Harley-Davidson In Heaven

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson MotorCycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the Pearley Gates, St. Peter greets him and welcomes him by saying "You've been such a good guy and your Motorcycles have changed the world". As a reward you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want to.

Davidson thinks for a moment and says "I wanna hang out with God." St. Peter takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to "The Big Guy."

The first thing Arthur says is " Did you invent woman?" God replies "Yes I did"!

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws with your invention,
1. There is too much front end protrusion on some models
2. It chatters at high speed
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmmm....." replies God, " hold on". God goes to his Celestial Supercomputer, and types in a few key strokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, but according to my computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

LIMERICKS from the Land Down Under

T`was breakfast time in the Manor,
called the Butler so stately and stout,
Ma came down with the piss pot,
and Pa with his prick hanging out.
Manners dear children said Father,
have always been our great boast.
Manners, be fucked said young Peter
and pulled himself off on the toast.

There once was a man from Bombay,
who thought syphillis just went away,
And now he has tabbies,
And saber thin scabies,
And thinks he`s "Queen of the May".

There once was a man from Belgrave
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
He said I`ll admit I`m a bit of a shit
but look at the money I save.

Dysfunctional People

1. You take 40 milligrams or more of Valium per day.
2. You haven't earned any money in eight months.
3. It's not uncommon to drink a fifth of 80 proof every 24 hours.
4. You wake up in a trash dumpster, and can't get out.
5. A police officer asks you if you've been drinking, and you say yes.
6. You can't figure out why 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
7. You spend more than 5 hours per day staring at a monitor.
8. You know what a 'cubicle' is, and you're in one.
9. Your total daily diet consists of food that you eat while you drive.
10. Your 'significant other' shot themself in the head.
11. You've been taking Prozac and Zanax daily for nine months.
12. You sleep irregular hours and you have many dirty dishes in the sink.
13. You talk to bums, and you can relate to them.
14. And then, you give them a couple bucks, even though you're nearly broke.
15. That fat person in the corner doesn't look half bad.
16. You were born between 1954 and 1961.
17. You know what 'blotter', 'windowpane' or 'microdot' is.
18. Things in your right rear view mirror appear larger than they really are.
19. You order a Big Mac, Large Fries, and a Diet Coke.
20. You have a wife, a mistress, a babysitter, and you're doing all of them.
21. You think you might go to Heaven or Hell, but don't realize that you're already there.
22. You believe that half of all people are below normal, and you're not one of them.
23. You truly believe that you're a good driver.
24. You have to go meet someone, but you have to put Visine in your eyes first.
25. You ask the grocery clerk "Where is the water bottled"? "Where is the Bran Raisin"?
26. You didn't brush your teeth... for three days.
27. And finally, you know you're truly twisted if you forward this list to a friend.

The Hammer

The judge was presiding over a viscious murder case and the defendant was in the dock being interrogated by the prosecution; "You have been charged with the viscious murder of your wife by slamming her 40 times in the head with a hammer."

"BASTARD!" yelled a voice from the back of the court.

With that the judge slammed down his gavel and warned the voice to shut up. The prosecutor went on and said "You have also been charged with the murder of your daughter by slamming her fifty times in the head with a hammer!

"BASTARD!" yelled the voice from the back of the court again

"I warned you" said the Judge, "you`ll now have to leave the courtroom."

"Yes, well I have lived next door to the defendant for 20 years and every time I asked him if he could lend me a hammer -- he said he didn`t have one!"

Herm the Sperm

Herm the sperm was determined he was going to fertilize an egg. He knew he only had a one in a million chance so he worked out all the time. He was constantly swimming laps even while the other sperms were just hanging out.

The other sperms used to tease him about his wasted efforts. "Hey Herm, you're wasting your time.", they would tell him, "You'll never be the first one there. Then you'll have wasted your whole life training while we were enjoying ourselves."

But Herm just kept on working out. "I'll be first. You'll see.", he'd tell them.

Finally the time came, the time for Herm to run the race. He got lined up right in front. He had a clear lane in front of him and he just knew he was going to win. The excitement level was high as everyone anticipated the starting gun.

About the time the gun went off Herm heard someone holler,

"Wait Herm, come back! It's a blow job!"

Little Tim

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Viva Las Vegas

The pope is on his way to Las Vegas. While boarding the plane, a stewardess says: "Hello Mr. Presley, it is a pleasure to see you!"

The pope replies: "Sorry my child, but I'm not Elvis!"

Later, as the Pope arrives and gets into his limo, the driver says: "Good evening Mr. Presley!"

The pope replies: "My son, I am not Elvis!"

So even later, as he's checking into the hotel, the clerk says: "Good evening Mr. Presley! We have your suite all ready for you, and the usual - 2 beautiful women - are waiting for you!"

To which the Pope replies: "Thank you thank you very much."

Parrot Shooting

These two blokes were standing on a cliff. One had a budgie on his shoulder and the other had a parrot on his. The first guy jumps off the cliff and the budgie flies away. The second guy stares down at the bottom of the cliffs and sees his friend lying there broken and in excruiating pain. Then he follows and as he jumps the parrot flies away and he pulls a gun from his jacket and shoots at the parrot just before he too crashes to the bottom of the cliffs.

As they lay there the first bloke looks at his friend and says, "I don't care what they say I don't care at all for this budgie jumping."

To which the second replies, "I know what you mean. I don't care much for that free fall parrot shooting either."

Q and A

Q: Why are married chicks always heavier than single chicks?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside!

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes, leading to vapor-lock!

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q: What's the definition of a Yankee?
A: Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side

Q: What does a blonde say after she's had multiple orgasms?
A: "Way to go, Team!"

Q: Why do tampons have strings?
A: So you can floss after you're finished eating!

Q: Why was the blonde staring intensely at the fruit-juice container?
A: Because the carton said "Concentrate!"

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear!

Q: Why is it harder to make a blonde snowman, compared to a brunette snowman?
A: You have to hollow out the head!

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: How do you know that a blonde has sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp in the corner of the fax!

3 Guys

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

3 Other Guys

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer!?"

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.' Then she said, 'No, I'm not a widow!' And I said, 'Wanna bet a six-pack?'"

Fish Sticks

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply "yes".

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."

Mother-in-Law

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher.

Lawyers

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?", the Doctor replied.

Eggs

The farm boy said to his father, "Y'know, pop, I've just realized that an egg is the unluckiest danged thing in all creation."

"And why is that?" asked the elder farmer.

"'Cuz," replied the boy, "it only gets laid once, it only gets eaten once, it takes eleven minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom."

Fast Drinker

This guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for five shots of whisky. As soon as the bartender pours the whisky the guy starts slamming all five shots down.

The bar tender says "Wow! You really slammed those down!"

To which the guy replies: "Well, if you had what I have, you'd drink fast too."

"What do you have?" asks the bar tender.

"About fifty cents!"

The Jewish Samurai

There is a powerful emperor who needs a new head Samurai, so he puts the word out. A year passes and on the same day, three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. He flicks his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces.

The emperor exclaims, "That is very impressive!" He then asks the Chinese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. So this second Samurai also opens a match box, releasing a fly. He flicks his sword twice, and the fly drops dead on the ground, in four pieces.

"Amazing!" exclaims the emperor, turning to the Jewish Samurai. "And what can you do?"

The Jewish Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. He flashes his sword in an intricate flourish, filling the room with a wooshing wind from the speed of his blade. Then he puts down the blade, but the fly is still buzzing around!

The emperor, disappointed, asks: "After all that fuss, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiles and says: "Circumcision is not intended to kill, Emperor-san."

The Armless Guy

Bob goes to a public restroom and sees this armless guy just standing there. "Hey, buddy. Can you help me out?" the guy asks.

Bob, being a kind soul, agrees. He pulls out the guy's pecker, and is horrified to see that it's covered in red bumps, purple rashes, leathery moles, oozing scabs, and assorted scars. To top it all off, it smells worse than a dead cat's vagina.

Gagging, Bob points this rotten pecker towards the urinal, and the armless man pisses out a chunky stream of steaming reddish piss.

"Hey buddy," the armless man says when he's done, "wouldja mind shaking it for me?"

Bob gives the putrid cock a shake, noticing with disgust the bits of skin, puss and blood that fall off while he does so. The armless guy lets out a huge sigh of relief and thanks Bob for his efforts.

Bob replies: "No problem, man, but what the hell is wrong with your penis?"

So the guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says: "I'm not sure, exactly. But I sure as hell ain't touchin'it!"

The Tattoo

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says: "where the hell have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."

"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"

"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

Middle Age

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one ever steals your chair.

How To Survive With Women: Treat Them Like Your Car - Part I

1. Give it a regular, thorough going over.
2. Rub it down nicely.
3. Make sure it's waxed regularly.
4. Is it easy to turn on? Does it need manual crank starting? Or bump starting?
5. Ensure your stick is firm and is not jamming.
6. Change the lubrication.
7. Check the rubber is not wearing thin.
8. Lift up the front and have a long hard look.
9. Check the rear end is clean and tidy.
10. Check for spare tire and any handles.
11. Keep an eye on fuel consumption.
12. Make sure the top can come down and look good on hot, summer days.
13. Make sure you will not have to spend half your paycheck on accessories for it.
14. Are the bodywork and lines to your liking? Is the interior comfortable?
15. Ensure that it responds well to you when you're in the driving seat.

Penis Tax

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it's hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Effective January 1, 2000, penises will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:
10" - 12" -- Luxury Tax
8" - 10" ---- Pole Tax
5" - 8" ------ Privilege Tax
4" - 5" ------ Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Brakes

A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.

He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke!

The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy, didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"

The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming!

I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"

The Quick Old Man

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago!"

Texas Bull

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable." replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

Hand Washing

At the urinal, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The Accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the Montana State University, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

The Old Wife

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

Guinness

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it. The Irishman too picked the fly out of his drink, held it over the beer and started yelling "spit it out you bastard."

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Walmart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Arrrgh...

A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's steering-wheel hanging from his penis. The bartender takes one look at him and asks: "Hey! Why is there a ship's steering wheel tied to your penis?!"

The Pirate replies: "Arrrgh! It drives me nuts!"

It's Me Again

A guy goes on a game show where all you have to do is give a four letter word and if the adjudicators can't find a meaning for it in the dictionary and you can place it in a sentence. He is chosen this night and races down to the hotseat where the host introduces him.

"Welcome Bob have you got a word for our panel?"

"Well yes I do - it is GARN!"

"GARN?"

"Yes - GARN!"

"Panel, can we find this word?"

The panel's reply is negative, so the host asks: "Bob, can you place this word into a sentence for us? If you do, you win this beautiful automobile!"

"Sure" Bob replies confidently, "GARN GET FUCKED!"

As you can imagine, security 'assist' Bob from the studio and he is consequently banned from the show. Not to be outdone, Bob goes in disguise to a show later that season and of course is chosen to challenge the panel.

"Welcome Ned, how are you?"

"Well, thanks!"

"Have you got a word?"

"I sure do" he exclaims - "SMEE!"

"Was that SMEE, Ned?"

"Yep!"

Again the panel doesn't find the word.

"Can you put the word SMEE into a sentence for us NED?"

"Yep - SMEE again, GARN get fucked!!!"

Pesticide Condom

A farmer walks into the drug store and says: "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it."

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, cuz my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!"

Chutzpah

There's this Polish guy who had a Jewish neighbor. He goes to visit him because he wants to know why the Jews are all so smart.
"We eat a lot of fish," says the Jewish neighbor.
"Can I have some?" asks the Polish man.
"It's gonna cost you $100 a piece," replies the Jewish man.
"If it'll make me smarter, I'm willing to try," says the Polish man.
He eats the fish, but something is troubling him. "You know, a hundred bucks is a lot of money for a fish. I think you screwed me on that deal."
"You see!" replies the neighbor, "it's already working!"

Defined

• Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
• Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do
• Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall
• Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage
• Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with
• Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate
• Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
• Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living
• Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist
• Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

An Unusual Situation (a smart blonde joke!)

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Milk of Kindness

Learning that he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother. To his delight, he found a woman almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.

As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, the woman was almost beside herself with passion.

"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.

Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"

Application To Date My Daughter

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and Boy Scout rank?
2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____ If "No", explain:
3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____
4. A truck with oversize tires? ____
5. waterbed? ____
6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____
7. Do you have a tattoo? ____

*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*

8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?
12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________
13. How often do you attend: ____________________________
14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________
15. Please fill in the blanks:
    If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
    If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
    A woman's place is in the ____________________________
    The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
    When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________

*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

16. What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.

Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father ____________________________________
Signature of mother ___________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ________________________________
Signature of State Representative ________________________

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.

Rosie Palm

A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.

The coach said, "You're such a big guy, why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand."

"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

Shakin' All Over

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so.

It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds.

She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?"

He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman".

"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?".

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.

"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.

"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease"

Womens T-Shirt Slogans

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

Radar Cop

A guy in a Corvette is flying down the road and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

"Well, most times you just give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge!"

Things You'd Love To Say At Work

• Do I look like a people person?
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand!

1. Cats' facial expressions
2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
4. Fat clothes
5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat you best time
6. The difference between beige, cream, off-white, and eggshell
7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
8. Eyelash curlers
9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale
10. OTHER WOMEN!

The Blind Man

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."

"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.

"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

Bigamy

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asks him: "How many women can a man marry?"

His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up! 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"

Bus 54

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

"TENDJEWBERRYMUD"

It's amazing, you will understand the above word by the end of the conversation...
Read aloud for best results. Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. This has been nominated for best e-mail of 1999. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and Published in the Far East Economic Review....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud."
G : "You're welcome."

The Name Game

John walks into a bar, and before he takes two steps through the front door, he realizes it's a gay bar. He considers leaving but says to himself, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

A gay bartender asks John, "What's the name of your penis?"

John explains, "Listen, pal, I'm not into your little games. All I want is a drink."

"I'm sorry," says the bartender , "but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So, John turns to the guy sitting to his left and asks, "Hey, princess, what's the name of your penis?"

The gay patron gives John a smile and replies, "Timex... 'cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken by the response, John turns to the guy sitting to his right, "Hey, pretty boy, what's the name of your penis?"

The gay patron gives John a smile and replies, "Ford...

because quality is Job 1!" The patron continues, "Have you > driven a Ford, lately?"

By now, John is really shaken and not sure how to react to the environment he's just walked into. So, he decides to play their little game. He turns to the bartender and proudly says, "The name of my penis is Secret... Now give me a beer."

The puzzled bartender pours John a beer, then asks, "Why the name Secret?"

John takes the beer from the bartender, then smirks and says, "Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

Kansas

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..."

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"Well, what is it like?"

"Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day."

"Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December.

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree.

As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA.

Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

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