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Employee Appraisal / Counseling Sheet
Knowledge
Accuracy
Attitude
Reliability
Appearance
Performance
A city boy decided to quit the rat race and bought himself a farm, which included a few sows. He wanted to breed the sows, but had no idea how to go about it. His neighbor volunteered some information on how to do the job, and told the city boy that what he needs to do is to mate the pigs. The city boy then asked how he would be able to tell if the sows were impregnated. Which his neighbor than explained to look and see where they were early in the morning. If they were up on the hill, they were pregnant; if they were in the sty, it hadn't worked. Not knowing what his neighbor had ment by mating the pigs, the young farmer figured that he had to mate them himself. Arriving home he took his sows, loaded them up in the back of his truck, took them out in the woods and shagged them all. The next morning, he leapt from the bed and looked up the hill, but alas the pigs were down in the mud. Grumbling, he loaded them back into the pickup and headed back to the woods and again he shagged the pigs again. The following three mornings were just the same; he would leap from the bed, look up the hill, find the pigs down in the mud and have to return them to the woods and shag them all. On the fifth morning, he hadn't the strength to get out of bed. He asked his wife to look out the window and tell him where the pigs were. "Well", she replied, "They're not on the hill, and they're not in the sty." Confused the young farmer then asked his wife to tell him where then were the pigs. "I don't if you'll believe me," she said, "but the pigs are all loaded up in the truck and one of them is in the driver's seat blowing the horn!"
Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls
Stiff Opposition Expected To Casketless Funeral Plan
Hospitals Are Sued By Seven Foot Doctors
Condom Week Starts With A Cautious Bang
Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
Yellow Snow Studied To Test Nutrition
Scientists Note Progress In Herpes Battle; Ear Plugs Recommended
Antique Stripper To Demonstrate Wares At Store
Sadness Is No. 1 Reason Men And Women Cry
Mayor Says D.C. Is Safe Except For Murders
Check With Doctors Before Getting Sick
Neighbors Said Sniper Not Very Neighborly
Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime
April Slated As Child Abuse Month
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.
He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."
The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."
"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell."
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."
And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."
There once was a man named Dave,
There once was a man from Kubot
There once was a man from Kent,
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Little Willie Winkle
There once was a man named Ken
There once was a woman from Timbuktu
There once was this guy called Mike,
There once was a man from Peru
There once was a man from York
There was a farting contest coming to town
There once was a man from kanass
There once was a security guard
There once was a man from Peru
Gorgey Porgey puddin and Pie.
I once knew a person named Burl
There was a young gypsy girl Rose
There was an old lady from Wheeling,
There once was this guy named Stan
There once was a man from Monclair
There once was this guy named Gored
Mary had a little sheep,
A sexy young maiden named Jill
There once was a man from St.Paul
There was a young man from St. Rose,
There was an old hag named Van Cleef,
There once was a man from Moline
Interactive Voice Response Unit Greeting from the Personality Disorder Hotline:
"Welcome to the personality disorder hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer."
Employee Appraisal
This form indicates employee performance in the position they currently hold.
[ ] The son of a bitch really knows his stuff
[ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
[ ] Only half a brain and is dangerous
[ ] Fucking brain damaged, his coffee cup has a higher IQ
[ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy
[ ] Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass
[ ] Has to take off his shoes to count to ten
[ ] Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice
[ ] Extremely cooperative if you kiss his ass frequently
[ ] Brown nose in good standing
[ ] Often pisses off co[ ]workers, thinks it's his shop
[ ] Doesn't give a shit, never did and never will
[ ] A really dependable little cocksucker
[ ] You can rely on him at evaluation time
[ ] Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
[ ] Totally fucking useless/worthless
[ ] Extremely neat, even combs his pubic hair
[ ] Looks great at evaluation time
[ ] Flies abandon fresh dog shit to follow him around
[ ] Dirty, filthy, dirty son of a bitch
[ ] Works like a son of a bitch, if there's money in it for him
[ ] Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time
[ ] Works only if kicked in the ass every 2 minutes
[ ] Couldn't do less work if he were in a fucking comaFarmer John's Pigs
Even More Headlines
Actual headlines that have appeared in America',s newspapers... Gee It's Dark In Here
Dirty Lymerics
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
she had only one tit,
and smelled worse than shit,
but think of the money Dave saved.
who lived off of toe jam and snot,
when he had none of these,
he lived off the cheese,
from the tip of his grungy old cock.
whose cock was so long it bent,
to save himself trouble,
he put it in double,
and instead of cumming he went.
whose cock was so long he could suck it,
while licking his chin,
he said with a grin,
if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.
with a thirst for gore
stapled his sister to the door,
"Now Willie", his mother said with humor quaint,
"Don't do that, you'll scratch the paint"
who banged a girl in his den,
he knew something's wrong
when a wart grew on his shlong
and now he's in his den with Ben.
who was still a virgin at twenty two
till her boyfriend came along
and pumped her all night long
now she's at home with a baby named lulu.
who met this chick he really liked,
He tried to get near,
and she gave him a sneer,
cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke.
Who had a lot of growing up to do,
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
who picked his nose with a fork
when it got stuck
he cried "I don't give a fuck"
and walked around looking like a dork.
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ass
Who had some troubles keeping it hard
He jerked it off nightly
And squeezed it tightly
while looking at his identification card.
who fell asleep in a canoe
while dreaming of Venus
he played with his penis
and woke up all covered with goo
Jerked off in his girlfriends eye.
When her eye was good and shut,
Gorgey Fucked that one eyed slut.
Whose looks would make you hurl
why do I say it?
I'm not full of shit
this thing was half boy and half girl.
With obsessions for gentlemens' hose
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.
who had a funny feeling
she laid on her back,
and tickled her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling
Who had some trouble being a man
He wore a dress and high heels
And drove a Chevrolet with pink wheels
And soon Stan became a tran
Who screwed his wife on the stair,
The banister broke,
He quickened his stroke
And finished her off in the air.
Whose girlfriend was as flat as a board
He'd suck as hard as he could
And pulled them more then he should
But soon even Gored got bored.
And with this sheep
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil
Who swore he had but one ball
Two dirty young bitches
Tore down his breeches
And found he had none at all.
Whose love life was so full of woes,
He loved sixty-nine,
He'd do it all the time,
But always got shit on his nose.
Who was constantly passing a queef.
One day while visiting the farm,
She passed one meaning no harm,
But killed the whole herd of beef.
who made a jack off machine
at thirty-two strokes
the cock sucker broke
and turned his balls into cream!Suicide Hotline
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