Letters to the Chintzes
by Susan Lange
(Note from the editors: This story's format differs from the others in that it is written as a series of communications back and forth between the main characters rather than being a standard narrative. As you can see, it's also presented differently to help strengthen this distinction. At the end of each letter you'll find a link carrying you to the next. For your convenience at the bottom of each page is a set of links to the rest of the pages the magazine has to offer. Enjoy.)
— Transcript: VOICE LETTER —
Date Received: 218–13–49
Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? (high pitched squeal of feedback) Oh, guees so.
Right.
(throat clearing)
(throat clearing)
As per information ascertained from officials at the CBD on PM in the
C... uh ... SS, in precisely the same manner a virus causes plain
old-fashioned rabies, "POR," on Earth, the salvia foamis L.
contracted by your daughter effects madness, foaming of the mouth,
and a general havoc-wreaking by the sufferer, as well as uncontrolled
scratching and tearing of his or her own flesh. Unlike said POR,
however; RLIF does not result in death and is treatable. In light of
these facts, the UPSE has required that Lt. Chintz be moved to said
CBD in the PM of CSS.
(double throat clearing)>
I am sorry, I repeat, sorry, to have to bring you this official news.
This is Commander First ...uh...,...uh,...First...Commander...Shank
of the UPS, er ...E , officially signing off.
— End transmission —
To: Parents of Lt. Victoria P. Chintz
From: Desk of Cmdr. Jun Shank, UPSE
Subject: Lt. Victoria P. Chintz
Mr. and Mrs. Chintz, This is First Commander, Jun Shank, speaking to
you from the headquarters of the United Planets for Space
Exploration. The UPSE wishes to extend its official, uh, concern and
profound regret in regards to your daughter, Lt. Victoria P. Chintz.
As Lt. Chintz's commanding officer, I'd like to add my personal
sympathies to you for the fact that, although your daughter is alive
and physically healthy, I am sorry to have to officially inform you
that she will not be returning home to you at the end of her tour as
per the official plan in which she had previously been ordered to
operate in...uh...under.
At 1500, on 13–35, while performing official reconnaissance
maneuvers on far planet Angiospur, Lt. Chintz encountered a small
mammal-like animal, known on said planet as a "stony-eyed lesser
thorax," which upon said encounter, immediately carried out an
unprovoked attack. Lt. Chintz responded appropriately and efficiently
and fought off the animal to the best of her abilities, which, I
would like to assure you, are commendable. Unfortunately, during the,
uh, ensuing altercation, Lt. Chintz sustained multiple skin wounds
inflicted through the use of the Type 1 incisors with which the
thorax is armed. Through said infliction, said thorax, which was
suffering from a disease known as "rabid-like itchy fever,"
transmitted the viral component (salvia foamis L.) of said
disease to said daughter who has now contracted said RLIF herself.
Upon said transmission, she was immediately remanded to the Center
for Brain Diseases on Planet Medulla in the Ceres... Solar... System
(CBD on PM in the, uh, CSS) and is there now as I am speaking.
The CBD in ... uh, that is, on, PM ... in the CSS has been ordered to
commandeer a full recovery of Lt. Chintz and you will be apprised of
her progress from that quarter on a need-to-know basis. She will be
returned to you following an official full recov. Any information you
should require regarding this, er, situation can be secured through
dialogue with the CBD in PM on the SCC, oh hell! CS... uh, S.
