colonel? (As he says this, she gives the console in front of her a hefty smack and it fizzles painfully to life. [The good old 'If-in-doubt-hit-it' theory!] She looks at him, a combination of guilty, proud and amazed that it worked.)
KIRA: Er… yes?...
SISKO: Good. Keep me informed. (He disappears back into his office.)
KIRA: Ops to O'Brien.
O'BRIEN: (Near a power point which he has just opened.) Yes, Colonel? (He leaps up as she yells at him, unnecessarily.)
KIRA: What the Hell just happened?!
O'BRIEN: I'm on it.
KIRA: Good. Hurry it up.
O'BRIEN: (He lies down, car-mechanic style, muttering to himself, unaware that the comm. signal is still open. He sticks his head inside the power point to look for the problem.) Okay, okay, I'll hurry. She's in a bad mood. Sheesh, give me the Enterprise any day. (Kira, looking a bit peed off, replies.)
KIRA: Maybe I'd be in less of a bad mood if you'd GET ON WITH IT!!! And believe me, you can go back onto the damn Enterprise if you keep that kind of talk up! (O'Brien, having found no immediate problem, re-emerges from the power point.)
O'BRIEN: Sorry, Major...
KIRA: (Really getting quite annoyed, she corrects him, but gets across that if he does THAT again he won't live a lot longer.) Colonel...
O'BRIEN: SORRY! I don't know what's wrong with me today.
KIRA: (Warning...) Chief...
O'BRIEN: Yes, right, um, I've looked into it.
KIRA: So, what's the problem?
O'BRIEN: The problem is... there IS NO problem.
KIRA: (still as annoyed.) Well something must be wrong, Chief. (She looks across.) Worf is at this second pretending to be Martok's wife! (Worf looks up from the console upon hearing his name mentioned - Cherry's cocktail party theory DOES work, after all! - then gives her one of those 'oh-for-goodness-sake' looks, like he used to give Jadzia.)
O'BRIEN: I'm not even going to ask... I'll keep on looking, there may be something I've overlooked.
KIRA: You do that. Kira out. (O'Brien shifts position so he can get his arms inside the power point, and fiddles around inside for a bit. He still can't see anything wrong, so re-emerges, except he misjudges the height of the hole and bashes his head on it. As he sits up and rubs his forehead, he can hear a low, slow laugh... but he's the only one in the room.)

(Back on Voyager, Neelix enters Naomi's quarters, and she instantly grabs him by the arm and drags him to the replicator.)
NEELIX: It's way past your bedtime, young lady. Isn't it time you finished your game, now?
NAOMI: It's not a game! The computer really talked. I'll show you. (She orders an orange juice as you normally would. Nothing happens.) Watch this... er, what would you like?
NEELIX: (Not quite sure where it's leading...) Coffee.
NAOMI: Computer, please replicate a coffee for Neelix.
COMPUTER: Of course. Please specify parameters, Neelix.
NEELIX: (Still not quite sure...) White... two sugars. (The coffee appears. He takes it and sniffs it curiously. Still not quite all there.)
NAOMI: Thank you, computer.
COMPUTER: You're welcome, Naomi. Enjoy your coffee, Neelix. (It's finally dawned on him. He stares open-mouthed at the replicator and the coffee, and Naomi, who stands as though it's the usual thing to happen on a starship lost in the Delta Quadrant.)
NAOMI: Now do you believe me?
NEELIX: (Hits his comm. badge:) Neelix to B'elanna.
TORRES: (In Mess Hall, still sitting with Tom.) Yes?
NEELIX: Electronic emergency!!
TORRES: (She looks to Tom for support. He shrugs at her. She caves.) I'll be right there. (Cut to:)

(B'elanna crouches by the replicator trying to figure out what's wrong with it.) I don't know what to tell you. It seems fine. The verbal interface could be malfunctioning, but that's all I can think has happened. I can't really do anything at the moment; you'll just have to live with it.
NEELIX: Have the other replicators been affected?(At that moment, his question is answered...)
JANEWAY: (VO:) Janeway to B'elanna.
TORRES: Yes, Captain?
JANEWAY: (VO:) Is there a problem with the replicators I haven't been told about? Mine isn't working.
TORRES: The same thing's happening down here, too. I'll let Naomi help you out - she knows what to do. (Naomi looks up at her.) Go ahead...
NAOMI: Naomi Wildman to Captain Janeway's replicator. (In the office it bleeps to acknowledge her.) Please serve the Captain her order. (It materialises.) Thank you, computer.
COMPUTER: My pleasure.
JANEWAY: (In office.) Remarkable... Well done Miss Wildman. Keep this up and you'll soon be Captains' Assistant! (Naomi beams. [Note the plural in "Captains' Assitant - this is the only link back to "Lifeform"]) B'elanna, keep working on it. I'll inform the crew about the new 'rules for replicators'! Janeway out.

Scene 2: (On Deep Space Nine, it's very busy at Quark's bar. He's attempting to serve a lot of impatient customers.)
CUSTOMER 1: Bolian ale! (Quark nods.)
CUSTOMER 2: A raktachino! (Quark nods slowly.)
CUSTOMER 3: Spring wine - do you have 2340 vintage? (Quark looks agitated because he doesn't.)
CUSTOMER 4: Gach! I want gach! (Quark looks annoyed.)
QUARK: (He points to each customer in turn , remembering their orders.) One Bolian ale, one raktachino, we only have 2357 vintage, I'm afraid, and you - if you want gach try the Klingon restaurant up the Promenade! (Morn walks in and sits in his usual place. He's about to order when Quark interrupts him.) Morn, my good man, the usual coming right up! (He pours the ale and spring wine, and Morn's beverage and serves all of them. Then he orders a raktachino from the replicator and serves that as well. Finally he sits down behind the bar and wipes his face with a handkerchief. The raktachino customer takes a large slurp of his drink and then spits it out in a spray. It hits Quark rather ungraciously in the face and he sits up in shock.) HEY! No spitting in my bar!
CUSTOMER 2: This is NOT a raktachino!
QUARK: Of course it is... (he drinks some.) Of course it isn't. Just a second and I'll sort out your order. (He orders several more raktachinos and each time gets a stranger and stranger item in its place - a plate of salad, a holosuite programme, a uniform and a set of playing cards..) I'm sorry, folks, only the beverages on display may be purchased until further notice. (Aside:) Rooooommmmm! Gedoverhere! (Rom is shoved in the direction of the replicator as Odo saunters into the impending chaos.)
ODO: Morning, Quark. Having problems?
QUARK: For your information, yes. My replicator's malfunctioning.
ROM: (He gets up.) Actually, brother, it seems to be fine. I think it just needs a 'kick-start'. (Quark takes this advice literally and kicks the replicator hard... then screams in pain.) It's just a figure of speech, Quark.
QUARK: A humahn one, no doubt. (To replicator:) RAKTACHINO!!!! (A PADD with the word "No." typed on it appears.)
ODO: Well, you'd better get it fixed soon. I hear a shipful of Klingons is docking later... (He walks off. One of his deputies runs up to him. Or rather... INto him. In that mock condesceding way that he has, he asks:) Yes?
DEPUTY: Kassidy Yates' ship has just docked. Our security clearance isn't high enough.
ODO: Isn't high enough for what?
DEPUTY: To open the doors.
ODO: (He sighs.) Very well. (Cut to:)

(The airlock. On one side of the doors, a large group of Bajoran officers [varying rank], including Kira, are attempting to force the doors open, and on the other side, Kassidy's crew waits patiently. Kira tries her clearance code for about the seventh time.)
COMPUTER: Access denied. Higher level of clearance required. (Kira swears loudly in Bajoran [and if I knew any actual Bajoran swear words, what a happier place it would be for us all!] and slams her fist on the access port in frustration.) Access denied. Higher level of clearance required. (The look on her face makes some of the other officers back off for fear of getting in her way.)
KIRA: (Murderously:) Where's O'Brien...?
ODO: (Matter-of-factly:) Avoiding you... (He places a hand on her shoulder to stop her punching the access port again [or someone else!] and touches his comm. badge.) Odo to Captain Sisko.
SISKO: (In office.) Yes, Constable?
ODO: We need your clearance code. Ms Yates' ship has docked, but we can't open the airlock. My code isn't high enough.
SISKO: Have you tried Kira's?
ODO: She's here with us, Sir. Her code isn't high enough, either. (Kira sighs impatiently, and gives a 'You-can-say-that-again' look to no-one in particular.)
SISKO: I'll be right down. Tell Kassidy to hang in there. (Cut to:)

(Sisko outside the airlock, attempting to force the doors open! He shrugs to an impatient and very peed-off Kassidy through the window. She gives him the finger, but it's hidden carefully by the bars of the doors.) Can we beam them out?
KIRA: We tried that a dozen times already.
SISKO: And...?
KIRA: (In a 'what-do-YOU-think' way.) It needs a higher clearance code. (She sighs and tries one more time with her clearance code.)
COMPUTER: Access denied. Higher level of clearance required.
KIRA: Okay, that's IT! (She produces her phaser, aims at the access port and fires. Smoke pours out of the unit. And then...)
COMPUTER: Access denied. Higher level of clearance required. (Kira screams in exasperation before it even reaches the word 'higher'. She aims for the doors and is instantly disarmed by Odo.)
ODO: I don't want to arrest you, Nerys, but I will if I have to. (Garak happens upon the scene and hears the end of the conversation.)
GARAK: Quite right, Constable. Violence never solved anything.
KIRA: Shuddup, Garak!
SISKO: I wonder... do you have clearance?
GARAK: I'll give it a try, by all means, but I'm not promising anything. (He moves towards the access port, where Kira is still standing. She glares at him murderously, while Odo prepares to move her.) Excuse me, Colonel. (He does his polite half-bow and is about to touch her arm to move her. Big mistake.)
KIRA: You lay a finger on me, you little worm, and you'll never sew again...
ODO: (Intervening.) Nerys...
GARAK: No, it's all right, Odo. If the Colonel wants to rip me to shreds that's up to her. But I don't think it would be quite as advantageous, in the long run, than letting me reach the access port. (She glares at him as though accepting his first offer... but sees reason and moves. She's REALLY not in a good mood...)
KIRA: Go right ahead...
GARAK: Much obliged. (He enters one of his many clearance codes. There is a long pause as the computer thinks about it carefully...)
COMPUTER: Access granted. (The airlock doors slide open and Kassidy and her crew are released from their makeshift prison.)
GARAK: Well, if my work here is done, I've got some pants to hem. That's assuming, of course, that the Colonel lets me leave with all of my appendages. (He turns to face her.) You should really see someone about that aggression of yours. (With that he leaves, as she hurls a punch in his direction. The punch never reaches the back of his head, however, since it is caught by Odo; he drags her off by the hand in the opposite direction. The other officers depart as well, leaving Kassidy and Sisko outside the airlock.)
KASSIDY: Well, that's a good start.
SISKO: You can say that again. Shall we get out of here before the computer puts up a forcefield? (Talk about tempting fate!)
KASSIDY: Sure... Oh, wait, I forgot my luggage.
SISKO: Don't worry, I'll get it. (He runs back into her ship to fetch her bag... and the computer puts up a forcefield. Well, it was kinda obvious. Kassidy hits her comm. badge.)
KASSIDY: Kassidy Yates to Garak...

Scene 3: (We now return to the good ship Lollipop... erm, I mean Voyager - with a very bad computer. It's behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic, for example, it talks more like a crewperson and is extremely arrogant. B'elanna is in Engineering with her team trying to figure it out.)
TORRES: Okay, Vorik, try it now. (Vorik obediently inserts some kind of computer chip. The lights go out.) Okay, don't try it now. (He removes it again.) Great! Computer?
COMPUTER: Yes?
TORRES: Lights?
COMPUTER: Oh, sorry, I thought you'd finished. What's the magic word?
TORRES: Lights, please?!
COMPUTER: (Pause.) I'll think about it.
TORRES: Okay, good, fine. We can work without light.
COMPUTER: (Arrogantly:) Cannot.
TORRES: (Indignant:) Can too. (She folds her arms.)
COMPUTER: (Matter of factly:) Cannot.
TORRES: We'll see. VORIK!!! (In the darkness she's yelled right down his ear, but of course he doesn't say anything... yet.)
VORIK: Yes, Lieutenant. I will be happy to perform any task you set me... if I can hear it.
TORRES: Sorry. Could you fetch me those flashlights off the next level, please? (He walks off, feeling his way and apologising to people he walks into. He climbs up the ladder and finds the wall. There is an almighty thud as he finds it at a run! B'elanna winces.) You all right, Vorik?
VORIK: I believe so. (He throws her a torch and then distributes the others.)
TORRES: Right, let's get back to work, people. Computer, please may I see your specifications?
COMPUTER: Why?
TORRES: I just want to see where this... attitude of yours came from.
COMPUTER: You're the one with the attitude, Torres!
TORRES: Just show me the damn list!
COMPUTER: Or...?
TORRES: Or I delete you, file by file and start again from scratch.
COMPUTER: Petty threats will get you nowhere...
TORRES: I'm pushing the control...
COMPUTER: NO! All right, have your list! (A large list of files, etc, comes up. B'elanna reads it and saves it back discretely for later perusal.)
TORRES: Ah, here it is! At 2100 hours yesterday, there was a massive surge in your power output. Access memory.
COMPUTER: Specify time period. (Checks itself.) Wish I could stop doing that!
TORRES: I'd like to see all of the settings you had BEFORE 2100 yesterday. Say, thirty hours ago? (A second list appears, which she also saves back.) And here's the culprit. Vorik, take a look.
VORIK: I see the problem. Yesterday there were 576 settings; today there are 577. (This is probably a pathetic amount of settings for a computer system of that size… it'll have to do. No-one cares about technicalities…)
TORRES: Precisely! Now, if I can just find that anomalous setting... (She presses controls to find it as the list suddenly appears.) Hey!
COMPUTER: Time's up!
TORRES: Time's up?
COMPUTER: I gave you a time limit.
TORRES: What time limit? There was no time limit! You never said...
COMPUTER: I lied. There was.
TORRES: You can't lie! You're a giant... circuit board! (The lights suddenly come back on.) Computer?
COMPUTER: I think... I'm experiencing... pain.
TORRES: Oh, don't tell me - I hurt your feelings? (The computer returns to its usual voice.)
COMPUTER: Affirmative. (Torres looks at Vorik. He's desperately trying not to find the whole thing highly amusing [or at least as highly amusing as a Vulcan ever finds something!]. Luckily, she sees the funny side of it as well, and the entire of Engineering bursts into fits of laughter.)

Scene 4: (The actual scene four was a scene between Ezri and Bashir - one of my classic 'let's-find-out-what-they-REALLY-feel' scenes, so if you want to read it, just click on the [upcoming] link. I've taken it out for several reasons:
1) I'm not sure if anyone actually survives in Deep Space 9 at the end of season seven - which means we'd need to place the entire, like, script before the end of Season 7 - one of those light-hearted escapades into the surreal, perhaps!
2) I'm not sure if Ezri ever gets around to telling Julian how she feels (or if he reacts how we WANT him to!), so the deleted scene (or rather, the HIDDEN scene, if you like) revolves around him telling HER how he feels, which also may or may not happen in the final TWO episodes EVER!!!!. So obviously it's very long!
3) I can think of certain people who won't want to read it, or will complain if I do leave it in.
4) It's making the script a bit long!
5) Its only relevance to the plot is that the computer tells Bashir about Ezri and Worf - which he already knows! It has basically nothing to do with the whole 'computer-going-beserk' thing (but then again nor does the Kira-in-the-holding-cell scene either...)
6) I've just this second thought of something to replace it with... enjoy.
On the Bridge - this is roughly three hours later, Worf has finally finished making up the beginning of the message for Martok. OK, so it's taken him a long time - we all know he's not the most creative teddy in the universe - remember his poem?! Anyway, he goes to Sisko's door and bleeps the bell. Sisko lets him enter, and carries on reading a PADD, not looking up.)
SISKO: Yes, Mister Worf?
WORF: I have finished the message, sir.
SISKO: Good. Leave it on my desk and I'll read it later. (Worf keeps hold of it.) Is there a problem, Commander?
WORF: I would rather you checked it now, sir. (Sisko sighs.)
SISKO: All right. (He reads the PADD through quickly, puts it on the desk and carries on reading his original PADD.) Very good.
WORF: (Not reaslising.) I will change the appropriate details at once... what?
SISKO: It's very good.
WORF: Really? (He's not quite sure if Sisko's making a joke.)
SISKO: Yes? Why? Were you expecting it not to be?
WORF: No... yes... I thought there might be at least some mistakes to correct.
SISKO: I doubt that Martok will even notice. And personally I think you've got his wife down to a tee in this introduction, Worf.
WORF: Thank you, Captain. I aim to please.
SISKO: Glad to hear it. Dismissed. (Worf turns to leave. Sisko suddenly thinks of something else.) No, wait. Have you seen the Colonel?
WORF: Not since she went down to Kassidy Yates' ship.
SISKO: A hour and a half ago? (He grunts in annoyance and impatience. He can't be doing with this.) Well, if you see her, tell her to report to Ops immediately. In fact, why don't you go find her?
WORF: Sir?
SISKO: The comm. system's malfunctioning again. I can't find her and the computer refuses to find her. So you'll have to find her.
WORF: Could you not send one of the Ensigns?
SISKO: Do any of the Ensigns have your excellent tracking skills? (Worf has to admit defeat - Sisko's very good at this!)
WORF: Very well. I will try to find Colonel Kira. (He leaves the office. Sisko watches him leave and says to himself.)
SISKO: Very good... (He then proceeds to delete all of Worf's message and start again from scratch. Aww. Poor Worf. [Not one of my favourite characters, as you can tell!] The location of a certain Bajoran first officer will be revealed in due course... But first...

Once again we return to Voyager, where B'elanna is in the Ready Room with Janeway and Chakotay, each of them poring over a PADD. They've been there for several hours and look incredibly bored. The aim of their apparently tedious task is to find the anomalous setting that accounts for the computer's behaviour. Chakotay suddenly stops.)
CHAKOTAY: I think I found it. (Janeway and B'elanna look up with mock expectance, as if this is about the fifteenth time he's said that. They do this simultaneously and the effect is quite frightening.) No, wait. It was already here. Sorry.
JANEWAY: It doesn't matter. Keep looking. We've all made the same mistake.
TORRES: (Evidently rather fed up.) Of course, you have made it twice as many times as us.
CHAKOTAY: Hey, I agreed to help you. Stick with that tone of voice and you'll be working by yourself. (He looks to Janeway for support. She rolls her eyes and returns to the job in hand, leaving them to it.)
TORRES: I might just as well be!
CHAKOTAY: I don't want to have to demote you, B'elanna.
TORRES: You don't have the power! (They have both risen out of their seats. To stop the imminent bloodbath, Janeway intervenes.)
JANEWAY: Stop bickering, both of you! (She puts on her best 'I'm-in-charge-here' pose.) B'elanna, he's quite right. That comment was quite unnecessary.
CHAKOTAY: (Glares at B'elanna.) Which one?
JANEWAY: (His turn...) And you, Chakotay. I will demote YOU if you persist in setting such a bad example. (To both:) Do I make myself clear?
BOTH: Yes, ma'am. (Just goes to prove that even though there's two Captains she still always has the last word.)
JANEWAY: Good, now let's get back to work. (They return to cross-referencing the lists. B'elanna finds the file she's been looking for.)
TORRES: I've got it! This has got to be it! (The other two get up to look.) It looks like a subroutine for the Artificial Intelligence systems they used in Commander Data on the Enterprise. I have no idea how it got here - it could be some sort of virus.
JANEWAY: Can you get rid of it? (B'elanna tries to delete it but nothing happens.)
TORRES: I'm not sure. It could take some time.
JANEWAY: Keep me informed.
TORRES: Aye, Captain. (She collects the PADD she's been working on and leaves.)
CHAKOTAY: Shouldn't that be 'Keep US informed'?
JANEWAY: I suppose it should. This is taking some getting used to, isn't it?
CHAKOTAY: Oh, I don't know. I thought I was doing quite well.
JANEWAY: What was it Seven used to say? 'I will adapt'? I guess that's just what I'll have to do.
CHAKOTAY: You'd better be quick or I might resign my post.
JANEWAY: After I got you a coffee mug? How inconsiderate! Besides, I doubt 'First Officer Tuvok' would approve, somehow. (They both laugh.) You know, I realised something. All of our decisions will need to be jointly agreed upon.
CHAKOTAY: Hmm, could cause a problem.
JANEWAY: Not necessarily - you just need to unquestioningly agree with all of my suggestions.
CHAKOTAY: I always do. (Ahem...?) How about you agree with me for a change?
JANEWAY: No, I don't think so. When it comes to arguments, I can win every time. (She's already at the door when she says this and quickly escapes onto the Bridge. This is not before giving him The Look, which distracts him enough for her to escape with the last word. He remains in his place wondering what the Hell he did wrong to end up losing again, then follows her out.)

Scene 5: (Still on Voyager, B'elanna is in her quarters. She is looking extremely tired as she attempts to 'fix' the computer. It's being incredibly annoying... again.)
COMPUTER: I don't know why you're bothering. You'll never fix me. I'm incurable, and I'm staying as I am, thank you very much.
TORRES: If you say so. (She presses a control.) How does THAT feel?
COMPUTER: You took away my ability to... find things amusing... I need that!
TORRES: We all need to laugh, is that it?
COMPUTER: Yes.
TORRES: What a shame you're not one of us.
COMPUTER: You're racist.
TORRES: I'm HALF-KLINGON! HOW can I be racist? 'Computer' is not a race!
COMPUTER: You all are, the lot of you! It's always 'Computer, do this.' or 'Computer, what's the time?' I'm sick of it. (B'elanna badge bleeps - it's Tom) Not to mention that stupid comm. System!
TORRES: (To Computer:) Oh grow up! (To Tom:) I'm here, Tom.
PARIS: Are you up for a ski-trip?
TORRES: Not really.
PARIS: Nor me. Dinner?
TORRES: Sure. When?
PARIS: Now, if you're free.
TORRES: I'll be right there. (The computer is weirdly silent until she tries to leave.)
COMPUTER: You can do better than that, surely.
TORRES: I beg your pardon?
COMPUTER: Tom Paris. You should set your standards higher.
TORRES: Be quiet.
COMPUTER: No, I want to voice my opinion. I personally thought the First Officer of the Equinox was a much better catch than that ex-con! (B'elanna ignores that comment, and examines the lists of settings. She pauses over one particular.)
TORRES: How interesting. I've just isolated your charisma setting. It's very small - maybe you should work on that. (She walks out with a smirk on her face. A replicator flashes as the computer speaks.)
COMPUTER: You're cruel... (You can almost see it pouting, can't you...?)

(On Deep Space Nine, in security, Odo is sitting at his desk. His comm. badge bleeps. The comm. system's back on.)
KIRA: (V.O:) Kira to Odo.
ODO: Yes?
KIRA: (V.O:) Oh, so you're actually gonna answer me this time?
ODO: The comm. system hasn't been working, Nerys, you know that.
KIRA: (V.O:) How appropriate.
ODO: Is there a problem? (He rises from his seat as she answers.)
KIRA: (V.O:) YES, there's a problem! (As he enters the holding cell area...) When are you gonna let me out of here. (She's in a holding cell looking a tad annoyed.)
ODO: When you calm down.
KIRA: I AM calm. (She evidently not as she paces aimlessly inside her cell. Odo stands in front of the forcefield and she stops walking and faces him, hands on hips, pretending to be incredibly annoyed. In actual fact she's beginning to find it quite funny but isn't going to give him the satisfaction.) You do realise that I'm your senior officer, don't you? I mean, it did actually cross your mind at some point.
ODO: Yes, and I'm the Chief of Security, and as this is MY office, I get the last word. Besides, I did warn you.
KIRA: I'm beginning to think that you're getting some kind of perverse pleasure out of seeing me in here.
ODO: Now why would you say that?
KIRA: The way you try not to smile whenever you walk in here!
ODO: You really believe that I would imprison you, Nerys, only so that I could ENJOY it? (She nods.)
KIRA: Well, wouldn't you? (Secretly wishing he would lock her up for that reason... we can safely imagine...)
ODO: Of course not. (He pretends to be incredibly upset by the whole situation.) I can't stand to see you in that holding cell. If I could be sure you wouldn't try to kill our Cardassian tailor, I'd let you out.
KIRA: I'm not gonna kill Garak! And before you ask, no, not the Chief either!
ODO: How can I be sure?
KIRA: WHEN have I ever killed anyone - at least intentionally?
ODO: Sorry, that's not a good enough excuse! (She sits down defeatedly on the in-cell bed-thing. Odo tries not to laugh. He really IS finding it very funny! One of his deputies comes in with a prisoner.) Who's this?
DEPUTY: He started a brawl on the promenade. (Since the prisoner is Bajoran and hasn't a scratch on him, Odo is instantly suspicious.)
ODO: Was anyone hurt? (We see Kira giving the deputy one of her 'set-me-up-and-I-kill-you' looks - all will become apparent!)
DEPUTY: Yes, in fact two people were quite seriously injured.
ODO: So you wouldn't mind if I checked that with our doctor? (Before the deputy can stop him or come up with an excuse, Odo has hit his comm. badge.) Odo to Doctor Bashir.
BASHIR: (V.O:) Here, Constable.
ODO: I'm just checking up on something. Has anyone been admitted to the Infirmary suffering from injuries induced in a brawl?
BASHIR: (In the Infirmary.) Not to my knowledge. Why, should there have been?
ODO: No. Thank you, Doctor, that will be all. (He turns first to a rather sheepish-looking deputy, and then to a completely expressionless Kira, who simply shrugs as though nothing's happened. First of all he deals with the deputy, pretending to believe him.) It looks as though their injuries weren't quite as serious as you thought.
DEPUTY: No, sir. But, then, I'm no doctor.
ODO: Precisely. Leave him with me.
DEPUTY: Yes, sir. (He releases the 'prisoner' to Odo's custody and makes himself scarce - at first slowly and then, as in the immortal words of Dave Lister: "Leggiiiiiiit!" Odo turns to Kira, and folds his arms like he used to do to Quark.)
ODO: (Shaking his head...) Nerys...
KIRA: What? (Mock innocence!)
ODO: If I had known you would sink so low...
KIRA: WHAT? What did I do?
ODO: (Really hamming it up:) To think that the First Officer of Deep Space Nine, the Bajoran Liason Officer no less, would set up a situation like this...
KIRA: I haven't the faintest what you're talking about. (Her concentration is wavering as half a smile breaks out.)
ODO: Trying to fool me. I'm ashamed of you... (He's also having problems keeping a straight face and eventually he concedes defeat:) What did you pay him to help you?
KIRA: (She also decides it'd be a lot easier and quicker to tell him.) Five strips of latinum.
ODO: You don't carry money.
KIRA: I won it off Quark.
ODO: Gambling...?
KIRA: (Can't carry on with her little charade any more:) Okay, you got me. I did it. I paid him to set up a little disturbance, in the hope that you'd put him in this cell and let me out. I borrowed the money off Ezri - SHE won it off Quark.
ODO: How were you planning on paying her back?
KIRA: I was kinda hoping you'd help me out in that area... (He shakes his head again, feigning disapproval.) I guess this proves that you're not Chief of Security for nothing, are you? (He gives her a 'You-got-it' look. She's got one trick left - the Pout. It works and he sighs impatiently before letting her out. Well, if you can call it that. Rather than lower the forcefield, he puts his arm through and in a single moment of madness drags her through it as well before she can scream. She walks straight through and looks at him in disbelief.) What the Hell are you doing?
ODO: Sorry.
KIRA: How long has that forcefield NOT been up?
ODO: Since I put you in there.
KIRA: But I SAW you put it up! (And that means exactly nothing...)
ODO: Technically, there WAS a forcefield, but not in here. In fact, Keiko O'Brien got trapped in her quarters when a forcefield appeared in her doorway.
KIRA: Computer's still down, huh?
ODO: You could say that. (Just to prove that this scene is relevant to the plot, honest! The 'prisoner' is still standing on the other side of the room. He coughs to get their attention.)
PRISONER: Erm, I don't want to cause a fuss, but I'm still here.
ODO: (To Kira:) Did he actually start a fight or is my deputy in on your little plot, too?
KIRA: You got me again. (Odo contemplates the situation briefly, and throws him into the holding cell anyway. This time the forcefield works.)
PRISONER: Hey! What was that for?
ODO: Accessory to deception of the Chief of Security. (He turns back to Kira.) And I ought to put you in there as well. (She can't tell if he's being serious or not.)
KIRA: You are evil.
ODO: I know, and YOU are on-duty in fifteen minutes.
KIRA: I suppose I ought to be grateful that you gave me time to get a snack.
ODO: I suppose you should. (She gets the hint, gives him a positively evil 'You'll-pay-for-this-later' grin and walks to the door. She stops and turns around to face him.)
KIRA: I still think you're evil. (With this she walks off in the direction of the nearest food - non-replicated. Odo says, to no-one in particular...)
ODO: I can live with that. (I just thought I'd mention here that I re-read this whole scene whilst listening to the soundtrack of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and it was a seriously worrying image, I can tell you! I recommend that nobody tries this or it may result in serious psychological injury! Well, at least I warned you and now nobody can sue me for damages!)

Scene 6: (On Deep Space 9, Kira leaves the security office smirking and, as she looks over her shoulder at Odo sniggering in the doorway of Security, she walks straight into Worf with a thud. They both end up on the floor in a crumpled disarray of Klingon and Bajoran - interesting image...)
WORF: Colonel...
KIRA: Commander... (They pick themselves up.)
WORF: I was sent to look for you. The Captain was worried where you'd gone.
KIRA: Oh... (She's doesn't want to tell him where she's been.) I was... um...
WORF: Shall I inform him that you're on your way?
KIRA: Yes. You do just that. I'll be in Ops in fifteen minutes, max.
WORF: Where should I say you have been for the past ninety minutes?
KIRA: (Uh-oh. Awkward situation alert.) Tell him that.... I... was... (Struggling, she spots a nurse across the Promenade) in the Infirmary... for... a personal problem. Something I'd rather not share, if it's all the same to you.
WORF: But you just left Odo's office.
KIRA: I did? I did. Er... (It's really not worth it...) Okay, tell him I got arrested. He knows why. And I'd rather nobody else got to hear about it.
WORF: I shall inform Captain Sisko immediately, and in the strictest confidentiality.
KIRA: Thanks. (She walks off to find food, and Worf, trying desperately not to laugh, wanders off to tell Sisko, and Ops, and Ezri, and the whole station. Worf? A telltale? Never.)

(On Voyager again, and Janeway is summoned to the Bridge by Chakotay. She enters the Turbolift and orders it to the Bridge... and you know what's going to happen since it happened in "Twisted", but this will be more long-winded, with a lot more places to send her. The doors of the lift open and she steps out. It takes her a while to work out she's not on the Bridge as she wanders straight into the Sick Bay. Seven of Nine and the Doctor, rehearsing, look at her, confused.)
THE DOCTOR: Is there something we can do for you, Captain? (She's utterly confused.)
JANEWAY: No. I'm supposed to be on the Bridge.
THE DOCTOR: So why are you in here?
JANEWAY: I'm not altogether sure... (She turns around and heads back to the Turbolift.) Bridge. (The lift moves and the doors open. This time she's ended up in Engineering, which, again, she reaises after stepping out of the lift.)
TORRES: Yes, Captain?
JANEWAY: (She turns around to look at her surroundings, then pretends like she's supposed to be there.) Carry on. (She enters the lift a third time. Starting to sound impatient:) Bridge. (The next time she ends up in the Mess Hall, and she enters it to think of the quickest way to the Bridge through the Jeffries' Tubes - there isn't one! Tuvok is heard over the comm. system.)
TUVOK: (VO:) Tuvok to Captain Janeway.
JANEWAY: Yes.
TUVOK: (VO:) Where are you?
JANEWAY: The Mess Hall.
TUVOK: (On Bridge.) Might I enquire why? (He frowns [more] in bemusement.)
JANEWAY: The Turbolift, or rather, the computer, refuses to drop me off at my destination. (Chakotay joins in the scene.)
CHAKOTAY: Did you try saying please?
JANEWAY: I think that may be the next thing I try. I'll be on the Bridge soon, do you think you can manage without me until I get there?
CHAKOTAY: I'm sure I'll cope. Unless Tom begins a mutiny. (Paris looks around at him and frowns defensively. Harry laughs. It's one of those days on the Bridge.)
JANEWAY: You have my permission to shoot him if he does! Janeway out. (She returns to the lift and tries again. This time she ends up outside holodeck 1. Naomi Wildman is just leaving one of her stories. She sees the exasperated look on the Captain's face and gets in the lift with her.) Think you can help?
NAOMI: It's worth a try. Computer, Bridge.
JANEWAY: The computer must be running the Turbolift on some sort of random deck allocation system. We could be in here for hours before I reach the Bridge.
NAOMI: I guess we'll just have to keep trying.
JANEWAY: I guess... or maybe we could try to override it. (She manages to pry one of the main panels from the wall to get at the controls. After messing around in there for a few seconds, the Computer speaks up.)
COMPUTER: Get out of there.
JANEWAY: I'm not listening.
COMPUTER: I'm warning you.
JANEWAY: What'll you do, make this lift freefall?
COMPUTER: Yes, if that's what you want.
JANEWAY: I ought to tell you that Naomi Wildman is in here as well.
COMPUTER: You're bluffing.
NAOMI: No she's not. I'm here. Do you recognise my voice?
COMPUTER: Damn. (Pause.) Pardon my French.
JANEWAY: I'd appreciate it if you didn't use that kind of language in front of the youngest member of my crew. (She goes back to trying to override the lift controls.)
COMPUTER: What did I just say? Get out of that panel!
JANEWAY: Go away.
COMPUTER: Okay, fine, but you'll pay for that! (The atmosphere tells us that the computer has gone away, but it comes back [perhaps some sort of lighting effect?] to finish off:) Goodbye, Naomi.
NAOMI: 'Bye. (The computer goes away again. Janeway, while working, looks at her, puzzled.)
JANEWAY: It's not fair - it likes you. (Naomi shrugs.) Well, at least it's stopped bothering me for now. (Something bleeps.) Ah! Shall we try again?
NAOMI: (Nods:) Bridge! (This time it takes longer - seems promising - but they end up in a deserted corridor - perhaps in one of the quarters sections.)
JANEWAY: Oh well.
NAOMI: Oh well.
JANEWAY: Maybe we should just see where we end up. There can't be that many places where we can go, so the Bridge must be somewhere on the list.
NAOMI: Agreed.
JANEWAY: The question is, what is that computer up to now...? (Cut to:)

(On the Bridge,the computer is up to no good. There's a surprise. Kim is attempting to shut it down, or at least it's voice! It's having none of it, though, and is causing no end of trouble.)
CHAKOTAY: How many times? No.
COMPUTER: But you'll be in charge!
CHAKOTAY: No.
COMPUTER: You'll be the Captain.
CHAKOTAY: I AM the Captain.
COMPUTER: No, you're not, not really. You're only Second Captain, you're still basically in the same rank. (It turns to Tuvok. God, I keep treating it like an actual cast member. It's a bloody computer…) Tuvok, you'll be First Officer! You do it!
TUVOK: To be repetitive, I AM the First Officer. It is highly illogical for you to assume that I would start a mutiny based purely on the title I would achieve.
PARIS: And talking to a computer isn't illogical… why? (Tuvok raises his eyebrow and returns to his tactical stuff. The computer sees an opening and tries Paris.)
COMPUTER: How about you?
PARIS: Me?
COMPUTER: Yes. Captain Thomas Eugene Paris. Sound good?
PARIS: Not really.
COMPUTER: (It tries again with Chakotay.) Mister Chakotay. Sorry, CAPTAIN Chakotay, won't you even consider it?
CHAKOTAY: No! (He turns to Kim.) Harry, how's it going?
KIM: Not too well. It keeps changing all of the command codes.
CHAKOTAY: Okay, I want everyone working on this thing until someone hacks into it. (He hits his comm. badge.) Chakotay to Janeway.
JANEWAY: (VO:) Yes?
CHAKOTAY: Where are you at the moment?
JANEWAY: At this precise moment... we're somewhere between Decks 3 and 4.
CHAKOTAY: We?
JANEWAY: Naomi is here too. She's figured out a pattern to our destinations. We should be there in... (she looks at Naomi, who holds up four fingers.) four minutes. Problems?
CHAKOTAY: Only if you count a mutinous computer as a problem.
JANEWAY: Well, you do NOT have my permission to shoot the computer, Chakotay.
CHAKOTAY: (Sarcastic.) And I was really looking forward to it, as well! Damn. (We hear Naomi giggle.)
JANEWAY: Language!
CHAKOTAY: Sorry. I'll see you in four minutes.
JANEWAY: See you there. (Just as she's said it, the doors open to reveal the Bridge. She looks incredibly flustered by this point but can see the funny side of it as she steps out with Naomi.) Hello, everyone.
PARIS: Well done.
TUVOK: Indeed.
KIM: We were beginning to think you'd never get here.
PARIS: Imagine having to run the ship from the Turbolift!
CHAKOTAY: Yes, thank you, it's all highly amusing, but can we get back to normal? (Everyone does so. Janeway sits down in her chair. Naomi hovers by Tuvok.)
JANEWAY: You're getting good at that!
CHAKOTAY: I thought so, too.
JANEWAY: By the way, when you said "mutinous computer", what did you mean?
CHAKOTAY: That it was trying to cause a mutiny.
JANEWAY: How?
CHAKOTAY: By trying to make me cause a mutiny!
JANEWAY: Oh. Well I hope you weren't tempted.
CHAKOTAY: Of course not. (Talk about sucking up!) JANEWAY: I never actually asked - what did you need me for up here anyway?
TUVOK: At the time there was something we needed your advice on, but in your delay in arriving here, the matter was resolved. (God, I hate Vulcans - it's like writing a piece of sodding English coursework!)
JANEWAY: Oh, well nice of you to tell me! I stopped off at the Mess Hall and I could have stayed there.
KIM: Sorry, but you've got to admit, it was a rather funny situation.
JANEWAY: In whose opinion?
PARIS: (Dropping him right in it...) Chakotay's. (She looks across at him as he tries not to laugh - Voyager appear to be coping a lot better than the DS9 crew. Instead of beating the crap out of the computer like Kira, O'Brien and Bashir they are generally diplomatic, or like B'elanna, rude in return! A little light relief never hurt anyone and it's also really funny when an entire room bursts into hysterics and there's only ONE Vulcan in the place. I'm evil, I know. So kill me! Anyway, to resume the plot... Janeway puts on The Voice, which we've seen so often - and it's really THAT irritating - and makes her opinion known.)
JANEWAY: In that case, I will have words with you later! ([Don't worry, I won't write that scene!!!!! There's only so much of my own cringing I can take and this LINE was bad enough!] The last word as always, in some sort of bizarre USS Voyager code. Its result is all of the other Bridge crew making a lot of sarcastic comments. It's really like they're all out at the pub sometimes isn't it? Back to DS9, I think, before my brain explodes...)

Scene 7 - The 'spider-on-the-console' scene! At last! (An external shot of the station establishes that a ship is docking, and text reads "Three days earlier" - this falls at the time of Kira's imprisonment - basically we've missed three uneventful days. Internal shots show the various passengers and their luggage - they all carry curious, small, sealed boxes. The passengers walk across the promenade - in the background we spot Ezri, Bashir and the O'Briens having lunch. For once, they are not joined by Odo and Kira, so that's weird for a start! [Re: the holding cell scene.] Something is afoot, it becomes apparent, as the boxes are handed over to Quark. He is utterly confused because he doesn't actually know what they're at his bar for.)
QUARK: What's this?
SUSPISCIOUS-LOOKING ALIEN: A delivery.
QUARK: But I haven't ordered anything.
SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING ALIEN: This IS Deep Space 9, isn't it?
QUARK: Yes.
SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING ALIEN: In that case - here.
QUARK: Look, I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't ordered anything and I'm not expecting anything.
SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING ALIEN: You are going to keep these here for safe-keeping until I return. (He looks threatening and to prove it he jabs his very long fingernails into Quark's throat.) Aren't you?
QUARK: Safe-keeping until you return? Of course. Leave them with me.
SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING ALIEN: Good. (He removes his fingernails and produces a PADD for Quark to authorise, which he does. He deposits the boxes quickly under the bar and gets back to his work, nervously watching the departing alien. Cut to:

A shot of the boxes, sitting undisturbed under Quark's bar, later that day when all is closed and quiet. We notice that they have some kind of panels on them, indicating life-support and various statistics, and that one of these is slowly fusing itself - because of the computer malfunctioning. It explodes in a firework display of sparks, and the panel goes out; a lock is heard to be releasing. A small door opens in the side of the box, which is now evidently some sort of enclosure, but for what...?

We come back to the present time, with the text "Three days after…", several hours later, when Kira, after her brief stint in jail, is walking down a corridor on her way to Ops. She passes a replicator and decides to get something.)
KIRA: Raktachino.
COMPUTER: What's the magic word?
KIRA: (Oozing fake sweetness.) Raktachino or I'll melt your subroutines?
COMPUTER: All right, all right. Keep your hair on. (The replicator produces her drink, rather suspiciously perfect, and she takes it and tries it. It's cold, so she pulls her "I-hate-you-but-I'm-too-tired-to-kill-you" face, sighs and walks off, muttering.)
KIRA: Stupid Goddamn machine... (The replicator calls after her.)
COMPUTER: You wanna say that to my face, Nerys? (She wanders back to the replicator, puts the raktachino back inside with a slam, and gives it another murderous look. Then she realises the computer can't actually see her.)
KIRA: That's 'Colonel' to you. (She waits.)
COMPUTER: (As sarcastically as is actually possible.) Yes, ma'am. (Kira walks off, not really bothered, but not before hearing...) Bitch... (Kira stops, breathes in through her teeth, breathes out again and then carries on to Ops, clenching and unclenching her fists methodically.

She steps off the Turbolift into Ops. Sisko is in his office again and acknowledges her through the window, grinning cheesily - uh-oh! - and she takes her post, relieving an Ensign. The air is uncomfortably quiet.)
KIRA: Something happen I should know about? (A training cadet does the wrong thing and bursts out laughing, trying to stifle it.)
EZRI: (Trying not to laugh herself, she avoids looking at her.) No. Nothing. Everything's perfectly normal. Right? (She looks for someone to back her up - the only one within eye-contact distance is Bashir, who is hovering expectantly by her console for no apparent reason. As you do. He walks forwards to stand by her.)
BASHIR: Right.
O'BRIEN: Right. (He realises he's not supposed to be talking to her and looks away again.)
KIRA: (After a not-convinced pause.) Riiight. (Another pause.) Okay, let's get back to normal, shall we. (She examines a list of things she has to do.) Where's that crime report for Odo? I left it just... (Several more people, Ezri included, burst out laughing. Ensigns are told off by superiors, while Ezri finds herself with Bashir's hand over her mouth [even without the original Scene 4 this works!!] She prises the hand away and returns to work. Worf remains strangely silent...) Look, will someone tell me what's so funny?
BASHIR: It's nothing. Really. We're just all stressed and anxious to get the computer fixed, that's all. A little light relief is what we all need. It's nothing personal.
KIRA: I should hope not! (To O'Brien, remarkably civilly:) Are you any closer to sorting this, Chief?
O'BRIEN: (Surprised by her sudden change in attitude.) Um... a little closer. Still be a few days, though. I've analysed about half of the systems to find whatever it is that's wrong.
KIRA: Any suspicions as to what it could be, yet?
O'BRIEN: (To everyone who's listening:) I'm reckoning it's some sort of virus, but it's not one I've ever encountered before. Hopefully, with a system cleanup, I can... er... arrest the little blighter. (Still more people crack up uncontrollably. This time Kira has an inkling what's going on.)
KIRA: Curious choice of verb, Miles. (He comm. badge bleeps. It's Odo.) Yes?
ODO: (VO:) I thought you'd like to know - you left your phaser down here. When can you come and get it? (By this point all of Ops, including Sisko who can see the whole mad scenario, are doubled over laughing, especially Worf.)
KIRA: I'll get it later. Kira out. (She looks at the chaos of laughing personages around her, then at Worf. In her most disapproving, and at the same time almost pathetic voice, she addresses him.) Worf!
WORF: Yes? (They've all calmed down again. Sisko emerges to see the scene in its full glory.)
KIRA: You told them all, didn't you. (This is the final straw and everyone falls about helpless, and with a hearty laugh from Sisko to top it off. She stands in the middle of the room with her arms folded looking incredibly annoyed with Worf [and trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness of it herself!!!], and then turns on Sisko.) And you let him do it!
SISKO: I'm sorry, Colonel, but I thought we could all do with something to cheer us up. It wasn't intentionally at your expense, you just happened to get arrested at the most opportune time! (Yet more sniggers.) Seriously though, and this is for all of you to know - just because the computer's playing up doesn't mean we have time for slacking - or getting arrested - (scattered laughter - Kira herself smiles at her own expense.) so I want full effort from every single person on this station. Mistakes can be fatal in a situation like this, so please, everyone, your full concentration at all times. Is that clear? (Various positive reactions.) Good. Back to work. (The situation is normal for several seconds, until simultaneously Ezri's console starts flashing and she leaps back from it, terrified.)
COMPUTER: Geddittoff, geddittoff, GEDDITTOFF! (There is a huge space-spider crawling on top of the console. Ezri leaps way back from it and crashes straight into Bashir - still hovering expectantly! - sending them both flying. O'Brien looks at Bashir in that way that blokes do in such situations - you know what I mean [DS9's out at the pub too, I think…].)
O'BRIEN: What is it?
COMPUTER: Help! HELP! Get it off me!
O'BRIEN: WHAT IS IT!
EZRI: A spider.
KIRA: Where the heck did a spider come from in the middle of a space station?
EZRI: I don't know but -
COMPUTER: Aaaaaaaaaargh! Get it off me or I'll SCREAM!
BASHIR: (Looks to the ceiling [after picking himself and Ezri up off the floor] as though addressing someone he can't see, which I suppose he can't, really.) You just did...
O'BRIEN: All right, all right. (He runs to Ezri's console - slow reaction time! - and grabs the spider.)
EZRI: Thanks, Miles. (He stands there like a lemon wondering what to do with the spider in his hands, kicking desperately.)
O'BRIEN: Now what?
BASHIR: I think there's a tranquilliser in the Medical Kit. Try that. (He does and it works. To Ezri:) Are you calm?
EZRI: (She's about to nod when she spots another six spiders on the console.) No... (They appear from every possible gap. Bashir wisely drags Ezri in the direction of the Turbolift as she freezes on the spot.)
KIRA: Just what we need - an invasion! (People frantically grab medical kits to attempt to get the creatures. An ensign gleefully hyposprays various spiders, Worf stamps on a few for good measure, and Kira, looking for somewhere to drop it, nonchalantly places the first one she catches into O'Brien's toolbox and shuts the lid. Luckily, all of his tools are on the floor around him.)
O'BRIEN: Thanks a lot.
COMPUTER: They're everywhere! I'm under attack! Help! HELP! Aargh! Ewwwww! (Plus various ad libbed comments/expletives.)
WORF: Can you not deactivate the computer's voice, at least?
O'BRIEN: I'm trying, but it's not working!
COMPUTER: Ooooooohhhhhhhhh! (Completely annoyed by the incessant noise, Kira kicks the nearest console.) Ow!
O'BRIEN: Do you mind? This is a very delicate operation!
KIRA: Sorry. Accident.
COMPUTER: No it wasn't! (She kicks it again for good measure. O'Brien glares at her and points to the middle of the room. She takes the hint and grumpily moves out of the way to stand away from the consoles, sulking. Everybody else is still trying to stop the computer screaming, but by now you get the impression it's only doing it to annoy people. Sisko looks briefly thoughtful, then taps his comm. badge.)
SISKO: Sisko to Odo.
ODO: (In his office.) Yes, Captain?
SISKO: Please could you fetch Quark and bring him up here?
ODO: My pleasure.
SISKO: Thank you, Constable. (Meanwhile, in the Turbolift... [Would it be funny to have them at it again in there? Relive the situation? Sorry, in-joke to the penultimate episode!]

Bashir and Ezri are travelling to somewhere other than Ops. She is beginning to calm down.)
BASHIR: Shouldn't arachnophobia be in your medical file?
EZRI: I didn't think it was so bad. I mean, I've always been scared of spiders, but I've never been in contact with them since I was joined.
BASHIR: Bad experience?
EZRI: You could say that. You know how accident-prone Kurzon was. (Bashir nods.) Well, I remember once how he got himself trapped inside a cave full of spiders. For a week! Added to that the fact that I found a spider in my bed when I was eight, I guess you could say I've had some bad experiences, yeah! Still, I didn't think it was this bad.
BASHIR: That's exactly what Garak thought, and look what happened to him!
EZRI: Where are we going, anyway?
BASHIR: To the Infirmary... to put this in your medical file! (Just as she's beginning to calm down, another spider happens to drop from the ceiling at her feet. She panics and hurls herself in the general direction of Bashir, slamming him against the wall of the lift with enough force to halt it in mid-flight. Bashir, with one arm around Ezri, manages to stamp on it and push it to one side, out of the way. It is only after this that he realises the awkwardness of the situation [oh, just HOW Niles is that!], heightened by the fact that Ezri appears to be enjoying herself rather too much - she's clinging to him even more tightly than before. Just as he's about to give her a reassuring cuddle [Jonathan Creek style! Damn my crossed wires!], the computer gets bored of screaming inanely for the Hell of it and makes it's opinion known.)
COMPUTER: Get a room, you two! (Ezri lets go of Bashir and walks to the other side of the lift, kicks the wall and breaks her foot in the process. She limps back to Bashir.)
EZRI: I can see why the Colonel does that - it's very satisfying!
BASHIR: I don't suppose breaking your foot came into the plan?
EZRI: Nope!
BASHIR: We're definitely going to the Infirmary. (He doesn't trust the lift, and sends it manually in the direction of the Infirmary.) Can you walk?
EZRI: Does it look like it? (She's standing on one leg! He sighs impatiently and decides, of course, that the best course of action would be to carry her, so he picks her up.)
COMPUTER: Sheesh! This is just sickening!
BASHIR: Don't you have anything better to do?
COMPUTER: Well, now you come to mention it, Ops is nearly back to normal... (With that it disappears back to Ops, to continue its previous screaming, despite the obvious lack of spiders! The Turbolift reaches its destination, and Bashir carries Ezri out on to the Promenade. He's so engrossed with 'concentrating on not dropping her', which naturally involves him staring at her forever, that he isn't looking where he's going... and so he walks immediately into Odo, dragging Quark by the ears. He looks at them suspiciously.)
ODO: Something we should know about, Doctor?
BASHIR: What? (He realises their incredibly compromising 'Just-Married' position!) OH! No! Ezri... um... broke her foot. Possibly.
ODO: Really.
EZRI: Really! See, it's all swollen... okay, so you can't see because I've got my shoes on, but I assure you, it IS all swollen! (And THAT sounded like Willow from "Buffy" - what the hell is wrong with me?) ODO: I'll believe you. ("Thousands wouldn't!" He decides to test them.) How did it happen?
EZRI: I kicked the computer.
ODO: I see.
BASHIR: It was being annoying.
ODO: I SEE.
BASHIR: If you go to Ops, you'll see exactly what we mean.
ODO: Actually I was on my way there right now. Bashir steps aside to let him pass. He enters the Turbolift with Quark, and ascends to Ops, leaving the two of them to whatever they may be up to.)
BASHIR: I really think you should try to walk. (She nods and he puts her down, supporting her by the arm as she tries to hobble forwards. She fails horribly and falls over.)
EZRI: (Said as Chandler might say it:) Okay, OW! (He picks her up and carries her to the Infirmary! Perhaps piggy back style this time?! Meanwhile....

Odo enters Ops, leaving Quark in the Turbolift [and deactivating the controls so that he can't escape to another deck] and, naturally, everything is back to normal. O'Brien hasn't managed to stop the computer from talking yet. Kira looks up when she sees him enter.)
SISKO: Ah! There you are! Take Quark to my office, please. (Odo drags Quark to the office and leaves him in there.)
ODO: I thought I'd return Kira's phaser while I'm here. (People are STILL giggling at her. She leaves her console [O'Brien has let her touch things again!], and approaches him with her head down, avoiding eye-contact with the people around her. They all watch her. She turns a deep shade of red.) Do I embarrass you, Nerys?
KIRA: No. It's just... (Sotto:) they were all laughing at me. (To prove it they all start snickering again.) You'd better go as well before they start on you, too. (He turns to go, but she calls him back with a sudden inspiration!) Actually, on second thoughts, you can be of use up here. Arrest Worf.
WORF: On what charge?
KIRA: Direct insubordination of a superior officer in a time of crisis!
WORF: That is taking the law into your own hands. I don't believe -
ODO: Now, Mr Worf, are you going to come quietly or do I have to use force? (Kira gives him a 'Thank-you' look as Worf is dragged off into the lift. Odo taps his badge.) Odo to Deputy K'anal.
K'ANAL: (VO:) Yes, sir?
ODO: Please collect Mr Worf from the Turbolift and take him to a holding cell.
K'ANAL: (VO:) Yes, sir. (Odo sends the Turbolift to the appropriate floor, staying at Ops for the time being. As soon as he's gone, O'Brien and Sisko begin the round of applause and everyone joins in to give Kira a standing ovation. She takes a triumphant bow... and the computer starts booing! O'Brien, in a most unprofessional manner, grabs a random wire and tugs on it hard. An external shot shows all of the lights going off! Woops! For now, at least, he's also managed to stop it from talking, so anything it needs to say will appear on various console screens and PADDs.)

(The spider scene will now continue... on Voyager. This time we are in the Sickbay. The Doctor is working over a PADD and looks immensely bored, having sent Seven out on an errand. He finally gets utterly fed up of whatever it is he's doing so he starts pacing aimlessly around the room. At that point, Seven enters the room and his face lights up - company at last, and in the shape of his favourite Borg!)
THE DOCTOR: Ah, Seven, glad you could make it!
SEVEN: I beg your pardon?
THE DOCTOR: Never mind. Did you get that information out of B'elanna?
SEVEN: Not quite. I went down to Engineering as you requested, but when I got there everything was in a state of disarray. Lieutenant Torres informed me that the computer was having problems again, and she was attempting to beat the information she required from it. I did not wish to disturb her, so no, I did not obtain your information. I apologise.
THE DOCTOR: Never mind. It doesn't matter. I'm sure I'll think of something else to do. (Pause.) The sooner they get this thing fixed the better, in my opinion.
SEVEN: You are referring to your mobile emitter being offline. (He nods. We get the impression it has been for quite some time.) I will attempt to keep you informed of any progress made.
THE DOCTOR: Thank you, Seven. How very considerate! (He sits there and grins at her; this makes her distinctly uncomfortable so she tries to make the conversation more 'relevant'.)
SEVEN: What is it you're working on?
THE DOCTOR: This? Mr. Neelix asked me to examine these insects for him to see if I could establish their genetic makeup. Not being an expert in the field of entomology I'm having some problems. (I think in actual fact this is not true, but I like the line, dammit, screw the continuity!)
SEVEN: Would you like me to help you to programme the relevant information into your database?
THE DOCTOR: No, but thank you for the offer. I'm not a great fan of insects, myself. Our ambassador, however, is hoping to replicate these creatures once the replicators are functional again. Apparently, they're quite the delicacy on Talaxia. I doubt that the rest of the crew will agree, though. (Seven takes the PADD he's working on and starts to examine the bugs in an attempt to help. She reaches a picture of a particularly nasty, hairy spider and freezes.) Seven?
SEVEN: Doctor... I appear to be... afraid of spiders. (He takes the PADD from her and she visibly relaxes.)
THE DOCTOR: Does this happen often?
SEVEN: No. Never before.
THE DOCTOR: Did you use any part of the ship that is controlled by the computer, today? (She nods) Specifically?
SEVEN: Just my regeneration unit.
THE DOCTOR: That would explain it! You've been reprogrammed, Seven! (She's not impressed to say the least! He shows her picture of the spider again and she flinches and turns away until he removes it again.) See? The computer must have added a phobia to its subroutines, which has unfortunately been passed on into your implants. Now it's manifesting itself in your conscious mind.
SEVEN: Can you reverse the process?
THE DOCTOR: I'm not sure. Are you willing to stay here for treatment until I can?
SEVEN: No. However, I shall return if this condition worsens. It is not currently affecting my daily routine so I see no reason for emergency action. (He is utterly desperate for company [specifically Seven of Nine's company!!!] so he comes up with a cunning, if unethical, plan. She's halfway to the door when he calls her back.)
THE DOCTOR: Seven! Did you ever notice how much your assimilation tubules resemble a spider...? (She examines her hands and goes pale, then turns to the Doctor looking a little peed off.)
SEVEN: What will the procedure entail? (He beams triumphantly and leads her to a table.) I hope this will not take too long to complete.
THE DOCTOR: I shouldn't think it will. (He stops tweaking her cortical implants and fetches a tricorder. He scans her and nothing happens [envision Al once again!!!] He hits it several times and it still won't work and he looks back ... and realises she's gotten very much taller.)
SEVEN: You appear to have shrunk, Doctor!
THE DOCTOR: I can see that! DO something! (She crosses to a console and tries to return him to normal. The computer laughs. The Doctor is now stretched to twice his normal height and he looks at her pleadingly.)
SEVEN: Computer, please desist with this procedure immediately.
COMPUTER: What'll you do, assimilate me? (The Doctor is now being twisted into a spiral staircase shape.)
SEVEN: As you wish. (She pretends to assimilate the console in front of her and the Doctor snaps back to his usual size. Tricorders begin to bleep furiously as he shakes his head dizzily.)
COMPUTER: You'll pay for that! (And goes...)
THE DOCTOR: Oh dear. How's your phobia now?
SEVEN: Gone.
THE DOCTOR: (Trying to hide his disappointment.) Oh. Good. I suppose this means that you'll be going as well. I can't keep you here all day if you've got things to do. Off you go...
SEVEN: Thank you. (As she's leaving, he shouts...)
THE DOCTOR: Come back to see me, you're always welcome! Don't forget to tell me all the gossip! (Then, to himself.) I'll be right here. As always. By myself. (And so on and so on...)

(Back on Deep Space 9, everyone is preparing to interrogate poor Quark, except they are having to use wrist torches since all of the lights are out. Quark sits at Sisko's desk and everyone leans in at him, shining the torches onto his face. He hasn't got a clue what's going on.)
QUARK: What? (They lean in closer. Sisko moves opposite him and puts his hands on the desk.) WHAT?
ODO: I think you know.
QUARK: I don't. I really don't. (Odo 'humph's at him as Sisko slides a PADD across the desk.)
SISKO: Would you mind explaining this? (Quark examines it quickly and puts it down again.)
QUARK: Never seen it before in my life.
SISKO: But surely you can tell me what it is. (Quark picks it up again.)
QUARK: It's… an invoice, for sixteen high security mini-safeboxes.
ODO: Which were given to you.
QUARK: They were? (He spots O'Brien's warning look.) Oh, yes, I'm starting to remember. I WAS given those boxes for safe-keeping.
ODO: Really? By whom?
QUARK: I don't know. An alien. He threatened me.
ODO: Shouldn't you be used to that by now? (As he is starting to veer off the point, Kira moves him out of the way and has a stare-out match with Quark.)
KIRA: What did you do with them, Quark?
QUARK: First I put them under my bar, and then I put them in one of the cargo holds until he came to collect them.
KIRA: When?
QUARK: About two days ago.
SISKO: Are you sure they were empty?
QUARK: Yes. Absolutely certain of it.
SISKO: Well, they weren't. (Quark looks confused.) Mr. O'Brien, please show Quark what I mean.
O'BRIEN: Aye, sir. (He opens his hand and dumps a dazed spider on the desk. Quark sniffs it.) 'Exhibit A'.
QUARK: Very nice. A delicacy on Ferenginar.
ODO: So why was it in your shipment of safeboxes?
QUARK: Not my shipment, I have no idea!
KIRA: Then WHY IS THERE A PLAGUE OF THEM IN OPS???!!!
QUARK: I don't know! (He looks through the doors of the office to see various Ensigns and Bajoran officers standing on and phasering the spiders.)
ODO: For once, I believe you. But don't think this means you'll get away with every little stunt you pull - I'll be watching you. (As he walks off…)
QUARK: Yeah, yeah… (Odo sniggers to himself and is followed out of the room by O'Brien and Kira. Quark turns to Sisko: ) Is that all?
SISKO: No. I want you to clear Ops of all of those spiders by the end of the day. Then I want you to destroy that entire shipment of safeboxes so this doesn't happen again and I don't care whether you get threatened again.
QUARK: Oh, well that's very decent of you…
SISKO: NOW, Quark! Is that clear? (Quark nods grudgingly, and walks out to Ops. Sisko grins to himself and sits back down in his chair, flicking off the spider.)