Prelude

Ahh the old biography page. You have most likely wondered into this part of the site through one of two reasons. The first being mistake, the second being a direct result of profound curiosity. The former can be corrected by simply shutting down your computer using the “shut down” option most likely located in the “Start” menu. On the other hand in a more creative environment, the execution of a Guile “Sonic Boom” would also inhibit viewing of this page. However, if the latter (curiosity) is your reason for being here then take a deep breath and get ready… ready for a journey beyond the realms of normalcy. A journey that will take you back through the years to a time when Wastism appeared still, silent and unmoving. A time where failure presented itself as an option rather than a way of life and a time where three young, innocent boys were too busy having fun and playing schoolyard games to notice the preliminary signs of what would soon become their inevitable fate. Unaware that the wheels of Wastism had been set in motion… and they were turning… turning fast… preparing for the release. The release of a force greater than that of any proclaimed in mythic text. A force that would eventually result in the tragic creation of the most enormous cesspool of waste the world… ANY world… has ever dared imagine. This, my friends, is the devastating and brutal history of the three lowest human entities ever to disgrace the earth. This is the recollection, past to present of a trio of morons, collectively known to the world as Enuff Squirrel.

The Beginning

If one were to stumble upon the English city of Manchester then get hit by the No. 32, 33, 34, 35 or 39 bus, dragged under the wheels and despite the obvious dangers then somehow become secured between the front and rear axles… only to 50 minutes later be harshly deposited onto the solid tarmac beneath… and then despite all controversy somehow manage to roll onto the nearest pavement without being hit by a small pizza-delivering transit van; it would be safe to assume one would be somewhere in the proximity of a small, meaningless attempt at a town referred to on maps as Tyldesley. If one were then healthy enough to stand and wonder around, eventually one would come across a long “high” street known as Elliot Street. Now Elliot Street is home to many fine dining establishments such as “Deb’s Diner” and “Brew It Yourself”. Now if one were to locate this “Brew It Yourself” establishment (easily noticed by its boarded up windows and rotting wooden sign) then one would be standing on the corner of Lemon Street. If one were then to journey down Lemon Street, one’s attention may be grasped by a small collection of council flats cleverly guarded by a 5-foot rail, similar to that which most primary schools use in order to trap the pupils until home time arrives. This similarity however is no coincidence… as if one were to purchase/create a time machine and travel back a mere decade, one would not be greeted by the sullen, impersonal atmosphere of poorly built council flats. One would instead be surprised to find the more jovial image of a small primary school filled with thriving young minds and joyful playground activities. This is the setting, which made it possible for the basic elements of Wastism to be brought together. This is the setting where it all began. St George’s CE Primary School.

The Acquisition of a Fool

I can never remember a true beginning to when Dearden and me first met. All I remember is that when attending St George’s I (along with the rest of Mrs Ford’s class) was in the “Scout Room” (a room which housed TV and VCR facilities). The class was watching a programme of which the plot was something to do with birds and eggs and a man who turned evil. Anyway during the airing of this week’s programming two foolish members of the class had selected to ruin my enjoyment by making moronic, inane noises throughout the entirety of the episode. This of course resulted in them receiving harsh verbal warnings from the teacher in charge (I forget which teacher). This then continued into the even more despicable charade of being taken outside to be punished even further, where methods such as screaming and shrieking are used by the teacher in order to coerce the pupils into the “correct” manner of thinking. I however, was still rather peeved at my fellow pupils for making me miss certain exciting parts of the aforementioned programming. So on their re-entry into the room I made sure to denote both their identities. The first of the two was a large, hefty, circular behemoth known as Harrison. The other was a more average sized boy sporting a blank, wide-eyed look and a moronic persona. This is my first recollection of Dearden.

For some reason Dearden later on in life showed up on my doorstep on some form of bicycle and wanted to know if I too would participate in the riding of a bike. I did and I can’t remember where we went, but this lead to several impromptu meetings with Dearden where he would come to my house and I would go out. I have no idea what we talked about at all… very likely something simple and moronic.

An Unexpected Arrival

I think the first time I ever saw Josh was somewhere in the midst of 1991. It was at the start of Mrs Bowyer’s class which is 2nd year juniors. At this point (I think) Dearden had come round to my house on a few occasions on his bike… but I don’t think I ever had really hung around with him at school. Anyway, it was my first day as a 2nd year junior and I’m sitting at my desk when in strolls a character by the name of Josh. The teacher begins to tell the class that Josh is from Australia, which immediately placed a thick black sheath over the entire body of the other new face present in the class, a fragile, wimpish geek known as “Monty”. I remember the first question I asked Josh was something to do with Neighbours (the programme) and whether he lives near Ramsey Street. I think I must have been hanging around with Dearden after all.

Misplaced Memories

OK… I’m confused now… I have no times or dates in my head for a lot of things, so I’ll just explain what happened and try and think of dates later on. Or maybe I just won’t think of dates at all. Anyway, I only ever talked to Josh a year later when we arrived in 3rd year juniors under the tutelage of Miss Birchall. I recall inviting myself into a conversation involving the match between the British Bulldog and Bret Hart at Summerslam ’92 and siding with Josh on saying that Bret Hart is the best wrestler even if he did lose the match. I remember from then on sitting on the same table as Josh and some other characters for the whole year. There was one point where me and Josh were taken outside of the classroom and yelled at for our habit of talking and being foolish which tended to inhibit the preferred activity of learning.

At one point I even hired Josh as my bodyguard when after chortling heartily at a wax portrait of a fellow student my life was suddenly under threat. I didn’t pay Josh for his services… although I was probably scared enough to do so.

Other things happened too, I remember the release of Mortal Kombat spawned a situation where me and Josh stayed over at each others houses trying to figure out the moves that the instruction book wouldn’t give us. I think this would have been in the last year of primary school.

An unforgettable situation was once brought about when Josh was staying over at my house. On this occasion my Grandad had decided he too would stay the night at our humble abode. Anyway, we were in my room playing Mortal Kombat on Sega’s “Mega Drive” console, when in wondered an old man who claimed to be the father of my dad. Now at this point in his life Madden had no finance, which therefore resulted in his possession of a large, cheap, brown, wooden-cased television. This television had a tendency to not function as normal televisions do. Quite the opposite in fact… this television had selected to ruin full enjoyment of any video game by changing from a colour picture into a black and white fuzz, which on a good day resembled static. The TV also decided to make loud crackling noises whilst undergoing it’s habitual routine of “fuzzing”. Anyway, the old man who was now present in the room was analysing the last few seconds of a Mortal Kombat duel between me and Josh. The competitive edge once present in the game had been completely tarnished by the non-stop fuzzing and crackling of the large, brown television, which made the old man’s comments even more disturbing. After witnessing an extremely poor display of modern technology, made worse by two fools shouting at the TV trying to influence a change in picture quality, the old man stopped, stared, took a breath and spoke his words. "That’s a cracking picture that, isn’t it!” I looked at the old man and my first instinctive was to acknowledge the sarcasm that should quite rightly be radiating from his comment. But as I turned and looked at the jurassic specimen I was shocked to find not only a distinct lack of sarcasm, but a strange twinkle was also present in his eye as leaned over to inspect the wooden shell of the television. “Yeah… that’s a good TV that you know.” Leaving me and Josh stunned, the old man raised his eyebrows, made some more complimentary remarks towards the dysfunctional wooden box and left the room. I think it was that day when I decided for sure that my own father will be going into a retirement home as soon as I get the chance to put him there. Old people really do need to be captured and isolated before they start filling our already imperfect world with nonsensical gibberish.

A few weeks later Madden stayed at Josh’s house where the Mortal Kombat escapades were resumed. Memorable incidents this time around are in the shape of German television and the activities of those who roam the magical gardens which the director of the programme had decided to use as setting.

Me and Josh continued this computer game based friendship until an incident occurred at the Thai Boxing club we both used to attend. The incident involved Madden and Josh facing each other in a “sparring” match. This “match” constituted the two of us doing battle using manoeuvres of the Thai Boxing persuasion. Josh had previously explained to Madden how no wrestling moves should be administered during this friendly battle, and that Madden’s devastating take on Shawn Michaels’ “Sweet Chin Music” thrust kick finisher was a firm no-no. Anyway the instructor gave her signal and the battle began. Madden opened up on Josh with some Sweet Chin Music and Josh went down. The battle was over. After several minutes of grasping his jaw it was clear to see Josh had been hurt by the superkick. At this point Madden was feeling rather ashamed of his actions and bowed his head as the Japanese tend to do when faced with the possibility of exile… all of a sudden Madden was blindsided by a surprise attack at the hands of Josh. Yes… believe it or not Josh had come back from all adversity and had taken the opportunity to execute an array of knees to Madden’s nasal, aural, and mandible regions. However this attack did not last long as Josh once again began to feel the overwhelming effects of the thrust kick and thus mercifully fell to the ground. After that day me and Josh didn’t really fall out as such but for some reason I returned to Mr Harrop’s class to find that my seat on Josh’s table was no longer awaiting my arrival. On the contrary… instead it was filled by the hefty posterior of an individual whose name appears to have escaped me. Anyway soon afterwards the Thai Boxing club shut down and we had left primary school for a 6-week interval before returning to education at the larger more daunting edifice, known to the region as Fred Longworth High School.

After beginning the new term I remember trying to talk to Josh one lunchtime, only to be insulted by one of his newly found compodreas. I think failure had started to set in at this point as I simply accepted the loss and moved on to make new allies… in fact it was a group of five other people whom I shared my schoolyard activities with for the first 3 years at high school.

Adventures of the Dumb and Moronic

The word “moron” has two literal definitions:

1) An adult with a mental age of between about eight and twelve
2) A stupid or slow-witted person; a fool

In the case I am about to present to you the second definition is much more appropriate than the first. In fact anytime you see the word “moron” on this site you should really interpret it in the latter sense. The situation I am about to divulge is one I have always and will always find great humour in. This was in the stages where I was hanging around with Dearden outside of school rather frequently… and I still have no idea what we were talking about.

At some point during 1995 me and Dearden ventured off to a nearby farm to explore the activities encouraged through the common knowledge that it was Bonfire Night. This certain farm had selected to celebrate the annual memory of roasting a fellow human being by creating an ample sized bonfire and by allowing amateur pyrotechnics to be fired off at dangerously high speeds. During the confusion created by such a poor display of pyrotechnics, Madden somehow became disassociated from Dearden and was quite simply scared. Madden knew little about this farm and feared that he would be savagely beaten by the masses of older, wiser and tougher beings who roamed the farm that night. Scared and crying Madden set off on his quest to locate the whereabouts of Dearden. First he tried a simple search of the large surface area the farmland presented to him… however his plight was in vein as Dearden was nowhere to be found. Madden then discovered a large building that when approached closely could be identified as a restaurant. His hopes raised, Madden stepped inside the building only to be asked to leave by some old, bald, intimidating mortals. At this point Madden didn’t know what to do… he continued pacing around the farmland looking for his lost friend and then stopped. Something didn’t seem right… a strange odour was now present that wasn’t there previously… but that wasn’t all… there was something else. Madden stopped dead in his tracks and analysed his surroundings from left to right searching for the cause of this sudden change in atmosphere. Crowd of people - nope, Farmyard Machinery – nope, Bonfire – nope, Fireworks Display – nop… wait a minute. Madden directed his attention back towards the bonfire and stared… Something about the bonfire had changed. Madden closed his eyes and envisioned the bonfire as it had been previously, whilst he and Dearden were together watching the pyrotechnics. The image of the bonfire was not hard to recollect. It had been looming over the farm blazing bright orange and yellow flames all evening; it was a truly magnificent sight.

Madden opened his eyes and found his answer. The bonfire had indeed changed significantly since the firework display. Instead of bright orange and yellow flames, the bonfire was now dominated by a thick rising black fog. Logic would imply that the fog was also the cause of the newly found rubbery odour present in the air. Madden decided that a bit of confirmation was needed, so off he went to the side of the bonfire where he was presented with an image that will live with him forever more.

Dearden was standing perfectly still with a blank, wide-eyed stare on his face. Every now and then he would blink and take a moment to reabsorb the information that was exhibited through the result of his latest endeavour. I could just imagine the one brain cell inside his head saying to him “Wow… so that’s what happens when you do that!” I scanned down Dearden’s cone of vision to eventually end up staring at the product of his very own handiwork.

Dearden had used his time away from Madden to execute several small tasks. The first of which was to use his navigational skills to locate a large tractor tyre. The second was to use his physical strength to place this tyre into the blazing inferno that was the bonfire. And now… presently, Dearden was in the third and final stage of his plan, which was to assume the role of spectator as the tyre smouldered heavily, sending its thick black poisonous rubber fumes into the air, and thus into the lungs of all who were present on the farm.

I have no idea what I said to Dearden after he had come out of his moronic trance… I probably actually congratulated him on such an innovative scheme. But I know later on that night I nearly paid a heavy price when a large rocket type firework selected its landing destination should be upon the cranium of Madden… well almost… I managed to avoid it but hell!!

The aforementioned scenario with Dearden occurred in the midst of another exciting adventure, which involved the creation of a cartie. Now some people may have a problem with the word cartie and would prefer (for the sake of radness) me to refer to it as a go-kart… the only problem with that is it didn’t go… well not at first anyway. You see me and Dearden had a plan to make the greatest cartie ever on the face of the earth. We spent countless hours in Dearden’s shed planning and formulating the blueprints of the cartie. I think our designs became so ridiculous that we actually had conceived the idea of a cartie with an engine and a pedal-driven backup system. This cartie also contained not a seat for the rider... but a small home complete with bathroom conveniences. The whole cartie idea however, climaxed with the destruction of our first draft specimen when Madden foolishly selected to push Dearden off a kerb and down a small sand hill. This resulted in the back of the cartie snapping in half due to a noticeable lack of resistance against protruding stone kerbs.

Summer of ’96

The first time I recall hanging around with Dearden incessantly for an extensive period of time was in the summer of ’96. Now I actually have a diary accounting for every single day in ’96 which I hope you agree with me is reasonably sad. Anyway due to the existence of this diary I can safely say that the exact date the “Summer of ‘96” began was May 23rd and the day it ended was October 14th.

It all began when Madden returned home from Blockbuster Video after returning his borrowed copy of Road Rash 3. On arrival to his home Madden discovered a small congregation of young souls on the small field across from his house. Close scrutiny would teach Madden that the young souls were actually involved in a wholesome sporting game known to most English speaking colonies as “Baseball”. Of course it wasn’t really baseball but there was a baseball bat involved and people who held the bat would normally respond to the deliverance of a tennis ball by striking it with a solid blow. Much like that of a thug who decides that his council flat has been “robbed” by a passing stranger and exacts revenge through vile blows to the cranium of his adversary with a similar bat-like weapon. Anyway… on Madden’s exit from the car he found himself queried by either Dearden or Jonty (a long time friend) as to whether or not he would like to join the fray of sporting youths. Madden agreed that the chance to indulge in a hearty game of baseball should not be passed by and thus began his short stroll to the field. Once on the field Madden detected a strange, uncanny presence. In today’s edition of “Madden Lives To See Another Day” the strange presence turned out to be a small accumulation of members of the female gender. Unbeknownst to Madden, some of these females would take part in several of the activities that made up the summer of ’96.

I think I’ve talked crap for long enough… so I’ll just cut to the chase. The Summer of ’96 consisted of me, Dearden (sometimes Jonty as well) and certain females hanging around doing nothing much… we went ice skating, played California Games, watched movies (ones with clowns), got punched in the head on the top of double decker buses, threw acorns at girls heads, let girls get physically abused by older more stronger girls, applied double ax handles on girls, got girls in Boston crabs, got grounded for trying to camp out but most importantly me and Dearden recorded a piece of moronic history… yes indeed, the summer of ’96 was the summer in which me and Dearden recorded Prove It FM.

Prove It FM was an idea me and Dearden invented out of sheer boredom… one day we were in my bedroom and I brought in a small black tape recorder. After suggesting and discarding many ideas of what to use it for we eventually decided that we were gonna make our very own radio station. However unlike most radio stations ours was not on the air. Instead it was simply recorded onto a 90 minute (I think) cassette. We spent a full day recording the first side of the tape which consisted of several songs we had written/ripped off, talking crap, using the word “BAAAAA” frequently and saying “prove it” many, many times. One of the outstanding scenarios present on the show involves Dearden selecting to cut his fingers off using a pair of Madden’s scissors. Madden being attacked by a Reebok “flipper” is also a crowd-pleaser. After creating 90 minutes of inane stupidity we broadcast the show frequently in Madden’s back garden to anyone who was willing to listen. It must have received quite a few plays come to mention it. I think Prove It FM was the first step on our way to complete foolishness. Since Prove It FM along with Josh we have basically invented our own language, which as of today can only be understood fully by those close to us.

1996 was also a memorable year due to the fact that it was the year Madden first picked up a guitar. The first lesson I ever had was on March 22nd 1996 where I learned 3 chords and managed to play “Wild Thing” very poorly. By the time Prove It FM came around I could play a bit better and was progressing onto more challenging chord sequences, involving the dreaded bar chords (feared mainly due to the fact that I had a huge wooden acoustic guitar with a massive neck). Anyway by the middle of 1996 I had written my first song on the guitar entitled “Christmas Time” and it sucked. Sucked so badly in fact that a small Indian family band named “Force 99” decided it would be in their interest to cover it. The song eventually got played in front of an audience in December of 1998 at our high school’s annual “Christmas Concert”. I still firmly believe that it was that song that got the biggest pop of the night. By the end of 1996 my ever-progressing guitar playing abilities (yeah right) had influenced Dearden enough to result in his own achieving of a guitar. So on December 25th 1996 I journeyed round to Dearden’s house where I acknowledged two brand new pieces of professional guitar equipment. The first was a jet black Fender Squire Stratocaster, probably the most common guitar in existence. The second was a small box like structure boasting several noticeable rectangular red buttons. On closer inspection I denoted that this box was indeed an amplifier which apparently totalled a staggering 75 watts in power (yyeessss iittt dddiiidddd). As I stepped back from my neared position I noticed a grey rectangular plate, home to three very significant letters. “R.A.D.” Yes indeed… the last month of 1996 was the first month in wastal possession of the RAD amp.

1997

1997 was a year of sheer crapness… although it was not as crap as the next year would prove to be it was still indeed crap. Nothing happened for ages. At this point Madden had slowly been revolutionising his musical tastes. Whereas in 1996 Madden would have been happy to listen to his dad’s “Best of Elton John” in the car, and happy to sing along to Peter Andre’s “Flava” whilst indulging in alternating plays on Dearden’s “California Games” video cartridge. Now Madden had discovered a whole new world of music under the “rock” category. During 1997 contact with Dearden drifted away and Dearden gained a new selection of friends whose daily activities involved stealing car badges, loitering in the friendly town of Shakerley and drinking until violent and disorderly on a neighbouring park. Madden began honing his guitar skills on his newly bought electric guitar and spent most of this year in practice with a band he had recently joined/created. This band featured Madden on guitar, 2 nameless characters on drums and bass, and a strange child by the name of Paul Gill on vocals. This band of Madden’s lasted just under a year and as a band we were the worst EVER. But the negativity achieved through poor quality musicianship was made up for by the positive gain of musical experience. During his stay in the band Madden wrote a ton of songs (only three of which were played by the band) and gained live experience whilst playing three live shows with his sad attempt at a band. This band also took Madden and his associates to a small garage in Chester where over two days a 4-song demo was recorded. I use the word demo very loosely, as it was quite simply the most despicable attempt at music ever to find its way onto minidisc. On a side note Madden also spent his spare time creating his very own album of songs. The album known as “Phluff” was never fully recorded onto tape but each and every song was completed. It was at this point where Madden realised he wanted to be in band who were dumb enough to play his songs without crying that they all “…sound the same.”

During the midst of 1997 Madden once again re-established contact with Josh due to them being in the same IT class and a chance comment about how Madden looked like Kurt Cobain???!!!?! After lending Josh Ixnay On The Hombre by the Offspring, Josh realised he had been wasting his life away listening to crap and therefore corrected this error by purchasing a great deal of the Offspring’s material. I clearly remember a scenario during the early stages of re-established contact where me and Josh were in Bolton enjoying some form of McDonalds subsistence when I commented on how good America is (having been there in 1996). Josh agreed heartily and a topic of conversation was then established for the remainder of the century. Whilst in primary school me and Josh used to talk about America loads, the only difference was that he had been and I had not. Now however we both had first hand knowledge of how good the country is in comparison to England and were both suffering from withdrawal symptoms. As we left McDonalds we toyed with the unrealistic prospect of us both going back there and humoured ourselves over the fact that it could never EVER happen. So in light of this fact we decided to adopt the good old fashioned tactic of denial and pretend that we would one day make it over there whilst we were still young. This plan of denial was known as and referred to as “the dream” it’s title being more than fitting… or so we thought. Little did we know what the future held in store!

1998

1998 was the worst year of my life. Nothing extraordinary happened to make it that way; in fact it was completely the opposite. 1998 was the most unexciting, ordinary year of my life and I can’t remember much of it at all. Me and Josh spent the majority of it purchasing CD’s. The only memorable parts of 1998 are all situated at high school where after the 6-week summer holidays Madden had the honour of “Senior Prefect” bestowed upon him. After realising the power of his position Madden invited his allies up to the English Block (where Madden was on duty) and we spent every lunch time from then on listening to music in an English classroom, unaware that thugs were roaming the vicinity after breaking down the not-so-tough doors that allow entrance to the block. During these lunchtime escapades Madden indulged in many discussions about rock outfits such as Metallica and Megadeth with a metalhead named Browny and a new guitarist with a distinct original style named Deany. Somehow during the early stages in my run as Senior Prefect I became associated with Dearden again. At this point Dearden had left behind his car badge stealing; park loitering buddies and was in search of new friendship. I being an acceptable kinda guy welcomed Dearden into the English block where he proceeded to humour us all with his moronic wit. Dearden had been shown the joys of Green Day during the summer holidays and was now willing to participate in musical discussions (he would go on to spend ridiculous amounts of money on Green Day imports). Despite being at the same primary and secondary schools for 6 years, Dearden and Josh still didn’t really know each other. To Josh Dearden was some annoying moron who made foolish sounds and to Dearden Josh was just some guy who hung in the English block eating limp frog (well probably). However after spending 2 hours every Wednesday in the same Systems and Control class Dearden and Josh became allies. This could clearly be seen in the English block as they teamed up to hide Madden’s Carlton holdall. Several humorous teaming-up-against-Madden incidents occurred inside the English block, which helped pass the time in the most pathetic attempt at a year my life has ever witnessed.

By the end of 1998 things seemed pretty glum. Me and Josh were still talking about the dream and had been for almost a year and it still seemed just as far out of reach as it did 365 days previous. At this point I had been showing Josh a few bits and pieces on the guitar, nothing much. He only had a big crap acoustic at home anyway, but I think he had decided at this point that he wanted to play guitar. In fact I think it was at the end of this year where a small deal was made between Dearden and Josh where Dearden would trade his guitar and RAD in for a cash supplement of £80. 1998 was brought to it’s gloomy demise with Madden forming a temporary band with 5 other people (yes a sextet) to perform the Manic Street Preachers “Slash N Burn” at the Christmas concert. Needless to say it sucked.

1999 – The Year of the Dream

With the worst year of my life out of the picture it was time to do stuff. With only half a year left at high school plans needed to be made for the future. Me and Josh had already decided that we were gonna go to Wigan college upon permanent dismissal from school.

Realising the dream

The dream had always been talked about in an unrealistic, foolish manner. During the latter part of ’98 Josh had been telling me that he would ask his sister Jodi if he could stay with her that summer in America. Apparently during one telecommunication Jodi actually mentioned the idea of Josh bringing a friend over to stay with her in the coastal bay of San Diego. Upon mentioning this to me I decided to influence Josh’s decision as to whether or not he should bring a friend with comments such as “Josh let me come” and “Can I come to America with you?” Although the dream actually seemed closer to realisation I had to live with the fact that a small, possibly meaningless comment over the phone could not be taken as seriously as I would have liked. So once again at the beginning of 1999 me and Josh were exercising our denial skills. This time however Josh had some leverage working on his side which was the slight chance that I could go to America. So whenever Madden did something that displeased Josh he would comment “Right you’re not coming to America.” This resulted in a very cautious, paranoid Madden who still as we speak has not fully recovered from the threats made that cold winter.

On Wednesday January 13th 1999 “The Failures” (as we had so named our threesome) Madden, Josh and Dearden ventured off to a large building named the “Apollo” and experienced their first “gig” together. Three bands played that night; a humorous England-based band named Caffeine, a band hailing from San Diego called Sprung Monkey and the almighty Orange County punkers the Offspring. The gig turned out to be most fun and inspired us to go to see more bands in the near future. It was around this time where we started joking with the idea of the three of us starting a band. Dearden had mentioned (after completely giving up on the guitar) that he wanted to learn how to play drums and be like Tre Cool. Josh already had the desire to be a guitarist so all that was required was a bass player and a singer. Dearden and Josh then began hinting that I should be the bass player and singer. I greeted these hints by laughing heartily and explaining that it would be only a very VERY foolish individual who would trade 3 years of guitar practice in for a 4-string pile of crap and 2 band members who couldn’t play their instruments. However much like the dream, the talk of starting a band was mere trash-talk to pass the time, Dearden hadn’t touched a drum kit before and Josh knew very little about the guitar. And most importantly… Madden WASN’T A BASS PLAYER!!!

8th April 1999

Time passed by and more events occurred. It was the 8th of April 1999 when finally a huge bombshell was dropped at the feet of Josh and Madden. The 8th of April 1999 is memorable for two reasons. The first being the fact that it was the day before The Failures second gig (Silverchair, April 9th, Manchester Academy) and secondly and WAY, WAY most importantly it was the day that Madden found out for sure that the dream was about to come true!!

Several weeks before April 8th Josh had been telling Madden that the chance of him going to America was looking up… Madden of course took Josh’s comments as mere humour until Josh revealed that his sister Jodi would be travelling to England for a few weeks whilst on business. With April 8th fast approaching Josh began speaking to Madden in a way that suggested he would actually DEFINITELY be going to America with Josh in the summer… this all seemed a blur to Madden and before he knew it Josh had rang up Madden’s house asking whether or not it would be ok if Jodi and himself could come down and discuss America arrangements with Madden and his parents. Madden of course replied, “hmm, well I’m not sure if I wanna go now.” Obviously the previous quote was a pile of sheep balls.

Anyway Josh, Jodi and a smaller sibling named Rachel journeyed on down to Madden’s house and Jodi explained everything. Apparently we would be staying in America for a MONTH!! and much to everyone’s surprise we would not be staying in San Diego for the majority of the time, instead we would stay in Chicago with Jodi and her boyfriend Jeff. At this point Madden was chemming his sorry face, not only were we getting to stay in Chicago but Jodi also said that we would spend sometime in San Diego and that we may also travel to New York. When the party of Jodi, Josh and Rachel (or “Rah” as people tend to call her… mainly foolish people) left Madden’s house, Madden began to chem and chem. until his chemmary glands ad become swollen due to excessive chemming. Madden then rested and began to chem some more.

On the heels of April 8th The Failures attended the Silverchair show at the Manchester Academy and it was most fun… Madden and Josh entered a “pit” for the first time and found humour in it, and Josh found a pile of stig bracelet on the floor and began to wear it until nearly dying of rust poisoning in the weeks to come. To be honest there was just a really wholesome “feel-good” vibe going about after the news of America. In the moths commencing, The Failures attended a Soulfly show and went to watch the superstars of the World Wrestling federation perform at the M.E.N. arena in Manchester.

May 24th 1999

This was a date memorable also for two reasons. Firstly it was the date of The Failures first GCSE examination and secondly and most importantly it was the day (in England anyway) when the WWF superstar Owen Hart passed away after sustaining death at the bottom of a 70ft drop from the Kemper Arena ceiling in Kansas. Madden entered his English Literature exam with nothing on his mind except the Owen Hart incident, and left feeling he had flunked the exam entirely. This was the beginning of the end for the high school days of the Failures… study leave had been given and usual lessons had been sacrificed in order for students to study… the whole school routine had changed and the last definitive stage in childhood was rapidly coming to a close. It was around this time when I purchased the Red Hot Chili Peppers “comeback” album “Californication” and Limp Bizkit’s debut follow-up “Significant Other”. I had also purchased the Lit single “My Own Worst Enemy” and for evermore I will always associate those two albums and one single with the whole prelude to America.

I have now realised after review, that this biography is a pile of bore. This humours me to some extent, so once again I am gonna try and “cut to the chase” this will involve me skipping the GCSE exams and study leave up to the 25th June 1999. All I will say is that a constant feel of chemness was present through all the exams… the sun always seemed to be shining… which is weird cause this is England.

June 25th 1999

Ahh… the last day of high school ever featured an 80-minute IT exam. After Madden and Josh had destroyed it we made sure to make a big deal about crossing the threshold from school-life into the “real-world”. We used the school gate as the border between the 2 individual realms… and once we had crossed the border we realised there was no looking back… EVER!

June 26th 1999

The Failures had to mark their upcoming 4 week separation in one way or another… so why not do it in the depths of Bolton jungle at a paintball fighting camp?! The day started out with us getting lost on our way to the paintball place. When we got there Madden realised that the jungle was not actually as safe as he would have liked when he found to his dismay that rolling down a hill (like you do when trying to prove your worth as the king of paintball) also resulted in having thorns shred his legs, nettles sting his face and bits of broken glass adorn his flesh.

As the paintball games progressed the challenges became tougher, however the objectives of the Failures remained the same… hurt people! We had discussed for weeks the practicality of setting bear traps and mines previous to the paintball adventures, but had always...