Cast: Greg Proops, Niall Ashdown, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, and Clive Anderson

Superheroes: crisis = shortage of tea bags; Greg = Super Spud Man; Ryan = Double Take Boy; Colin = Extinct Animal Boy; Niall = Extremely Nervous, Compulsive Liar Boy
As a game, Superheroes often descends into delightful anarchy, and this one seemed more chaotic than normal. It started off fairly quietly. An audience member suggested Custard Man first, but Clive disallowed it. Then Clive picked Super Spud Man for Greg and felt compelled to tell Greg that spud was a term for potato. I'm not sure how Greg kept quiet on that one. He certainly looked like he wanted to say something. The first crisis suggestion was "the butt was late." (Actually I think the suggestion was that the BUS was late. But Clive heard butt.) The idea thoroughly perplexed Clive. "How can your butt be late? It always comes right after you?" After a woman suggested shortage of tea bags for the world crisis, Clive responded with "Welcome to England, Mr. Proops. That counts as a crisis over here."

Greg started off with his back to the camera and saying that with the eyes in the back of his head he could tell that the world was out of tea bags. Ryan came on. He would have been there sooner, but his butt was late. After Greg dubbed him Double Take Boy, the descent into anarchy shifted into high gear. Ryan would say half a line then whip his head around, then say the rest of the line. After Colin popped in and Ryan named him, Colin took off in dinosaur mode — strutting and roaring around the stage. Ryan would whip his head and body around at every stimulus from either Greg or Colin. (You can see Niall off to the side laughing at them.) Chaos was well in control by then with more to come. When Niall gets his name, Extremely Nervous, Compulsive Liar Boy, he isn't just nervous. He's positively spastic. Jerking his whole body around as if every neuron in his body was misfiring simultaneously. Ryan's doing 10 double takes per second. Colin's roaring around the stage. And Greg's trying desperately to solve the world's crisis. Nothing made any sense. And it was fantastic. Somehow Niall got himself off the stage. (Not quite sure how, though. I think he went off to check on the tea bags he claimed to have stolen.) Then Colin delivers the game's best line. "Ooo! What extincts?" (Ryan had to work hard at not laughing.) Then Colin struts off to join the spotted owl and the dodo bird. Ryan leaves to check on his car. "It's double parked." And calm returned to the WL stage. Leaving our sensibilities battered, bruised, and thoroughly pleased with the chaos we just endured.

Secret: at the butchers; secret = hidden in the beef
the cut game. Oh, this was wrong. This was SO wrong. Words like betrayal, treason, sacrilege, and heresy cannot express the evil that is done whenever a game of Secret is cut. (Okay, I may be a little biased here. But it's my review, and I'll be biased if I want to.) I know we can listen to the audio from sound clips on the web, but I really wanted to see this one. Ryan uncovers photos of himself stuffed within the beef at Colin's butcher shop. It seems that Colin wants to have a Ryanechtomy so that he can become Ryan. Why does he want to be Ryan? After all, he owns the shop. He's the beef king. But being the beef king doesn't mean a thing, if Colin can't look out over the customers. Everything's ready for the operation. It only took the doctor three weeks to find the flamingo legs! Wouldn't you have loved to see Ryan's expression at that? Well, I would have. So what would I have given up to see this? Sorry, Niall. But just as paper covers rock, Secret beats Song Styles any day. So while Song Styles was good, it should have been the lamb sacrificed to American commercialism not Secret.

Song Styles: Niall sings to Mark the bank manager in the style of a love song
When Clive asked the audience if there was anyone who wanted a love song sung to them, there was a resounding silence in the auditorium. The silence was deafening. Finally, Clive saw two people pointing to each other. He asked them for a name, and Mark responded. Well, Clive was pointing to the woman next to him, but what the hey. What do you do, Mark? "I'm a bank managerish type kind of person". (Mark apparently doesn't know his own job function.) Niall promptly faints on the stage. When Richard starts up the love song music, it seemed very country westernish to me. Ryan and Colin liked it because they were dancing in their chairs and Ryan was waving his arm. Niall's lyrics were quite clever. Seems he had overdrawn his account. And Mark was willing to help with the problem if Niall would just do this one little thing for him............. All in all, a very good song. (But it still wasn't a game of Secret. All right, that wasn't fair; I admit.)

Sports Commentators: Ryan and Colin = flatmates late for work and sharing the bathroom; Greg and Niall = commentators
This was one of those games where the intro was so much better than the game itself that I'm going to reverse the order of the two and save the best for last. Greg introduced himself as Niall Ashdown. So taking the hint, Niall introduced himself as Greg Proops. But Niall managed to put about five syllables and eight different voice pitches into the words Proops distracting Greg and making him laugh. Ryan and Colin begin their battle by waking up. Ryan woke up slowly while Colin was quick off the mark and into the bathroom first, slamming the door on Ryan's face when he reached it. Greg and Niall made them replay that scene again. The second time around, Colin added a little Yes! Yes! arm pumping action to his movements. Ryan finally goes into the bathroom and started brushing his teeth while elbowing Colin in the face. Then while Ryan was putting on deodorant, Colin sliced him with the razor blade. After sewing himself up (with dental floss, I guess), Ryan attacked Colin's face and pants with shaving cream. Finally Ryan shoved a toilet paper roll up Colin's nose and started twisting it in. At least Niall said it was a toilet paper roll. Niall and Greg were difficult to understand. They kept talking over each other. Well, to be honest, Niall kept talking over Greg. And the few times I could make out what they were saying, I found myself wondering if they were watching the same mime that I was because there were times when my interpretation of Ryan and Colin's actions was quite different from theirs. Especially Niall's commentary. But on the whole, good silly fun was had by all.

If I don't seem to remember too much about the particulars of this game, it's probably because the intro overshadowed the game action. This intro contains some of the best Greg and Clive banter I've seen on the series. After explaining the scene, Clive says to Greg, "You do know what sport is, don't you?" To which Greg comes back with "Yes, and sometimes we beat the Germans." The entire audience boos Greg. And I think he realized that he'd just crossed the line from host abuse to host country abuse, so he tried to backtrack a little and came in with "because we never play them". But Clive wasn't ready to quit the fight so soon. I don't know if he genuinely didn't hear Greg or chose to ignore him, but Clive came back with "well in the war when you join in". Then as a peace offering, Clive adds, "I don't think the Germans play baseball, do they?" Greg: "I'd love to chat, but I'm a little busy doing an improv show." Clive: "Have you worked out what the simple words mean yet?" Greg: "Yes, I have Mr. A." Clive: "Jolly good." Now you'd think it would end there. But oh, no. Fortunately, Greg can't leave well enough alone. Greg: "Maybe you're confusing this with your other show where you just talk, talk, talk and never let anyone else." Clive: "Anytime you're ready." Greg: "I can't remember it now, it was flatmates getting ready in the bathroom?" Clive: "That's it. You're sports commentators." Greg: "Okay, no, I got that part." Clive: "Thank you for plugging my other show. Away you go." And finally we get to the action I described above. But I laughed much harder at the intro than I did at the game itself. I bet you did too.

Changing Emotions: in a log cabin; axe = angry; torch (flashlight) = touchy feely; Greg, Ryan, and Colin
Greg was holding the axe during Clive's intro. Colin was holding the torch until Clive got to the part about the torch representing touchy feely. After that, he promptly passed it to Ryan. Now, this may have been entirely for stage effect, but I suspect there was a small jibe about Ryan's tendency to be a very physically demonstrative performer in there as well. (It wouldn't be the first time, a player has teased Ryan about being touchy feely. Greg dubbed him that during an early Superheroes game, remember?) Greg started the scene angry about being stuck in the cabin with the others. Colin with Ryan leaning over his back, arm draped around the shoulder tried to calm him down. Ryan joined in by giving Greg a small caress on his cheek. Of course, Greg didn't calm down until he passed the axe over to Colin who started yelling that everyone had to work together because they only had enough food for five more days. Greg got the torch from Ryan and suddenly the electricity in the cabin went out. Greg turned on the torch (and to my complete and total surprise, it had batteries in it and lit up!) and tried to calm down Colin. Ryan figured they needed some firewood. Colin passed his the axe. "Oh, you want me to get some!!!! Why don't I just outside and chop some up now!!!!" And Ryan stomps out of the cabin. Leaving Greg a little unsure of where to take the scene since Ryan was "outside" now. So he turned to Colin and wondered what had gotten into Ryan. Colin: "I don't know." Greg: "Why don't we just snuggle?" Ryan stomps back in after chopping the wood, spies Greg and Colin, gets even angrier, then lights the fire. In total anger, Ryan swings the axe blade into Colin's chest who is now (not surprisingly) angry that he's just been hacked by an axe. Ryan in normal mode starts apologizing and after getting the torch, starts trying to wipe the blood off Colin's chest, legs, and crotch. Ryan: "You're bleeding! You're bleeding!" Greg gets hold of the axe briefly but somehow Greg and Ryan switch props. So Greg gives Ryan a hug. Ryan: "Don't touch me! Don't ever touch me again!" Colin seemed to be temporarily forgotten so he starts spewing blood and slowly collapsing to the floor. Ryan hands him the axe about the same time that Greg hands him the torch (the first time Colin ever got the torch). So Colin comes up with a touchy feely request delivered in total anger: "Before I die, just let me have one last shag!!!!!!!!" Good thing, Clive buzzed in right then because Ryan nearly lost it then.

Number of Words: a bank robbery; Greg = robber (1 word); Ryan = robber (2 words); Niall = bank teller (3 words); Colin = bank teller (5 words)
Just as he finishes the instructions, Clive warns the guys that he'll be counting the number of words they're using. I don't know if that's what inspired Colin or not, but Colin starts the game by counting money. "One, two, three, four, five." Very fast (and very funny). "One, two, three, four, five." Well, if you're going to steal, steal from the best. So Niall starts counting his money too. "One, two, three." Very slow. Ryan and Greg come in to steal the money. Limiting a verbal person to one word only is very cruel. And Greg had great difficulties with his restriction. But Ryan did quite well with his two-word limit. "Withdrawal, please." When Colin ran out of words "Do you want small bills...." "Big Bills!" In addition to his opening counting line, Colin got in the game's other clever line when he had to respond to something (sorry, I can't remember what just now), he came out "Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!" Colin pulled out an even bigger gun to use against the bank robbers. But Ryan pointed out the he couldn't use it because Colin was behind the bulletproof glass. So Niall just made the glass slide away clearing the path for Colin's gun. That's when the scene ended. Some advice to Ryan and Greg: don't become bank tellers. You weren't the most inept ones I've ever seen. But you're no great danger to the banking industry either. Stick to improv.

Director: scene from Star Wars; Colin = director; Ryan and Greg = actors [styles: extremely paranoid; emphasize every other word; constipated; constipated strippers who emphasize every other word]
Ryan picked the scene between Luke and Darth Vader where Vader reveals that he was Luke's father. Ryan gave himself the Luke role so Greg took the Vader role complete with breathing sounds. After "Luke" lost his hand, Colin bursts in announcing that the scene was "Crap, crap, crap. I want to make a classic!". Ryan tried to explain but was promptly told to shut up. "Do the scene as if you're paranoid. Because they're in space. I don't know what's in space, do you? Action." So Ryan and Greg start over playing the scene over very scared. "Cut!!! That was my fault! Shut up!" (to Ryan again). "I know. Emphasize every other word. EMPHASIZE every OTHER word. Action." "YOU are NOT my FATHER!" "I am YOUR father." VERY sing SONG. EVEN the SOUND effects WERE sing SONG. "Cut!!!!!" Colin runs on again. "Shut up" (to Ryan again). (Niall is having a grand time laughing at Colin in the background. And Clive laughter is extremely noticeable too.) "I know what I'm doing. I won an award. Do it as if you're constipated. Because you know in space, well I don't have to explain it." So the guys try again. "Cut!" Ryan: "I almost had it. I felt it was coming." Colin: "Did you? I could tell. But could you just add this on top of it. Do it as strippers. Constipated strippers who emphasize every other word. I would tell you how to do. But just let the magic weave itself........... Action!" And Ryan and Greg are repeating the lines again. Ryan's lightsaber has moved southward from his waistline. Greg seems to have found a pole to dance around. Every OTHER word IS emphasized. Meanwhile their faces look as if they're in pain. And the hilarity finally draws to a close.

Bartender: Niall = bartender; Greg = celebrating losing his virginity in Spain
Although this wasn't one of Greg's best bartender songs musically (he tried to sing a little beyond his range), what it lacked musically it more than made up for in some of the best lyrics Greg has ever done. It was also fairly long for a bartender song since he took two verses to tell his story rather than the usual one verse. Greg had decided that he was going to lose his virginity the previous night. So he took a senorita back to his hotel room. She was beguiling. And when he was finished she was smiling. Then he took off her "something". (Sorry, but my Spanish is lousy. I'm assuming it was Spanish for a veil or headdress.) And discovered that she was television presenter Clive Anderson. (Clive: "Ah, yes. I remember it well.") Greg was certain that it was Clive because his head glowed. Well, if Greg slammed Clive good; Niall got retribution in Clive's honor. Niall's response to Greg. "Don't worry about the fact that your plan failed. When you look like you do...... You've got to get it where you can.

Credits: Niall = many accents as possible
While Niall was doing his accents from around the world trick, my eyes drifted over to Colin and stuck. For some reason, watching Colin was like watching someone watch a tennis match. He would look at the monitor then look at Niall then the monitor then Niall. Back and forth with astounding regularity. You could almost set a clock by the rhythm. It was hypnotic. Weird.

Best Game:
Oh boy. Almost all of the games were of such high caliber that's there really is no way to objectively pick one. (Even the ones that weren't at the tiptop were very good.) So I'm going to subjectively pick... uh... hmm... trying to decide.... Director... no, Changing Emotions.... Um... Back to Director. And I'll stay here just because I have to. But ask me again tomorrow. And I'll probably say something else.

Overall Comments:
WOW! Give me back my Secret and you'll have a supercallifagilisoutis (whatever that word is from Mary Poppins) type of show. It's a winner from Superheroes all the way through to Bartender. Keep this one near the edge of the video shelf so you can get to it easily.

© LKK 10/30/00