The news was the first reality show. The worst one by far, showing things even Fear Factor won't eat.
Want to hear the news, but not from a biased reporters point of view? Then choose The Daily Screw for all your complete news needs. 100% true and reliable, we here at The Daily Screw tell you how the news affects you, and how it screws you over. Frequently updated to keep you informed. We do not take any credit for reporting this news, for we just read it out of a news paper and type it down with our down to earth truth. Be forewarned, we at The Daily Screw grew up on porn and often make numerous references. So don’t forget to pay a visit to some of our illustrious inspirations. All you have to do is go to your favorite search engine and type some of these simple words: Wanks ‘R’ Us; The Beauty and the Beastiality; Hardy Hards; Feeling Titish; The Good, The Bad, and The Horny; Barnyard Fun; The New York Thighs; Withdrawal the Rods; and Deeply Driven to the MAX; to name a few.
NEWS FOR AUGUST 9, 2003
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Thousands have died in mass suicides after seeing the movie Gigli. Hundreds of others fled to their homes to commit suicide. A few have been wounded by objects being thrown in the movie theater at the screen by angry civilians behind them. And one person liked the movie, then was summarily shot in public. |
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It seems now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not the only celebrity to say that they will be a candidate for the governor of California. Gary Coleman, Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt, and porno star Mary Carey are just some of the 200 people in California that are now running. Early popularity polls say that there is a steady increase in male activity in the election due to Mary Carey. Also, one elderly woman from Kansas supports Gary Coleman. |
NEWS FOR AUGUST 6, 2003
| Arnold Schwarzenegger stated that he will run for the governor of California after the previous governor, Gray Davis, was booted out of office in a recall election. Arnold also stated that he will rule with ferocious republican pow-wah, and that the whole system would tremble before his massive muscles. He also remarked that the citizens need not worry about the onslaught of Skynet and any other cybernetic activity. |
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A new spacecraft has been chosen to explore Mars. In 2008 Phoenix will land on Mars and dig a three foot trench to examine any permafrost, or water resources. If found, then NASA will spend billions on figuring out how we can live three feet underground. |
NEWS FOR JULY 28, 2003
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Bob Hope died this morning at the age of 100. He will be missed by many Americans and others from around the world. Though many stupid kids and adults don't know who he is. Their loss, for comedy would not be where it is without him. |
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Without much delay after the war in Iraq, George Bush sends troops into Liberia to fight in something in no way affecting us at all. Perhaps he is looking into biological weapons being manufactured from the AIDS ridden Liberian people. This just shows you how stupid our president is, he can't even pick a faster disease to use. |
NEWS FOR JULY 24, 2003
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Kobe Bryant's charge of sexual assault on a young woman is still the big talk in the media. This is mostly due to the fact that the video of the incident is being sold for $149.95 across the country. So many people can't believe that price, it's such a rip-off! |
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This was a slow news day for us at The Daily Screw. We couldn't find the local paper we take our article from, so we didn't have much. We'll get the paper thieves though, America may rest easy tonight! |
NEWS FOR JULY 23, 2003
| On Tuesday, July 22: Saddam's Sons Odai and Quasai were killed. The U.S. celebrates this achievement by forgetting about Saddam and Osama, and watching the Tour de France. |
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A new study show that masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer. Just after this was announced, all hand lotion manufacturers showed a boost in sales.. |
| In Beijing China, a 6.2 magnitude earthquake kills 16, and injures 400. The good news is because it's China; 32 more people popped up to take their place. |
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