"Reason #3251 that my roommate kicks
ass -- He and his girlfriend always bring home great leftovers from
restaurants around Boston that they foist upon my palette -- and
of course, to refuse them would be impolite.
If you haven't had re-heated gnocchi for breakfast, then you haven't
lived."
"Today, I had another four-hour meeting
with my designer, working under the optimistic yet warped assumption
that come Monday, common sense will prevail and the deal will somehow
be resurrected. It was a strange experience, planning something
that may already be dead. I didn't have the heart to tell my designer
the events that had transpired in the previous few days. We came
close to finalizing the last details today but as of this moment,
I don't have anywhere to build my office."
"Another mysterious fact: twice as
many left shoes as right ones are washed ashore on Dutch beaches,
while in Scotland the reverse is true. If anyone has any idea why
this might be true, Steve Jones of University College London would
love to know (thanks to him for the other facts as well, courtesy
of his fascinating book "Almost Like a Whale"."
"So the IT department has cooked up
this plan whereby they send the outdated P2s back to Dell and get
a whole batch of P4's similar to my own (only not as nice).
In the meantime, what are they giving these PC-only people who are
used to two-button mice, Windows, etc?
iMacs
Within a minute of plugging them in there were cries of "How
do I save this image?", "How do I maximise this window?"
"Where's the file explorer?"
We have an IT hotline, the number is 666, they're not kidding."
"do you ever buy major label music?
the majors right now are all, for the most part bits of large evil
multinationals and you're payin their bills. do you ever listen
to the radio anywhere on the dial to the right of say 92 FM? clear
channel owns all those radio stations, for the most part, and they
are not really a mom and pop either. mtv is a tentacle of viacom,
every band on there is making money for a evil capitalist behemoth."
"NOW things become Clear to me! why
it is that most new agers are "gentle' and vegetarian".....they
are getting up to speed, getting a preview, here, of what it will
be like after Ascention! they are living,NOW, here on earth, a bit
of what it is like in the 5th...6th...7th planes of heaven!
but for ME.....a nice juicy slab of roast beef is "lightness",
and a delacate food, as even that meat vibration will be far far
above most of the worlds, in vibration, where i will go! actually
it is close..."
"i go outside to put some clothes in
the washer and i come back and here both of my boys in the bathroom
laughing. i look in and i can't believe what i see! andrew is sitting
on the pot and ethan is on his knees looking at (examining, actually)
andrews penis. "OH MY GOD, what is going on in here?????!!!!!"
i say. andrew looks slightly mortified that i saw what was going
on and he says "ummm, i was just showing ethan that i am (ready
for this?) growing hair on my balls." in case you missed that,
my 9 year old was on the pot, taking a dump, showing his 5 year
old brother that he was GROWING HAIR ON HIS BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*akward silence* i tell him he can't be growing hair on his balls,
he's only 9 years old. now ethan pulls down his pants and starts
examining his balls. "oh, i think i see hair on my balls too."
i tell ethan to put his pants back on immediately and to get out
of the bathroom. he's laughing so hard saying "andrew has hairy
balls! andrew has hairy balls!" i tell andrew to wipe his ass
and get out. then i walk out to the garage and die hysterically
from laughing."
"While I waited for my clothes to dry
and my mom to pick me up, I amused myself with the many other machines
they had in the laundrymat. I think their reasoning was, "Hey,
these people have quarters... they probably won't use them all on
laundry... let's give them some other machines that take quarters
too." There were soda machines, vending machines, gumball machines,
machines with plastic rings, hot tomales, peanuts, calling cards,
those "Homies" toys, bouncy balls, even one with chocolate
flavored condoms. Question: why would anyone buy chocolate flavored
condoms at the laundrymat? I don't think they should sell those
there unless they would like sexual acts to actually take place
at the laundrymat. I shudder at the thought. I did get a plastic
ring, though."
"If I had one wish that I could wish
this holiday season, it would be that all the children of the world
to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.
If I had two wishes I could make this
holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world
to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the
second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given -- to
me -- tax-free in a Swiss bank account."
"Every year, Hamilton has a Psychic
Fair (right now, in fact), and every year I see the signs and say
the same thing: 'The best greeting for a psychic would be "I've
been expecting you..."'
When Jean Dixon died, do you think she saw it coming? Or do you
think she was sitting at her desk one day and thought 'What the
f...?' and dropped dead?"
"Mathias and I are playing hookey today,
filling our time with drinking hot cocoa (chocolate mint....mmmmm....)
and playing 'Connect Four'. Only, with Mathias it's more like 'Connect
Seven' rather than 'Connect Four'. It's not 'Connect Seven' because
he has no concept of the fundamentals of the game, but because he
prefers to make up games within the game."
"You've all probably heard about America's
Army, the Army funded team based tactical shooter. Heck, you probably
downloaded it when it first hit the net. If you played and thought
it sucked (and it did), or haven't tried it at all, go download
the latest version. It's improved so much it's like a whole new
game."
"Kerouac became the legendary antihero
of the beat generation of the 1950s, a man who went out to find
whatever might be there - America, music, spirituality, and himself.
The point of his continual travels was in a deep sense that there
was no point. It was a kind of existentialism - experience is all."
"Talk shit about me in your blog, and
I'll pop a cap in yo ass. Any questions?
You know...
Thank God none of us take what's written in blogs seriously. If
that were so, I'd have to pack a bulletproof vest and hire Jet Li
when I go to BlogCon II."
"How do you explain to someone that
the snippets of conversation that they hear isn’t the whole
picture? You know what? In the grand scheme of things “they”
really don’t matter. My son knows that I love him, that is
what matters. I shouldn’t (and don’t) give a flying fuck
what anyone else thinks."
"I hate it when people catch me being
a moron. Gah, I usually do my ratings when I'm in a terrible mood...actually,
this entire site is pretty much me and my bad attitude. But the
ratings are expecially bad because most of them are from last year
and yeah. I'm not really that much of a bastard in real life. And
I can't be a bastard when I'm talking personally with somebody.
Like you all know about how I can't stand Hilliary Clinton. It's
not so much a Democrat thing as it is just a personal thing. But
if Hilliary Clinton called me up and wanted to talk shop, I wouldn't
be a bastard, really. Actually I think that would be a lot of fun
and I'd be flattered she called me and all."
"Hilary Rosen and her kitten eating
band of feces-flinging howler monkeys, or, the RIAA has teamed up
with eBay to crack down on people selling CD-R's. Ok, fine. However
you may feel about copyright, and the rights of Britney Spears in
this matter, I feel that when someone puts their heart and soul
into a release that they wrote, produced and performed, puts it
out independently and then has the unmitigated gall to put it out
on CD-R media that they should be anally raped in public with barbed
wire. Or, in eBay's case, by unlisting every item with the words
CD-R in the description by rote, and completely fucking over independent
recording artists."
"You know, Bill Gates had a public
appearance next to a giant inflated condom more than 24 hours ago,
presumably with a dot on his forehead as he's been wearing during
most of his trip in India, and yet there are still no pictures of
this event on the Internet a full day later.
The curious absence of this photograph is the first sign I've seen
that the Internet might be dying. Isn't this sort of thing the reason
the good lord gave us Google and the Web? I might as well be reading
dead trees."
"Now, I always thought the thing about
going grey overnight was a load of hooey and could be attributed
to people just not noticing, but these were so obvious that there's
no way I could have missed them, particularly given my vigilant
search an destroy campaign on the little grey bastards.
I can feel another dye job coming on. Any votes for colour this
time? Already been bright burgundy red, and black with red stripes.
What's next? Blonde? Purple? Perhaps electric blue with green stripes?
Maybe I'll just go all Morticia."
"There is nothing worse than asking
the most paranoid man to take a quiz while on the phone. You'd swear
the Gestapo was pulling his fingernails out. This is only topped
off by posting this, and having said man hear you typing. These
are days when I'm really glad I didn't major in Psychology. Yet
I still like thinking naughty thoughts about him."
"And you thought I chose the title
just for show...
He's just a Skater Boy...she said 'I'll see ya later boy'....
I never thought it, but I'm following a fashion trend. Me, the leading
fashion icon, following a trend? Get outta here. Unfortunately,
it is true. I'm slowly, slowly becoming ever so slightly, to put
it politely, 'Skater'."
"To the woman driving the little red
car yesterday:
Excuse me? Hello? Hi there. Yes, I know you didn't see me. I'm sure
it would've been hard to see me what with the cell phone blocking
your view on the one side and your mascara brush blocking it on
the other. I've never understood that, by the way. Why don't you
just get up a little earlier and use your bathroom mirror like the
rest of us? Anyway, I hope you didn't jam your mascara brush into
your eye or anything unpleasant like that when you finally looked
up to see that you were about to cause a major pileup."
"What are we doing to our children?
We are raising a future generation of wusses. Kids who are pandered
to, coddled, kept from harm at all costs, wrapped in a soft, comfy
blanket of political correctness and self-esteem issues. These are
a whole generation of children who will never develop the coping
skills necessary to get by in life without becoming a blubbering
basket case of social deficiencies."
"About a year and a half ago, I had
a root canal done by a local dentist, who I'll call Dr. Shitbum.
I have a major dentist phobia, probably because I had three root
canals done in one day when I was four years old. So, when they
took me into the chamber of horrors, I requested nitrous oxide.
Most dentists will happily provide it, especially if you explain
that dental work is very difficult for you without it. In this case,
I was at a dental clinic with several different dentists, and when
I requested it to the assistant, she went and got the equipment
and brought it into the room.
Then Dr. Shitbum came in, and informed me that he did not approve
of the use of nitrous oxide. I explained to him why I felt it necessary,
and he said, "Oh, you won't be needing it. Now what we're going
to do today is a root canal..."
"
