April/May 2003

School newspapers. Are they really gay?

YES, yes, oh my God, yes. And the editors are gay too. And their articles are gay. They have gay leads. Gay conclusions. Gay reporting. A veritable haven for homosexuality.

I complain because the first sentence in the April-May issue was: "High school dances, are they really all that great?"

I fear that I don't connect with my people (my generation) because I don't go to school dances and don't know who Sandy Olssen or Rizzo are. I'm all alone in this world, and I never saw Bayside High, whatever that is or was. This first article seems to go for the MOST REFERENCES TO STUPID SHIT award. What on Earth is "Pretty in Pink"? What the hell about "Carrie"? What does "Jake Ryan" have to do with your purple underwear, what? I underlined and put a question mark next to "Mrs. Slobin" too because, even though I do know who she is, YOU don't. You would read it, scratch your head, and laugh at me because you don't have to attend this stupid school for another year.

I don't understand this article. She asks, "Who cares if prom ends up being a total bust?" Shouldn't she? After all, she did say that she spent a lot of time planning for it and caring about it. And in her last sentence, she muses that maybe, perhaps, if the fat lady doesn't fall over, there possibly could be just the slightest chance that the "imperfections and little mishaps" create the interesting life. Why the doubt, nitwit? Can't remember that the rest of the article attempted to prove (in an absurdly roundabout manner) exactly that?

Also, the title was annoying.

The following article's title was funny. "End of innocence," about the end of high school. Means what I think it means? College = sex, babycakes! Bum-sex, even!

Basically, this article was about what a waste of time this article is. I wholeheartedly agree. She spends most of her first column repeatedly saying "time goes by us" and "don't waste time." She stole a Benjamin Franklin adage without credit. She keeps going on and on (the little clock that never stops ticking and tocking), even after having already "nicely sum[ed] up her [pointless] point."

Later on, she says that she wants to use her body as a "piece of paper." Any takers? Please contact me for more information.

The next article's opening lines: "Best friend. These are the two words I associate with my mother."

My lines: "No one gives a flying fuck, you moron." (And if words can't describe your mother, why bother trying?)

Next article. The second paragraph of this one made me laugh. She quoted from a GB speech that announced the start of the war with Iraq, and then she said that the speech continued onwards, telling Americans that the US has indeed begun the war with Iraq. Repetitious redundancy, eh? Another amusing aspect of this article is that the author seems to think that it's new news. Oh, my gosh! War! A few days ago, the sugar factory's closure made national news. Again. The factory actually closed about six months ago, way back in December. It seems that some reporter created an article that presented the closure as new news, when it was anything but. The student author seems to be precocious in at least her misrepresentations.

On top of her obvious ignorance, she has the gall to inform us that she doesn't even care about the war herself, saying that she changes the channel to "MTV" (for Pete's sake. MTV. My God) whenever a news flash about Iraq shows up. Pots and kettles, this entire article, telling us teens to open our eyes and ears, when she herself is utterly ignorant.

And the next article is another one about the war (arr). Stupid Texan ignorant queers. I've yet to read a single anti-war or even should-we-war article in this paper. Everything is blind patriotism. Blind, stupid patriotism. I'm not saying that all of the arguments for the war are idiotic, but the kids who write for The Legend seem to know only the most obviously pointless, juvenile justifications. No research at all. What really makes us superior teenagers chortle at the idea of the existence of this particular little moron is that he doesn't bother with real arguments. No, he shuffles his one real argument into a weak little rhetorical question and then proceeds to rely on our acceptance of his ad hominem stupidity to buy his stance. (And if you're going to make fun of someone's intelligence, like he does, never make yourself appear stupid, like he does. At least Barbara is rich and... like... rich.) He later says that he's not trying to make the Famous War Protestors appear wrong. What the hell else is a pro-war article supposed to do? Agh! Double-speak! This kid writes like a baboon. He keeps writing that he's not saying something when he really is saying exactly that. Ramblingly moronic too, he argues for you (whom he admits he does not know) to follow a more enlightened source if you can't come up with your own opinion. But if you can come up with your own opinion, you are unarguably correct. This is enough for me to kick Rick Perry out on his ass and elect me a heavy weight champion as my governor!

Quote: "Anyone that thinks that Bush has the lowest IQ ever of a president is sorely mistaken." Yeah! Because Bush, Senior, has the lowest IQ! (I kid you not. I heard it on NPR once.) And, apparently, the reason that Colin Powell is so intelligent is that he constantly receives intelligence from the CIA and other intelligence gathering administrations. Oh, guffaw!

In the article about the farm road on which we must traverse to reach the school, the authors were rather inadvertently amusing. They went so far as to specify that it was a dump truck that killed the kid in '99. What a way to die. Later, the article argues that the additional death of a student or of an "innocent person" shouldn't be needed to widen the road. What, the students at the school aren't "innocent"? The last sentence was quirky. I approve highly. Also, yes, jeez, that road needs to be widened.

I wish that Eric Wendel, artist apparently extraordinaire, wrote his own biography. His quotations seem coherent, intelligent, and knowledgeable, three qualities that the newspaper reporters never seem to be able to muster. It's no wonder that the author is self-deprecating, implying that she knows nothing about art. The style annoys because she attempts to soften the blow of her ignorance by including the audience in her wah-I'm-a-nitwit comments. I protest. I, for one, am not just along for Eric Wendel's ride! His car sucks. (I assume. I don't know the kid. Does his car suck, fellow "Bulldogs"?)

They should have let Rookie Teacher of the Year Melinda Sloan, my US history teacher, write her own article too. This article made little sense. (Do they ever?) As usual, the introductions of quotations always repeat what the quotations themselves say. In one particular instance, while I'm sure that Ms. Sloan said something coherent, the way the quotation reads, it seems as though she said that while she didn't expect for her AP students to spit on her and throw desks, she did have high expectations. Or something like that.

And what's all this tripe about "happy and horrible high school times"? Here's an h-word: HUH? I'm tired of people, students and teachers, acting as if high school is the apex of our pitiful little lives, something amazing and sweet and wonderful. Tender. Emotional. Tear. Fist in your vapid face, author.

And here is the usual I'm-too-stupid-to-spell-embarrassed article.

This next article convinces us that the girl is a moron. This article and people like her are the reason I'm not going to UT. (Just kidding!) I wasn't aware that going to law school takes a century. I thought it only took three years! I'm so glad to hear, by the way, that there are much more exciting social events than clubbing in college. This girl says it'll be a social frenzy. Knowing Austin, I'd say beer, beer, beer. Yum, yum. I'm so glad that I won't have to see this girl ever again. So glad I won't have to see any of the seniors ever again! Uh, I mean, congratulations! See the rest of you next year.

Don't like what I write? Express yourself, like this anonymous angry wombat! (See if you can figure out the irony of the site!)

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