BECOMING A MAN: THE BIG GIG // secret men's business - manhood: the big gig (john marsden)

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11. Don't Have Heroes
When you 'worship' a hero, you're saying that he's better than you. And as if that's not bad enough, you might even be saying that he's perfect.
Right away there's two good reasons you shouldn't have heroes.
People who 'worship' others have something lacking in themselves, something missing in their own make-up. They lack confidence. The truth is that everyone in the world, including you, is complex mixture of good and bad, strength and weakness. You may steal something from a shop one minute, but the next minute you sponsor your mate in the 40 Hour Famine, for more than you can really afford. You may be excellent at Art but hopeless at Maths, brilliant at writing lyrics for a band at school but a disaster at football.
Do you really imagine your hero is any different? He might be a genius at football but hopeless with relationships; he might be a guitar legend who selfishly hogs the limelight; he might be a top actor but a chronic liar as well.
Inevitably one day you'll read a newspaper article showing that your hero is actually a violent psychopath despised by all who know him, or a show-off, or a cheat.
What is OK is to respect good qualities and good deeds by other people. So I admire the courage of Pastor Kolbe, who in World War II took the place of an innocent man condemned to death by the Germans; I like the music of Bob Marley; I respect the art of Brett Whiteley; I'm impressed by the cricketing skills of Sir Donald Bradman. At the same time I'm aware that Marley and Whiteley were wrecked by drugs, and some of Bradman's team-mates considered him a selfish player.
It's equally immature to make heroes out of people you know. Fathers, uncles, brothers, students at your school: for all their fine qualities they still don't qualify as heroes. Be satisfied with enjoying their company and appreciating their achievements. Recognise that you have many fine qualities yourself. There are lots of people who enjoy and appreciate what you have to offer.
If that's not the case, if you are unpopular, then there are reasons for that. It would be more helpful to look at those reasons than to spend your time admiring the false images you have constructed in your mind of other people. I'll come back to that later in this book.

12. Give
Giving is one of the greatest pleasures of being an adult.
Sure, a kid can give, but his opportunities are severely limited. He mightn't have the skills to make anything too dazzling, he probably doesn't have the strength to do a lot of stuff for others, he usually doesn't have much money for presents, and often when he does he knows the money isn't really 'his', it came from his parents.
An adult has the skills and strength: he's also more likely to have the time and money.
My first real experience of giving came when I was about 17. During school holidays I occasionally went on Meals-on-Wheels, helping to deliver meals to old people who were in their homes but unable to take proper care of themselves. For many of these people the Meals-on-Wheels volunteers were the only visitors they saw. They welcomed the food, but even more, they valued the social chat.
For me it was a chance to see a different world, a world I hadn't known existed. I was interested in the stories the old people told of their lives. I felt good about the value they placed on our visits.
Since then there have been periods of my life where I've done quite a lot for others and periods where I haven't done nearly enough. Particularly satisfying, though, have been the times when I've worked in the so-called 'helping professions'. The time I spent in hospitals, and the time I spent teaching, were easily the most satisfying jobs I've had.
You can give your time, to volunteer work. You can give your money. An old Christian tradition is 'tithing': the idea that you give 10 per cent of your income away. I remember reading a bit of advice somewhere, that you should give 10 per cent, save 10 per cent, and spend the rest.
You can give presents. These don't have to be bought in shops. You can give someone a poem you've written or copied out for them, maybe on an unusual surface, like bark or a shoe or paper you've made. You can give jewellery you've created out of a beautiful stone you found in a river, or at the beach. You can give flowers or a pot plant that you've grown from seed. Make a tape of their favourite songs. Record a piece of music that you play yourself; better still, one that you've composed yourself.
Another great gift is a promise: to mow the lawn for a year or write a letter to the person every fortnight, or clean the windows every month.
As with most things in life, being creative is a definite bonus.
These presents will be highly valued, and you'll feel pretty damn pleased when you see the pleasure your gifts have brought.
There's a lot to becoming a man. It's a huge challenge. Even huger if you don't know any men who are mature. If there's no men close to you who are setting a strong example you'll have to do it on your own. But that's OK. It's been done by others and it can be done again. By you.
Just to make it harder though, there are even more points that I haven't covered here, because they're kind of obvious. Things like:
Being self-disciplined
Respecting the rights of others
Working hard
Staying fit

The good news is that you can do it. You have it within you to become a man in the true sense of the word. Remember, it's not a race. You can spend a few years on it. At the end of the journey you can take your place in your community, as an adult to be respected, a person to whom others will come for advice, a leader.

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11. Don't Have Heroes When you 'worship' a hero, you're saying that he's better than you. And as if that's not bad enough, you might even be saying that he's perfect. Right away there's two good reasons you shouldn't have heroes. People who 'worship' others have something lacking in themselves, something missing in their own make-up. They lack confidence. The truth is that everyone in the world, including you, is complex mixture of good and bad, strength and weakness. You may steal something from a shop one minute, but the next minute you sponsor your mate in the 40 Hour Famine, for more than you can really afford. You may be excellent at Art but hopeless at Maths, brilliant at writing lyrics for a band at school but a disaster at football. Do you really imagine your hero is any different? He might be a genius at football but hopeless with relationships; he might be a guitar legend who selfishly hogs the limelight; he might be a top actor but a chronic liar as well. Inevitably one day you'll read a newspaper article showing that your hero is actually a violent psychopath despised by all who know him, or a show-off, or a cheat. What is OK is to respect good qualities and good deeds by other people. So I admire the courage of Pastor Kolbe, who in World War II took the place of an innocent man condemned to death by the Germans; I like the music of Bob Marley; I respect the art of Brett Whiteley; I'm impressed by the cricketing skills of Sir Donald Bradman. At the same time I'm aware that Marley and Whiteley were wrecked by drugs, and some of Bradman's team-mates considered him a selfish player. It's equally immature to make heroes out of people you know. Fathers, uncles, brothers, students at your school: for all their fine qualities they still don't qualify as heroes. Be satisfied with enjoying their company and appreciating their achievements. Recognise that you have many fine qualities yourself. There are lots of people who enjoy and appreciate what you have to offer. If that's not the case, if you are unpopular, then there are reasons for that. It would be more helpful to look at those reasons than to spend your time admiring the false images you have constructed in your mind of other people. I'll come back to that later in this book.
12. Give Giving is one of the greatest pleasures of being an adult. Sure, a kid can give, but his opportunities are severely limited. He mightn't have the skills to make anything too dazzling, he probably doesn't have the strength to do a lot of stuff for others, he usually doesn't have much money for presents, and often when he does he knows the money isn't really 'his', it came from his parents. An adult has the skills and strength: he's also more likely to have the time and money. My first real experience of giving came when I was about 17. During school holidays I occasionally went on Meals-on-Wheels, helping to deliver meals to old people who were in their homes but unable to take proper care of themselves. For many of these people the Meals-on-Wheels volunteers were the only visitors they saw. They welcomed the food, but even more, they valued the social chat. For me it was a chance to see a different world, a world I hadn't known existed. I was interested in the stories the old people told of their lives. I felt good about the value they placed on our visits. Since then there have been periods of my life where I've done quite a lot for others and periods where I haven't done nearly enough. Particularly satisfying, though, have been the times when I've worked in the so-called 'helping professions'. The time I spent in hospitals, and the time I spent teaching, were easily the most satisfying jobs I've had. You can give your time, to volunteer work. You can give your money. An old Christian tradition is 'tithing': the idea that you give 10 per cent of your income away. I remember reading a bit of advice somewhere, that you should give 10 per cent, save 10 per cent, and spend the rest. You can give presents. These don't have to be bought in shops. You can give someone a poem you've written or copied out for them, maybe on an unusual surface, like bark or a shoe or paper you've made. You can give jewellery you've created out of a beautiful stone you found in a river, or at the beach. You can give flowers or a pot plant that you've grown from seed. Make a tape of their favourite songs. Record a piece of music that you play yourself; better still, one that you've composed yourself. Another great gift is a promise: to mow the lawn for a year or write a letter to the person every fortnight, or clean the windows every month. As with most things in life, being creative is a definite bonus. These presents will be highly valued, and you'll feel pretty damn pleased when you see the pleasure your gifts have brought. There's a lot to becoming a man. It's a huge challenge. Even huger if you don't know any men who are mature. If there's no men close to you who are setting a strong example you'll have to do it on your own. But that's OK. It's been done by others and it can be done again. By you. Just to make it harder though, there are even more points that I haven't covered here, because they're kind of obvious. Things like: Being self-disciplined Respecting the rights of others Working hard Staying fit The good news is that you can do it. You have it within you to become a man in the true sense of the word. Remember, it's not a race. You can spend a few years on it. At the end of the journey you can take your place in your community, as an adult to be respected, a person to whom others will come for advice, a leader.
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