Joke Page
The Drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're
obviously drunk"
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure
I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness,
I thought I was crippled."
~~~ You might work in an ER if... ~~~
* You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for
4 hours is a medical emergency.
* You have four categories of patients; urgent, emergent,
non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off.)
* You've ever entered a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk."
* You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors."
* You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of
shots."
* You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually
covers his or her mouth when coughing.
* You've ever thought "as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry
about that rhythm."
* You've ever referred to a body bag as a "To Go" bag.
* You can identify the "P.I.D. shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet and
the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 20.
* You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke; (get someone
drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they've overdosed on
"some kind of pills" just prior to arrival.)
* You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria's frozen
yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups.
* You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and sadly put
the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives.
* You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes
of two adults in a serious MVA on back boards with sirens on and
anxiety at level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch... (and
you know that this is more time than you usually get.)
* You have ever heard triage nurse first ask, "Is it urgent?" when
interrupted from the first break in hours.
* You feel that you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on
physical presentation.
* You don't have to ask "frequent flyers" any medical history
questions because you can fill it out from memory.
* You can keep a straight face as the patient responds "I just had two
beers."
* You automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to
have daily.
* You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you)
won't be disturbed by a return visit.
Memorandum
To: All Hospital Employees
From: Administration
Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security.
Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12
rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
patrol the hospital grounds 3 times each shift. In light of the
similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now
assume security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as
continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring them something, or make arrangements
with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation
facility, prior to mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available
in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient
may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of
motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory
patients may also register to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients
for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those
registered.
Nursing Administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a
Nursing Supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is
suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater,
or leaf blower.
Engineering will also be eliminated. The Hospital has subscribed to the
Time-Life series of "How to..." maintenance books. These books may be
checked out from Administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment
will be issued to all Nursing Units. We will be receiving the volumes at
a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring.
If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as
possible until that particular volume arrives.
Cutbacks in Phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two (2)
X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time
required by the local Photmat. Two prints will be provided for the price
of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday
paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors
coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency. If employees come
across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to
the Emergency Room.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local Electric
Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room
so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the Gift Shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families,
patients and the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute
discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will be available for purchase though the hospital pharmacy, and will,
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hospital's
formulary.
Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface,
the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from this
latest cost cutting measures.
The Redneck Dictionary Of Medical Terms
Artery................ The study of paintings
Benign................ What you be after you be eight
Bacteria................ Back door to cafeteria
Barium................ What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section ................ A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan ................ Searching for kitty
Cauterize ................ Made eye contact with her.
Colic ................ A sheep dog.
Coma ................ A punctuation mark.
D&C ................ Where Washington is.
Dilate ................ To live long.
Enema ................ Not a friend.
Fester ................ Quicker than someone else.
Fibula ................ A small lie.
Genital ................ Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series................ World series of military baseball.
Hangnail ................ What you hang your coat on.
Impotent ................ Distinguished, well known.
Labor pain ................ Getting jurt at work.
Medical Staff ................ A doctor's cane.
Morbid ................ A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates ................ Cheaper than day rates.
Node ................ I Knew it.
Outpatient ................ A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear ................ A fatherhood test.
Pelvis ................ Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative ................ A letter carrier.
Recovery Room ................ Place to do upholstery.
Rectum ................ Damn near killed him.
Secretion ................ Hiding something.
Seizure ................ Roman emperor.
Tablet ................ A small table.
Terminal Illness ................ Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor ................ More than one.
Urine ................ Opposite of you're out.
Varicose ................ Near by/close by.
Here is some funny, and supposedly true stories from travel agents.
I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut.
When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate
and insisted "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat on an airplane so their
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over
all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and
then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is
in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I
calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." her
response....click.
A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me
various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me
the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana.
She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb
of
L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view
room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
middle of
the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from
Canada?"
I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.
When I
asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big
airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I
tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could
not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went
very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on
your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you
ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag
on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was
actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT,
and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane
to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have a number on them."
A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter
plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times
and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his
stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China
4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
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