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Previous Issue:9.
Copyright © 1998 Twin and Earth Publishing.
Hamster Times / Issue 10 12th to 19th January 1998

Hamster Times' Stars

January
1998

  • Aries, The Ram
    (21st March to 20th April)

    With 1998 freshly upon us, those born under the sign of Aries will find that this brave new year is full of changes. Changes, great changes. With the age of Aquarius just around the corner, you will feel unnatural desires for sardines. You should fight them with all your might, failure to do so results in grave implications; the least of these being a 2 page spread in 'The News of the World' under the title Vicar in Fishy business on the first Sunday in February.

  • Tarus, The Bull
    (21st April to 21st May)

    When you were younger, so much younger than today. You never needed anybody's help in any way. But now those days are gone, you're not so self assured. Now you find that you've changed your mind, and you've opened up the door. You need someone to help you, if they can - because you're feeling down. I know, you kinda appreciate friends being around. You need some help to get your feet back on the ground - you need someone please to help you, help you.

  • Gemini, The Twins
    (22nd May to 21st June)

    The duality of those born under the sign of Gemini this month, will result in scary things happening in your local Mc Burger Joint. A cute short haired girl will walk into your life and talk of all things spooky. She should be treated with caution, or a nice lotion until the itching subsides. Remember, red is bad, green is good, black looks nice - worn as a hood.

  • Cancer, The Crab
    (22nd June to 23rd July)

    Oh dear. The January sales have got you going. You cannot pass a shop without pulling out your card and picking up the latest bargin. Of course, this will cause you to have many dealings with the entity known as The bank Manager, who, while nice and happy at first, will soon come to scheme and plot your downfall. Beware, beware his tooth and claw. Beware his blood-red eye. Beware his tail of scale, his breath of fire, his tongue so thick and pointed. Beware his skin of blue, with arrow and sword, and soul so bold - make sure your thrust is true.

  • Leo, The Lion
    (24th July to 23rd August)

    Those born under the sign of Leo will find two unlikely friends in the form of a warthog and a ... well... I'm not quite sure what. But these two friends, after teaching you a new song, will be quite loyal and brave, if rather stupid. They will even help when your evil uncle who actually killed your dad (but you don't know that yet) tries to kill you and seize control of your empire. Keep watching over your shoulder, keep checking your back, and stop wearing that damn jacket with the target on the back!

  • Virgo, The Virgin
    (24th August to 23rd September)

    You remember how last year you had that one week when everything seemed to go right. When everything that happened was totally brilliant. That everything you touched seemed to turn to gold. This month, you will have to pay for that run of fortune. In fact, you have to pay with interest. But what is ten pounds between friends?

  • Libra, The Scales
    (24th September to 25th October)

    Balance, your most endearing feature, will be lacking this month. In fact, it will be lacking next month, the month after that, and the month after that. In fact it is going to be such a bad start to the year, it might be better if you went into hibernation until the end of March.

  • Scorpio, The Scorpion
    (24th October to 22nd November)

    Scorpio, arch nemesis of the world. Once again your grand master plan will be thwarted at the last minute by Secret Agent, James Bond. He will, while you take time to explain in detail your plan, find his way out of the bonds you have him in, run over to the master computer, hit the button marked "I've changed my mind about world domination" and bring the curtain down on your schemes. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

  • Sagittarius, The Archer
    (23rd November to 21st December)

    January is a great month to add new strings to your bow - not to mention arrows to your quiver. Of course, strings and arrows are no good if your aim is short of the mark. This month, you should concentrait on improving your abilities, but should be wary of boasting about them too soon, for that would cause you to fall flat on your face, again. Learn from your mistakes.

  • Capricorn, The Goat
    (22nd December to 20th January)

    Hey little goat, what do I see? A cute little goat, looking at me. Hey little goat, what do you wear? Your flesh is covered by a lot of hair. As always, with the last few star signs, we run out of interesting things to say. We've already used up the quota of 'bad news' and 'good news' on all the other star signs. We've used up the 'damn wierd' and 'funky moped' quota too. So what can we do? Nothing really. No-one really believes all this anyway.

  • Aquarius, The Waterbearer
    (21st January to 19th February)

    You will feel a little drip this month. In fact, you'll feel so much of a drip that you'll suspect that the roof is leaking again. In fact, it isn't, and the responsibility lies with that glass of water someone stapled to your head during that new years party. It also explains all those funny looks you've been getting. Might I suggest seeing a doctor?

  • Pisces, The Fishes
    (20th February to 20th March)

    Ah, the last of the signs. Fishes. Fishy, fishy, fishy. Indeed, as they say you are what you eat - which explains why your other half has turned into a quarter pound of swiss cheese. You should feed them lots of burgers before the mice get at them.