Double Ought Jokes 8
Top 10 Signs Your Web Site Was Hacked by Dumb Guys
- They brag about stealing all the software off your site, www.freeware.com.
- "Feedback on my hacking? E-mail me at the address below."
- The end of their political message reads, "This hack best viewed with Internet Explorer 4.0 or above."
- Their lone devious act of "vandalism" was to correct all your spelling errors.
- The KKK logo they left uses white letters on a white background.
- Pamela Lee has clothes on now.
- "pHaNtOm" tried to disable your retail website by using his American Express platinum card to purchase your entire inventory.
- Someone broke into your credit card database and stole 400,000 middle initials.
- Hacked into www.Playboy.com just to read the articles.
- Calls himself "Dr. Evil" and demands that he will unleash an attack on the entire world and bring the internet to a screeching halt unless he receives "$100, in small bills."
It's Dark In Here
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "Its dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is ", the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?", the little boy asks. "No Thanks", the man replies.
"I think you do", the little extortionist continues. "Ok. how much?", the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars", the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!", the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with the little boy.
"Its dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is", replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Ok. How much?", the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars", the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boys father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them", replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars", the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness". the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't it?"
The priest says, "Don't you start that #$@^% in here now".
VAN GOGH'S FAMILY TREE
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
EMERGENCY EXIT
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
QUIZ SHOW FOLLIES
A married couple was watching the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" At the end of the show, the man said to his wife, "I think we will have an early night."
She answered, "Okay, but when I get to bed I am going straight to sleep."
And he said, "Is that your final answer?"
She replied, "Yes."
He said, "Okay, then I'm going to phone a friend."
BAD COMPLIMENT
A lady is working hard in her office when a co-worker tells her that her hair smells good. Immediately, she goes to her boss and tells him that she has been sexually harassed.
"How?" asks the boss.
"He said my hair smells good," replied the lady.
"Wouldn't you take that as a compliment?"
"Normally I would, but he's a midget."
HIGH MAINTENANCE
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
- New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
- Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
- Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.
- In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
- Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
- Holidays are usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.
- Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
- Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
- Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
The State Dinner
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
DEFINITIONS BY GENDER
THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger. male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-mohtkon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
Captain Bravo
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again they vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants."
Talking To God
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "how long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To me, it's a penny." The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "In a minute."
The Job
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Post-Game Party
After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?" says Doug.
"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."
Steady Driving
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
She was so blonde that...
Subject: Stages of Life
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 bourbon 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox AGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancé is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping AGE DEFINITION OF SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive." AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 ménage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/love slave AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas." 48 "Just come over." 66 "Just come over and cook." THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "Burger King" 25 "Free meal" 35 "A diamond" 48 "A bigger diamond" 66 "Home Alone" AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 tall, dark and handsome 25 tall, dark and handsome with money 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 a man with hair 66 a man AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 AGE IDEAL DATE 17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast
IN-FLIGHT CHAT
Dick Cheney & the Bush Family are flying on Air Force One. George Dubya looks at Dick, chuckles & says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now & make one person very happy."
Dick shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
The First Lady tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
A Secret Service Agent rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
GO FOR THE BRONZE
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"
Don't Take Life To Seriously
25 Ways to KNOW You're in Los Angeles
- Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
- You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
- You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
- Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
- You can't remember... is pot illegal?
- You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
- You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
- You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
- A really great parking space can move you to tears.
- A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
- Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the US.
- A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
- A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
- Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
- Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. (sometimes more)
- The gym is packed at 3 p.m... on a work day.
- Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
- It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000."
- You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
- Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
- The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by some horrific nine-car freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.
- The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care.
- You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
- It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
- You AND your dog (or cat) have therapists.
SHORT ORDERS
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The Brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite.
Following her, the Redhead walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite.
Last, the Blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a Fifteen."
"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"
"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."
UNSPOKEN WORDS
Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say:- I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.
- Biologically my body is built to serve you and nothing else.
- Oral sex is my favorite hobby.
- During my bad week, I'll get you a hooker.
- Does this make my butt look too small?
- PMS is just a myth.
- That guy has great breasts.
- I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and cook for you.
- Sure she has a great body, but how's her personality?
- Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
- When Bambi's mother was shot I cried.
- Forget the game, Oprah's on!
- It's your decision.
- I care.
FULLY EQUIPPED
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true... but you have all the equipment..."
BIRD WATCHING
A few fraternity brothers needed to fill a science requirement in order to graduate, so they spent weeks studying for the final. The day of the exam arrived and they were more than ready for the test. The teacher pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs. The teacher said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."
After ten minutes one boy stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teachers desk. "Dammit!" he hollered. "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?" The guy begins to leave the room and the teacher yells at him, "Hey you, boy, what's your name?" The student pulls up his pants, revealing his legs, and says, "I don't know sir. You tell me."
If Men TRULY Ran The World...
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
- Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Two words..."Ally McNaked".
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
- Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
MALPRACTICE
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Signs Your Significant Other is a Day Trader
- Makes plans to take you to dinner at either the Plaza or Burger King, depending on whether Bill Gates testifies that day.
- In bed, never wants to hold a position for longer than a few minutes.
- Leaps off high-rise with her (his) laptop, makes $5,000 on way down.
- When you ask if your butt looks big in these pants she (he) says, "Sorry, I can't say. I have insider information."
- Doesn't seem to notice she's (he's) been wearing the same robe and underwear for about a week now.
- Looks nervous every time you mention the kids' college fund.
- Dinner last night: Duck a l'orange, caviar, creme brulee. Dinner tonight: Gruel.
- Helps your kid make a sign: "LEMONADE: 1 7/16"
- 12:41pm: Offers to trade some of her/his French fries for some of your onion rings.
- 12:47pm: Offers a few of the onion rings back to recoup lost French fry capital.
- He ain’t yelling "Yahoo!" because of you...
Are You Kidding?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Front Row Seats
An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats. "Sorry, sir," the usher said, "but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient and said, "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, "All right buddy," the manager said, "what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned. "Where did you come from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."
Groan...
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp.
The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.
Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign says 'Yield', not "give up!"
The Engineer and The Frog
An engineer was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him "if you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me and t urn me into a beautiful princess I will stay with you for one week" The engineer took frog out of his pocket and smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I`ll stay with you and do anything you want". Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?"
The engineer said "Look I`m an engineer, I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - that`s cool!
Loss of Words
Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"
Conversation with God
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had beento him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
Nervous Flight
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and stops shaking.
Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately. A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying.
"My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."
"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man.
"Then what's the matter?
Sobbing loudly he says, "I'm trying to give up drinking."
What's for dinner?
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer.
Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ...........(better start again)
Office Supplies
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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