Issue 10

12th to 19th January 1998

Spice of Life

If someone walks up to you and makes you an offer you cannot refuse, what do you do? It happened, I, Hamster Spice was there. The powers that be granted me a full pass to the official early screening of that which we call Spiceworld, The Movie. That is the sort of introduction that I, Hamster Spice, should be writing. I should be writing about the acting, the performance. The way Geri seems so sexy in that outfit in scene 47. Unfortunately, that which I'd like to call The Management decided it would be in the best interests of the Hamster Times if the assistant editor went to report on Spiceworld instead of me. I, for one, am sulking. Sulk, sulk, sulk, sulk, sulk. Everyone knows that the assistant editor has only one interest in the Spice Girls - and its not in their musical ability. Many a time I've found him staring and grunting at semi-clad images of the girls. He discusts me. If he wasn't so cute I would stop wearing these micro-miniskirts. Of course, this is the wrong place to vent my anger. I should be welcoming back all you spice girls fans - especially as my column last issue was replaced with a couple of games. Oh yes, I'm sure it was a good idea - but I had a lot of really interesting stuff to say. Oh well, unless the editor decides to Bobbit all of this, this weeks Spice Of Life should be a bumper edition. Of course, in with the new Hamster Times look, there is a slight cosmetic change to my humble column. Of course, you've bound to have noticed that by now. The most important change is that they've given me as much freedom to rant and rave in my opening section. Cool? I think so. Of course I [ Editor's note: Hamster Spice continued rambling for another 47 pages after this point, so, for the sake of our readers, the decision was made to chop it here. Of course, Hamster Spice doesn't mind - in fact she's still busy writing page 48... um... page 49 of this introduction. She has no idea. Anyway, fortunately she wrote all these reports prior to the introduction, and they all appear here, below. Enjoy yourselves! ]

SPICEWORLD, The Movie
Review by our own assistant editor.

Yes! The long awaited film. As the poster's promote "They don't just sing". In fact, no singing is to be heard at all during the film, but really, that is to be expected. But the special affects, they are astounding! Especially the underwater scenes. You see them swimming, which is more than just a little bit cool. Not since Lara Croft dived gracefully into a stretch of water has a computer generated image held my attention. Pure beautiful to behold.

Of course, you're probably asking "What about the Spice Girls? Do they act as well as they can sing?" Well. Their singing ability is... and their acting ability is... um. In fact they didn't appear much in the movie at all, but those hybrids... spooky. Not to mention the good old facehuggers and chestbursters. Of course, the way they got around Ripley's death in the last film was a bit flimsy to say the least. Um. Oh. I shouldn't have said that should I? Okay, confession time. I was there. At the ticket office.

"One for SpiceWorld please young mam, man, or whichever gender you in reality are."

In that simple eye movement, I knew she wanted me. I got up, fell over the semi-clad blonde next to me - much to the annoyance of the 'boyfriend', and proceeded to walk towards her. She started to draw me closer. Where she got the pencil from I don't know, but the attraction was alarming. Once the alarms were silenced I remarked that she had a nice mole on her shoulder.

"I know," she said," I found him in my garden the other week and I always wanted to be a pirate."

I commented that pirates usually have parrots on their shoulders, but she shrugged and told me that the likelyhood of her finding a parrot digging up her garden at three in the morning, was slightly less likely than her neighbour parking the Titanic across her drive because they 'had guests for dinner'. I didn't pursue this avenue of questioning, even though the cannibalistic nature of her neighbours intrigued me more than a little.

Well, what was I to do. I had a naked women with mole in one hand, and a movie review in the other. I looked at the woman, long and hard I looked at her. Then I looked at the movie. I looked to my heart; which was quite hard to do what with it encased below layers of skin and bone. I knew what I had to do.

After I put the girl and the movie review down, I made my decision.

During the hours in which we made passionate love, me, her and her mole, I caught glimpses of the movie. Making artistic notes in shorthand upon her naked flesh. By the time the movie was over, she was covered in so much shorthand that I appeared to have drawn a tight fitting lacy bodice on her - with matching underskirt and boots. Had the movie been but thirty minutes longer, I would have had her in full victorian dress. But it was not to be.

I haven't seen her since. She said her name was Gertie and she was a conductor on the number 47 bus route. I thought it strange that she didn't perform in a theatre or opera house, but she said she prefered the accoustics of West Midlands' public transport. Every Tuesday, she said, her and her band would be there. The string section up the front near the driver - violins to the left, Bass and violas to the right. The Brass section along the back seat. Drums were, unfortunately upstairs - due to lack of space. Too many Standees I believe the phrase is. She was quite fit. It's all the running up and down to get the drums to sound just after the trombones that does it. I keep looking for her. Sometimes, I see a bus go by and I swear I hear the gay tunes of a band on the move.

Maybe it's love? I have yet to see her on the number 47. Maybe tomorrow we'll meet again. Who can say?

SPICEWORLD, the TV show?

Well. Despite the 'assistant editor' reviewing the movie (which I still haven't seen - that is the movie, or his review (the art department will paste it in later prior to going to press)) I have a little news straight from the horses mouth. Apparently, the forgone box office smash that is the movie is going to produce a spinoff, like all good movies.

Plans for the TV series are quite sketchy at the moment, but rough plans for each episode include...

• The girls living in this big house - with a fire pole in the middle of it.
• The girls singing at least one song during the show.
• Quite strange and funky things happening - to say the least.
• A problem happening - possibly quite a minor one - the girls then running around in short skirts until the problem is solved, which, it will be.

There is to be a theme song for the Spiceworld TV show. Producers are currently undecided between the following two songs.

"One spice girl, two spice girls, three spice girls, four.
Five spice girls make a group and so do many more.
Something, something, something, something.
Something, something, something, something.

La la la, la-la-la la, la la la, la-la-la-la.
La la la, la-la-la la, la la la, la-la-la-la."

"Hey! Hey! We're the Spice Girls.
People say we're humming around.
But we're too busy singing,
And screaming 'GIRL POWER'!

Over there is Scary,
and Posh has got something to say.
Geri, Emma and Sporty,
Are not splitting up today!

Wow! I have to say this is something to really look forward to. Not since New Kids on the Block (who are they?) has a group spawned their own TV show - and that was (I've been told) a piddly little badly animated cartoon. This is real. In your face, in the flesh. I can hardly wait!

RUMOURS - EMMA GETS TATTOO!

Rumours are abound that Emma Burton, Baby Spice, has had a tattoo. This tattoo, is quite simply the words "BABY SPICE" and appears on her buttocks. Why she would do this is anyone's guess, but, rumours are unconfirmed that she plans to add "if found, please return to" followed by an address below it.

Some say that the real reason is that she wants, were she ever to cop off at a party, the guy who's "doing her" to remember her name. Either that, or think she's some crazy sad fan chick with no life.

CHRISTMAS SPICE!

Well, you may have noticed that over the Christmas period, that TV (British TV at least) was bombarded with numerous Spice Girl Specials. From the making of Spiceworld, to the Top of the Pops special, to their 1st ever live concert. Quite simply, wonderful. The best Christmas ever, really! Who needs stuffy old comedy shows, variety shows, and other terrible Christmas offerings when we have the Girls?

They all, were quite simply brilliant. They turned a dull Christmas into one filled with fun and excitement. Without them, I don't quite know what we all would do.

Want to 'play with' a spice girl?

Well, Christmas came and went. Amoung the merchandise in the front line of Christmas toys were 2 two varieties of Spice Girl doll. The 1st, looking remarkably like Cindy or Barbie dolls of times gone by, were the 'fully realisticly official spice girl dolls'. These dolls, available for around 16 pounds each could be dressed and undressed as much as you desired. In fact, I believe our assistant editor has dressed and undressed Geri so much, the trademarked union jack dress is becoming frayed and torn. Of course, him being the way he is, he's only gone and filled in her naughty bits - and quite realistic they are too. I'm sure there are many, similarly interested fans, who would like a realistic Geri, or Posh, or Baby doll with all the realistic bits. I don't like much but I have to admit he's got Geri's 'bounce' kinda right.

The second of these doll type are in a similar mold to those of the Premiership novelty footballer figures which were popular (I'm told) a couple of years ago. They have heads bigger than their bodies, even Emma, and are really quite ugly to look at. Still, I'm sure they appeal to someone.

We don't have any official figures on Christmas toy sales, but the one's we made up saw the Spice Girl dolls narrowly beating the Tickle Me Elmo toys. Tellytubby dolls failing to register to vote due to their young age. The most popular Spice Girl doll was Posh, closely followed by Geri and Emma. Sporty beat Scary on points, and the big fight next week involves big bad Philip Marlow Vs the undertaker. One to look out for there then.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Do you want to be a spice girl? Do you want to dance around in a tight mini-skirt and sing meaningful songs to loving rooms full of fans (no people, just loving rooms full of fans) ? Well, now you can.

To tie in with Spiceworld the movie, there is now Spiceworld the game. Available on playstation and all good formats, the game does something. We're not sure what. We can't afford playstation games. It would be nice if it was a virtual Spice Girl though. If you had to feed her, play with her, keep her away from footballers ... etc.

I dunno. If anyone has spiceworld the game and wants to mail it to us, they should contact the editor who will pass on our snail mail address to you.

If anyone has a playstation they want to send us so we can play the spiceworld game, again, contact the editor and he'll pass our snail mail address onto you.

S'Long. Until Next time

Well, all good things come to an end. A tattooed end in Emma's case, which, as they say "is nice". Many of the items reported here, I have to say, are purely unfounded rumours, and may have no place in or out of reality. Still, at least we aren't as bad as certain newspapers who choose to expose nude spice girl fake pictures by cutting and pasting Spice Girl's heads onto the bodies of page 3 girls. What, as I say, is the point. You've seen one naked body, you've seen them all. Not that you see everything as you really can't show that sort of thing in a family newspaper, if that's what you'd call it.

Anyway, until next week, have fun, take care, behave!