Bert
Bert's hobbies include seducing people, taking off his pants, and poking himself in the eye. Bert is a discipline problem at EMSP. He has been written up for drinking, smoking, and being duct taped to the truck antenna. He also likes to write poetry about stuff he hates. So far, there's no "Bert's Poem About EMSP." On the positive side, Bert is an experienced leader. He is the founder and president of the Campus Communists. |
Cheese Man
Cheese Man is no ordinary packet of artificial cheese from Kraft Easy-Mac. He has already co-authored articles for Journal of Paving and Asphalt Monthly with Professor Meeker. He is also a rising star in the art world, with such works as "What I Ate Yesterday" and "Gunk From My Shower" selling for upwards of $30 Canadian. |
Masky
Masky is, as you may have guessed, a man made of masking tape. Masky is a quiet and unasserive student. For this reason, he is often the victim of cruel tortures such as being thrown against a cement wall, and getting chopped up with a shovel. |
Matt, known on campus as "Stenny's Lover," is a campus leader in many ways. He is currently vice president of Ð Æ Þ Fraternity. He also organizes semi-spontaneous cornings to boost school spirit. Hager loves all of you very much. |
Dave Roberts likes to go around campus and hit people with stuff. Sometimes it's a loaf of bread. Sometimes it's an aspirin tablet. Sometimes it's your own hand. Because of this unique hobby, everyone on campus knows Roberts. If you get to know him well enough, he'll learn your preferences for being whacked with stuff, and take that into consideration. |
Sally-May is one of those sickeningly cutesy people that everybody hates. She goes around spreading love and joy and happiness. This does not go over well at EMSP, where even the lawn is cynical and bitter. Sally's poor academic performance reflects her inability to connect with the harsh realities of the world. Sure, she may be happier than the rest of us, but is it worth it? |
Gary knows. Yeah, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Gary knows everything. You can't hide from Gary. But don't worry, he won't talk...for a price. |
As the seer who first enlightened us to the glory of The Potato God, Dave enjoys a certain privilege on EMSP's campus. If he wants to observe binary stars, fine. If he wants to mail Doug a stick, fine. If he wants to write "MOON-PIE" in the creek, fine. If he wants to free Puerto Rican terrorists, fine. If he wants to prance around the quad in his birthday suit...well, we have to draw the line somewhere. |
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