Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space. Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone? Cat: Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand! ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Lister: Don't give me this Star Trek crap, it's too early in the morning.  
Rimmer: Is that painting yours? It's rubbish!Lister: It's a mirror. Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer. Rimmer: Already have done. Lister: Encore! Lister: `Mr Arnold' isn't even his name. His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead'; or `Dinosaur breath'; or `Molecule Mind'. And if you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite -- on those rare and exceptional circumstances, you can call him `Arsehole'.  Kryten: Damage control report: Dehydration level 45%; Recall of previous evening 2%; Embarrassment factor 91%! Advise repair schedule: Reboot startup disk, offline for 36 hours and replace head.
Boy! What a night!
Kryten: Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand. Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? Kryton: This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime... it is also his punishment. Lister: You ok, man? Kryten: I'm fine, thank you, Susan. Lister: The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is happening? Kryten: Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco. Kryten: It's the old, old story: droid meets droid, droid becomes Chameleon, droid loses Chameleon, Chameleon turns into Blob, droid gets Blob back again, Blob meets Blob, Blob goes off with Blob, and droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid. How many times have we seen that story? 
Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000. The same IQ as 6000 PE teachers. Holly: Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah! Holly: It's a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer coulda made. Holly: Appreciate what you've got because basically I'm fantastic. 
Holly: I'm the nearest thing you can get to infullible.Lister: Infallible. Holly: Exactly. Holly: Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement. Lister: We want no muffins, no toast, no tea cakes, no buns, baps, baggets or bagels. No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes, and no hot cross buns. And definitely no smegging flapjacks! Toaster: Ah! So you're a waffle man! Toaster: Howdy doodly doo! ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Mr Flibble: So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane? I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ... people I met. ~ Mr Flibble to the crew as he departs ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ 
Cat: Meckles, heckles, hackles, schmeckles, whatever the hell they are,
they're up right now and pointed at you, bud!
Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic, and you're self-obsessed. Cat: You just listed all my best features! Cat: This is mine; that's mine... I'm claiming all this as mine ... except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine! Hey, this has been a good day! I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine! Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can't have sex with something! Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass. Cat: "Is that what I think it is?" Lister: "What do you think it is?" Cat: "An orange whirly thing in space?" Cat: "I hate to get all technical on you guys, but - all hands on deck! Swirly thing alert!" Genny: You know, you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen. Cat: Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it. Genny: Do you know what I'd really like? Cat: Hmm? Genny: I'd really like to make love to a guy like you. Cat: Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere. Let's see, er, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds time? Genny: Nothing I couldn't cancel. Cat: Hi, I'm the Cat. Genny: Hi, I'm the Genetic Mutant. Cat: Glad to know you ... Genny who? Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to tell you... Rimmer: Yes? Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say... Rimmer: Yes? Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead! Rimmer: What?! This isn't my fantasy! Cat: No -- it's mine. Cat: What is it? Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum. Cat: What is it? Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room. Cat: What is it? Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply. Cat: What is it? Lister: It's a hole back into the past. Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say? Cat: I'm so excited all six of my nipples are tingling. Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer! Cat: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back! ~ * ~ * Rimmer:  I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I have ever been forced to endure. I consider it an insult to my backside to have to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent slush.Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm ALIVE!!!!! Rimmer: If you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which one would you pick? Ace: Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast. Mellie: If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup. Ace: Sorry, Mellie -- I don't fraternise with staff. Mellie: I resign. Ace: I'll be there at 1300. Rimmer: This master character... and I acknowledge I may not want to know the full answer to this one -- but why does he want me oiling particulary? Obviously whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes? Woman1: He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity. Rimmer: Not the best news, but it could have been worse. Nirvana: It was... different. Rimmer: Different? Nirvana: You make love like a Japanese meal. Small portions but SO many courses. Lister: What time is it? Rimmer: Saturday. Lister: Is that the best you can do? Rimmer: There are some numbers next to it, but they could be anything. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
More...Confidence: Oxygen's for losers! Holly: Busy, Dave? Lister: Well, yeah. I am, actually. Holly: Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-lightspeed fighters that are tracking us. Lister: What?! Holly: I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate. Lister: No, Hol, come on, come on. Holly: They're from Earth. Lister: Three million years away? Holly: They're from the NorWEB federation. Lister: What's that? Holly: The North Western Electricity Board. They want you, Dave. Lister: Me? Why? What for? Holly: For your crimes against humanity. Lister: You what! Holly: It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen. Lister: Did I? Holly: You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years? Lister: Yeah. They go all mouldy. Holly: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB. Lister: Why NorWEB? Holly: You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds. Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds! You're kidding! Holly: (wearing Groucho Marx disguise) April fool. Lister: But it's not April. Holly: Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jape like that under my belt. Dog: I tell you what: I'm gonna smell your behind, then you can smell mine! Now is that a deal? Cat: You want to smell my WHAT? Lister: Cat Cat: Grunt Lister: Did you ever see the Flintstones? Cat: Sure! Lister: Do you think Wilma's sexy? Cat: Wilma Flintstone? Lister: Maybe it's 'cos we've bin in deep space too long but every time I see that Sherwood body it drives me crazy. Is it me? Cat: I think in all probability Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived. Lister: That's good I thought I was going strange. Cat: She's incredible Lister: What d'ya think of Betty? Cat: Betty Rubble? Lister: (Nods agreeing) Cat: I'd go with Betty but I'd be thinking of Wilma Lister: This is crazy why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone? Cat: Your right we're nuts this is an insane conversation! Lister: She'll never leave Fred and we know it! Cat: (Nods head agreeing) Therapst: Hello, I'm Dr Lucas McClaren. I'm the ships chief psychiatric counsellor and I thought it was about time we got together and had a really good natter. Kryten: My name is Kryten, sir. Therapist: Lovely. We are doing well aren't we? Now, you're a robot aren't you? Kryten: I was the last time I looked, sir, yes Therapsit: And can you tell me when you were created? Can you remember? Kryten: 2340, sir. Therapist: Very good. 2340, that's in the future isn't it? Kryten: Yes sir I was created after you died. Therapist: Lovely. Lovely. So I died and you were created and how long would you say I've been dead altogether? Kryten: You're not dead any more, sir. Therapist: Aren't I? Kryten: No no. You're alive again now, sir. Can't you tell? Therapist: Right, I was alive, died and then started living again. Kryten: You've been most fortunate, sir. more Red Dwarf quotes... quotes fun quotes Groucho Marx quotes Beautiful World |
