~ * ~ * ~ Convict: You have no weapons? Lister: No. You have no weapon? Convict: No. [they advance] Guess what. [pulls out a knife] I lied. Lister: Guess what. [pulls out a length of pipe] So did I. Convict: But I lied ... [pulls out a gun] ... twice. Lister: I didn't think of that. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Lister: We don't exactly do that much salvaging. Woman: But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries. Kryten: We don't eat curries every night, if that's what you mean. In fact, I distinctly remember a time last June: Mr Lister had a pizza. Lister: That's right. Kryten: Remember? And you didn't like it. But then I poured curry sauce all over it, and he just yummed it up! Woman: And the all-night poker sessions: is it always strip poker? Lister: It all depends on how drunk we are. Cat: Or how much curry he's had. Woman: So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have much interest in horse riding or ballet? Lister: Fine by us -- just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool. Well, of course, there's one or two other people we have to see, but, in theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram, would you accept? Woman: No. No, I think I'm better off where I am. Cat: But you're dead! Woman: And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more. ~ * ~ * ~ Cat: Hi, buddy! Inq: This is your judgment day, bud. I gotta be cruel. There can't be no favours. Cat: I'm hearing you on FM. Inq: I have to ask you the question. Justify your existence. What contribution have you made? Cat: I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass. Inq: Well, that's true. Cat: Can I go now? Inq: That's your case? Cat: You need more? Inq: Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument. Cat: Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a great ass. Inq: Somtimes you astonish even me. Cat: Thank you. ~ * ~ * ~ Cat: What? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields? Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: We don't have any defensive shields, and Two: We don't have any defensive shields. Now, I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw, but I thought that it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice. ~ * ~ * ~ Talkie Toaster: Given that God is infinite, and that the Universe is also infinite, would you like a toasted tea cake? (after Lister was turned into a chicken) Cat: The question is: Can we turn him back again? Rimmer: The question is: Do we want to? ~ * ~ * ~ Lister: Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you, I'm that far from cracking. (about to squish the pea, but it snaps away). I've lost my pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked. Rimmer: He's just doing this to destroy your morale. Lister: Is he? Well, I want my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea. Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor all covered in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is ~ it's my pea, I earned it, and I'm going to eat it no matter what! Rimmer: It flew off into your dirty-sock basket. Lister: I'll just have the toast. ~ * ~ * ~ Lister: Any problems? Kryten: Well, just one or two. In fact I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me. Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function. Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom. Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus? Lister: Well, you just move your head closer to the object. Kryten: I see. Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right, okay. Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow motion? Lister: No. We don't have them. Kryten: You don't have them - just the zoom? Hmm. Well, no, that's fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great. Now then, my nipples don't work. Lister: Er, in what way `don't work'? Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM. Lister: Human nipples don't do that, Kryte. Kryten: I see. Fine. Ah: recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption. Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps falling out. Lister: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging. Kryten: Hmm. Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject - not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation. Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man. Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolecent sniggering? Lister: Yeah, of course we can. Kryten: Thank you. (hands Lister polaroid) Well? Lister: `Well' what? Kryten: Well, what do you think? Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say? Kryten: I want to know, is that normal? Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not! Kryten: Well, but is it supposed to look like that? Lister: Well, yeah. Kryten: It's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there, that's it. That's the shape we're looking for, the last-chicken-in-the-shop look"? Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with one of those stashed in his slacks? Lister: Well, yeah. Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode! Ugh. Now, take a look at this (hands Lister polaroid. Lister rotates it several times, confused) and this. (hands Lister second polaroid. Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom. Sudden shock) Now why do you suppose that happened? Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time? Kryten: Well, nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through an electrical-appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay. Lister: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances. Kryten: It /was/ a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag. Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid. Do yourself a favour, man, change back. Kryten: Back? Become one of those poor sappy sad-act mechanoids again? This is my dream. Hey listen, listen, I've got a joke for you. Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Lister: (sadly) I don't know. Kryten: Twelve. And you know why? Lister: (even sadder) Why? Kryten: Because they're so stupid! Uhuhuhuhuh. Isn't that just the greatest joke? Huhuh. I've got another one. Ever heard of the mechanoid peeping-Tom? (looks repeatedly, like a machine.)Uhuhuhuhuh. Lister leaves. External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing. Later: Cat: Man, this is a totally wacked-out idea. It's never going to work. Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything. Why shouldn't it work? The hard part was finding one of my dead cells. Cat: You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff? Rimmer: Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it. That machine has a clone facility. Cat: But a man made from dandruff? It's never going to work. The first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear. Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff - my body will be recreated from the genetic pattern contained in its structure. (Lister enters) Cat: How's Kryten? Lister: Confused. If he ever offers to show you his photo collection, my advice is: decline, politely. ~ * ~ * ~ Holly: Purple alert! Purple alert! Lister: What's a purple alert? Holly: Well, it's like not as bad as a red a alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert. Lister: What's a purple alert? Holly: Well, it's like not as bad as a red a alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert. ~ * ~ * ~ Red Dwarf quotes ~ page 1 quotes fun quotes Groucho Marx quotes Beautiful World |
