Joke Page
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it
true...the woman wanted to know, that the medication the
doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?
She was told that it was indeed true.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This
prescription is marked "NO REFILLS."
DLT
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high
school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his
younger brother who is about 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a
little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his
little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and
his gal climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things
start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother
is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,
"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a
new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out," She
screams out..."I can't get pregnant...aaahhhhhhhh"!
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all
over my face.
Toothbrushes For Sale
A hare-lipped man walks into a Department Store carrying a
help wanted sign. He states:
"I'd like to apply for the job, plead!"
To which the store owner replies:
"Do you have any experience selling Tooth Brushes?"
"Nope!" says the hare-lip.
"Well OK," says the owner, "I'm in a hurry so I'll give you a shot.
I'll be back at closing." And he leaves.
At closing the store owner comes back and asks the hare-lipped fellow
"How many tooth brushes did you sell?"
The hare-lip replies.."I thold one tooth bruth"
"Just ONE?" exclaims the owner, "That will never do.
Let's see how well you do tomorrow, I'll be back at closing"
The next day at closing time the owner shows up at the store
and asks the hare-lip how many tooth brushes he sold that day.
The hare-lip replies "I thold one Tooth Bruth."
The owner is very upset at this news and says,
"One tooth brush will never do, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."
To which the hare-lip replies "Oh No, plead don't let me go.
Give me one more chanth, I gno I can do beddur."
So the owner gives him one more day and leaves.
The next day the owner returns to his store only to find thousands
of empty tooth brush crates laying all over.
He turns to the man and says,
"My Lord! How many Tooth Brushes did you sell today?"
The hare-lip replies,
"I sold three thouthand three hundred and thirty three Tooth Bruthes!"
"My, how on earth did you do that?" replies the store owner.
"Well you thee," replies the hare-lip,
"I went out into the mall and thet up thith table,
and on one thide I put thom chipth,
and on the other thide I put thome dipth.
Then I put a big thine behind the table that read:
'Free Chipth & Dipth'
Then the people they came and first they picked up a chipth
then they dipth it in the dipth and then they ate it."
"Is that all?" replied the owner.
"Well no," said the hare-lip, "after they ate it they would reply:
'Hey thith stuff tathed like shit!' and then I would thay,
'It ith,... wanna buy a Tooth Bruth?!?!?!?'"
The earring
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe,
is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in
"fashion sense."
"Hey Joe, he yells out - I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it,...it's only an earring." Says
Joe sheepishly.
" No really, probes Morris, How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife, Becky, found it in our bed."
The Cemetery
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the
tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for
you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As
he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he
heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what
it was. "Oh, my God!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter
dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane,
hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe
what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery
dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't
you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and
heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old
man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see
if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they
edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they
heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.
And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts
by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
Instructions for Idiots
Actual, instructions...
On my hairdryer instructions: Do not use while
sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap, it says,
Directions: Use like regular soap.
I have a frozen
dinner at home that says:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED
SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the
bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER
BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A
ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body
On BOOTS CHILDREN'S
COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car
or operate machinery after taking
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP
AID) Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN
KNIFE: Warning keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD
PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
Signs From Around the World
An ad on the subway in NYC:
"Learn to read and speak English.
Call us now."
********
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist:
"Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
********
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant:
"Used beer department."
********
Comparative customs:
In front of flat in London:
"It is unlawfull to allow your pets to foul
the footways by depositing excrement thereon."
In New York:
"Curb your dog."
********
On a store front in Florida:
"Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor.
Drive through open 24 hours!"
********
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey:
"Smile, You're on Radar!"
********
In a bathroom stall at a college athletic facility:
"Please place tampons and sanitary napkins in trash
recepticle. Do not flush down stool."
********
Seen in a State Park in California:
"Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope)
Check the Rock.
If it's wet, it's raining.
If it's moving, it's windy.
If you can't see it, it's foggy.
If rock is gone, it's a tornado."
********
Seen on a sign on a hamster cage at a pet store
in an Austin, Texas, Mall:
"Hamsters: $6.97
Children Who Fall In: $2.88"
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