Issue 10

12th to 19th January 1998

NEWS

GALE DAMAGE IN SOUTH ENGLAND!

After many days and nights of high winds, torrential rain and freezing weather, the South of England was hit by something far more destructive. During Wednesday night, a tornadeo hit Sussex causing more damage than you could possibly imagine. One house was literally lifed free of the ground and sent into the clouds, reported to have killed one person rumoured to be "The Wicked witch of the West". We spoke to the only person in the house at the time, Dorethy, and her dog Toto.

"It was a wonderful place, and you were there, and you were there, and you were there."

As you can see, the poor child has been quite traumatised by this event. Even though there have been no other casualties reported (at time of writing). Police are warning people, however, to be on the lookout for a cowardly lion who may have escaped from a nearby zoo in the storms.

MAN ASSULTED BY VIOLENT SINGING!

At around 8am on the morning of Thursday, the 8th of January, a respectable suited man was assulted by someone singing. The man in question's name has been with-held because we didn't get around to asking him what it was. He was dressed inoffensively, and, the only reason for the singing assault that we can detirmine, is the fact he was brandishing a sign reading "Cable and Wireless".

While he was standing on Coventry Station, a young bearded man in his mid to late twenties danced upto him and started singing

"Getting to know you, getting to know about you.
Haven't you noticed, suddenly I'm bright and breezy.
You are pre-cise-ly. My cup of tea."

This worrying attack is the first in what could be many unrelated singing attacks. The police have advised residents that this man is armed (he has two, with gloved hands at the end) and extremely silly, and should be avoided at all costs.

PRINCESS DI, BUT BURRIED WHERE?

The Rumour Mill reports that Princess Diana, who died horrifically in a car crash earlier this year, may not have actually been burried on the Island at Althorp. Of course, like all rumours, this one was based 100 percent on solid facts. Solid facts which didn't actually exist. In fact, before this edition goes to print, the truth will have probably been realised and revealed to all.

We, at the Hamster Times find ourselves asking the same question again and again.

"Who's turn is it to pay for the pizza?"

Once we've decided who pays, we wonder why it is people are obsessed with conspiracies that simply cannot rationally exist. What point would it serve not having Diana burried on the Island? Do the Spencer family plan a number of official Princess Diana burrial sights all over the country? Of course they don't. What, as they say, would be the point. It is an evil person who screws people out of money using someone, or thing, they care for to do so. To all the conspiracy mongers we say

"Please stop it. It is not big, and definately is not clever. If you want to work on conspiracies, do so in your own time and not ours. Thank you."

COOK TO MARRY, AGAIN?

Foreign Secretary Robin Cook said that he plans to divorce his estranged wife and marry his secretary. Their affair was, for some reason, big news in tabloids and broadsheets alike.

Cook said, on arriving in Edinburgh for a meeting in his constituency

"The only relationship I have is with the woman I love and with the woman I will marry."

Now, we're not being stupid, but isn't that two women? Is there another secret woman out there, or was Mr Cook being ambiguious with his use of English? Does anyone really care about the private lives of ministers? Does having one, two, three or four-hundred and twenty-seven mistresses make a man a worse member of parliament? Who does it matter to, appart from the opposition party?