| Tasteless Jokes on this Page | |||||
| Fishing | Nuns | bum | Lil'Giuseppe | Adultry | Sperm Bank |
| Surgery | Traffic School | Ways To Get Kicked Out Of Funerals | Warning Signs Of Insanity | ||
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One day, Bernie was out fishing, and having no luck at all. After three hours he was ready to go home. He glanced down the end of the pier, and he saw a man pulling in fish after fish. Bernie watched for a few moments, and saw the man catch four more fish. He had to know how he did it. He walked down to the end of the pier and said to the man, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help nothing that you're catching an awful lot of fish. I can I ask, where do you buy your bait?" The man looked up and said, "oh, I don't have to buy bait. I do circumcisions for a living."
one day at a convent, three nuns were having a talk about a particular priest. The first nun said, "I put one of those girlie magazines on his desk, so when he goes in there to work, he'll just have to see it. "The second nun said, "well, I found out here he keeps his condoms, and the other day, I sneaked in and put a tiny pin hole in the tips of everyone of them. "Third nun fainted.
A bum showed up at a whorehouse one day and said to the clerk, "listen, I only got two bucks. What can you do for me?" clerk told him to go up the stairs to the third floor, second door on the left, and there on the bed was a beautiful blonde women with huge tits. He shouted "yahoo!" and flung himself on top of her. After he had bouncing passionately on her for several minutes, he noticed a gooey white substance coming out of her ears, her nose, her mouth, and her eyes. He was over come b disgust. He scrambled off the bed, ran down the stairs and out the front door, screaming all the way. The clerk saw him fly past, and called into the back room. "hey Leon, the dead one is full again!"
A little Italian kid was helping the construction crew build a house next door. He was acting just like the crewman, swinging his little plastic tools around and searing up a storm just like them. His mother wasn't too please when she came to get him for lunch and over heard the kid saying loudly, "fuckin shit, pass me another goddamn nail. "His mother grabbed him by the hand, pulled him inside the house, and said, "Giuseppe, I'm warning you if your papa ever heard you talking like that, you're gonna be plenty sorry". Hearing of Giuseppe's misbehavior on his return home from work, the father said, "son, I've got to teach you a lesson. Go out in the back yard and get me a switch." "Fuck you," said Giuesppe, "that's the Electrician's job!"
a young man was spending the night at the apartment of a married couple of his acquaintance. Since they had no couch, the couple decided to share their bed with there guest, and they all retired early. It's wasn't long afterwards that the wife whispered in the young man ear, "pull a hair from my husband butt; if he's asleep we can make love". The young man did as instructed, and after getting no response from the husband, he proceeded to make it with the wife not feeling completely satisfied, the wife proceeded to propose the same course of action a second time, and later a third time, and the young man only too happy to oblige. Finally the husband rolled over and said wearily, "listen it's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a score board?"
An eighty-year-old man drop by the local sperm bank and offers to make a donation. The pleasant orderly tries politely to explain how the sperm bank works, suggesting that perhaps he isn't up to making a deposit. But there's no dissuading the old codger, and finally they gave up and show him to a cubicle. After two hours the old man has not emerged, so a nurse is sent in to check on him. Seeing her, the old man exclaims petulantly, ""I tried it with my right hand. Then I tried it with my left hand. I even hit it up against the toilet a few times, but I still can't get the top off this little bottle!"
· Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
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The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.
Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
· Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Fishing
Nuns
Bum
Lil'Giuseppe
Adultry
Sperm Bank
What You Never Want To Hear During Your Surgery
· Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
· Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
· Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
· Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
· Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
· Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
· Rats, there go the lights again...
· "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."
· Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
· Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
· What's this doing here?
· I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
· That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
· I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
· Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
· Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
· What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
· Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
· And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
· OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
· This patient has already had kids, am I correct?
· Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
· Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
· She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
· FIRE! FIRE1 Everyone get out!
· Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Traffic School
(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
A: Your car.
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
A: The color.
A: Drive like minamoto.
A: Carry loaded weapons. Ways To Get Kicked Out Of Funerals
Warning Signs Of Insanity
· Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
· You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
· You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
· Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
· You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward off evil dandruff spirits.
· You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
· Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
· People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
· Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
· You laugh out loud during funerals.
· When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
· Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
· You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
· You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
· Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
· You collect dead windowsill flies.
· Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
· You like cats. Especially with mayo.
· You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
· You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
· You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.
· You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
· Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
· You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
· You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
· Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
· Melba toast excites you.
· When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
· You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
· Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
· You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
· Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
· Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
· You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
· You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
· You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
· You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
· People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
· You like reading lists like this.
