Double Ought Jokes 5
HOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?
May 30th: Just moved to Phoenix, Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th: Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I Hate this #@*&$!% state.
Aug 8th: If another wise-ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!!
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to #@*& for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to Minnesota for some peace and quiet.
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players. "You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
DARWIN AWARDS
As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways.POTENTIAL 1999 AWARD CANDIDATES:
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned out when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest that Berrena was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
DARWIN AWARD - HONORABLE MENTIONS
In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head, and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."
AND THE WINNER:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zoo-keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say that the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time, the keeper suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
World's Shortest Books
- "My Book Of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
- "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O. J. Simpson
- "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGenerates
- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Daily Affirmations
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself.
The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little feller on your knee!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a doctor who was the most respected in town. He wanted more time with his family, so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load. He was very successful.
No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone and not the real doctor. After a while, the clone became vulgar and he would tell his patients dirty jokes. The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill the clone to save his name. He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off.
The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor for making an OBSENE CLONE FALL.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted." Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here.' The string walked away and sat down with his friends.
A few minutes later he walked back up to the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says,
'I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here.'
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.
Then he walks back up to the bar. His friends think that he's crazy. So, he orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, 'Hey, aren't you a string?' And the string says,
'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.'
DIET TIPS
If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy,
Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there
The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
Answering Machine Messages
Please feel free to try these
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right .......real slow......... So leave a message, and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Out Of The Mouths Of Parents!
The following is a list with actual notes from parents (including spelling) to school offices:
*My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear school: Please ekscuse John being ansent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and 33.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
*Sally win't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
*Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
As I said before,
I swear we do not make these up
In Phoenix, Arizona the law states that every man who enters the city limits must wear pants.
In Hackberry, Arizona there is a law that prohibits women from eating raw onions while drinking buttermilk on Sunday.
In some parts of the south, a widow or divorced woman isn't allowed to dry her underwear.
on the front porch or on a clothesline before the sun goes down.
In some parts of the south, women aren't allowed to eat pickles with their feet up on porch railings.
It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas while within the state.
The state legislature passed a law that the Arkansas River can raise no higher than the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
Florida prohibits topless walking within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.
In Florida it is illegal to jog with your eyes closed.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California.
In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket.
In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal to give beer to a moose.
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole thingis just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
- WON'T BEAT ME UP
- WON'T RUN AWAY
- HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
CRITICAL THINKING
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"
My Favorite T-Shirt Slogans
"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" -- seen on Cape Cod
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15"
"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!" "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
"West Virginia: One Million People, Fifteen Last Names"
"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
"I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
"Where there's a will I want to be in it"
"MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose"
"They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken"
"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"
"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
"Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"
"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."
The Top 20 T-Shirt Slogans Of 1999
- So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
- I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
- God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
- If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
- My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
- (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah!
- (On the back of a Harley-rider) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
- I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
- What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
- (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
- I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
- Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
- IRS - Be Audit You Can Be
- Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
- Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
- Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's The Law.
- If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen
- In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's The Risk You Take.
- First Things First, But Not Necessarily In That Order.
- I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts. The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer," Ask him again where my money is!" "Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard." "What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss. The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
Even more things to think about...
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
Days such as 4-13-89 have both even and odd digits, thus, it is neither odd nor even.
The next Odd day will be 1-1-3111, which is well over a thousand years away, which we will never see.
The next even day will be 2-2-2000, the first one since 8-28-888.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You go to a family reunion to pick up chicks
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dog and wallet are on the same chain.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Words of Wisdom
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, 'come on in'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents ar e seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
THINGS MEN KNOW:
Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
WWW - World Wide Wait
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defective Operating System
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
THINGS WE WONDER
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
If we're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?
MECHANICAL PROBLEMS
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT A CHEAP CAR
- Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
- The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
- The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
- The rear-view miror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
- The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
- Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
- The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included."
- You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
- You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
- When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.
REDNECK ETIQUETTE 101
General
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining in your home
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux.
- A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
THE FLY
Once upon a time, there was a fly flying twelve inches above a lake. In the lake was a fish saying to himself, "I wish that fly would drop six inches so I could jump up and eat the fly."
On the bank was a cat saying to himself, "I wish that fly would drop six inches so the fish would jump out of the water to catch the fly and I could catch the fish."
Behind the cat was a dog saying to himself, "I wish the fly would drop six inches so the fish could get the fly, the cat would get the fish and I could catch the cat."
A few yards away behind a tree was a bear, and he was saying to himself, "I wish the fly would drop six inches, so the fish would get the fly, the cat would get the fish, the dog would get the cat and I could catch the dog."
Ten yards away from the bear was a hunter. The hunter said to himself, "I wish the fly would drop six inches, so the fish could catch the fly, the cat could catch the fish, the dog would catch the cat, the bear would catch the dog, and I could shoot the bear when he moves from behind the tree."
Under the hunter was a mouse, and the mouse was saying to himself, "I wish the fly would drop six inches so the fish would get the fly, the cat would get the fish, the dog would get the cat, the bear would get the dog, the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would get the cheese that will fall out of the hunter's pocket when he moves."
Just then, the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped up and caught the fly, and the cat fell into the water.
The moral of the story is, "Every time a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet."
THE LEGLESS PARROT
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this! How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, & philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the Postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My Goodness!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!
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