Conker, Condoms and Alcohol

Publisher: Nintendo Developer: Rare Buy Now 

Where do these saints come from? Creator's of Conker: BFD where have

you been in the five years since Super Mario 64 was released? We've had

to endure many so-so games from Rare such as Jet Force Gemini, DK64 and Mickey Speedway

to name a few. Although there were many greats along the way like Banjo-Kazooie, Goldeneye and

Diddy Kong Racing nothing seemed to match the sheer brilliance of Super Mario 64. Then as if at the

end of the great war the greatest soldier emerges like a dragon from a sea of flames to push the tired and

torn front to victory. Words will never do a game like Conker justice. Welcome Nintendo's greatest

character since Mario with open arms for he is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever! Now

my friends get a nice cold beer and gather around the screen for my most in-depth review ever. Conker,

condoms and alcohol. 

Gameplay

What did it mean when Rare released all those platformers and racers to us over the last few years?

It meant that we, the greedy consumer, will get the perfect game with all the best features from past games

present. Conker's Bad Fur Day starts in the "Cock & Plucker" bar with our furry protagonist downing a few

drinks with his buddies. After a few cut scenes we escape to the streets where Conker stumbles out of the tavern

and hurls onto a weird monk. After assuring the man of his of misuse bodily fluids Conky finds himself at a crossroads

that leaves him confused as to where the hell he is. We finally wake up in a grassy field next to a fenced in garden. Instead

of your normal quirky controlled "platform character" Conker has a massive hangover and clumsily stumbles left and

right making it hard for the player to control his movements. Eventually we arrive in the garden to meet a scarecrow

named "Birdy" who seems a little under the sun as well. After exchanging words of informative gameplay issues

Conker steps onto the specially marked "B" pad otherwise known as the "Context-Sensitive" pad. As Birdy would

put it it is sensitive to context. When Conky is on the pad a light bulb "dings" above his head indicating that we must

perform some kind of action. Not to difficult, right? Just push "B" and voila! Conker pulls out a cup of water

and a pill, which he downs, relieving him of his hangover. This is only the beginning. Like in real life it is required

to become inebriated in the game in order to accomplish goals. A good example is the "fire imps" stage. Conker

arrives at the presence of several problematic fire imps smoking Cubans and drinking from a huge tap. For the imps

to be defeated Conker must drink from the keg, which immediately hammers the hell out of him. While you control

Conker towards the dragons he is falling backwards and forwards increasing the difficulty level a bit. Once you're close

enough to the demons it is time to whip it out and let it spray. Conker pulls his willie out and pisses all over the fiery imps

thus defeating them. (For the time being) This is hands down the most innovative game I've played since my last

outing with the pudgy plumber. The scenarios will not only keep your interest but make you want even more. The

game has a wonderful pace never missing a beat. My friend sat next to me watching the game from start to finish

and didn't move a muscle. This game is special. Conker controls himself beautifully as well with tight turns and

fluid jumps. Along the journey he'll learn a few new moves as well as make tons of money. Ah yes, I forgot to mention

that. The game involves no tedious item collecting like other Rare platformers. In BFD all that is required by

players is to solve puzzles and cream bosses to earn a bit of extra cash. And if you're thinking the cash is

a smart way of disguising a form of collection then you're wrong. Money is fairly easy to obtain and does not

involve an arduous process. The game is not your usual platformer either. It constantly moves in a forward direction

and doesn't require any "going back into old levels" shit. I'll venture to say that Conker is my favorite Nintendo

mascot due to his incredibly developed personality. When I'm not playing Conker I'm thinking about playing it. When

I'm playing it I'm enthralled in the colorful world and not paying attention to the mundane outside life. (Real world. Not as

fun) My last topic of gameplay is the levels themselves. Remember running through the delightful snow levels in Mario 64 

and thinking how sophisticated these worlds are? As I played BFD running through Poo Land I was overwhelmed with

the level of intelligence that went into the design of these levels. Awesome is all I can say. Rolling a ball of shit up a hill

to crush a giant dung beetle? Hmmm, sound familiar? No? Of course. That's because you've been playing your PS2. In

Conker's BFD each level is given loads of detail and excitement that never grow old. Even the first level isn't gigantic but 

has so much substance you wouldn't even notice. Can you imagine collecting "tickly bees" to tickle a hot flower so you

can jump on her huge tits just to grab some hard to reach cash? Not only that but a giant "king bee" takes the 

opportunity to "pollinate" her while she is in her hysterical state. You should stop reading this now and buy the damn

game. That is of course if you're 17 years of age or older. Later on in the review I'll give the whole run down on how to

throw the biggest and best "Bad Fur Day" party. Thank you Rare. You have outdone yourself. 

Graphics

All I have to say is, who needs a PS2 now? Wow! When you see just how beautiful Conker is you'll think twice about

buying that fat cow of a system. This is the best the N64 has done. I mean it. DK64 looked great as did Banjo-Tooie and

Majora's Mask but nothing like this. This is something you would see on one of the better games on Dreamcast. Conker 

himself is very detailed and has several facial expressions to everything happening around him. When he runs his face 

changes to a look of angst and determination. In another scenes his eyes pop out of his head when the giant 

terminator-esque bail of hay emerges from the flames. He'll look in the direction of items or other characters when you

near them and even look at you if you get close enough. My favorite graphical feature would have to be the Matrix scene

with Berri, Conker's Girlfriend, dressed in a tight black reflective suit. It shows how detailed each character is especially 

Conker

and the other main cast members. The lighting is equally as brilliant with sweet effects in the "Rock Solid Club", which

is the equivalent to a rave. It won't get better than this on the N64 and it doesn't need to. 

Sound

Where do I start. Let me put it this way. I hooked this up to my friends Dolby Surround system along with his 12" sub

and I've never been so impressed with sound in a game or movie. Uh, who needs a CD to have perfect sound? Not this

game. I'm serious, if you have seen the film Saving Private Ryan and liked the sounds of war then this will floor you. Crisp

and clear sounds along with wonderful speech make this THE best game I've played on the N64 and ANY other next

gen system. The voice acting is very well performed and will make you laugh your arse off and cry your furry little eyes

out. The best example of how damn nice the music is would have to be the techno song inside the rave. Just sit there for

a bit and listen to this wonderful composition as well as witness Conky dance for you. Not only is this great music it is

better than any music of the same genre not in game. I've never heard bass this deep in my life. Rare knows what's up

when it comes to sound. If you remember how great the music in Jet Force Gemini and Goldeneye and multiply that

quality time ten then you still won't be close. It's that good. 

Longevity

My only complaint is I want more. More more more more. As soon as the ending credits finished I started a new

game because I didn't want to leave Conker's illustrious world. The game is not very long equaling about 14-16 hours

of single player gameplay. That's not bad considering Paper Mario is around 20 hours of play. Not only that but I didn't

even mention the multiplayer. Put away you copy of Perfect Dark and Goldeneye you won't be needing them for awhile.

Before I even started the solo mission my friend and I sat for a good five hours and played Conker's impressive multiplayer

features. Our immediate favorite was, of course, "Beach" followed by "War" leaving straight deathmatching as a desert.

We cranked the sound and went to war never looking back. Get in your car and get yourself to the nearest software

store and say, "Suck my balls and give me Conker!". Once again thank you Rare. You have made my year a wonderful

one. 

Overall: 100%

-Evil Romero

Now I'll tell you how to throw the best goddamn Conky party on the block.

Conker's Bad Fur Day Party

Note: Must be at least 17 to drink alcohol in the United States of America

Pictures

Pictures courtesy of www.rareware.com and www.tendobox.com.