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Kae's AnniversariesHow we remember, celebrate, commemorate.
 My post at MISS Memorial Board: 20 April 2001
Today it is 4 years since we lost you. You would be a beautiful 3 1/2 year old running around doing funny things today if you were here with us. But you are not. And we are very sad. You were our first. We didn't even have time to get excited about you. Or I should say, we were excited, but didn't know how to express it, we were feeling shy. Kinda just couldn't believe you were coming really. I remember doing the test and then showing your daddy. We both just couldn't believe it, and I remember this kind of sheepish grin that daddy wore for the rest of the day. We walked up to the Uni and talked about who you might be, what we would do as parents, and of course about the practical matters like money and my working and dancing.
But those were peripheral concerns really, when I look back on it. When you died, I stopped dancing. It just didn't matter anymore.
Daddy has been very upset today about you. Lately, he has been struggling with you, and has finally come up with some thoughts. He thinks you were a boy, and he has changed your name from Kae to Cae. He feels bad because he doesn't feel that he loved you enough when you were here because he was spending time trying to get used to the idea and then before we knew it you were gone. I hope you don't mind - we don't really know what you were as far as boy or girl, but it doesn't really matter. You were our child and if you were either, both, whatever, we would have loved you because that is what we do as parents, love our children. I am just so happy that he sees you as a distinct person, one that he can name and one that he can envision.
Its been hard around here. We just lost your sister, Imogen. Having her gone makes us miss you even more. We wish we knew more about you, but we just didn't know what to do. When you fell out of me I should have scooped you up and taken you to the hospital, but you were no more than a smallish stone. You would have fit into the palm of my hand, my fingers would have closed around you. I should have done this. I should have viewed you, examined you, acknowledged you. But I just didn't know what to do.....Forgive me please....Please don't ever think we didn't love you. We do.
I hope you are guiding your brother and sisters through. We wish you all were here. I guess Daddy and I will go do something today - maybe see a movie. That is what we do together.
All my love, Kae AKA Cae Meagher: 20 April 1997, 11 weeks gest.
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