December 2002

My school sure loves its band. Ah. The marching band. They are the jocks of our school, and the dance team (called the "Angels") are the beautiful queens. Our football team is lacking, but the band, which is "awesome," surely makes up for it. As band members are fond of boasting, the band is the only club at our school that "ever wins anything." Go them! Anyway, we all worship the band at my school, and if we are not in band (I am not in band), we wish we were (this is a lie. But it is a lie that band members believe with all their hearts). Band members are actually like cult members, and the rest of us are frightened into silence. We dare say nothing bad about our band or its members. They lord. They rule. And they graced the cover of the December issue of The Legend.

Okay, I'll give the newspaper this one. The band did get fifth in some national competition in Indianapolis. That was big news. The cover page article was found on page five. Now, all of the blue circles I made as I read the article through. Most were typos. Every single article had typos. I believe that neither the reporter nor the editor ever actually reread the articles, since these typos were STUPID typos. I can't forgive them. These people are guaranteed readers for their columns, and they don't seem to care enough to even check for typos.

And the content itself was lacking. That the band received fifth was huge news for the school, and trust me, every single student had been hearing about it ad nauseam for the last few weeks. The reporter takes two hundred words to inform us of this fact, which we already knew, and the fact that the band and dance team, get this, WORKED HARD. Whoa. (Tell us something we didn't know.) There were five typos in this article. (There are none on this page. This page that no one will see.)

The other band/Angels-related article was about the Teacher-of-the-Year Award, which went to, remarkably, the dance teacher. I hate even calling her a "teacher." Why the hell didn't a math or English teacher, you know, a REAL teacher, get the award? Ahh.. forget it. At least it wasn't the football coach (although I think he was nominated). This article had three typos or grammar errors.

The first two or three pages of the newspaper are reserved for "editorials." I have only one thing to say. Hey, kids: Shut the hell up, and get a BLOG, retards.

The first article, titled "I find this happy", was a list of things that makes some high school retard happy. Stupid things. Things that shouldn't be printed in a paper intended for an entire high school, things like "Inside jokes with friends: 'And I had.. nothing to wear' " or "Visiting Mamaw at 'the lake.' " I don't even know if "Mamaw" is a typo. But this girl had a lot of typos. She had eight, in this one tiny little article. And she mixed pronouns, interchanging "who" and "I" freely. And she said that she wanted to be nice to other people, and to do this, she listed a bunch of boring crap that only SHE thinks is funny. And she had the gall to say, "You know you got a kick out of it." Loser.

The second article was also a list, only this time of stupid quotations from dumb songs. Fully three-fourths of it were stupid quotations. They're too stupid to type again. And who the hell would think anything but "I want to kick some ass" is the best line in Stroke 9's "Kick Some Ass." And, yes, she did have to write "Kick Some A**" with the asterisks. Loser. She had eight typos. Double loser.

Next, was an article that featured a road trip about which no one cares. There were six typos. And the girl said that road trips are "the epitome of all that is glorious and free." NO. Later on in her pointless article, she lists "the whole gamut" of musicians to whom she listened while on the trip. A gamut that runs all the way from Something Corporate to Avril Canada. Whoooaaa. Why doesn't her "gamut" include Beethoven? Led Zeppelin? She paid for an Avril CD? She should die. Conclusion: Too bad she didn't die on her stupid road trip.

Okay, the next article was about Easy Cheese, which is apparently cheese in a can. The entire article was a description about this girl's obsession with cheese in a can. What the hell. Two things - 1. Get a life. 2. Shut the hell up. Also, this girl probably uses the cheese to comfort her for her "hair issues." Look at the article.

The final editorial (thank God) was about Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman. It was supposed to be humorous. The Santa bit (which was most of the article) was unfunny and trite. This kid obviously wrote the article the night before it was due. Frosty the Snowman was amusing, the Nestea joke was good, but the problem is that the article was a stream of consciousness. I think he intended the article to be entirely about his Santa complex, but then he ran out of ideas with a hundred words left to write, so he threw in Frosty. Tsk, tsk. However, this kid did have the fewest typos out of all of the editorials, at five. But he's still a loser because he's on the newspaper staff.

I am not going to discuss every article, just the really crappy ones. And a really crappy one, written by an Evil Fem-Nazi, is on page six. Another article about girls asserting their equivalence to or possible superiority (giggle) over males. Yawn. Look, I have a vagina, but I was not enthralled. I mean, YAWN. If I were male, I would slap this girl silly. How dare she presume that her gender is better than the other, when she is the sort of person for whom feminism was wasted. To complain specifically about her (lack of) writing skills, she frequently uses terms and refers to people that aren't well-known. She calls a girl a "Rambo." What the hell is that? (Yeah, I get it, from the movie. But it's a stupid allusion.) And she refers to some kid "Josh," whoever that is. And she basically says that men are scum. There is no warrant! No proof! Women are stupid and make dumb claims! Want proof? Look at this article! I want to get a penis-transplant, I think.

This entire issue was supposed to reflect the "kids of the Eighties" (which is supposed to explain the scary pictures of the editors). Now, remember, the kids who are in my high school were born between 1985 and 1989, which means that the majority of them do NOT remember the Eighties. We aren't the children of the Eighties. But the newspaper seemed to need a "theme." Every issue has to have a "theme." All of the "themes" suck. This one really sucked. This article is these retards' attempt at nostalgia. I wish I hadn't read it. A few points:
1. NONE of us witnessed the birth of MTV. That was in 1980. The eldest of us were born in 1985 or '84.
2. Shrek was NOT a controversial movie. (Check the article, she really says it is.)
3. Shut the hell up.

I'll tell you what's embarrassing. Misspelling "embarrassing" in your TITLE. Jesus.

On page fifteen were band interviews. I'm not going to post them. They sucked. And they made me feel rejected because the newspaper would never interview my band. But you can go to my band's site by clicking here.

There were six articles about sports that I am also not going to post. They were all dumb, and I didn't read them.

This article won the typo contest with NINETEEN typos in an article that was only about 250 words long. Nineteen! And it was a stupid article, about some dumb trip the girl took this summer. And she didn't say that "I took a trip this summer." She said "Jane Name took a trip this summer." Take a look. I hate this girl, whoever she is. The winner of the stupidest article is this editorial. It's the one with the song titles.

In conclusion, my school sucks and its newspaper is worthless.

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