"My inner bitch is sneaky. She often
sneaks out when I am least expecting her and makes a muss of things
and I have to clean up in her aftermath. She can be mean, after
all isn't that what a bitch is? She has even made a couple of people
cry....or at least feel really bad about themselves...but they deserved
it.
I have a confession though...sometimes I wish I was more like my
inner bitch all the time because she can really kick ass."
"Whenever I must fill out a form that
asks me to list my hobbies and outside interests, I am bewildered.
How to answer such a question? I pick up and drop hobbies like children
pick up and put down Leggos. In this past year alone, I have taken
up yodeling, gun-spinning, rope twirling, and knife throwing, most
of which I use in my infrequent singing cowboy shows."
"Of course, I show up in kicks and
vintage Levi's which is fine because it's been my uniform lately
and the agent wants to meet me, the woman behind the Bazima. So
to speak. Although I didn't do my best Sarah Jessica as Carrie Bradshaw
impression for him -- the one where she says in voiceover mode:
"In New York, museums are like men. Sometimes they're closed
when you wish they were open." Deep."
"I got carded the night before my thirtieth
birthday, and not even a second glance since then. Sometimes I hopefully
ask if they want to see my ID, and usually a kind soul will indulge
me. Last night though, I don't blame the woman for not carding me.
After all, buying high-end tequila in your pajamas is probably a
sign your partying days are behind you. Oh well. With age comes
experience. We may have stayed home on a Saturday night, but after
years of practice I make a damn fine margarita."
"I worked the coat-check room, along
with one other person -- a local hiigh school student named Ming.
Simple enough job, right? I mean, how difficult could it be. People
plop their coats on the counter, you ask for .50 cents per item
along with a last name and phone number (which you write on a numbered
ticket), hand out a receipt, hang up the coat(s), and then do it
all over again for the next customer. In theory, easy as pie. In
practice -- with well over a thousand people in attendance, and
only yourself and a high school student at your side -- it's an
entirely different scenario."
"Important Notice
Due to the growing unease on the international political stage,
I have decided to resolve the situation by anexing the world. From
this point on, every country will now fall under the banner of 'The
State Of Benway'."
"Last night was Cindy's Basement show
at the Vault, which found the guys playing the song I wrote in it's
original key, and I think it sounded a lot better that way, barring
Mike being out of tune and Justin repeating the last word of the
song until the guitars ring out.
I lost my wallet, so I wasn't permitted to
drink at the bar. Gay. Also, I got handed two free CD's, neither
of which I actually kept because, hey, fuck those guys!"
"suddenly though, mikey wants to move
to cali. i'd been talking about it for a while. but, he hates this
city as much as i do. he's ready to go. hell, i'm not settling for
less anymore. i'm wasting time in this and other cities, man. if
i want to be in the industry, i might as well live in the industry.
fuck it! i'm tired of waiting. i'm going to go to cali and make
it happen."
"You know what? Just put the seat down
when you're done. That's all I need for bathroom harmony at my place.
Heaven help the man that forgets to do that! No woman likes to sit
on a cold toilet bowl by mistake!"
"truth is i've been in hospital (...blimey,
shiver me timbers, by heck.) had an operation, had to go in for
a biopsy and have a general anaesthetic! anyway its all over now.
i was more worried, to be honest, about embarrassing myself with
all sorts of random talk when i came round from the anaesthetic,
but i impressed my self, the first thing i said when i came round
(totally un-rehearsed) was 'you're all abunch of stars'. quite pleasant
really, at least it wasn't 'hey nursie i'd really like to slip you
one' which i was truly terrified of saying for some bizzarr reason."
"I have a recurring subplot in my dreams...
Regardless of what else is going on in the dream, my husband and
I are desperately searching for a place to have sex, usually unsuccessfully.
What do you think that means?"
"You know the feeling.
You've been writing your daily blog entries for what seems like
an eternity. Every day you faithfully write a new post or three.
Your topic ideas are getting few and far between. You think you
can only write about gardening for so long, right?
Wrong!
Stop and think for a moment about what you are doing with your business
blog. What is your blog's purpose?"
" The snow was so deep on the drive
home along the logging road that it piled up at the front bumper
and on the hood. Every few minutes we had to stop to clear it away,
otherwise it flew up onto the windshield and the wipers, even on
panic speed, couldn't keep the sightlines clear."
"DAMMIT!!!
stupid flat. stupid ad said there was stupid offstreet parking,
didn't it?
so when the contracts came through with no parking space mentioned,
I called to check. agent has no idea. checks. seems there's three
spaces for six flats and it's potluck if you get one. which effectively
means there isn't one. "
"Nothing makes me more nervous than
checking this site's referral stats to discover that someone been
googling my name, which happened twice this weekend. Who can these
people be? Prospective employers confirming that yes, I'm completely
unsuitable for any role where responsibility is an issue? People
I've upset in the past looking to take vile and uncompromising revenge?
Mad stalker types who've unwittingly fallen into the trap of believing
that my online persona is actually far more interesting than my
real one? I dread to think..."
"Isn't it weird that we can be so afraid
of such a harmless house spider. It reminds me of my Aunt who has
a very strange phobia. She and my Uncle were visiting me years ago,
I was washing the pots (Benway doesn't understand that bit) wearing
rubber gloves, my Aunt was drying them, I touched her with the gloves
(not in a sexual way). She responded by running to the loo and throwing
up. I thought she was just hungover and just had the urge to chuck
but no, she cannot stand rubber! She can't touch rubber bands, rubber
gloves, balloons and of course condoms! I found this all highly
amusing, but in all seriousness where the hell does a phobia like
that come from? Weird."
"Quite a few people wore Festival clothing.
There were archers, royalty, peasants, monks, and even a hunchback.
Those who did not come in "costume" were given circletts
of flowers with streamers. Everyone looked so festive and it was
a very enjoyable celebration. The cake was in the shape of a castle
and a huge pig was roasted (along with roast beef and chicken for
those who didn't want pork after seeing the pig on the grill)."
"You remember that I have an Arabic
last name, don't you? I think they must have gotten me mixed up
with some terrorist who has the same name and dialed me up at the
office early this morning. When I checked my voice-mail, there was
a garbled and indistinct conversation between two men in a language
that could have been anything."
"10-in-1 Atari emulator-in-a-joystick
for $19.99
Eli the Bearded sez: Avon, the makeup company, is selling a joystick
with 10 classic Atari games in it. No console needed, just hook
this up to the RCA jacks on your TV and play. I was just watching
someone play it, and I want one now."
"don't laugh, but i have a date
with a younger man. A much younger man. Twenty-six years younger.
I met him at the bus stop. We were having a nice conversation and
then he said, "You have a nice smile," and pretty soon
he was asking if I'd like to go for coffee some time.
"Um, well... I think I have a son older than you," I
said.
"I'm 30," he said.
"Yep. My son's 37."
"Age doesn't matter."
"It does to me. "
"How old are you? If you don't mind my asking."
"I'm 56."
"You don't look it."
"Well, thanks but I'm not open to the idea of dating, sorry.
That's just too weird. Friends, yes. Dating, no."
"We could be friends, then. You're a nice person. I'd like
to get to know you."
What could I say? We're going out for coffee tomorrow.
I hope he's not an axe murderer.
"
"By law the state budget must be completed
by the start of the fiscal year. Every year the budget has not been
completed on time, without fail. So Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno
has come up with a great idea. He figures since there is no teacher
around to lower the grade, the assembly can just move the deadline
back. As if changing the deadline for the budget will fix our massive
fiscal problems. The deadline is currently April 1st and he wants
to move it to May 1st. I do not understand how this will fix the
long term problem."
"Let’s just say this. For the
moment, Breakup Babe has only one man. And that would be Silent
But Deadly Boy, who, while he doesn’t inspire the (misguided)
infatuation that the doctor did, is one fine specimen of man. And
who, with his rock-climbing, tele-skiing, traveling ways, is everything
I’ve ever wanted in the adventure department (and I want a
lot.)"
"I am reminded of my "Fight Club-dilemma".
I hated that film. People raved about it how the violence was not
gratuitous but useful to the point of the film. I never understood
that: I got the point of the film even without the sickening violence
that sometimes literally made my stomach turn. The same with "Caligula".
I understand what the movie is about, I see the point. I am not
sure that needs to be illustrated with cum-shots (I am not joking.
In a mainstream film with people like Helen Mirren and Peter O'Toole).
"
"Pee spot in the hallway. Pee on a
chair. Pee on the bathroom rug. Poop on clothes in sink.
A new dog in the house you might ask?!
Nope. It's called a one year old."
"I think the vendor just saw a white
man and decided I was a stupid tourist, so he inflated the price
on the spot. He got greedy. And it backfired in his face. I doubt
he'll learn from this though. He'll probably go on trying to fleece
people, thinking that he'll make a lot more money that way than
by charging reasonable prices."
