Joke Page
Two Ladies
Two ladies have played bridge together for years, many
decades. Naturally they have gotten to know each other
pretty well. One day, during a game, one lady suddenly looks
up at the other and says, "Now, dear, I know that we've known
each other for many years, but please don't be angry or upset
by this--could you please tell me your name? I'm trying to
remember, but I just can't bring it to mind."
The other lady glares at her for a full three minutes, and
then replies, "How soon do you need to know?"
The tattoo
A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive
crush on Brigette Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his
attentions, she goes to a tattoo artist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed
on her breasts.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this
unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her butt
instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a "B" on each buttock. When
her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning
around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do
you think?" the wife says.
"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies
Little Johnny and Sunday school
Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and
all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to
radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the
bridge and saved the Israelites."
"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of
course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf
clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
and I said, "Dust!"
Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex
drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
In RR
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in
the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered
open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later
he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied
Newlyweds
On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and
wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we
are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me
take your picture.
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart
forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom
to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you
wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she
exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
Horseraces
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning
coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou
written on it", she said furiously. "You had better have an
explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at
the races? That was the name of the horse I bet on."
The next morning his wife sneaked up and again whacked him.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"The F**kin' Horse, Marylou, called last night."
Johnny
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters
the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's
too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you
want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register
surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What
do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the
utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up
the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table.
He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of
the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your f**kin' lazy ass downstairs
and get that kid some ice cream!"
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