| Tasteless Jokes on this Page | |||||
| 118 Things Never To Say To A Cop | Diary Of A Cat | Tell Me This | Sex On Mars | 38 Ways Of Indicating Mental Deficiency | African Roulette |
| Deep Thoughts | Fun Things Not To Do In A Church | Things Not To Say When Pulled Over | The German Test | ||
| Other Tasteless Joke Pages | |||||
| Joke Page 1 | Joke Page 2 | Joke Page 3 | Joke Page 4 | Joke Page 5 | Main Page |
1. Man, I have no idea how fast I was goin’!
Day 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple
and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have
laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you
guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds,
"Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie
penis about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why not?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his penis grows until it's quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite amazing, but it is still too narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his penis grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
A few clowns short of a circus.
The new American Ambassador was being entertained by an African Diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said. "But it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
I only had one officer Mr. Keg...
Want To Know If You Or Someone You Know Is a Gentleman?
118 Things Never To Say To A Cop
2. Can you hand me your gun?
3. Care for a doughnut?
4. Whatever you do, don’t search my trunk.
5. What exactly is “legally drunk”?
6. So, what’s a good bribe go for around here?
7. I hope you realize you’re about to ruin a perfect record.
8. Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me – how about the best of three?
9. If I were you I’d let me go!
10. Met your quota? Happy Now?
11. I want your badge number and your superior officer’s name right now.
12. You should give the ticket to my damn unreliable cruise control.
13. Speeding is an abstract concept, don’t you think?
14. If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!
15. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossicer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?
16. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
17. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
v
18. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to…
19. Touch him.
20. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
21. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
22. Refer to him by his first name.
23. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
24. When he says no, cry.
25. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
26. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
27. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
28. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don’t go that way.
29. When he puts the handcuffs on, say “Usually my dates buy me dinner first.”
30. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.
31. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops that’s the wrong name.”
32. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry I just ate the last one.
33. When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration please” right when he says it.
34. When he goes to read you your rights, sing, “La la la, I can’t hear you!”
35. Trip and fall into him.
36. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
37. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
38. Chew on the pen nervously.
39. Clean your ear with the pen.
40. If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
41. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.
42. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
43. Act like you are retarded.
44. When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
45. Or mumble to yourself.
46. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talking about dude
47. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say, hmmm… only 5 of you here tonight…
48. Ask if they know how to make donuts.
49. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
50. Ask if he watches Cops.
51. Ask if he ever watched Cop Rock.
52. Giggle if he did.
53. Talk to your hand.
54. Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her five favorite friends.
55. Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does.
56. When he frisks you, say, “You missed a spot.” And grin.
57. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
58. Try to sell him your car.
59. Ask if you can buy his car.
60. If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.
61. Play with the siren.
62. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
63. If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
64. Oops I meant OVER for dinner.
65. Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
66. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
67. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
68. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
69. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
70. Turn your head and whistle.
71. When he pulls out his nightstick, say what you gonna do with that?
72. If you are female, say I don’t do that on the first date.
73. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
74. Ask if you can see his gun.
75. When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
76. Stare at his lights and say, “Look at the pretty colors!”
77. Tell him you like men in uniform.
78. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
79. Course I’m pissed officer, d’you think I’d drive like this if I was sober.
80. Hey Asshole! Buckle Up!
81. Officer, if I weren’t so drunk right now I’d get out of this truck and kick your ass.
82. (After receiving the ticket) Thanks a lot, Officer Fuckhead!
83. Is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.
84. I was just on my way to your sister’s house.
85. Say, officer, isn’t that your mom standing around on the corner?
86. Are you just mad at me ‘cause you couldn’t go to college?
87. You can’t do that, this isn’t my car.
88. You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts.
89. I normally keep all that junk right here (pointing to the dash board), but you see, this isn’t my car, and uh, right! This isn’t my beer either!
90. I dare ya to arrest me!
91. Ha ha! I got your gu-uuun!
92. Bet ya can’t keep up with me now that you’re on foot! (Drive away)
93. Can I borrow that pen? Thanks, just wanna break it so ya can’t write me up!
94. Go to hell and have a nice day. (After tearing up the ticket.)
95. Could you leave me alone for a sec, just wanna finish this beer.
96. Hey, that’s my beer!
97. Leave me alone! Go eat some doughnuts or something!
98. No officer! That beer’s Ralph’s. No, he’s sitting right there! Don’t ya see him?
99. 60 mph in a 30 mph area? Could you put me down for 70 – I’m trying to sell the car.
100. Yes, Officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn’t seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.
101. Hey, you must have been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
102. Sorry, officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
103. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
104. Excuse me, but is “stick up” hyphenated?
105. Hi officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver’s license.
106. You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
107. Bad cop, no donut.
108. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that’s how far I am behind the other cars.
109. You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
110. Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked last week on Cops?
111. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
112. So, uh, you “On the take” or what?
113. Gee, officer, that’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
114. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
115. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?
116. Hey is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
117. Whey you smack the crap out of me, make sure you smile pretty for the camera.
118. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Diary Of A Cat
Day 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
Day 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
Day 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm.
Not working according to plan……
Day 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however in included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.”
What sick mind could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly, I over that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage….
Day 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safeties assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Tell Me This
If a person owns a piece of land does he own it all the way down to the core
of the earth ?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can't see them when you're in space?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no-one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Sex On Mars
38 Ways Of Indicating Mental Deficiency
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
I wonder how many angels could dance on his head?
African Roulette
Deep Thoughts-Jack Handy
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Life is an eternal struggle between good, evil, and Kermit the Frog.
I wish everyone would hold their breath until they turn blue. Then everyone would be the same color, and there would be no racism, and we'd live in harmony. Not for long, of course, because we'd all be dead.
Fun Things Not To Do In A Church
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano.
Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher:"Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
Dress all in black, or in camo.
Change sets for the evening service.
If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me" and lick them.
Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
Blow bubbles.
Fake a possession.
Distribute condoms.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Drool in the collection plate.
Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
Things Not To Say When Pulled Over By A Cop
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey Wasn't you daughter a pork queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
I'm surprised you stoppedd me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special.
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep up with me!
Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Excuse me, is "Stick Up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish school instead.
"Bad Cop, No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
"Lets do it different this time...I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow!"
Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
I bet I could grab that gun before you can finish writing that ticket.
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Aren't you one of the Village People?
The German Test
1.In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect form a sexual relationship
b) Your blood test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is.
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend/wife says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem-she can join a gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone..."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therepy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
