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The Candice Sketch |
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for the Candice Roast |
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Thank you Julianne and Gary for participating. Elai was supposed to play Wall, but I think he forgot where he was. The sketch went pretty well. Especially since we really did not have time to rehearse. Scene one reveals how (surprise) Candice can be a bitch. Togo ho comedy. She can't take all the phone questions she gets by placing togo orders. It's hard to deal with... really... well sort of... The second scene reveals some of her explosive relationship with Luis. He starts flirting with someone else, and you know what happens next. Sean Candice Roast sketch
Scene 1 setup tables arranged like togo room Telephone in middle of table Magazine down on table “Candice” and “Carla” situated facing each other and audience room is dark, no lights flashlight ready room lights ready
Begin (telephone rings) (flashlight lit on phone after it rings) (Candice picks up the phone and then the lights in the hall are HIT)
Candice (pick up phone) Yeah this is Candice. Talk to me. (attitude) (pauses to listen) Yeah… This IS togo, so what do you want already (pause to listen) (from bitch to pleasant in a bi-polar fashion) Well, do you want to add cheese and bacon with that (pause to listen) (happy) Good choice! (overly nice) Well you can come to pick that up in 20 minutes. (hangs up the phone, looking away, smiling and immediately turns to the bitch from hell face) What…a…..CUNT! Carla (concerned) All she did was order, WHAT the HELL is WRONG with You? Candice (PISSED) I don’t get ANY respect here. Carla (Irritated) WHY?! Because the CUSTOMERS ask YOU QUESTIONS?! Candice (Sits down facing audience on table and pulls a magazine over her that reads ‘How to deal with your disproportionately large ass) I am a POLICE DISPATCHER? Carla (Irritated) Do you give the CAR ACCIDENT VICTIMS attitude TOO because they ASK you QUESTIONS? Candice (Pulls magazine down from her eyes) YOU don’t UNDERSTAND…. I have a BADGE!! Carla (Snapping back) What the hell for? (Slower) They are on the PHONE and DYING. I don’t think their going to COME DOWN and CHECK YOUR BADGE! (END SCENE ONE- PLAY TRACK “because I got high” for transition)
Candice sketch scene TWO Setup same setup Have song play for 10 seconds Candice will pick up the phone “Luis” has to get ready to enter Luis (Enter from back of hall, door sound) (Comes rolling in with a gritty beard and a tag of back and front saying ‘Luis’ and a bike helmet with the strings dangling as a cheap effect) Candice (Does not notice Luis entered) Luis (Immediately goes up to Carla and starts flirting) (Shitty charm) Hey Carla baby what’s up? You ever fooled around with DOO DOO BUTTER before? Carla (Unsure of what is going on) Uh not really?! Candice (Just noticed what is going on, pissed) What the hell is wrong with you? You said you’d stop doing this shit. Luis (Shitty charm as he approaches Candice with arms out, feeling bad) Hey BABY, I’m sorry, CUMMON’ give LUIS a BIG OL’ SLOPPY KISS! Candice Don’t touch me Luis (as she backs up) LUIS, I HATE you! WALL (Belligerent) 86 the TOUCHING in the workplace. WOOF! ARGGGLLLLL! Luis (Bright idea) Hey baby, tell you what, I’ll try to guess your weight for your forgiveness?? Candice HELL…. Luis (cuts her off) 190 pounds Candice What? Not EVEN…. Luis 210?! Candice I’m definitely not forgiving you Luis I (pause) JUST figured your ass alone weighed 100 pounds. Candice Why don’t you go make an ass out of yourself somewhere else. I know, YOU should SHIT your PANTS again, throw your boxers in the dumpster and go back to work.. Luis Hey, I wiped up, It was ALL GOOD….
(END SKETCH) (AT END OF LUIS talking, PLAY TRACK 1 “Intergalactic”) (In this time Sean has to change his clothes) |
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Kramertime is written and originally produced by Sean Kramer. He retains copyright to all of the creative content provided. Of course, that would be open to interpretation, assuming it were creative. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy a slice of my sick little mind. |
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