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One of the reasons it's difficult to become a man is that you are encouraged in so many ways to remain immature. Schools, and some parents, want to keep you as a child. They feel you will be easier to control if you are still a child, that you will be more 'biddable' (more likely to do what you're told). They might not want to acknowledge the fact that you are now sexually potent. Your father may have been the only sexually potent male in the house up until now, and he could feel threatened. One of the ways this might show is by his teasing you about girls, or about your first dates. It is cruel to tease you about something you probably already feel anxious about, but it shows that he's got mixed feelings about your maturing. He may even flirt with your girlfriend or show too much curiosity about your activities with girls. This is not appropriate, nor is it helpful. You will need to show more dignity and maturity than him in this situation, and maybe arrange your life so you have more privacy. On the other hand your father may feel proud of the new stage you have reached, and pleased that your relationship with him is on anew and more mature level. Many men are more comfortable with their sons when they can talk on a more equal level. In this situation if he teases you occasionally, you know it's part of the affectionate relationship you have. You'll probably give as good as you get. Your mother could be nervous that there is now another sexually potent male in the house, and she may try to keep you as her 'little boy' for a while longer; so she can keep mothering you. In this situation she wants to deny your growth. This is not in your best long-term interests. On the other hand she could be delighted by your new-found independence and maturity. She might be pleased by the fact that she can now have more time to follow her own interests. Another reason it can be difficult to become a man is that you are yourself nervous of growing up. If you have a loving mother and/or father; leaving their constant care and protection can be hard. Having to take on adult concerns and responsibilities mightn't appear like too good a gig. Adults always look so worried. They complain loudly and often of how tough it is to be can adult, with hob worries, mortgage repayments, relationship difficulties. They tell you how easy it is for kids. Their eyes mist over as they recall the magical stress-free days of their childhood, the 'happiest days of their life'. They have short memories. I talked to a group of Year 10 students once about these issues. I was surprised at the large number who said they were in no hurry to grow up; that from where they stood, adult life didn't look good at all. I wanted to say to them: 'Well, I've done both, and believe me, being and adult leaves being a kid for dead.' But although that was my experience it might not necessarily be theirs. There was no point forcing my experiences onto them. So instead I talked about the advantages of being an adult: how you can make your own decisions, have greater freedom, have access to a wider range of activities, earn your own money, travel more widely. Despite that, I'm well aware that there are many adults who never grow up. They cause problems for themselves and others. It is certain that you know a number of adults in this category. Actor Omar Sharif once said to an interviewer on television: 'I've never met a man who's really grown up. Have you?' My first thought was to say to Omar; 'You need to get out more.' That's still what I'd say to him today. But I have to admit that I can't think of too many men whom I'd call 'grown up'. Perhaps this helps explain some of the discontent women have felt about men over the years. Perhaps they have had good reason to feel upset, although of course there are plenty of women who don't grow up either. Here's a few generalisations we can make about immature men. They place too much emphasis on sport. They run away from anything serious. They throw tantrums when they don't get their own way. They tell crude, sexist or racist jokes. They blame everything that goes wrong on everyone and everything else. They expect the government to fix their lives for them. They treat women in a patronising or contemptuous way (probably the same way they treated their mothers). They run away from the responsibilities of fathering. In fact they run away from responsibilities generally. They waste money on childish things, toys, like spoilers for their car or subwoofers for their maxi-blasters. They dream of someone dropping an enormous amount of money into their lap, so that they don't have to work any more. They are jealous of other people's successes. If they have children they favour and spoil one at the expense of others. They drive dangerously, handle alcohol and drugs inappropriately, cheat on their partners and their families, undermine other important adults in your life and want to talk to you about matters that are none of your business, like problems between them and their partner. They hero-worship other men, agreeing with everything they say, putting themselves at their beck and call and laughing for half an hour every time their hero makes a joke. They let other people, like the boss at work, walk all over them, and although they complain bitterly about it, they don't seem able to take appropriate action. They're often extremely angry. Road rage is a classic symptom of immaturity in men. If this is the kind of adult you want to be, the kind of man you want to grow into, then don't bother reading this book. Go back to writing on toilet walls, telling jokes about the size of women's vaginas, doing drugs and alcohol, and putting crap on people who are more focused, purposeful and mature than you. On the other hand this book can help you become the kind of man you secretly, or openly, want to be. It's not easy. There are a lot of obstacles in the way. I was at a school the other day where a teacher had given the Year 8 students the assignment of writing a poem which began with the words 'I am a child who...' I wondered at this choice of topic. It seems to me that students in Year 8 are not children any longer: I wondered if the teacher was trying to force onto them the view that they were still children. Maybe he was more comfortable dealing with children, and wanted to keep them in that role. Many adults hold a view that children are sweet little angels who respect adults and will do whatever they're told. (They get very angry, incidentally, when children don't behave like this.) They don't want children to grow up into those nasty teenagers who talk too loudly and challenge rules and want their own lives. I think another thing that makes it hard for boys to grow up is the constant message that immaturity is attractive, and maturity boring. This message is regularly given to us by two of the most powerful media in the world today - American movies and American television. Children in these programmes act like adults, and we are expected to find it cute and appealing. Teenagers behave in ways that are gross and disgusting and we are expected to find that funny. And adults act like infants. Or, in a bizarre twist on this, the children and teenagers act like parents, and the parents act like children. An airline magazine describes the movie House Arrest in these words: 'A teenage boy and his young sister, learning that their parents plan to separate, lock them in the basement hoping the couple will resolve their problems. Three of their friends think it's such a good idea that they too lure their parents to the house and lock them up. All the parents are kept under house arrest while the children give them therapy sessions and rule the roost.' A newspaper review of Curly Sue says: 'An orphan cons a lawyer into letting her and her guardian move in with her, then uses all her charms to spark a romance between the two.' The child is running both adults' lives for them. The movie What about Bob? has a hero who is an adult but acts like a three-year-old. he is monstrous person, infantile, self-obsessed, a liar, and unable to respect limits. His psychiatrist is self-obsessed too, but the message is that we'll all be better people if we can just be like Bob. Children and teenagers in these films advise their parents on how they should conduct themselves on dates, whom they should (re)marry, how they should acquire confidence and self-esteem. Audiences are expected to break into uncontrollable gooey sighs and mop their eyes with tissues, as these lines, written by cynical adults for the child stars, are uttered. Ironically, many of the child stars who utter these wise lines have their own lives destroyed by their movie and television careers. Giving advice on dating, on confidence and self-esteem, on marriage, are the roles of parents, not cute Hollywood 10-year-old star. In some cultures parents even have the vital role of telling young people whom they should marry. Growing up can be extra difficult for the sons of highly successful parents. They often get confused between their parents' achievements and their own. So, for example, I hear them boasting about their Porsche, their holiday house, their overseas trip. They don't seem to realise that these are their parents' achievements, bought with money they've earned. In no sense can the son the family take credit for these possessions. It's especially important for young men in highly successful families to have achievements they can truly call their own. A school principal told me of a Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award Scheme hike that some students from her school undertook. This would have been a good example of a major achievement that the students could truly and proudly call their own. Yet their parents destroyed it by meeting them at several points along the way with Eskies of food and could drinks. The principal who told me this story said the parents were 'well-meaning'. I don't agree. I think their motives were quite complex, but were more to do with their desire to possess their children in an inappropriate way, to intrude on their lives. On the other hand I remember a young man from a powerful and wealthy Canberra family who was having massive behaviour problems and had been expelled from a number of schools. At the age of 16 he was introduced to rock climbing. At his first attempt he astonished his teacher by his ability. He went on to become one of Australia's best climbers, leaving his family in awe at his achievements. So this book is not about excuses. I don't want to spend the whole book telling you of the obstacles to your becoming an adult. Let it be said of you, as it was once said of British doctor Jonathan Miller: 'Obstacles are a stimulus to him.' What a compliment! In the past, in some societies, the outward signs of reaching manhood have been things like having sex with a woman, going to war; killing an animal. These are powerful events which can have a big impact. If you feel that it is important for you to experience them as you move into adulthood, here are some points to consider:
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