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These are jokes obtained from the joke mailing list of Rodney and Cathy joke list and laugh-your-ass-off joke list(at least the funny ones)
THE LITTLE ANGEL
It had been a totally miserable December at the North Pole, the elves had
been on strike, Santa had the flu, Mrs.Clause was at
her wits end, there
were only three days till X-mas Eve and only half the orders from all the
good little boys and girls had been filled. In short; it was doubtful that
Santa was going to be able to make his annual flight around the world.
God called Santa and asked if it would be alright if he sent some angels to
help out. Santa, overwhelmed at the offer accepted with gushing gratitude!
Over a thousand angels arrived the next morning and Santa sent them to help
out on the assembly line. That is all but one little angel who was too short
to reach the tables and belts. Santa hadn't notice the problem until the
little angel tugged on his coat tails and asked what he could do. "Go see
Mrs.Clause" he said, and off went our little guy humming some secularly
approved tune.
About an hour later Santa felt another tug and looking down saw our little
angel smiling up at him. "Sir, Mrs.Clause said she just didn't have anything
else for me to do and sent me back to ask you", he said. "Well", said Santa,
why don't you go feed and brush the reindeer?
Rudolph always likes to be brushed and the lord knows I've not had the time
lately." ZOOM.... off our little guy streaked.
Half an hour later he's back tugging at Santa Claus' coat tails
again. "Sir, I don't think Rudolph likes me too much. Is there
something else I can do?" "Yea, kid" says Santa, "go find a nice tree for the
living room."
It took about three hours (not too many X-mas tree lots at the NP) but the
angel was back, dragging this 9 foot tree behind him. "Santa! Oh Santa!
YooHoo Santa! What do you want me to do with the tree?" cried our little
angel. Santa, at the end of his rope screamed, "Why don't you try to stuff it
up your ass you little pest!" And, my friends, this is where the custom of putting an angel on top of the tree came from.
Old man in park
A man is jogging in the park when he comes across a 98 year old man
weeping on a park bench.
The jogger stops to see if he is ok.
The old man replies "Life couldn't be better. I'm living with a
nineteen year old nymphomaniac.
In the morning when I wake up we have sex. Then she brings me
breakfast in bed. After breakfast we have sex again and I have my
mid-morning nap.
We normally eat out for lunch at a nice restaurant and back into bed
for "afters".
I spend the afternoon watching sport or old movies before she cooks me
dinner.
Did I mention she was a fully qualified chef?
After dinner we have sex again and I finally collapse in bed exhausted
for a restful nights sleep."
Surprised the jogger asks "That's my idea of bliss, why are you so
upset?"
Through his tears the old man weeps "I can't remember where I live!".
The big guy and the little guy
This little dude walks into a bar and orders a beer. There's this big dude at the
bar too, and he's obviously shitfaced. The big guy looks at the little guy and
says, "Hello shrimp." Well, the little dude may be little, but he's not taking any
of this shit so he says, "Listen, you may be big, but I can do anything you
can, so shut your friggin trap before I shut it for you, you hear?"
The big guy says "Oh yeah? Follow me shrimp." The little guys follows,
figuring that the big dude may want to rumble, but confident that he can take
him anyway. The big guy and the little guy go to the top of the building. At the
top, Big says, "I'm gonna jump off this roof here, bounce off the street 12
stories below, and land right back here where I'm standing. You think you can
do that?"
Little chuckles and says, "Sure," figuring that this is an easy way to get rid of
this jerk. So Big jumps, bounces off the street 12 stories below, and lands
right back on the roof where he started. The little guy is speechless.
"Amazing!" he says. He realizes that he must jump too. After all he may be
short but he's more a man than this big idiot. So he jumps.
But when he hits the street he doesn't bounce, he splats. The big guy returns
to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender gives it to him and says,
"Superman, you're such an asshole when you're drunk."
Three wishes
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes". So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
I bet ya...
There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would
make a bet on anything and he would always win. His shipmates were
continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated.
The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship.
The next day the boy was transferred, and less than 15 minutes after
boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him
50 dollars he had hemorrhoids. The new Captain had just gotten a
physical and knew he had no hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet.
The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend over.
The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick
up the Captain's ass. The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the
Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted
to call the boy's old Captain and tell him.
When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken
50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain replied, "How?"
"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids. I knew
I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and bend over.
When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids.
Fifty bucks I won."
The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here
he bet me 500 dollars that within hour he would have a broomstick
shoved up your ass!"
The magician and the parrot
A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the
magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the
magician made everything in the act disappear.
The parrot grew to be bored witless, his owner growing stale and not
developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an
iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the
parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb
aboard, immediately collapsing from
exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the
edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And
stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the
parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started
to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him, intently,
not even blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "Awright, I give
up. What did you do with the damn ship?"
The Art Gallery Opening
A lady decided to go into business and open an art gallery. she asked a
painter she knew if he would paint a picture of Custer's last stand for the
grand opening of the Gallery. On the day of the grand opening, the lady
unveiled the painting and let out a gasp... It was a painting with a pile
of excrement with a halo around it in the foreground, and hundreds of
Indians having sex in the background. She confronted the painter, asking
what the meaning of this was... He replied that he did a lot of research on
Custer's last words, and found that they were, "Holy shit! Look at all the
fucking Indians!"
Nervous New Priest
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, that he could hardly speak.
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he
could relax. The Monsignor said "next Sunday it may help you if you put
some vodka in the water picture and after a few sips everything will go
smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into action and was able
to talk up a storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory
he found a note from the Monsignor:
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
5. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-a-Dub -Dub thanks for the
grub, Yeah God!"
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus and the Apostles, as "J.C. and the boys."
8. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are NEVER referred to as "Big Daddy,
Junior and the spook."
9. It is always the "Virgin Mary" never "Mary with a Cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next week there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffies.
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