I think Oprah Winfrey got fat just to get thin again and get ratings. Well newsflash, Opera: gettin' thin doesn't make you any less of a bitch.

The next time your teacher asks you a question and you don't know the answer, say "Jesus. Jesus is always the answer." What do you say to that, anyways?

Someone's blind when they can't see, deaf when they can't hear, but what are they when they can't taste? I'll tell you what: up shit creek.

There's an ACT test, a PLAN, test, a CAT, test, and a SAT test. Next time, I want there to be a TEST test. It just makes more sense, doesn't it?

Stop saying "the sky" when I ask you what's up. It wasn't funny the first time.

Why don't they have those National BBQ Rib Cookoff's in MY TOWN?!?!

What COULD be greater than golf with a gator?

The person who invented bowling was probably just trying to break something.

I already gave peace a chance. It sucked.

The pig has got to be the most useful animal ever. They're cute, fun to watch, and some are even smart enough to save you if your house is on fire. Plus you can EAT them.

There are people out there who have sex with dolphins on a regular basis. I can't be that weird.

I don't think there's anything more humiliating than being mistaken for your mom on the phone.

If bees can dance, why do we just assume other animals can't?

Some dog treats aren't even that bad, really.

It's fun to imagine what the "Smell No Evil", "Taste No Evil", and "Touch No Evil" monkeys look like.

Sure, we have glass eyes, but have we ever experimented with any other glass body parts?

Someone should research what makes hot dogs still sound good even after we know what's in them.

When do you stop putting a candle for each year on someone's birthday cake? I say if you're running out of room, you just need a bigger cake.

I must be the white kind of black.

Whoever first thought of recycling probably got the idea from a hot dog.

When deciding whether to say it "rez-oom-ay" or "rez-um-ay", just think about which one has more class. Easy choice now, isn't it?

The best writers in the world live in Japan, because they found a way to make small pieces of raw fish sound delicious enough for people to pay good money to eat them.

When do we get the ability to hear ourselves think? My guess is right when we become a parent.

You're not a vegetarian if you don't eat meat because you don't like the taste. You're a prick.

When will people realize phooseball is a sport too?

How can soy sauce contain that much sodium without being pure salt?

For all we know, Noah forgot a couple of animals. Oh well, too late now.

Any song that manages to have "coo coo cachoo" in it is a great song in my book.

Pretty soon there will be no more rainforests, only raintrees.

Slow motion makes anything better.

I don't think any of us would recognize Ronald McDonald without his makeup and clownsuit on, which makes me feel bad for him, because everyone loves a clown, but nobody loves the real him.

"Assuming" makes an "ass" out of "u" and "Ming."

If I were in a TV show, I'd be the reluctant sidekick whose luck always turns sour during his wacky exploits. I know I sound boring, but I'd be funny when I'd cover my eyes and say, "Oh gawrsh!"

I think the real question is, how did he ever think he was STRAIGHT?

Whoever named vitamins really dropped the ball. Honestly, was "Vitamin A" the best they could do? At least Vitamin B12 got a number thrown on after it.

No matter how bad life gets, you always have your face. Unless, in some freak accident, you end up losing most of it, or it's deformed. Then you got nothing.

Only I can prevent forest fires.

I think the first person to call it a "sea cucumber" was probably the first person to try eating it.

No matter how old you are, I still hate math.

What if you opened a container of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" and inside was pure e-bola? Could you sue the company? I think they're OK so long as there's no butter in there.

Guns don't kill people. Knives kill people. Or sometimes something else, like a long fall or cancer, kills people. Or a maybe strange mix of all three. The more I think about it, guns kill people too.

I think we should name more diseases after the people who first got them, like we did with Lou Gehrig, because "Amelia the Prostitute on 3rd Street's Disease" has a real ring to it.

If I ever invent a kooky cross between the television and the phone, I think I'd call it the 'telephone.'

If Curious George is so curious, how come he STILL doesn't know the Man in the Yellow Hat's name?

If a man ever ran into the room on fire, flapping his arms around and screaming in pain, it's probably a good idea to leave that room.

When exploring the arctic tundra, lost in a blizzard and running low on supplies and hope, how long do you think you'd last before murdering and eating your companions? I think I could go a good 10 minutes. Unless, of course, one of them was really pissing me off.

How come a sink never sinks, a shrink never shrinks, sneakers never sneak, and beakers never 'beak?' The world may never know...

Oscar the Grouch probably wouldn't be so damn grouchy if he didn't live in a garbage can.

The next time you get annoyed because you can't get a song out of your head, just think of what the SONG has to go through. See, it's really not so bad..

Anatomically speaking, the way to a man's heart is really through his veins, not his stomach. So maybe next year, on Valentine's Day, your significant other would appreciate a hit of heroin.

Am I the only person who's a little curious about how they named the "Oh Henry!" bar?

Isn't "aquamarine" a little redundant?

How they cram all that graham?

They say what we can make up can never be funnier than reality, but I have yet to see anyone go on a baby punching spree.

We've got red ketchup, green ketchup, and purple ketchup. Why not yellow ketchup? Everyone would think it's mustard and pour it on thick. One bite and uh oh! Just think of the laughs!

Yeah, I DID see it, and "Ni!" still isn't funny.

Someone should make a movie about a honeymoon for two necrophiliacs, where the bride and groom keep trying to kill each other. It'd be a comedy.

Before they burn, I'll bet they think the kid with the magnifying glass is just trying to understand ant life.