| Tasteless Jokes on this Page | |||||
| Signs You Are Too Drunk | 30 Fun Things To Do While Driving | Pet Monkey | Actual Newspaper Headlines | Bumperstickers | More Bumperstickers |
| Even More Bumperstickers | Children's Books Not To Be Recomended | Confucius Says | The German Test | ||
| Other Tasteless Joke Pages | |||||
| Joke Page 1 | Joke Page 2 | Joke Page 3 | Joke Page 4 | Joke Page 5 | Main Page |
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
1.Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
· He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
· Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
01. Woman who go to man's apartment for snack, gets tit-bit.
Signs You Are Too Drunk
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and you fell asleep clothed.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.
30 Fun Things To Do While Driving
2.Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4.Two words: Chicken suit.
5.Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7.Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8.Stop at the green lights.
9.Go at the red ones.
10.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11.Eat food that requires silverware.
12.Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13.Sing without having the radio on.
14.Honk frequently without motivation.
15.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16.Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17.Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19.Restart your car at every stop light.
20.Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21.Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22.While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23.Paint your car with occult symbols.
24.Keep at least five cats in the car.
25.Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26.Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
27.Stop and collect road kill.
28.Stop and pray to road kill.
29.Throw Spam.
30.Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
Pet Monkey
Actual Newspaper Headlines
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
* Farmer Bill Dies in House
* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
* Stud Tires Out
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* `84 War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Bumperstickers
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
I is a college student.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
The weather is nice here. Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Geez if you belive in honkus.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Who cares who's on board?
No radio. Already stolen.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22\% more cavities.
Exxon Suxx.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
More Bumperstickers
· Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
· Gravity brings me down.
· Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
· Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
· While money can't buy happiness it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
· Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
· Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
· You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
· Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
· Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
· Individualists unite!
· Money is the root of all wealth.
· Teamwork is vital!! (It gives you someone to blame.)
· If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
· Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
· The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of it's capacity; the rest is overhead for the operating system.
· Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
· An expert is someone from out of town.
· F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
· Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined.
· In computer programming, the one language all programmers know best is profanity.
· No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve a negative example.
· A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
· Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
· Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long.
· It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Even More Bumperstickers
· He who laughs last thinks slowest!
· Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
· Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
· Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
· There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
· I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
· Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
· Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
· I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over it.
· What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
· Assassins do it from behind.
· If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
· Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
· I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
· Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
· I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
· Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
· Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
· We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
· Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
· "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Children's Books Not To Be Recomended
Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides
Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Babar Becomes a Piano
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
David Duke's World of Imagination
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Legends of Scab Football
Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina
Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them
Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes
The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates
Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks
Confucius Says
Man who stand on toilet high on pot
It is good for a girl to meet boy in park, But bad for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man Trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Learn to masterbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Virgin with thimble on finger never feel prick.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
Man who fuck turkey eat stuffing.
Man who fuck ugly dog get howled at.
Man trapped in sewer eat shit and die.
Hockey player on ice have big stick.
Man who go to McDonald's eat out stinky meat.
Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat.
Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
Man who get paid pick up chick.
Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off.
Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end.
Man who eat pussy do lip service.
Man who fuck pig eat ham.
Pentocostal who pass out get laid in church.
Woman who turn back on lover get fucked over.
Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth.
Priest with dick in snow like cold one before mass.
Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.
Man with dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.
Man who paints on toilet door is a shithouse painter.
Is good for girl to meet boy in park but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who finger girl having period may get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy.
Man who meows ate pussy!
Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.
Those who quote me are fools.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Work to become, not to acquire.
Show off always shown up in showdown.
Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock.
Man with no legs bums around.
Man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Find old man in dark, not hard!
Confucius say too fucking much!
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
It is Ok for shit to happen. Shit will decompose.
When in doubt, whip it out.
A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts.
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Even More Confucius Says
02. Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
03. Man who gets kicked in balls, left holding the bag.
04. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
05. Passionate kiss like spider web ... lead to undoing of fly.
06. Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.
07. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
08. Virginity like balloon ... one prick, all gone.
09. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. Man who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong ... man with four balls no can walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to bang cock
