Still Hurting...But Moving On
<annonymous>
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When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical around. Let the process happen, trust that nature will do the healing. Know that the pain will pass and, when it passes, you will be stronger, happier, more sensitive and aware.
- Mel Colgrove, "How to Survive the Loss of Love"
I don't remember exactly how it all ended, even the reason why it ended is still vague for me. But I do remember when things started to get rocky for the two of us. I can't even figure out if it was his or my fault. Questions hunt me late at night and wake me up early in the morning. It's hard not being able to know what went wrong, it's like being in the brink of the line of sanity and insanity. But what makes it even harder is being alone, being alone after years of having someone by your side.
We were the epitome of two young lovers deeply in love, high school sweethearts whose love story was being tracked to its every turn. My name would not be complete without his name attached to it vice versa. He was the part of me that I never knew was missing. With him, I felt complete and contented. He was the very reason for my every breath. He brought out the best in me. We battled through every problem a relationship could encounter. We were strong. We were invincible.
When he decided to enter a military school, I was willing and happy for him though the fear of losing him was overpowering. He assured me that everything will stay the same and I believed him. He promised he'll come back for me and I promised I'd wait for him. From that day on, we both vowed to share forever.
His college studies in a state university served as a training ground for our nearing long-distance relationship. We were both willing to sacrifice. We still managed to spend time together amidst the distance between us, amidst our hectic schedule. We proved our detractors wrong because after months of being far from each other, we're still together. Two months before he had to leave for the military academy, something went wrong. He left without even saying goodbye.
For the first time in my life, I did not know what to do. I would spend the entire day thinking what went wrong and the nights crying. My questions still left unanswered, I started blaming myself for the downfall of our relationship. I lost my confidence out of self-pity, hated myself, lost my identity, lost everything. Since I started believing it was my fault, I did everything to save our relationship. I braved talking to people and going to places I never knew I could just to find out what happened.
Then I finally met her. She confirmed that they had an affair before he left for the academy. I felt my whole world crumbling down. Where did I go wrong? Was it I who triggered him to do such thing? But she answered my questions. She told me it was not my fault. "If there is someone to be blamed, it would be definitely him."
My friends told me that I should stop thinking about him and start thinking about myself. My life, my studies, my line of thinking became a mess when he left. They told me I have done my part and that I should let go and move on. It has almost been a year yet I still can't accept fully accept what happened. I cannot deny the fact that I still love him, but I am starting to realize there are things that just aren't meant to be.
I can say I am stronger now. Everything that happened to us made me a better person. I know that time will come that I'll commit myself in a new relationship, and eventually something will happen and the relationship will fall, it will be hard, and I will cry and feel just as much, if not more, pain. But I had to ask myself if it would be worth it if I never cared again. The answer came in a famous quote, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return." I am starting to smile again. I am able to laugh again. I am beginning to regain myself. I am keeping myself busy with things that would make me realize that I should exist as "I" and not as "us." I know it will take a long time for me to let go and finally heal, but I am willing to do so, little by little.
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