Cast: Greg Proops, Rory Bremner, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, and Clive Anderson

Let's Make a Date: Greg = contestant; Rory = Prince Charles; Colin = in love with his own body; Ryan = former business partner ripped off by Greg
Greg starts the game off in fine style with his first comments to Rory. "I love to have fun and I will fully put out if I have fun." Asking Rory where he would take Greg on a date, Rory does his professional best Prince Charles voice and gives the entire character away by responding, "Cornwall. I own most of it anyway." Greg is enough of an Anglophile that I'm sure he knows that Prince Charles is the largest landowner in Cornwall. (For non-Anglophiles, Prince Charles doesn't receive any money from the British government. His major source of income is from Cornwall. And that's a LOT of income) Greg starts questioning Colin who begins nuzzling his hands, his strong muscular thighs (Those are Colin's words. Not mine. Not that I disagree, mind you!), moaning while rubbing his chest, and ending with playing with his ears seductively. (Is it warm in here to you too?) Greg starts Ryan's questions by announcing, "Bachelor Number three, I'm still tripping on Number two," which starts Ryan right up. "Tripping! Tripping! Like taking a trip with someone else's wife!" "Where would you take me on our date?" "I'd take you somewhere where the sound of a gun shot can't be heard." And so on. Ryan does angry / bitter, so very well; it's a little worrisome sometimes. Back to Rory with a fairly simple question. Then on to Colin: "Hello, Foot!" Greg moves on again. "Bachelor Number three, what's your favorite color?" "Red! Blood red!"

Finally, Clive buzzes in and asks if Greg has any idea who the bachelors are. Greg responds with one of my favorite lines from the night. "Oh, I think I do, Clive. But you know how this goes. There's always the hope of me getting it and then the crushing disappointment of my actual guess." Greg easily guesses Rory. Then comes in with "For those of you playing at home, Number two is quite a challenge." He guesses that Colin is a narcissist, which is the best one word to describe Colin's quirk. Unfortunately, Greg was only two for three because he thought that Ryan was a serial murderer. As they were putting back the chairs, Greg said something to Ryan that I still haven't quite figured out. For some reason, Greg said "George Washing...." But I can't make out the last syllable. Sounds like Washington. But why would Greg be talking about George Washington????? This was a very funny game. I know we often beg to have Greg play more quirks. But there's a real fine art to the role of the "straight" man. Sometimes, it's harder to do than the quirky parts. And Greg was spot on here.

Secret: Noah's ark; secret = hidden in bottom of boat
Ryan and Colin begin the scene almost simultaneously. Unfortunately, they were at different points in the Noah story. Ryan started by hammering a peg into the not yet built boat. "They won't be laughing at me, soon!" Meanwhile, Colin was already sweeping up after animals. "Two elephants! Thank you!" Ryan switched gears, and our wild ride got underway. "Two ants. It all evens out, doesn't it?" Colin decides that the boat needs a hole in the bottom for the animal waste to drain out. (Don't ask how the boat will float with a hole in it. As Clive pointed out — having a hole in the bottom of the boat was a bit of a secret in and of itself!) After carving a hole, with a pickaxe!, Colin discovers "Eighteen commandments????" Ryan: "I thought I'd bring along a few extra in case we broke a few along the way." Colin: "Thou shalt not wear leather? What is that?" Ryan: "Thou shalt not borrow money. I thought that was pretty good." Colin does a great pseudo King James Bible and came up with a line that should rival his Luke 19:40 Go on Give It A Squeeze line: "For the Lord has not spoken unto to you as to give us the commandments for which we should live by." Nice, nice, Jacobean English there, Colin. I like. Ryan: "You don't have to listen to the Lord on everything. Look three penguins." Colin: "Quick! Separate the rabbits!" And in the blink of our mind's eye, we saw two rabbits multiply into 400 and pile up to Ryan's armpits. All thanks to a marvelous bit of mime from Ryan. (Although for some reason, the rabbits looked like Tribbles in my imagination. Go figure.) Colin decides that it's time to get the Lord in on this little disagreement. So he calls Him. On the telephone. (Apparently, Alexander Graham Bell didn't invent the phone after all.) Fortunately, for the blasphemous Ryan, he had brought along two phones, told the Lord that they had dialed the wrong number, hung up, and forced Colin to hang up too. Finally, Ryan added: "Remember, how it's two of everything? I'd like you to meet Theresa." End of Scene. And the fact that I just quoted about 40% percent of the skit's lines from memory should tell you just how much I enjoyed watching it.

Film Dub: One Day on the Street; Greg = cab driver; Ryan = woman wanting ride; Rory = man walking by
I've stated before that Film Dub is not a favorite game of mine. But I enjoyed this one more than most I've seen. Ryan's woman was trying to get Greg's taxi cab driver to take her uptown. But he wouldn't. When Roger Moore on screen and in voice (Rory's impersonation) walked by, he tried to help her convince the driver. Which somehow switched into the man and the driver going behind the tool shed. Which somehow turned into the man giving the driver 5 pounds to drive off. Leaving Ryan's woman and Rory's man alone together on screen. Ryan commented that if the taxi driver was worth 5 pounds then she must be worth 10. To which Rory responds with the game's best line. "I'll be the judge of that."

Sports Commentary: Ryan and Colin = showing off for a girl in a nightclub; Greg and Rory = commentators
the cut game. Sport Commentary has been an average game for me. (I've seen it twice before.) But I think I'd have traded Film Dub for it anyway. Film Dub had its moments especially for Rory. And I liked it better than most Film Dub, but I'd still have given it up for a chance to see all four play a game. (And "see" is the operative word since my biggest complaint about Film Dub is that I can't see the players.)

World's Worst: outtakes from a news show or documentary (i.e. bloopers from news shows); all four
Lots of very good stuff here. Ryan starts first — laughing at a fire then realizing that he's on the air. Greg comes in: "These are the rarest beetles in the world." Greg steps one step to the side. Crunch! "These were the rarest beetles in the world." Colin's next. Running in terror; yelling "It's a tidal wave! It's a tidal wave!" Ryan isn't wearing any clothes from the waist down. Colin is sinking in quicksand and wondering if quicksand is actually dangerous. Greg is in Central America where the prostitutes are the cheapest he's ever found. Colin's best: "Due to our low ratings......... 50 dead in Manitoba!" (I should mention that Colin is doing a song and dance while saying that.) Ryan's best: "I repeat the Russians have launched their missiles. We only have about 20 minutes left. Honey, I've never loved you. I've always wanted to sleep with your sister. She's much prettier. To my employer who I've worked with...." Rory only contributed two entries. But the second was the game ender, and it was a killer. Bringing Colin down with him. Rory plants a long, loud squishy kiss on Colin (Ryan is trying VERY hard not to laugh) and then turns around to the audience and signs off. Leaving Colin looking like a deer caught in headlights. Lots of good "worst" stuff here.

I happen to know a little background story about Rory's kiss. So I'm going to divert a little from the show and pass it along. If you watch the scene closely, as the camera pulls back from Ryan's Russia World's Worst to focus on all four again, you can that Rory has leaned over to Colin and spoken with him. According to Colin, Rory leaned over and whispered, "Is it okay if I snog you?" Being the agreeable improviser that he is, Colin said sure. While they were waiting for the applause from Ryan's World's Worst to die down, Colin started thinking to himself. "Did he say 'snog'? Snog. Snog. Now, what does that mean again?" So, even though Colin knew in advance that Rory was going to do SOMETHING. And even though Colin had given Rory his permission to do SOMETHING. And even though Rory thought Colin KNEW what was going to happen. Colin was still surprised by the kiss because he couldn't remember what "snog" meant.

Home Shopping: Ryan and Colin sell a book with no pages, a banana peel, and an unflushable toilet
The official name of the first item Ryan and Colin is "a book with no pages" because that's what Clive told them they were supposed to sell. Although in the game, Colin changed it to a book with no words. Colin's reason why you should buy a book with no words? So that you can quickly finish the book. Read the front cover. Flip the cover over to the empty inside. Flip the back cover and you're done! (The book was an Agatha Christie, by the way. But I never could make out the title.) Another reason for buying a book with no words. As a sleep aid. Stare at the blank inside for 20 minutes. And you're asleep. Colin: "How much will you pay for the book of words?" Ryan: "85 pounds?" Colin: "No." Ryan: "50 pounds?" Colin: "No." Ryan: "134 pounds?" Colin: "Yes." Ryan: "That's a BARGAIN! Especially for you Canadians because that is only 22 dollars."

Ryan got to sell the banana peel. The kind you slip on. The kind you fall down and hurt yourself with. The kind you find that special someone with. You slip and fall. "Lady, Lady! I'm hurt. Dum dum da dum." Colin: "The perfect matrimonial maker!" Ryan: "And you can use it to disguise yourself." (banana peel under Ryan's chin) "Who am I?" Colin: "Abraham Lincoln." (banana peel on Ryan's head) Ryan: "Rasta man, Rasta man." (banana peel under Ryan's nose) Ryan: "Who am I?" Colin: "Abraham Lincoln." Ryan: "It doesn't matter!" (I think the correct answer was Hitler. I also suspect Colin knew the correct answer was Hitler.)

Finally, the guys move to the third and final item to sell. The unflushable toilet. A woman in the audience (who obviously came in on the train, according to Clive) suggested this one. Colin begins the spiel but trips over his words. "We got one more thing to sell. We'll all backed up.... We're backed up with unflushable toilets." And after tripping over his words, Colin looks to Ryan for a little help. Now, I'm not quite sure what happened next. Some invisible improv goddess must have possessed Ryan's mind just then because Ryan took off and never looked back. Never let Colin get a word in edgewise, either. Not that Colin tried to speak. He spent the entire spiel staring at this strange person sitting next to him whom he had clearly never met before. Not even blinking until after the buzzer when he just grinned at Ryan and started shaking his head. You see, Ryan wasn't one to brag. But sometimes, well, he just wanted to see what he had. But he'd forget and hit the toilet handle anyway. And whoosh, it was gone. Down the drain. But with an unflushable toilet..... It was still there. He could look at it anytime he wanted to. BUZZ. Oh my. I agree with Colin there. But it was very funny.

Dead Bodies: Ryan and Rory = cowboys rounding up the herd; Greg = Indian girl; Colin = moves bodies
Dead bodies is one of those WLiiA's silly games that just makes me laugh every time. Colin playing every vocal part. And using a different voice for each character. The "dead" bodies trying so hard not to laugh. And usually failing. Rory and Ryan were on horses going after the cattle. Colin started making Ryan whip his horse in order to speed up. Ryan nearly lost it then. Then Greg comes in, says a few lines, and is hit in the head by a totem pole. Colin first tries to pick up Rory to carry him over the unconscious Indian girl. Then he realizes that Ryan is closer to Greg and so picks up Ryan to carry him over to Greg. (Did you notice that Ryan kept his feet off the ground while Colin was carrying him so that they wouldn't add extra drag?) Colin brings Ryan over to Greg who is standing on his own. And speaking for Ryan, Colin announces that the Indian girl is "beau — ti — ful" bringing Ryan's and Greg's faces within inches of each other. Greg keeps it together better than Ryan who always has a hard time playing dead in this game. "Why don't you help us round up the — cat — tle?" Colin gets Ryan back to his chair and then puts Greg in his lap! Finally, bringing Rory, Ryan, and Greg's heads together, Colin announces "Why don't we all have a kiss to cement our relations with our Indian friends?" Rory broke ranks then and opened his eyes. I think he was looking at Clive for a little help. But I'm not sure. Although this game was shown after the World's Worst Rory / Colin kiss, I can't tell if it was taped after their kiss. But I'm pretty sure that taped before or after, either way, Rory wasn't too keen on the idea of a three-way kiss with Ryan and Greg!

Party Quirk: Greg = host; Rory = Clive Anderson; Colin = constantly dying and being reincarnated; Ryan = gazelle stalked by a lion
While reading his card, Colin laughed and shook his head as he often does. But Ryan's reaction was different from any one I've seen him do before. He was actually sitting there trying out different facial expressions to determine which one he wanted to use. The audience could see him experimenting and started laughing before Greg had even gone downstage. So Greg looked over to see what caused the audience reaction. Greg probably saw what Ryan was doing. Unfortunately, it didn't help Greg's guessing any. Rory's Clive impersonation was okay. But Greg does a better one. To be fair to Rory, I seriously doubt that he has had many professional opportunities to impersonate Clive while Greg probably did several Clive impersonations every month. Greg guessed Rory easily.

Colin walks in, has a heart attack, and comes back as a sheep. "No fair bringing Clive Anderson's date!" Colin dies again and comes back as a chicken, then as a snake and wiggles on the floor. "You're going to have to clean that up!"

Ryan walks in and is quickly in frozen alert mode. Body rigid straight. Hyper extended. Head up, ears pricked up. (Okay, I couldn't see his ears, but I bet they pricked up.) And eyes wide with alarm. It was perfect. A picture-perfect tableau of a deer-like animal in mid-stride, frozen in alarm, as it tries to determine whether the scent or sound was a danger. Ryan then decides the alarm wasn't a danger and unfreezes. Of course, Greg is totally flummoxed. He had been in the process of guessing Colin when Ryan started but was totally sidetracked by Ryan. Colin pops up off the floor, turning into an elephant. Greg guesses a menagerie of animals; Colin helps him out with the reincarnation aspect by conveniently dying again. Ah, now Greg's got the quirk.

Ryan has bounded across the stage to the snacks. Yes, bounded. Arms at his side. With his hands moving solely at the wrists as they swing forward and back as Ryan bounces across the stage. Then Ryan becomes alarmed again and freezes once more. Ryan's performance was superb. Unfortunately, the quirk itself was essentially unguessable. And Clive came to realize that the quirk was unguessable. So he asked Greg, "Do you think he could be a gazelle stalked by a lion?" And the game ended. I wouldn't be me, if I didn't add that Rory and Colin totally loved Ryan's performance in the background. Rory in particular was close to falling out his chair every time Ryan froze.

Hoe-down: being a Tory politician; all four
This Hoe-down game was more memorable for the actions proceeding and following it than for the songs themselves, I thought. Clive almost ended the show after Party Quirk, but looking at the clock, he realized that they had time for one more game. A Hoe-down! (Yes, I know it was an act, but it was an effective act.) Greg jumped from the chair level to the main floor totally bypassing the World's Worst step and clicking his heels mid-air to boot! There was one audience member who desperately wanted to work Tory politicians into some game during this show because he was shouting it during Home Shopping as well. He finally got his topic in for this Hoe-down. When Clive selected the topic, Ryan just looked at him with outstretched arms essentially saying; "I can't do that. I haven't got a clue what that means." So Clive expanded it to include Republicans "if you're scared". Greg's Hoe-down was about how he hated Tories, so he was going to vote liberal Democrat. Rory did a John Major impersonation complaining about how his party was so hated and how the "feel good" party of Tony Blair was coming in. Neither was especially funny. Colin started out saying how politicians confused him. Tories, Whigs, etc. By his third line, Colin was totally without anything to say and so he fainted. Colin's infamous for fainting, but it was still funny. It really caught Rory off guard. I'm sure he knew about Colin's fainting but I doubt he'd actually seen Colin do it in person. So he was laughing fairly hard. Ryan's song wasn't really about a political party at all but about how people would do anything for power; in fact, that's why Clive pulled out all his hair. As the guys are going back to their seats, it's obvious that Colin is very disappointed in himself for pulling the faint. I can barely make out what the guys are saying to him back at the seats. I think Ryan comments on how it's been a while since Colin had fainted. And then asks, "You couldn't think of anything?" To which, Colin very disgustedly shakes his head.

Credits: Rory = David Attenborough; Ryan, Colin, and Greg = animals in the background
By one point, Clive awards the show to Rory. As usual, all the others applaud the winner. Not so usually, Colin starts making this whooo sound sort of like a trumpet. I dunno why. He just did. Because the game was so close, the others are to play animals while Rory is David Attenborough. I didn't listen to what Rory said. I was watching the guys in the background. I think Colin was still mad at himself because he really didn't start to do anything. Greg went into a hamster-like thing (I'm guessing here. I really never knew what animals Greg was playing most of the time.) Ryan repeats his gazelle from Party Quirk. THAT gave Colin inspiration. He roared down the step and started eating the gazelle. First on the neck. Then he took a bite from Ryan's side. Unfortunately, they wandered out of camera range then. The next time we see Ryan and Colin, Ryan was a bird and Colin was his classic dinosaur complete with sound that overwhelmed Rory's reading. I still couldn't tell what Greg was. The final animals we saw were Ryan and Greg as gorillas. (Yee haw, I could figure out what Greg was!) I liked this credit reading. Although I wish the guys had stayed in camera range more.

Best Game:
Very tough decision here. Every game except Film Dub and Hoe-down are candidates this time. I'm going to go with Let's Make a Date. Mainly because all four were playing and all four were almost equal amounts of good. But if you disagree, I'm not going to quibble. (Of course, if you pick Film Dub or Hoe-down, we might have to talk!)

Overall Comments:
This episode might not make anyone's classic episode list. But it will probably go on several people's extraordinarily good list. It'll certainly go on mine, anyway. A winner all round.

© LKK 10/15/00