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i like this fading from you the colors paling, and the growing transluscence of my love fascinates me like warm breath on a cold glass window it is getting clearer now, watching you walking anywhere except towards me.
lately i find myself too clean, with my life tracing a neat line of carefully closed chapters; why couldn't i go back and scribble some more on the supposed-to-be finished pages, the footnotes overwhelming the real story, the sub-titles longer than the actual conversations; cross-referencing with ever-afters just to make sure i got everything covered all the what-ifs, and what-nots and the what-nows everybody else seems to be doing it --- ink-stained fingers betraying resolutions and closures, each time the old promises we made to our childhood selves are rewritten with new rules, there are volumes of history to be reviewed; mine have been neatly typed, double-spaced, so tempting to slash with correction, pen with blood-shaded ink poised over the descriptive account of tragic loves lost, accusations left unsaid, answers withheld, questions unasked.
you read my face like a well-worn book you keep by your bedside, the one you reach out for in the middle of the night when sleep takes a walk or when old nightmares visit. you drink in my words like water, though you wil not admit that you have been thirsty, the night sometimes takes you to places too far to remember except for the ache in your legs and the certainty in your heart every time you wake up you breathe in relief it was only a dream, just as it is only me and there is nothing to be afraid of
i am the dream that you cannot bear to wake up from, but you have to. every morning you release my hands, taking care not to take any piece of me into the morning. i am the secret room you shut yourself in because my walls are invisible. i am the song you hum absently while you wait for her gather her things and finish her to-do list for the day. i am the scent of the sea you keep bottled deep inside you, hidden, and you are careful that she does not taste me when you kiss. i am the story you are terrified of reading aloud, you got stuck at "once upon a time..." and watched the words burn as i unravelled into you. i am. what now?
i tried hiding behind imagined betrayals and questions of loyalties i tried to work my way through the rules we always just assumed without trying to ask about the fine print anyway, i was found out easily and now there is only me, stripped of my excuses and made-up alibis defenseless before you and your not-choosing i stand here, terrified
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Acknowledgements
