Joke Page
The dwarf and the mare
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He
wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small
enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a look at
your horth?"
"Sure", says the farmer, "come on in."
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the
farmer
"Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."
The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's
eyes. Nith eyes, nith eyes, I like thith horth, I like this horth, I think I
want to buy thith horth."
Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer
to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nith eerth,
nith eerth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy
thith
horth."
The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf
is quite heavy. Suddenly, the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat,
her twat, I
want to see her twat!"
The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head first
into the mare's backside.
He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his
mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the
dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOOPPP!"
The dwarf wipes himself down and says, "I think I better wephrase
that.....I'd like to thee her gallop!"
Help Wanted!!!
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to
type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an
Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged
his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the
office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the
manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have
to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and
trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on
the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign
says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog
proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked
flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally
dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I
*still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a
copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about
being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the
sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
Any One Up There
Scott goes hiking on his own to commune with nature. He gets
too close to the edge of a cliff, slips, and finds himself hanging by his
hands from the branch of a little tree growing about 10 feet down from the
top and 100 feet above a sheer drop to the rocks below. Yelling for help
being of no avail, Scott sees his life passing before his eyes, and
finally, in desperation, calls up into the sky, "Is there anybody up
there?"
A great voice booms out, "Yes, Scott, I am here."
"Who are you?"
"It's me, your God. I am that I am."
"Help me," call Scott.
"I'll help you. Let go of the tree."
"What?"
"Trust in me. Let go of the tree and I will help you."
Scott thinks for a minute then calls up into the sky, "Is there anybody
else up there?"
The unexperienced indian
An Indian from a nearby reservation goes to a whorehouse and
knocks on the door. When the Madam answers he says, "Me want
woman!"
The Madam looks at him kind of funny and says, "You want a
woman, huh?"
He replies, "Yes. Me want woman. Me got money."
"But do you have experience?" the Madam answers.
"Experience?" asked the Indian.
"Have you done this before?"
"No, but me want woman. Me got money."
The Madam laughs and says, "I'll tell you what honey, you go
out into the forest over there and practice with the knotholes
in those trees and when you know what you're doing, you come
back and see me."
So the Indian goes out into the forest and finds a knothole to
get experience with. The next week he goes back to the
whorehouse and knocks on the door. When the Madam comes to
the door he says, "Me want woman. Me got experience." So the
Madam sends him upstairs with one of her girls.
When they get upstairs the Indian tells her to take off her
clothes and bend over. When she does he takes out a 2x4 and
smacks her on the butt.
"What the hell did you do that for!" she exclaimed.
The Indian replied, "Checking for bees."
The Blizzard
Two salesman were traveling through Wisconsin one February when it started
to snow. One of the salesman noticed a light up on the hill next to the
road and said, "It looks like a farmhouse up there. Let's go and see if we
can spend the night in the barn and get out of this blizzard."
In response to their knock at the door, a woman answered and after hearing
their problem said, "Come in gentleman, you don't have to spend the night
in the barn. I am a widow and I have three bedrooms here so come in and I
will make us some dinner."
After a warm dinner and some relaxing TV, they all retired for the night.
The next morning, they saw that the road had been cleared and after a nice
breakfast, they bid the widow goodbye and continued on their trip.
About 9 months later, one of the salesman received a registered letter from
a law office in Wisconsin. After reading the letter the salesman phoned his
friend and asked, "Mike, do you remember when were were stuck in the snow
in Wisconsin?"
"Sure," replied Mike, "Why do you ask?"
"Well tell me something else. Did you sneak into that woman's bedroom that
night and use my name?"
"Sure," said Mike, "After all, you are single and always sleeping around,
but I'm married and I can't so I figured it wouldn't make any difference.
But why all the questions?"
"Well, he replied, "I just wanted to thank you. It seems the woman passed
away and left me the farm!"
Olaf
Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue
needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends
Swen and Lars to come and try to I.D. the body.
Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Swen said
"Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled
him over and Swen looked at his ass and said "No dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician didn't say any thing but thought that was kind of strange.
Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars looked at him and
said "Yaa he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled
him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No dat ain't
Olaf."
The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well Olaf had two
assholes.""What? he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yaa,
everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of
us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with them two
assholes!"
Feathers
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from
Feathers,the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation,
{ Let's hold it right there for a second..I think it's scary that there's a
market for such obscure trade publications!! And it's even scarier that out
there somewhere is someone who religiously reads 'Feathers' }
telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that
launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed
the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the
carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It
seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a
windshield for a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's
chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the
engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to
see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a THAWED chicken"
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