A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?
The new American Ambassador was being entertained by an African Diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said. "But it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
Deep Thoughts
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Life is an eternal struggle between good, evil, and Kermit the Frog.
I wish everyone would hold their breath until they turn blue. Then everyone would be the same color, and there would be no racism, and we'd live in harmony. Not for long, of course, because we'd all be dead.
Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do In Church...
Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano.
Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher:"Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
Dress all in black, or in camo.
Change sets for the evening service.
If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me" and lick them.
Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
Blow bubbles.
Fake a possession.
Distribute condoms.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Drool in the collection plate.
Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
I only had one officer Mr. Keg...
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey Wasn't you daughter a pork queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
I'm surprised you stoppedd me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special.
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep up with me!
Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Excuse me, is "Stick Up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish school instead.
"Bad Cop, No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
"Lets do it different this time...I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow!"
Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
I bet I could grab that gun before you can finish writing that ticket.
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Aren't you one of the Village People?
Want To Know If You Or Someone You Know Is a Gentleman?
1.In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
3. You time your orgasm so that:
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is.
6. Your girlfriend/wife says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
Signs That You Are Too Drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.
30 Fun Things To Do When Driving
1.Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2.Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4.Two words: Chicken suit.
5.Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7.Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8.Stop at the green lights.
9.Go at the red ones.
10.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11.Eat food that requires silverware.
12.Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13.Sing without having the radio on.
14.Honk frequently without motivation.
15.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16.Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17.Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19.Restart your car at every stop light.
20.Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21.Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
23.Paint your car with occult symbols.
24.Keep at least five cats in the car.
25.Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26.Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
27.Stop and collect road kill.
28.Stop and pray to road kill.
29.Throw Spam.
30.Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
64 WAYS TO PISS OFF COPS
1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood..
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15) When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
21) Trip and fall into him.
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
24) Chew on the pen, nervously.
25) Clean your ear with the pen.
26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
29) Act like you are retarded.
30) When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
31) Or mumble to yourself.
32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
36) Ask if he watches Cops.
37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38) Giggle if he did.
39) Talk to your hand.
40) Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
41) Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
44) Try to sell him your car.
45) Ask if you can buy his car.
46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
47) Play with the siren.
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
51) Ask if he ever had pun-tang.
52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
56) Turn your head and whistle.
57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60) Ask if you can see his gun.
61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
62) Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
63) Tell him you like men in uniform.
64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Actual Newspaper Headlines
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
* Farmer Bill Dies in House
* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
* Stud Tires Out
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second
Time in 10 Years
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* `84 War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
I is a college student.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Geez if you belive in honkus.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Who cares who's on board?
No radio. Already stolen.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22\% more cavities.
Exxon Suxx.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
· He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
· Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
· Gravity brings me down.
· Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
· Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
· While money can't buy happiness it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
· Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
· Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
· You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
· Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
· Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
· Individualists unite!
· Money is the root of all wealth.
· Teamwork is vital!! (It gives you someone to blame.)
· If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
· Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
· The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of it's capacity; the rest is overhead for the operating system.
· Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
· An expert is someone from out of town.
· F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
· Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined.
· In computer programming, the one language all programmers know best is profanity.
· No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve a negative example.
· A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
· Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
· Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long.
· It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
· Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
· He who laughs last thinks slowest!
· Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
· Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
· Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
· There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
· I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
· Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
· Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
· I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over it.
· What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
· Assassins do it from behind.
· If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
· Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
· I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
· Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
· I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
· Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
· Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
· We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association
Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides
Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Babar Becomes a Piano
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
David Duke's World of Imagination
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Legends of Scab Football
Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina
Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them
Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes
The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates
Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks
CONFUCIUS SAY:
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot
It is good for a girl to meet boy in park, But for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man Trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Learn to masterbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
Man who fuck turkey eat stuffing.
Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
Hockey player on ice have big stick.
Man who go to McDonald's eat out stinky meat.
Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.
Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
Man who get paid pick up chick.
Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off.
Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end.
Man who eat pussy do lip service.
Man who fuck pig eat ham.
Pentocostal who pass out get laid in church.
Woman who turn back on lover get fucked over.
Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth.
Priest with dick in snow like cold one before mass.
Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.
Man with dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
Man who paints on toilet door is a shithouse painter.
Is good for girl to meet boy in park but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who finger girl having period may get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy.
Man who meows ate pussy!
Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.
Those who quote me are fools.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Work to become, not to acquire.
Show off always shown up in showdown.
Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock.
Man with no legs bums around.
Man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Find old man in dark, not hard!
Confucius say too fucking much!
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
It is Ok for shit to happen. Shit will decompose.
When in doubt, whip it out.
A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Girl who marry dete
01. Woman who go to man's apartment for snack, gets tit-bit.
02. Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
03. Man who gets kicked in balls, left holding the bag.
04. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
05. Passionate kiss like spider web ... lead to undoing of fly.
06. Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.
07. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
08. Virginity like balloon ... one prick, all gone.
09. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. Man who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong ... man with four balls no can walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is g
Things Not To Say When Pulled Over By A Cop
The Gentleman Test
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
a) Your views about what you expect form a sexual relationship
b) Your blood test results
c) Five tequila slammers
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem-she can join a gym
c) A conservative estimate
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the place
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therepy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.Signs That You Are Too Drunk
30 Fun Things To Do While Driving
64 More Ways To Piss Off Cops
Pet Monkey
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Bumperstickers
More Bumberstickers
Even More Bumberstickers
Children's Books Not To Be Recommended
Confucius Say
More Confucius Say
