The Pearson Project - Xmas Panto

Xmas Panto

THE PEARSON PROJECT CHRISTMAS PANTOMIME 2003
Mark Pearson and the Holy N-Gage

The Cast
Mark "Seizure" Pearson
Chris Gill
Peter John Toomer
Andrew "Eros" Wallace
Matthew Laidlow
Ian Wilson
Daniel Harle
Richie Oliver
Chris "Jarra" Smith
Dan the Charver Genie

ACT 1 - The Rising Sun

[Pearson enters the Sun]

Pearson: Ah fuck man, the bastards aint here, I'll have to sit on me own.

[Harle walks through door]

Harle: Ah Pearson my comrade, what would you be doing here?

Pearson: I'm here for the quiz like every Sunday you dozey cunt.

Harle: No need for that sort of language, would you be liking a drink from this fine establishment?

Pearson: Aye gan on then, I'll have a coke.

Harle: Good man, not drinking any of that disgusting stuff the rest of them drink.

[Harle goes to bar]

Harle: 2 pints of Coca-Cola please my friend.

Barmaid: Ł3.20 please.

Harle: Here's Ł5, keep the change.

Barmaid: Very generous, thank you.

Harle: Generous is my middle name.

[Harle returns to table]

Pearson: Cheers, I thought your middle name was "The Cunt".

Harle: Ha Ha very funny...not. So what have you been upto today?

Pearson: Sat and watched TV like every day, you?

Harle: Well, I've had a most enjoyable day. I've annoyed Gilly by texting him asking to be put back on the site, and I've also updated my wonderful site - all about me, with no lies whatsoever, coz I clearly have blonde hair and blue eyes.

Pearson: Aye course you have.

[Pearson takes large sip of Coke]

[Enter Gilly and Wally, Gilly approaches bar]

Gilly: 2 pints of Miller please.

Wally: I'll set the pool table up.

Gilly: Aye

Barmaid: Ł4 please.

Gilly: Ta.

[Gilly and Wally begin to play pool]

Pearson: (Loudly) Hey Eros!

Wally: Eh, you talkin to me like? Ah seizure.

Pearson: Where you been?

Wally: Shop, to get money, something you've never seen before.

Pearson: I nearly got a job once man.

Gilly: Aye, then they seen who you were.

[Gilly and Wally continue to play pool]

Gilly: You reckon they've been havin fun before we got here like?

Wally: Pearson and Harle - fun? Joking aren't you? Especially if Pearson's been trying to feel Harle's legs.

[Gilly Laughs]

[Enter Richie and Tooma, Tooma holds hand up while approaching pool table. Richie finds seat.]

Tooma: Ha'way Wally gan to the bar for iz then.

Wally: Gan to the bar yerself yi lazy cunt.

Tooma: I can't man, I've got "I can't go to the bar syndrome"

[Wally quickly buys Tooma a pint and returns to table]

Tooma: Cheers sexy.

[Pool game finishes and Gilly, Wally, Tooma and Richie approach Harle and Pearson]

Harle: How have you been then my dearest Hobson friend.

Tooma: Uh, shut up I need sleep. I've been at work for the last 72 hours straight.

[Tooma downs pint, walks to front door and disappears into the night]

Gilly: Strange child.

[A big bang is heard]

Wally: Ah fuck man Richie have you farted again

Pearson: That was one hell of a fart that Richie

Richie: I didn't fart

[A bright light surrounds the lounge]

ACT 2 -Amsterdam

[The team have appeared in familiar surroundings]

Pearson: Whoa, shit we're back in the 'Dam.

[Tooma appears from round corner]

Harle: Where did you go, and how the hell are we here?

Tooma: I only went to get Space Raiders and Haribo from the Happy Shopper, next thing I knew I was here.

Wally: So this is Amsterdam then.

Gilly: Aye Wally, the place you weren't allowed to come to.

[Pearson Laughs]

Richie: Well at least I don't need to worry about my phone being nicked

Pearson: Aye coz it's already been nicked, ha ha.

Harle: Wait wait wait, we need to bring some sensibility to this situation.

Pearson: Ah shut the fuck up man Harle, just enjoy it.

Tooma: Na I think he's right, we could be stuck here. Has anyone got their passports?

All: Na

Tooma: Any possesions?

Gilly: Whoa all me money's turned to Euro's, erm, €20, darts, phone and lighter

Wally: €10, phone and lighter

Harle: €20, a lighter and a moon rock

Pearson: Darts

Richie: Err, nothing.

Tooma: Wey, I've got €300, me phone, darts and 2 lighters.

Richie: Lighters aren't going to get us very far are they?

Pearson: Shut Up

[Richie bitch slaps Pearson]

Tooma: Break it up man, we don't want a repeat performance of November.

Harle: We need to find the British Embassy to ask if they can get us home.

[A loud Michael Jackson-esque scream is heard]

All: LANKY!, and Duck!

Gilly: How are you's here anarl?

Lanky: My Dad was driving us up and we seen a bright flash and appeared infront of some coffeeshop.

Pearson: Smokeys!?

Lanky: Thats the one!

Gilly: Fuck the Embassy - to Smokeys!

Richie: Ohh yea we might see them lasses again.

Pearson: Oh God, will you drop it about them lasses.

[A large black man approaches, the team quickly place hands in pockets]

Black Man: Hello, hello, my friends from England, I have cocaine, you buy for cheap, special deal.

Tooma: No thanks mate.

[The team quickly escape the man, and approach Coffeshop Smokey]

Harle: Do you not think we should be looking for the Embassy.

Gilly: Aye, aye later man Harle we're going for a Pint and some space cake.

Wally: Sounds good to me.

[Drinks and cake are purchased, and the team are seated]

Richie: So, you're spending your money on more alcohol and food.

Gilly: (While eating cake) Yup

Richie: And you intend on getting home...how?

Gilly: Who cares.

Pearson: We'll get jobs as hookers and live here.

[A silence surrounds the table]

Tooma: Mmkay Pearson, you do that if you like.

Harle: How are we getting out of this mess then.

Lanky: Mess? I've got a pint, I wouldn't call it a mess.

[Laughter]

Duck: We could phone someone to book us plane tickets.

[The team take a sharp intake of breath]

Tooma: It spoke

Pearson: Bloody Hell man Duck, your exerting yourself with all this talking tonight.

[Laughter]

Gilly: Easy solution man we'll stay here till our money runs out

Wally: About half an hour then

Gilly: Then Tooma can buy us all ferry tickets home as hes so rich

Tooma: As long as I get it back

Pearson: I'll pay you back when I get a job

Tooma: Don't worry about it Pearson, it'll be quicker for me to find it.

Lanky: That's all sorted then, who's buying me another pint?

Pearson: Ha

[The team exit Smokey's]

Richie: Erm, I don't want to worry anyone, but the Ferry doesn't leave until 6pm tomorrow.

Pearson: Hmm, I think that means we're staying overnight.

[The team give a sarcastic clap]

Duck: I'm not sleeping outside, I'll get raped.

Tooma: Na, don't worry Duck, the black men aren't like that, they just want your money.

Duck: Its not the dealers I'm worried about - It's Pearson!

[All laugh except Pearson]

Harle: We'll find a Youth Hostel

[Gilly restrains Pearson from hitting Harle]

Wally: Whats that on the floor like?

Richie: It's a Euro, mine mine.

[Wally drops to floor and claims Euro, then immediately notices nearest Casino]

Wally: I'll be back in a minute.

[Wally enters Casino, then returns a minute later]

Wally: I had some good luck.

Gilly: Don't say you've fucking won again!

Wally: How much is €500?

Gilly: You lucky cunt!

Lanky: Harle, you go stay in your Youth Hostel, Wally's paying for us to stay in a hotel.

[The team head for the Amstel Botel]

Tooma: The outdoor urinal! There it is. How cool can you get?

[Tooma proceeds to use the outdoor urinal]

Wally: See you in the Botel PJ

[The team enter the botel]

Gilly: Hi, can we have a room for 8 people for the night please?

Receptionist: I'm sorry we only have 1 room with 2 beds available.

Gilly: That'll do, we'll take it.

[Wally hands over money, and recieves unknown amount of change]

Duck: I need a bed!

Pearson: Same here

Tooma: I'll sleep with you big boy.

Richie: Sleep? You intend on sleeping? I'm going to some clubs and I'll put a tab behind the bar and get pissed!

Lanky: I'll follow.

[The team cram into their Botel room]

Gilly: Channel 31!

Harle: What's on that?

Tooma: Turn it on and find out.

[Harle turns TV to channel 31 and is greeted by hardcore porn]

Harle: Urgh, I'm going out the room if you're watching that.

[Harle exits room]

Gilly: Anyone got any cake left?

Wally: I've got a bit like

Gilly: Feed them Ducks some out there.

[Wally and Gilly proceed to feed the Ducks space cake, as the rest of the team look on in laughter]

Tooma: Reet, I reckons we sit here for a bit then go find some clubs, and go back to Smokey's!

Lanky: Sorted.

Scene 2

[Later on that evening, the team find Harle milling about the Botel and then they leave in search of alcohol and more space cake.]

Duck: The drinks are on Wally.

Lanky: Whoohoo!

[The team head to Smokeys]

Tooma: Ahh heaven.

[Alcohol and space cake are purchased once again. As the team are seated they are approached by a large bald man with rose tinted glasses]

Large Bald man with Rose Tinted Glasses: Err, it's me Chris Smith from Jarra. I've got some news for you's like. The ferry isn't coming back.

Richie: Eh?

Chris Smith: But erm I've got a little secret, I know how to get the ferry back.

Harle: Please enlighten us my friend.

Chris Smith: Wey, if you find the holy N-Gage I will use it's powers to bring back the ferry, and you can go home.

Lanky: So how do we find the holy N-Gage?

Chris Smith: I'm not giving you any more info, unless you buy me a pint.

Pearson: Fuck that.

Chris Smith: Arr, am not havin this like, I'm off!

[Exit Chris Smith]

Duck: Well done Sausage Fingers.

Pearson: Erm.

Gilly: Wey that was intresting.

Wally: Pearson...

Pearson: Aye?

Wally: Have you ate the Holy N-Gage?

[Laughter - execpt Pearson]

Harle: Seriously now, we need to find this object.

Lanky: Where is it Harle?

Harle: I don't know.

Pearson: Wey shut up then.

Richie: Going to the toilet.

[Exit Richie]

Pearson: He's away for a wank

[A big bang is heard]

Gilly: Sounds like he's having a shit to me

[A big flash surrounds Smokeys, then the team appear in unfamiliar surroundings]

ACT 3 - 746 AD

Wally: What the fuck is up with all these bloody flashes and bangs?

Duck: And where the fuck are we?

Harle: I think you'll find we're in the year 746 AD.

Tooma: I think you'll find we're in deep shit!

Harle: Check your possesions

[A chicken is heard]

Pearson: Erm, that was in my pocket.

Wally: Mmkay.

Lanky: Anyone got anything?

Gilly,Tooma,Wally + Pearson: A lighter.

Harle: That chicken could come in handy.

Chicken: Squawk

Gilly: Pearson, stop eating the bloody chicken

Pearson: Sorry

Tooma: Erm, there's something not right...

Duck: Too bloody right - we're in the year 746 AD!

Tooma: Nah man, Richie's missing.

Pearson: He'll turn up somewhere.

Wally: Look - a sign.

[The team walk over to an old wooden signpost]

Wally: [Looking at sign] It says: Cave. And its pointing that way [Wally points to left of stage]

Pearson: Well done Wally, you can read!

[Wally bitchslaps Pearson]

Harle: To the cave!

Wally: [Pointing above the entrance of the cave] Look - another sign!

Gilly: [Reading from the sign] Enter at own risk.

Tooma: Pearson get yerself in.

Pearson: Fuck that!

[The team enter the cave togther]

Lanky: Can you hear something?

[Singing is heard from the other end of the cave]

Singer: Why do you build me up buttercup baby just to let me down...

Tooma: That's Richie's voice!

Richie: Is that you?

Pearson: Aye it's us!

Richie: Well I didn't know I can't see a thing.

[Wally pulls lighter out of pocket and lights it. The cave is lit up.]

Gilly: What were you saying about lighters not helping anything Richie?

Richie: Well I wouldv'e had a light earlier, but I can't get this bloody lamp to work.

Harle: Where did you get that?

Richie: [Pointing to corner of cave] Found it over there.

Wally: Have you tried rubbing it?

Richie: Na

Pearson: I bet he's been rubbing something else while we've been away.

[Laughter - except Richie]

Gilly: Go on then rub it.

Lanky: Not that man Richie - the lamp!

Richie: Erm oops, ok

[Richie rubs the lamp, as a large puff of smoke fills the cave]

Pearson: Whoa, what the hell!

[The smoke clears]

Wally: [Sarcastically] I suppose there'll be a genie as well?

Unknown Voice: Yes, I am Dan the charver - your Genie!

Duck: Clever Wally

Dan the Charver Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes, as long as you give me a bottle of white lightning first.

Gilly: We haven't got any White Lightning, now give us our wishes.

Dan the Charver Genie: Fair enough, what will be your first wish.

Tooma: Well, we need to find...

Pearson: [Interrupting] I wish I could lose some weight.

[Another puff of smoke surrounds the cave and Pearson is skinny]

Tooma: Pearson you tit, you wasted a wish!

Harle: Well if he's wasting one, I want my go - I wish I lived on the Moon.

[Another puff of smoke surrounds the cave and Harle has disappeared]

Tooma: Rite everyone shut it, I wish we could find the Holy N-Gage and get back to the pub for the quiz.

Dan the Charver Genie: I'm afraid that is 2 wishes in one, wish void!

[Dan the charver Genie disappears]

Richie: Well that helped a lot.

[Enter Dan the charver Genie]

Dan the charver Genie: Can yi lend iz 20p for erm... me busfare.

Duck: Buses haven't been invented yet.

Dan the charver Genie: I'll take that half eaten chicken instead then.

Pearson: Nar, thats my only food!

Tooma: Only if you tell us where the N-Gage is.

Dan the charver Genie: Ok, the N-Gage is buried deep within you.

[Dan the charver Genie takes the half eaten chicken and leaves the stage]

Wally: I knew Pearson had ate the N-Gage.

Duck: What does he mean, buried deep within us?

Gilly: He was probably talking crap.

Wally: Ah wey, what do we do now?

[Rocks start falling from the roof of the cave, the team duck for cover as a loud bang is heard]

Wally: I wonder whats coming next

[A bright flash lights up the cave]

ACT 4 - The Moon

Wally: What a surprise, we're somewhere else

Tooma: We're at Harle's house

Pearson: That doesn't look like Harle's garden out there

Gilly: Err, that's the Moon.

Lanky: Harle wished to live on the Moon didn't he?

Duck: Well thats 2 out of 3 wishes from Dan the charver Genie proved.

[Singing is heard]

Harle: Why do you build me up Buttercup baby just to let...

Pearson: I'm sick of that bloody song.

Harle: Ah hello Earth people. What would you be doing on my fine planet.

Pearson: I don't care how or why we're on it, but how do we get off it.

Harle: We use the N-Gage of course.

Tooma: It would help if we had the bloody N-Gage!

Harle: Ah but thats the point my friend. It is here.

[Harle pulls N-Gage out of cupboard]

All: Whoa shit!

Gilly: Where'd you get that?

Harle: It was in my moon rock.

Gilly: And you were going to tell us this...when exactly?

Harle: I only found it a few minutes ago, I was building a transportelecommunipatiation pod...

Tooma: I'm not gonna bother asking what the hell that is

Harle: And my moon rock drop out of my pocket and smashed open, and the N-Gage fell out.

Lanky: Why didn't you use its special powers to come rescue us and take ue back home?

Harle: Coz I'm happy on the moon.

Richie: Whatever, we need to find Chris Smith now, only he knows how to use it's powers.

Harle: To the transportelecommunipatiation pod.

Duck: Eh?

Harle: [Pointing outside] That spaceship over there

Gilly: Eh?

Harle: The big chunk of metal on my garden.

Wally: Ah rite.

[The team enter Harle's customised spaceship]

Wally: Not bad, not bad - not as good as my Mini though.

Harle: So where would we find Chris Smith?

Gilly + Tooma: JARRA!

[Harle clicks some buttons and the spaceship makes a loud bang. Harle continues pressing buttons and the team are blinded by a bright light, then the spaceship shoots off stage]

ACT 5 - Jarra

[The team are rushing through space very fast]

Harle: 7 billion times the speed of light actually Mr Narrator.

[The spaceship crashes into a bus station, and a knock is heard. Harle opens the door]

Chris Smith: Hoy, you crashed into me house. I'm in the posh end of Jarra me man - the bus station.

[Harle presses a button and the Holy N-Gage falls to the feet of Chris Smith]

Chris Smith: AAHHH It's the Holy N-Gage!!!

Tooma: Now use it's powers to get us back to the quiz.

Chris Smith: Erm, it hasn't actually got any powers, I had just lost me phone and wanted you to find it. You can get that bus back to Sunniside though.

[The team board the bus, and as the doors shut, a loud bang is heard. the bus speeds up and is surrounded by a bright flash]

ACT 6 - The Stage

[Pearson lies asleep in a bed on the stage]

Pearson: ZZZZzzzzzz.

[Pearson has a giant seizure and begins to wake up]

Pearson:Ugh, ah, it was all a dream. Ah well.

[The rest of the team walk onto stage as the closing music (Why do you build me up Buttercup) begins to play. The curtains then close]

THE END