Candice

• Candice loves to eat

  • Her favorite food are lollipops

    • except the lollipops she likes don’t have tootsie roll centers

• she also likes to drink

  • Shares in Jack Daniels dropped 12% when she got her liver disease.

• When Candice came back to Outback, she had to bring two social security numbers.  One for her, one for her ass.

• Her ass is so disproportionate that when she stands in front of the tv I miss 58 of the 60 minutes.

• Candice is more irritable than the snatch of an East Cleveland prostitute

• If you tied a string onto each one of her ass cheeks and painted them neon little kids would want to buy them.  “Mommy I always wanted a giant ballon.”

• Is she planning on hibernating?

  • It looks like she wrestled sasquatch with a coat of crazy glue on her arms.

• When Luis and Candice were dating he constantly complained about her breath.

  • Which is ironic because his breath smelled like rotten catfish

    • which is also ironic because he complained that her twat smelled rotten catfish

• I could always tell Luis just had sex when he smelled like he just went on a nature hike

• Last week Candice was disappointed to find out that the only thing Sam’s club doesn’t carry are industrial strength deusch bags

• Everytime she visits her grandpa at the nursing home all the geriatrics compliment how well she pulls off wearing a diaper.

• Candice is what you get when KD Lang invites the seven dwarves over and they masturbate on her toilet seat cover.

  • Do you think she was born with that lesbian haircut?

• Candice also loves icecream

  • Well we have some ice cream for you tonight

  • I don’t think your going to like the flavors of each of the scoop we have to give you tonight

Duffy

• The flavor of our opening act is softserve

• The only thing more relaxed than Jason Duffy’s attitude is his dick.

  • And from what I hear have sex with him is like masturbating with a bean bag

• Watching Jason prepare a drink order for a table helps me believe in evolution.  In his case he’d be the guy behind ape man on the evolution scale. (scratch head)

Angelo

• 100,000 sperm and You were the fastest?

  • I think your Dad had too many cocktails that night

• The last time Angelo had sex he sprained his wrist.

Michelle

• Before I got married I had to prepare for 3 rings

  • The engagement ring

  • The wedding ring

  • And the suffer-ring

Kyle Wells

• Good god what is that on your neck?  It’s so big and round.

  • It looks like the mold for one of Candice’s ass cheeks.

• Kyle is Gary’s only friend he was able to turn gay without having to move in with him

• Kyle was actually thinking of moving in with Candice

  • Which works for Candice, because the only men who can resist access to a cheap lay are gay

• She keeps telling Kyle keeps beating around the bush.

  • If its Candice’s bush we’re talking about, he’s got a long ways to go.

Bruce

• He's just a pair of glasses short of being Booger from The Revenge of The Nerds

• What’s a mother’s worst nightmare?

  • Hi, I’m Bruce I’m going to be your child’s babysitter.

  • I brought my rusty nail playset and my bong

• I’m sure she’d scream longer than one of Bruce’s ticket times.

• What’s an Outback customer’s worst nightmare?

  • Bruce waddling out in his oversized white grease stained t-shirt, Hi, I’m Bruce, I just cooked your food

  • Bruce looks like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds

• Those car air fresheners work wonders

Nick the ex-busser

• What’s all this attitude about man

  • It’s not my fault you can’t get on all the good rides at Disney

• Speaking of which, the only thing that’s scene more lines than Disney is Nick’s nose.

John Ruediger

• If I owned John’s trailer and Hell I would rent out his trailer and live in hell.

• What's the most popular pick up line in where John lives?
  Nice tooth

• How can you tell if someone in John’s family is married?
  There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

• How many John Ruedigers does it take eat a 'possum?
  Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

• Euthanasia doctors just invented a way for a massive suicide.  People gather together in a hall and John Ruediger tells everybody stories.

  • 9 out of 10 euthanasia doctors recommend it

• John spoke at the Gary Roast.  While he was speaking everyone kept grabbing and looking at their wrist.  I wasn’t sure if they were checking the time or for their pulses.

  • At the Joel roast they were definitely checking for pulses

• Ladies and gentlemen, bring out the embalming table, John Ruediger is up next

Gary

• Gary invited me to go to his family reunion and I felt out of place.  I seemed to have forgot some things.  I was the only one who didn’t bring a butt plug or astroglide.

• On paper, Gary has the work efficiency of a quadripalegic.

• He’s the thorn, the appendix, the frivolous detail.

• In essence, he’s the sandwich without the meat.

  • He’s the lunch you settle with when you run out of everything else.

  • A bread sandwich.

  • Just admit it Tracy this bread’s out of date

• As we are all aware of, Gary was not built like normal humans

  • For instance his ears don’t work like ours do.

    • in fact, they don’t work

    • They were created as handlebars for Keelie to hold on to

    • Now I know what she meant when she demanded for him to warm up her engine after work

• Anyone here curious to see what Mr. Bean would look like if he were mauled by a rottweiler.  Gary, you mind standing up and smiling at everybody

• I don’t know how natural selection hasn’t weeded Gary out yet.  He’s the only guy I know that sacrificed hot water and a telephone to buy the first two seasons of Dilbert and John Madden 2005.

Last Ditch Effort

• Gary explained to me that his band was playing a big venue

• And that he was headlining

• How the hell did this happen?

  • Was the opening act a second grader playing hot crossed buns on the recorder

  • And the act before them an eighth grader doing arm pit sounds?