Live Cam from inside the Oval Office! *hee-hee*
A Day Off ???
So you want the day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week,
Leaving only 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work you have used up 170 days,
Leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year
Leaving only 68 days available.
With a hour lunch period each day,
You have used up another 48 days
Leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We offer 5 holidays per year,
So your available working time is now down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year
Which leaves you only 1 day available for work~~~
I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!!!
GOOD BOYFRIENDS: MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS
In Order to be a good boyfriend:
1. A boyfriend's biceps must be bigger than his Ear Lobes.
2. Your Boyfriend must be willing to hand over the Control of the TV remote, without sweating, swearing, squirming or extreme distortions of his face.
3. Your boyfriend must be able to remember both your first and last name, within ten minutes of watching Baywatch.
4. A boyfriend's vocabulary must include at least 20% intelligible words mixed in with the typical blend of grunts, snorts, and belches.
5. Your boyfriend should be able to defend you against at least two thugs. If you are willing to help then it should go up to six.
6. The sound level of a boyfriend eating a cheeseburger must remain under 90 decibles...unless he does it in under 6 seconds.
7. Your boyfriend must be able to name more great events in American History than episodes of the Three Stooges.
8. Your boyfriend must reserve at least 15 minutes a day for conversation that does NOT include sports, cars, Super Models, or Science fiction movies.
9. Boyfriend's must know the difference between right and wrong....you're right and they're wrong!
10. Your boyfriend must be able to detect important shifts in your emotional needs within 3 weeks of when they occur. (PMS)
11. Your boyfriend's idea of a date must on occasion include the possibility of him spending money.
12. Your boyfriend must be able to dance at least one dance OTHER than the hokey-pokey.
13. Boyfriend hair guidelines:
1) his hair must never look like a nest for rodents.
2) his hair must never look better than yours. 3) his hair must never be longer than yours
14. A boyfriend's idea of a sensitive and emotionally satisfying movie should not iclude any films with Clint, Arnold, or Bruce in it.
15. Ideally, boyfriend's should be able to dress themselves with style and flair...or at least just be able to dress themselves.
16. You must not be able to smell your boyfriend's breath beyond a radius of 4 feet.
Failed Hallmark Card Ideas: 1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one...
I got real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get
well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked
at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's
a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at
the bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret
about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't
have installed... Win'95.
9. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it
was... that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life...
Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.
The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
People who are willing to get off their butts to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the phone, says hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life insurance!" Excuse me? How did Patrick find the time to tell you this? You barely breathed between "Hello" and "It's Patrick". And why the hell do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do you people play pictionary over the phone often?
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No buttnose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when ask where the bathroom is?
Desperate Blonde:
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an
affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds
it to her own head.
The husband, begging and pleading with her not to shoot
herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're
next !"
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self Respect for others Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray -- there's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up
together
at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into
Heaven,
they
would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the
ship
that
crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The
teacher
answered
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the
gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't
REALLY need
all
the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the
question a
little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for
him,
the
trash
man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's
right!
You
may
enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress,
taking
another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was
slowly
sliding
down his chair and under the table,with the woman acting unconcerned.
The
waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of
sight
under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared
calm and
unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.After
the
waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and
said
to the
woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under
the
table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't.
He just walked in the door."
The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by
those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was
a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and
another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe
yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh
was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent
years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
