Cast: Josie Lawrence, Stephen Fry, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, and Clive Anderson

Questions Only: scenes from ancient Rome; all four
Josie and Stephen started out the game. Josie asked the first question and Stephen promptly responded in Latin. I'm assuming he responded with a question, but hey, am I a Latin scholar??? After about three responses, Stephen switched over to English, and his question threw Josie out of the game. Colin came in asking about a chariot race. Stephen's began his question well, "What's a chariot race" but then tried to build on the question (something about Charles Boyd getting dragged behind) and got horribly confused. Questions Only is not a game for complicated sentence structure, and Stephen was trying to be too clever by half. As Clive buzzed Stephen out, he pointed out that Stephen was doing better in Latin. Ryan came on asking Colin if he had ordered a pizza. (I didn't realize pizza had been around that long.) Colin: Didn't I order the food of the gods? Ryan: What would that be? Colin: Didn't I order grapes? (Um, the food of the gods was ambrosia, Colin.) Ryan: Wouldn't you like pepperoni? Colin: What's pepperoni? Gotcha, Ryan! Ryan: I don't know. But now it was Stephen's turn to catch Colin. Stephen: Et tu, brute? They shook hands. And then in that small voice of his, Colin went "yea" and walked off. Josie came on and tripped up Stephen, but I don't remember how now. When Ryan came down, Josie looked at him very seductive. Josie: Would you like to have a statue erected to you? Ryan: What do you mean by erected? You know, Josie, if you give Ryan an opening like that, expect to have to respond to something. But she couldn't. Colin: What have you done with my family? Ryan: That was your family? Colin: Whose family would it have been? Ryan: Did you love your mother? Colin: Don't tell me you stoned her? Clive disallowed that because he felt it was more of a comment than a question, but Ryan thought he'd been buzzed out. Eventually, it was all sorted out leaving Josie and Stephen on stage. Josie thought she'd match scholarship wits with Stephen and asked if he was going to the Parthenon tonight. Small problem. The Parthenon is in Athens. Which Stephen felt compelled to tell her but instead of making a real question out of it, he bizarrely directed his comments to Clive saying something like would you please tell her that the Parthenon is in Athens. Clive buzzed him out, and you could tell that Josie felt about 6 inches tall right then. She recovered when Ryan walked in asking him something about the Parthenon in Athens. Never one to let a person off easily, Ryan looked at her and asked: Would you like a map? All in all, it was a strange game of Questions Only, not a classic one but still enjoyable.

Film and Theater Styles: Josie = highjacker; Stephen = pilot [styles: Prisoner; Bill and Ben; WWII movie; Dynasty]
The game opened with Stephen at the controls and Josie knocking on the cabin door asking if she could visit Stephen's COCKpit. (I can't decide if Stephen didn't pick up on the innuendo or just chose to ignore it.) Then Josie slowly slipped into her old lunatic bag lady voice by the time she got around to asking if Stephen wouldn't mind flying them to Cuba or she'd shoot him. At which point, Stephen turned the game on its ear by responding: "You do realize this is a simulator, don't you?" Ryan and Colin were laughing and applauding. Clive was buzzing. And Josie was flummoxed. In came the Prisoner style. Josie started apologizing because this was her first time. Stephen pointed out that everyone had to have a first time, and he was usually the bitch who gave it to them. So she had to submit to the discipline and have strange things inserted into her. I don't think Josie knew quite how to respond to that speech. I suspect Clive thought the same thing because he buzzed in with Bill and Ben. I don't know what Bill and Ben is / are. Josie started making whooping sounds. Stephen didn't know what to do, really. And when the style ended, I still didn't know what Bill and Ben is / are. (The whole thing reminded me of Josie and Paul Merton doing the Clangers in one of their Film and Theater Styles scenes.) In came the WWII movie style, which I think Clive just threw in because I don't remember it being yelled out. Stephen wrapped his hands around his eyes like goggles and started making airplane engine noises. And kept making airplane noises. And kept making airplane noises. And kept making airplanes noises. And kept making airplane noises. And if you got annoyed reading that, you'll know how Josie felt by the end of the style, asking him to please stop going off like that. While Clive was buzzing in, Stephen finally stopped making airplane noises and mentioned that the Gestapo had glued his hands to his face. (Ryan liked that one a lot.) When Clive announces the final style, Dynasty, we got into what turned out to be my favorite bit from the game. Stephen asked if Clive meant "Din"asty or "Dine"asty (pronouncing the word both the English and American ways). Clive said Stephen could pick whichever he wanted. But Stephen pointed out that it made a difference because he could do both. So Clive said use "Din"asty (English). Stephen started to and then commented. "That's the one I can't do." Josie started acting VERY badly using grade school age acting hand motions. (Joan Collins was never that bad.) Then Stephen ripped out her shoulder pads (very nice touch), shook her, and said "You're a Colby!!!!" ending the scene. Question: I rarely watched Dynasty. Was there a character in it called, "Pareclaine"? That's what Stephen called Josie but I don't remember the name.

Sound Effects: looking for thrills at the fairground
I liked this Sound Effects. It was different from the usual ones Ryan and Colin do. Colin's walking around when he hears the fairground music; so he buys a ticket and enters. He wanders over to a shooting gallery booth, picks up a gun, and fires it. POP! Whaa??? Colin tries again. POP, POP! Tries once more. PSHCUOO!! Colin is very pleased and fires again. This time shooting something / someone in the distance. So he surreptitiously wipes off his fingerprints and sneaks away. He spies an elephant and climbs on for a ride. While lumbering around, the elephant's trunk gets a little frisky with Colin, so Colin hops down, picks up the elephant, swings it around over his head, and tosses him away. (Colin has clearly been working out.) Next he decides to ride a roller coaster. The car climbs to the top of the first high hill (so high that Colin gets a nosebleed) and zooms down the slope. Over the smaller hills; around the curves, and back up to the top of another high hill. And stops. After a bit, Colin gets out and starts walking / running around the rest of the coaster track. Finally, coming to a nice safe stop. Only to hear the car zooming up behind him so Colin starts off running again. Clive said he really enjoyed the scene even though he couldn't figure out what Colin was doing. Stephen was definitely enjoying the game in the background and especially liked Ryan's popping sounds when Colin first started shooting.

Number of Words: Romeo and Juliet; Ryan = Romeo (3 words); Josie = Juliet (4); Stephen = Juliet's father (6); Colin = Juliet's mother (2)
Another game I particularly liked. Ryan, Josie, and Colin were all very comfortable with their word limitations (experience helps a lot here I guess). Stephen was very uncomfortable with speaking only in six word sentences. But he made every effort to keep to his limitation by counting on his fingers. The funny part was that he always tried to give his hands something to do while he was counting. Ryan and Josie started the scene by proclaiming their love for each other. Then Stephen comes in with his first line. "Once a Monteague, always a Monteague."¹ (Forgive my spelling. I don't have my copy of the play with me.) Each word was pounded unto Josie's chest by a different finger so that Stephen could count the number of words while he was speaking. Ryan and Josie proclaim their love again; this time in front of Stephen and Colin. Stephen found another way to make sure he had six words. "You love Romeo?! You love Romeo?!" The lovers declare they'll kill themselves. "Kill yourself? Kill yourself? Kill yourself?" Colin tells Ryan to "Go ahead" and kill himself. Ryan: Do you dare? Colin: I dare. Stephen: I'm going to count to six. Josie and Ryan agree to kill themselves and discuss drinking the poison. Meanwhile Stephen has outstretched his arm, points to Josie, and in a very angry father voice starts counting between Ryan and Josie's lines. One. Two. Three. (Each line counted off by a finger.) At three, Josie drinks the poison. Stephen: Oh my god. (Fingers four, five, and six.) Josie delivers her final words and collapses into Ryan who lowers her to the ground. Ryan: She's dead. Dead! Colin: My daughter! Stephen: Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Scene ends. (Colin very politely helps Josie to her feet.) I should mention that every time Stephen counted off his lines, you could hear Clive laughing very hard. Partly because Stephen was obviously using his fingers. And partly because Stephen was also trying hard to work his finger counting into the action.

Props: Ryan and Colin = long, orange material shaped like a tongue; Stephen and Josie = 2 sets of 2 long bendy poles each connected together
Stephen and Josie's long bendy poles were life-sized foam poles that could be attached by a connector. They're actually pieces from a toy where children can build life-sized tents, cabins, ships, whatever. My niece and nephew have some. They're cool. Josie used one to ride as a ski-lift chair. Stephen used one for floss. (He mentioned a person's name that meant something to the audience but I could never understand him.²) Josie made a nipple ring out of one. And turning a pair into horns, Stephen asked Josie if she'd seen his wife.

Ryan and Colin had some material that was long (longer than Colin is tall) with one end curved. Colin started out as a dog with his tongue hanging out. Ryan did the predictable "Look at her!" with his tongue falling out. Since the material was red / orange, Ryan draped it over his head. Colin: Fergie! Ryan complained that it never failed. Just when the good waves come in, his surfboard goes limp. (huh?) My second best favorite. Colin wearing it like a hat: Santa the elves are going on strike. And my favorite. Ryan wearing it like a shawl turns into a pterodactyl while Colin becomes a T-rex. Yes, two very traditional impersonations from them. But I was surprised they even thought of it. So was Clive. When Colin starts roaring around the stage, you can hear Clive exclaim, "I don't believe it!" When Colin turned and looked at him, Clive said "No, I'm sorry." I'm not sure whom he apologized to, but I think it was Colin because Colin looked sort of sheepish afterwards.

Let's Make a Date: Josie = contestant; Stephen = trendy vicar; Colin = hates everything English; Ryan = eating a tremendously hot curry
Josie began by asking Stephen if he could invent something, what would it be? In a very nice bit of acting, Stephen's whole face changed. It got longer and narrower. He started looking through half-shut eyes. His voice became more nasal. In short, he became the picture of a tall, thin English cleric. (If you've ever seen Man from Uncle, he reminded me a lot of the actor who played Mr. Waverly.) First off, Stephen told Josie to call him Dick — the sort of thing a "trendy" pastor might do. Stephen then said he'd invent a sharing outreach program. Josie asked Colin the same question. Colin wanted to invent something to get rid of the word "aluminium" and oregano (pronounced the English way). Why can't people just talk normally???? And why was everything so old!!!!! After swallowing his food and between breaths of fire, Ryan said he'd invent something that would take water straight from the tap and put it directly into the mouth. Then his stomach started making these ominous rumbling sounds.

Stephen had some difficulties at first working around Josie's second question. What are you currently reading, and why do you like it? Of course, the obvious answer would have given the quirk away completely. He finally got around it by saying that the book was about a friend of his and someone who could be a friend of Josie's if she'd let him. His friend was sort of like a gangster rapper. Out among the children; a pusher. But a pusher of love and sharing. Colin certainly wasn't going to read any books by Jane Austin. Or ones with doggie detectives in them. (I didn't get that reference.³) And they all drank tea in those books! What was it with tea! Colin's passed stronger urine samples than tea! Coffee, there's a drink! Colin needs one right now. Ryan was reading a first aid manual. At which point, the portents foretold by the stomach rumblings come true and Ryan breaks wind so acidly that Colin's eyes start watering and even the vicar notices.

With a little fine-tuning from Clive, Josie manages to guess that Stephen is a trendy vicar. I think she called him a new-age Christian minister, actually. Josie thought Colin was just being himself and hating old things. She was quite surprised that he hated everything English. Josie got Ryan spot on (to use one of Clive's phrases). He had just eaten something very hot. But then she took it one delightful step further. "Ryan has just eaten something very hot and pooed himself?" The phrase so amused and surprised Ryan that you can hear him repeat it after putting up his chair, "I pooed myself????"

Newsflash: Ryan and Colin = anchors; Stephen = field reporter in front of footage of King Kong
The cut game. Do I or don't I want to see this? Well, the obvious answer is yes, I would have liked to seen this. But I'm not sure what I would have traded in order to see it. Hmm. Still debating.

Hoe-down: marital problems; all four
Clive announced this topic instead of getting it from the audience. It's not first the time that's happened, but it is rare and tends to happen when one of the guests is not a regular performer. Josie sang how she and her husband went to a female marriage counselor (didn't quite make the words fit the rhythm which is unusual for her). And now Josie lives with her instead. Stephen didn't attempt to sing. Or match the words to the beat. And the fact that he didn't or couldn't became part of the song. Music and sex. He just couldn't make either one happen. He'd searched around; had been to every branch of some shop.⁴ (Stephen named it, but it didn't mean anything to me.) In fact, the only time he could make music or sex work was with Richard Vranch. This may have been the first time that Richard was slammed in a hoe-down song. Colin was a great blue whale whose wife's comments about her former boyfriend really made him sick. After all, how could he compare with a guy named Moby Dick. (Stephen and Ryan really liked that one.) Ryan's wife was from the south and was always sputterin' but what can you expect when you marry your sister's brother's cousin? On the whole, the hoe-downs were pretty good.

Credits: Stephen = reporter at the opening night of the opera when things start going wrong; Ryan, Colin, and Josie = opera stars
After Stephen stepped down to begin the credits, Ryan looked like he had to ask the others what they were supposed to do again. When they came down, Josie started doing vocal warm ups while Stephen was announcing the arrival of Clive Anderson and Dame Richard Vranch. Ryan put his hands to his head to indicate horns and he started doing warm ups too. Stephen cleverly commented that it looked like one of the characters from Wagner had arrived which was odd because they were doing Verdi tonight. Meanwhile, Colin started his warm ups, smoking a cigarette, and ACKing ACKing all over the place. For some bizarre reason, known only to Stephen, Josie's epiglottis escaped and rolled away. WHA??? I liked this credits reading even though it was a four person reading.

Best Game:
Let's Make a Date. I thought all four were strong in this game. It wasn't a run away winner though. All the games were of similar caliber. I just think that all four here were on the same playing field, and so the game was a little more even than the others were. I do have warm spots for moments in Questions Only, Number of Words, and Props. So if you want to argue with my choice, I fully understand.

Overall Comments:
I didn't think this was a classic episode. I do think it was amusing if not hilarious. Stephen brought a different perspective on things. It would have nice to see Stephen interact with Ryan and Colin a little more. He really only got to act with Colin in Questions Only. In Number of Words, most of his acting was directed towards Josie. (And for that reason, Newsflash would have been nice to see.) As it was, the episode played a little like the English versus the Americans (as Clive constantly calls Ryan and Colin.) But still, I'd recommend watching this show every so often.

© LKK 11/05/00

© LKK 08/17/02