July Rants- 2003

7-30
Well, it has been forever since I’ve written up here, so I thought it was time for an update. Not too much to say, I think I am brain dead from exhaustion. I seem to have most of my deep thoughts right before I fall asleep, so I tell myself to remember it for the morning and I’ll write it, rather than lose out on sleep… we see how that has worked lol. Not much going on right now, its kind of like time to kick it into second gear for the rest of the summer. I have to work a lot and my research for the year is about to step it up. So I have no life for about the next three weeks, but that is okay. Once school starts up again, I promised myself no working on weekends. Time to get a life. My moods have been bouncing around, but I’ve got a handle on them. For once I’m starting to believe my rational thoughts rather than the irrational. Like I was about to tell myself that I was starting to be really moody again for no reason, but then it dawned on me that there was in fact a reason, that I just hadn’t noticed before. Pretty much every time my boss comes in I get wound SUPER tight. I am super anxious etc. I don’t know why exactly. I guess I always think I’m not good enough, but rarely does she find anything wrong. I think her calmness unnerves me as well…I didn’t realize this until someone pointed it out. I get really nervous around calm people!!! It’s bizarre. My boss is like super super calm...I am definitely not. I am ALWAYS fidgety, moving, hyper, etc. Just can’t sit still ever. So yeah, I found out why I was moody then.

And I guess I’m tired. I know everyone under the sun has warned me about getting burnt out on my job, and I wouldn’t say I’m burnt out on that, but my other project, this research I’m doing. I decided that if it became too much or other members of my team didn’t pick up the slack, or if this other member whom I dislike starts being a b**** then I would walk. I have worked very very hard on this research all summer, and no I don’t expect anything in return, I just want the other members to recognize the importance of the research and get a little more into then than have been. And I know my limits and if that is what is causing me the most stress…I think I need to take care of myself, I can always do it the following year.

And so that is my thing recently. Wanting a life. I think it is finally becoming clear to me, that I’m right here where I always wanted to be. I am here, I made it. I’m alive and thriving. To me, that is awesome. I lost it more times than I can count, I’ve run, I’ve hid, I’ve hung off a cliff…but I’m here. A little scarred maybe, but not permanently (well sorta lol). Night time is still a struggle at times, times alone are still a struggle, but I’m learning. Being home is still a struggle, but I think time will heal some of that.

Eh what am I saying…I believe some of what I am saying, but I’d be lying if I said the other side of me isn’t yelling at me. It is definitely kicking and screaming and making its stance known. But the fact is that part is growing more silent as the other side gathers strength…about damn time lol.

I think I will still struggle for a while, and maybe at times in the future…but as I said earlier- I am here, I made it!

Alright enough revelations for now, I’m tired lol. Long days ahead for the next few weeks, we’ll see how long I can keep this act up, but hey maybe this isn’t an act, maybe this is the real thing this time. It’s gotten hard to tell the difference! It’s like I’m in uncharted territory so I can’t tell what’s real, what’s an act, what’s what really!

Eh, what the hell am I saying, I think I am rambling…so good night all, stay safe and take care.

7-16- VIR rant!
I am in such a state of flux. I am currently in the process of figuring out worth and self esteem. I know that achievement does not equal worth, but I don’t really believe that…if that makes any sense.
I drive myself hard and am under constant pressure. I always think I can do better and better and am never satisfied, yet I tell myself constantly that just one more thing will give me the satisfaction. In truth, I am always raising the bar, thus sabotaging any chance of being happy with where I am.

In light of that- how do I ever gain worth if I equate it with how much I can do? For some reason in my mind I cannot let up, or else I will fail. Which of course is a bad distortion of reality. I mean, I “know” that I won’t be a complete and utter failure if I don’t do everything, but my mind still tells me that I need to feel that way or I will let up.

So the question remains- how do I give up that thought, without giving up my life. I am so wrapped up in that mode of thinking, that I think if I let go…it’ll kill me. Every time I have tried to let up just a little, I go bonkers, I flip out… thus returning to my un-healthy life style.

I need to figure out a way to give myself worth, constant worth, but at the same time not equate it to work. Or how much I can accomplish.

I try listing my accomplishments:
I got into the college of my choice
I have consistently gotten and held good jobs
I am a good therapist with children with autism
I am a hard worker in school
I’m a good big sister to my little brothers
I’ve taught a child how to talk/communicate (more than one)

I work an obscene number of hours for these children
I’m a rep for my major’s department (voted in by class mates)

A list of stuff that I’ve done for my kids that I work with.
But then I disqualify it all!
I say that of course I’ve gotten into a college of my choice- I worked my ass off for it. I would accept nothing less. (which is true, two years ago, I told everyone I was not accepting anything less, and I didn’t…so it was like automatic that I had gotten in then).
Same with the jobs, it was a given.
It is my job to do what’s best for the kids etc.
I work hard in school, but so does everyone else
Other therapists have taught children how to talk/communicate, it’s part of the job!

Then I try to disqualify that stuff- The fact is that I did work my ass off…I could have been lazy and gone to any old college.
I do a lot more than what my job description has required
The actual number of people that can say they can do what I’ve done is small
I don’t have to be a good sister etc, but I choose it
My classmates did not have to vote me in
I don’t have to do the extra stuff for my kids, it’s a choice
Anyway, I could go on and on fighting. What remains is this. At the end of the battle, I still lose, because I always think in “should’s”…I am very much a victim to the tyranny of shoulds. When I do something, I always think I “should” do it or I have to do it, or else. Or else I lose worth. I have to do more and more and more, because as I do more, then people expect that. And I’m not allowed to show I am vulnerable or imperfect because then they will look down on me. And I can’t have that!
But in reality, I am not perfect and I am vulnerable. I will make mistakes, and I’m sure I will have people lose faith in me. And that is what I can’t stand. I have to be perfect or as near to perfect as I can get. I feel that if I lose that, then what is the point of living?

If I can’t keep producing…what is my function in this world? I seem to have this internal need- this need of having to have a function. I can’t just exist, but must do for others. Or else I have no worth.

THE IMPORTANT SECTION!:

So as everyone can now plainly see- I have one hell of a great illogical, distorted mind. And the problem with all of that right now- it is so very painful to let go of some of these thoughts because of the fear of emptiness- that I will be empty without producing, without doing, without driving myself. I remember that empty feeling- I felt it when I was planning and almost carried out my suicide two years ago.

You want to know what scares me? THAT is what scares me, that is what keeps me driven. To never have to feel that again. I’m sure many of you out there know what I am talking about. What happened two years ago fucking scares me and I have tried to stay away from that time as much as possible. And I’ve come up against those feelings before- that is when I become the most suicidal, the most out of control. What scares me even more right now…as I am flirting with all this stuff- I can already feel myself losing grip and heading back down that emptiness trip. And that is what my mind protects…that is why I stand in my way- it’s my own twisted way of protecting myself from the unspeakable.

So now what do I do? That is the million dollar question. Any answers?

7-16...a little poem that I have written that kind of goes with what I've been talking about:

I Surrender
I surrender this anger,
I let go of this life.
I’ve let go of this perfection
That I used to call my world.

As to me, it finally did occur,
That the only perfection I lived in
Was that of the brilliant lie
I lived throughout my days.

Forever I did pretend,
Thought everything was just fine.
No problems here,
No cracks in this suit of armor.

But look there is a bend,
A snap and a crumbling-
And there lays what used to me,
Lying there broken and shattered.

And so I surrender,
I let go of this life.
I’ve got nothing left to fight,
I have no reasons to stand in my way.

The great pretender-
I am no longer.
No more crimson red nights,
Or lines drawn in the sand.

Here and now I stand,
The choice before me:
The battle going back and forth,
With my surrender at my command.

7-15

So today is another day and I worked so much, it left no time for thinking. This of course, as I’ve stated in the past, has its good points and bad points.

So conclusions made today? Not many. I’m still grasping at my last rant and the choice that is looming. Because that is one choice I have to make.

I just don’t have any idea how to go about it. How to convince my stubborn ass to let go. It’s almost like a joke. I sit here wondering…have I ever let go of anything?? Well, I suppose a few things- I wouldn’t be talking to my father OR brother if I hadn’t given up a few things…like extreme anger toward the both of them.

But I’m still having trouble conceiving of what I have to let go of exactly. I mean I know for one I need to be okay with where I am and slow down. I keep re-reading my words from last night and I have never spoken truer words than the paragraph about being where I should be, and needing to stop driving forward. I can’t get much more forward!!

What is keeping me…keeping me from living a peaceful life? I guess I still don’t grasp why exactly I am standing in my way. I mean, I know as a child…staying focused in driving myself kept me alive, kept me from falling through the cracks- it kept me successful. But I never learned to stop, never learned what exactly a stopping point was and never had someone tell me to stop and take a look around…look where I’ve gotten myself.

Ugh, I have lost my focus tonight. Last night, everything seemed so clear and seamless. Then suddenly tonight, I can’t think straight. This is fucking ridiculous. I swear everything seemed so clear and now this! I just want to tear out my mind some nights. I don’t know how to explain it, how to explain why some nights I see everything so black and white, so crystal clear and then the very next night I’m trying to find any thought that makes sense.

font-family: Arial"> 7-15 (1am) VIR alert (very important rant :-)) (I thought that had a nice ring to it!)
Okay…where do I stand. It’s like I’ve drawn a line in the sand and now I’m wondering which side I should stand on.
On the one side we’ve got recovery- we’ve got a life without feeling like a loser, I’d have worth, I wouldn’t have to work so damn hard and most importantly- I’d be at peace!
Then we have the other side. I work to much, I feel like hell, I am not good enough and I’m always on edge.
Logic would most certainly tell you that the peace side would be the way to go. And I’m no dummy, I know that is the side I need to be on.

But for some reason, I am standing in the way.

I know where I need to be. But I don’t know how to get there and parts of me are unwilling to travel there. They won’t let go. It is so painful for me to let go. I don’t know how to do it. And honestly, I’ve hit the point where I need to put up (get to the other side) or shut up (retreat back to bad side). I can’t sit here in the middle,

I need to make a move.

Of course I’m frightened. First, there is the letting go…I can’t even imagine how to broach that. And then there is the ‘how do I get there.’ I wonder if there will be some event that will push me over the edge?? I thought I’d hit rock bottom so many years ago…came pretty damn close to suicide, though no attempt was actually made. Self injury was pretty bad, have the scars to show for that. And I basically went down to hell every waking moment of my life for a while there. And that- that is what pushed me to therapy. So what if that was the push to therapy etc…but…but what if some other event needs to happen to finish pushing me across that line…to finally say, ya know what I’m done with this shit.

I surrender.

I am in a fight with myself. There is the loud obnoxious voice that tells me to keep going, keep going and it will go away, I will make my goals, I will accomplish what I set out to do- I will be someone in this life. But then, I have the weaker voice telling me that that is not how its supposed to be. I need peace and happiness there too. I need to find myself and find my peace. But the other side snaps back and says no, I need to stay driven to reach my goals. So I need to figure out a way to get that side to surrender.

Geez, it’s so funny to hear myself talk like this. You think I could just say shut up and move on with my life. Give up a pointless fight and just get over myself. But it’s not that easy. For whatever reason one of the most painful things in the world is me giving up. Me surrendering. I guess I’ve been this way so long…and to really look at it- that is how I survived. My survival of my past was driving forward.

But now I am forward, now I am in a damn good position. Good school, great job, a few good friends…a place to call home. But I still drive forward, when what I really need to do is stop and just feel good that I got here. I need to convince myself that I have arrived at where I’ve always wanted to be. I’m out on my own and making it. I have two parents…count that- two. I do have a father…I do have a mother, who I just have to learn to deal with. And not just one father, but I have two, which I’m learning can co-exist.

So my task- convince myself that things are alright. My world is not upside down, I’m not alone, I’m not lost. I am where I need to be, I’m where I want to be. I’ve got the world at my feet. I can put my mind to things and get what I want.

But somewhere in the confines of my mind, I have the little voices shouting that I’m inferior…that I may fail…that I am failing. School is still up in the air…my grades aren’t the best in the world. My attention to things and follow through on projects suck. I work too much, I care too much to stop working so much. I drive myself to the ground and the moment I let up, I feel like shit. My future happiness is contingent on one course of my life, when it should be more flexible.

So many things swirling through my mind right now. And now is the time for action, for choice. So the question remains…

what will I choose?

Lyrics running through my head:

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone...

(Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change)

7-13
I found some kick ass lyrics that describe how I feel- it's from Linkin Park:

"Easier To Run"

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

7-13
Well, I think the rant below this one covered a lot.. today, I feel…lost. I know that is a funny thing to say and I keep saying it, but I don’t know of another word to desribe it. Right now, I’m reminding myself of a poem I once wrote Lost In The Mind.

And also this poem:

I get so tired
Of trying being so solid,
But now my strength has died-
I lay broken where I once was rigid.

I have no tears to weep,
I have no moments of regret,
My impulse is just too deep,
I still have an unpaid debt.

I know in my heart
That everything’s not right;
I still feel the looming of the dark,
And I’m sensing a loss in this fight.

I’ve stood up tall,
I’ve taken a beating with all I can.
Others have answered my call,
And given me a helping hand,

But its not enough.
I’m still falling without a net,
I’m just not that tough,
I just can’t forget.

I’m being eaten alive,
It’s only been slowed,
It’s constantly revived-
I’m about ready to explode!

What’s going to stop it?
What’s going to save me?
For now I just submit,
Wishing this madness I could flee.

And that’s all the rants I’ve got in me…I think I got a lot out in the rants below this one…

7-8,
Ah, I just don’t know what is going on with me. I am going back and forth, back and forth…I feel like a badly played ping pong ball. I feel very lost and alone. For a while there, I was feeling quite good and thought I had my feet back under me. But when I’m driving along the road and praying to God that someone swerve in my lane and hit me or praying to get the guts to turn the wheel to a tree…that’s when ya know some things just aren’t right. I’m up, I’m down, I’m all around and I have no real clear cut handle on anything. And that is driving me nuts.

I have decided that I am my own worst enemy. There is nobody that is being a greater impediment to my recovery than myself. I have no earthly idea who I am and thus, how in the hell do I know if I’m getting better or what direction to take or anything. So who am I? I’m a person who loves sports, loves children and loves helping other people. I like to play video games and pretty much any kind of game. I love computers, I love snuggling in my bed during a thunder storm. I love having this website and helping other people. I like learning new things, especially with psychology. I like making other people happy, I like making good grades in school. I don’t like feeling exhausted, I don’t like feelings period. I don't like being embarrassed or feeling like a loser. I don’t like my family half the time, I don’t like feeling lost. I don’t like math or getting bad grades on papers. I don’t like the feeling that I can’t concentrate, I don’t like the feeling like I’m never good enough or not reaching my potential. I don't like the dark when I can't see anything because then I think someone or something is going to get me. I don’t like being trapped, I don’t like intimacy, I don’t like myself, I don’t like how I act sometimes.
So those would be some likes and dislikes.
Now, how do I feel? I feel lost, alone and scared. I feel sad most of the time and I feel angry all the time. Occasionally I can feel happy, when I’m doing what I love or I look into the eyes of my little brothers. I hide who I am, what I feel about 99% of the time, even to people trying to help me. I wish that for once I would cry, because sometimes I feel so walled up, that I know it’d come out like Niagra Falls.

What I don’t know about my feelings is where it all comes from. I know sources of some pain, but I just can’t pin point things.

More about me: I feel like I’m never good enough. I feel no worth unless I’m producing something, doing something. I just don’t feel like I’m good enough for anyone and thus must work harder and harder.
For my mom, it feels like I’ll never be the daughter that she wants, so I’m always just trying to show her the side she’d be proud of, because heaven knows she can’t handle my other side. No matter how many things I accomplish it just seems like I have to do more to off set any bad things I’ve done/will do.
For my step father, it feels like I am never good enough because I’m not actually his. That is a sticky point b/w the two of us. He is the hardest working man I know and he provides for me big time and I always hope I am making him proud. I just hope I can do enough to make him proud.
For my real father, it is a little different. I feel good enough, but feel bad I cut him out of my life for so long…just not sure what’s going on there.
For friends, it feels like I’m not worthy of friendship because I don’t have a large amount of time for them and it’s hard for me to just drop work and go out. So I feel like a terrible friend most of the time, despite the fact that I give and give as much as I can.
For professors and other such educators, I never feel good enough because my grades clearly don’t stack up. Everyone says how smart or intelligent I am, but my freakin grades sure as hell don’t represent that and that hurts. I feel like they will think less of me because I don’t perform up to potential scholastically. Thus, I never feel good enough.
For counselors, I feel like the worst patient in the world. How do you treat someone who defeats herself? I screw-up, I’m non-compliant and just don’t get things, despite my intelligence. I’m my own worst enemy, and who would want a client like that? So yeah, I don’t even feel like I’m good enough in counseling!

Did I cover it all? Ever since last week I have felt like a fake me, like I’m just going through the motions, but not really feeling anything. I hate that. I can’t articulate how I feel, at all. I just don’t know how to speak of the war going on in my head. It’s a freakin disaster. So here, I’ll make use of my time. I can probably counter all of the above statements with rational thoughts:

With my mom- I am my own person and don’t need to be what she wants me to be. If she can’t deal with that, then that is her problem, not mine. I need to do good enough for me, not her.
With my dad- I am his daughter in his eyes and he has told me that he is proud of me. He is also my father, and it’s his responsibility to provide for me, that’s what parents do…they parent ;-)
With my real dad- It was not entirely my fault breaking off contact- I was hit from both sides and made the best decision a kid could make at the time. What’s important now is that we are talking and getting past it all.
With friends- the good ones stick by you through thick and thin and support you through stuff. The few that I do have I know are the best kind because they’ve stuck with me. And some of them have taught me the value of having fun. If I wasn’t worth it, they wouldn’t be friends with me.
With educators- not sure about that, that’s pretty much the only thought I have.
With counselors- about the same as educators.

So there, there are my freakin rational thoughts. Are they really rational? I’m not sure, but they sound rational to me. Though I know these rational thoughts the others still invade. It’s like I tell my rational self to ‘fuck off.’ It’s like I have two selves within me, constantly battling. It’s the rational side and other side. Each knows about the other and they are constantly trying to gain power in my head. I know both sides, yet can’t choose, or rather, I “know” but don’t “feel,” is a more accurate way to put it.

It is so much hard work facing yourself and all the shit that goes with it. I think about it- all my life I’ve spent my time running…and so now I’m on this uphill battle and I just keep slipping back. So many times I’ve come close to just losing myself completely. It’s so much easier just to give into the dark and just let go. But for some reason I keep fighting, even when I have no more juice left to fight, I go on. I don’t know what keeps me going. But here I am fighting as always. I just wish it wasn’t so fucking hard.

Well, this has turned into one hell of a long rant. So final thoughts: I’ve spent my life avoiding and right now it’s so damn hard to face stuff. I feel fake right now. I feel angry and sad..and I just don’t know how to get those feelings out of me. I just want to scream. I know what I used to do (hehe hence the site lol), but part of me chooses not to do that. However, I am getting closer and closer to just saying fuck it and returning to old habits that got me through the “lost” times. It’s fucking ridiculous that I am a fairly intelligent person, but I have no idea who I am, and I’m so freakin lost. I feel like a loser because of that. And hence why I’m not good enough. Look at me- I have the knowledge but here I am screwing up my life again. Yeah, real bright- go me…not.

Alright that’s enough ranting, this is long enough as it is. Take care.

7-7
I feel like I’m in a “deep” mood, but I really can’t think of anything to say. I have several courses of thought running through my brain. So I guess I will talk about each strain of thought, bare with me as I will most likely make no sense lol.

First thought: What in the Hell was I thinking/doing last week. I was so far gone it’s scary. I can’t tell you how many times I felt like putting my car through a tree, or taking a blade and having fun. I mean if you really think about it, just a flick of the wrist, for blade or car and your gone. Or at least very fucked up. Looking back to last week, I was definitely out of my mind. I was thinking all kinds of crazy shit. I shudder just thinking about it. How do I fly off the handle like that? What suddenly pushes me over the edge??? Ah, that’s enough thinking about that.

Second thought: My role in my family. I’m the kid to make my family look good. I was thinking, that to my mom, because I have become successful she probably doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. And for the life of her, she can’t figure out what I have to be depressed or anxious about. If I were to think about it, I’d say from the outside I’m pretty successful. Great job, great school, good grades, pretty self sufficient- I am doing pretty great in this world, compared to a lot of people. Yet on the inside, I’m pretty homeless and aimless. But the outside me my mom can show off to other people. I can’t tell you how many times she has told me that she talks about me all the time and how people comment about me to her etc. I know that makes her feel good because it makes her feel like she has done a good job, at least that is my perception of it. So as long as my inside me doesn’t interfere with the outside me, then she’s fine with that. My mom is a very outward person, meaning she cares a lot about looks. Though talking to you, she may convince you otherwise. So as long as I stay the “good” child, she’s fine, but the moment I crumble her perfect image, the moment I slip up and make her look like she’s done something wrong…that’s when I run into trouble with her. Lately I’ve been wondering why I get along so well with her. I wonder if it’s because I haven’t had a break down in a while. I’ve been pretty normal lately. No hospital since October, no real big fights etc. In fact, I’ve done nothing but good, from my job promotion to the work I’ve done with the kids etc. The outside me is perfectly intact with no sign of the inside me invading that territory. Ugh, who knows, maybe I’m just making this shit up and it’s not really true. Next thought please.

Third thought: I’m not sure I really had a third thought, except that I’m really tired of talking about my mom…it sounds like I’m fucking whining and it’s getting on my nerves. I won’t see her for a while, so it’s all fine and dandy, I can’t stop thinking about her and what my next move has to be- ugh I need her out of my head.

Fourth thought: I’m starting to get in a crappy mood, so I’m going to end these rants and get in a good mood.

7-6
Alright, made it through another weekend at home. I think I am definitely tired of home. It had been okay for a while, but that was just too many weekend in a row and my mom stresses me out. So I won’t be going home for a while, thank God. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just feel like being around me…too many people stress me out. Like we went to a ball game for the fourth of july and I went a little nuts because there were just too many people crowded around…just the feel of being in the middle of a crowd- yuck. Same thing in restraints…I can’t sit b/w two people or I get all freaked out. I can’t explain the feeling…just like a suffocating feeling. Oh well.

I am definitely doing better though, as everyone can tell in my rants- I pretty much flipped out. That is scary to me, because at any time I could have done something I regretted…but at the same time, that is how I know I am getting better- because I DIDN’T do something. I think in the past I would have definitely cut or downed a few pills. But I didn’t, which is a relief. This week I also bought some Vitamin E lotion and started using that…gotta get rid of these nasty scars, so let’s hope this at least fades them a little so I’m not afraid to get a tan.

Well gotta go work- later everyone!

7-3 (4:21pm)
Road maps:
Ya know, two years ago when I embarked on this journey, I looked for a road map, some guide, something to show me the way. After two years of searching, I’ve realized that it does not exist. There is nothing to say, hey look, this is the way to recover, this is the way to find yourself. It just doesn’t exist. I’ve taken so many steps forward, so many steps back, I’ve gone left, I’ve gone right, I’ve stood still. The road to recovery is most certainly not a straight line, that much I have learned. And every time I think I’ve found the right path, I inevitably take a wrong turn and have to get myself back on the path again. For example, recently I have definitely taken a wrong turn. Things were going all well and good and then all of the sudden: BOOM. Or I should say SCREECH, as I slide into a wrong turn. Therapy started to go down hill as I settled into a non-compliance route, I began to stop enjoying my job and just began to sink into another dark depression. I began to split into two people again, the outside me that everyone thinks is wonderful and the inside me which is so anger, resentful and sad that I don’t know what to do but stuff it and hope that I can find a way out of the messes I get myself in.

And so here I am. At the end of my rope again. So exhausted that I can’t see straight and I sure as hell can’t think straight. I stopped really talking to anyone, including my counselor…I just shut everyone out, because in my head that was the safe route. No more turning over ugly stones, no more forcing myself to the truth, no more trying to protect the rotten thoughts in my brain. No more fighting my defenses- which is the most difficult thing to do. Out of everything, those remain the most out of control.

But, I’m trying again to fight them and get them under control, as well as the rest of me. Today, I took the rest of the day off. I feel crappy and I’m exhausted. Granted I’m making that day up on Sunday, but at least for today I can breathe. I am even thinking of taking off a Thursday to Sunday to fly down to Ohio and mend some more broken fences with my father and brother. Why? Because as much as I’ve fought it, they are both a part of my life and I can’t deny that. And that would give me a breather, away from work and away from my family here. I love my mom etc but I’ve seen them almost every single weekend, and yes I need a break from them as well. And if I were to stay here, I would most definitely work instead of taking a break.

I don’t know if I’m on the right path again, but at least I’m coming out of the fog that I’ve found myself in these last few weeks. Now that’s not saying I might post again freakin’ out about something ;-) I am no doubt sitting in a depression, but at least for this moment in time I am calm…and for me, a moment of calmness is pretty damn good.

7-3 (daytime)
I think I am very stressed right now. The pressure of so many things, has finally gotten to me. I think this is the first time in forever that I wished I had a breather sometime soon. I work so hard all the time, that I've exhausted myself. Work isn't that bad, but it's like I don't even get a break on the weekend because I go home and that just isn't a break. Ugh, I will just pray for a break soon and hopefully I'll get one. If not, I might have to take one that is forced!

7-3 (3:00am)
Okay I am much calmer now and the one major conflict I was having is all good now. So that is resolved, now I just need to work on the rest of my fucking life lol.

7-3 (1:00am)
I am in so much conflict right now. My head has become my foe once more. I’ve entered into my nightly “Erin” bashing. Everything is just too much…it’s almost gotten me to the point where I’m incapacitated. I have about a million things to do, but I can’t do hardly any of it because my mind and body are shutting down.

7-3 (12:00am)
1, 2, 3 strikes your out. My time is up. I give in, I give up. This is ridiculous. I just don’t get a break. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t get ahead, I just can’t stay happy. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing I ever do is right. I work my ass off in everything I do, but it’s never enough for everyone. They always want more. More, more, more. Like for the kids I work with. I would do anything for any one of them. But that’s never enough either. ABA therapy (that’s what I do for these kids), is not an exact science, but it’s the best available for these kids. Sometimes progress is slow, sometimes fast etc. For two of my kids it’s slower than others, but they are making steady progress. I know that this al must be hell for the parents, but I’m not a miracle worker, just a girl trying to do her best for these kids, because that is what they deserve

So I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m caught in a stand still. It’s like I’ve reached my limit with everything, and now I just don’t know what to do. And that is what scares me so much. The last time I was like this was my first time crashing. I did everything for everyone, did everything I was supposed to do. But like everything, I reached my limit, there was no more I could do. Yet people wanted more, and down I went.

So I give up, I don’t know how to live life anymore…apparently I’ve been doing a pretty shitty job. So what do you do when you have nothing left to give?

7-2
Okay so I guess I got all my anger and frustration out in the last post, as you can tell. I am a little better now. I guess a day of working with children will do that to you. I still have this anger…this sadness lurking, but I’m a little calmer. I still feel torn. My thoughts are still raging in my head. No matter how many times I try to tell myself otherwise, I still don’t understand why I’ve crashed like I have. I just can’t shove these thoughts out of my head. I’m a bright girl, I’m a psychology student for goodness sake…yet I can’t put to good use what I know, what I’ve learned. I can’t get some stuff through my thick stubborn head.

What bothers me the most I think is my behavior during these times. Like I mentioned before- Inside I couldn’t be more fucked up, I feel so much inside, I am so angry, sad, scared and whatever the hell else…but outside I couldn’t be more pleasant to everyone. Sometimes I want to say something, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Which I’m an idiot for not saying something to help myself. But I’d rather torture myself than even think about asking another person for help. I can’t do it. I’m not someone else’s problem, just me, it’s my problem, so why should I burden someone else with such crap. I guess that’s one thing I just can’t seem to ‘unlearn.’

Well I better stop writing before my thoughts get worse. I’m brain dead tonight…tired of thinking, tired of writing…just pretty much tired of everything.

Tired of these unwanted thoughts,
Tired of these painful nights.
I close my eyes,
Hoping that when I wake
There’s the peace I’ve sought.

The never ending nightmare
Keeps me from a life,
A life worth living.
Inside I use the twilight,
To entertain my thoughts of despair.

I search the confines of my mind,
Hoping for an answer,
Hoping for a reason why,
But I just find more questions
That inevitably leave me more blind.

So now I take this pain,
And let it slip further-
Away from my destructive mouth,
Down to the heart, down to the soul
And this happiness I again begin to feign.

Though my heart will tear,
Many a tear will want to fall,
Somehow I stand myself up
And put a smile on throughout the days:
The beginnings of a dangerous affair.

Now remains hidden, all my tears,
So that I may rise each morning
Living inside my façade,
Living inside this broken dream-
Haunted by all my fears.

This affair of life and death
Leave me alone and afraid,
Each step leads me toward despair and hope,
Toward the light and the dark,
To the decision of one last breath.

This affair will be the death of me,
Whether my death be slow or fast;
Painful or painless; with crystal tears or crimson.
But all for what?
Because I couldn’t stand to be me.

7-1
My mood is very very low right now...look to the basement- it must have been lost there somehow. On a scale from one to ten, I'm a two :-/ I think my descent downward has begun. I thought I could outrun it this time, I thought I could make it...but here I am. Things normally happen in three's (the third one pushing me over the edge), and I've had one or two (not sure about the second yet) events to crash me. Gee, can't wait for the third. I hate this so badly. Why does this keep happening??? I know I shouldn't say it's not fair, but really, when I've got everything going for me...I lose it all. I hate this!!!!!!!!

These times make me think of over two years ago when I almost killed myself...should have done it then and saved myself all this shit. That's when I had the most guts to do it. Sorry I'm bitching like this...I just feel...I just can't same to get ahead. Why in the fuck do I keep getting so damned depressed. I have everything going for me, I mean everything. And here I am praying to God to kill me or give me the guts to do it myself.

I feel myself splitting again. On the outside I seem so very normal...I can smile and laugh with the best of 'em. But on the inside I"m thinking dreadful thoughts, as soon as I'm out of view of someone, my smile get's wiped off, and who the hell knows what I look like but it's not good. I'm also at the time where I can't tell anyone. There used to be people I'd tell if I was in a shitty mood, I might have even discussed why...but now I just avoid the questions and make life seem peachy. And I don't know what to fucking do about it. Especially since I don't know what precipitated all this. Every time I think things are going smoothly this shit happens. It's like my mind is protecting me from something. I get to close, nope, gotta move back...time to get way depressed again so that's all I think about then.

I'm so fucking unhappy right now and I don't know what the fuck to do about it. I am so tired of feeling this way. Hell I even let a tear slip down...well sorta, the eyes watered, but nothing fell. Shit I can't even do that right. I wish I had just done the deed way back then to save myself and everyone else this shit.

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