Trouble 1996 -2004
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This is a page telling about the troubles I had, the past 8 years...
I am living in the Inner Warrior. Brigitte has moved in. We didn't talk about it. Suddenly her suitcases were standing in the sleeping room. Although I thought it strange, I welcomed her. She is beautiful, but also strange. The other day I entered the bathroom, while she was taking a shower, and she tried to hide herself, totally scared me seeing her... Why? The story she told me was shocking. She had been abused by 3 uncles and her father. The story was so devastating, I could only feel compassion for her. She has been struggling for years, by herself. Her family doesn't believe her...
Not long after, she tells me she is pregnant. While I have no problem telling my girlfriend, I don't want a kid, and take an abortion (happened already one time) , this time I feel a 'YES'. The parties go on, but Brigitte, shy as she is, hides more and more. Then she tells me the noise and the people are too much for her. I try to keep my friends more away, but she decides to leave. Our communication wasn't good. While she wants to live in this small space with me together, I want to take her out into the world. She actually walks a bit bend over, trying to hide, when she goes to the kitchen, while my friends are sitting in front of the fireplace...
I help her to find a house, where she can be in peace. I still have an apartment, where a friend is using the space growing clones for marihuana. I help him out, and we have a temporary agreement. I give him notice, but he doesn't leave. after 5 months I decide to move his clone-mothers to another room, so Brigitte can continue painting. They are dying, and after the move, they did die. When this friend comes back from vacation, he shows up with a friend, and wants money for the 2 plants which died. Fl 25.000,- (EUR 11.500,-). Or else...
Brigitte finds another place to live, while I have to deal with this black-mail. I end up in a fight, where I break my jaw, and decide to pay. The Inner Warrior is suffering, with me in all this tensions. I decide to take a step back, and my best friend 'Pagalo' offers to take over the organization. After 4 month, none of the friends is around any more, the atmosphere has changed from caring to using, knife stabs in the couch and graffiti on my paintings, and while I started this club, specially for people older than 30, now only teenagers are around. After 8 months, I tell Pagalo, I am going to take over and go live downstairs again. He tells me no. I can't move back in my space again. He says there is a verbal agreement that the foundation rents the space from me, and that the rent is a back payment for the investment I did, wich was one tenth of the actual investment! I am being fucked in the ass!
It is hell. Not only for me. I go through the place with a bat, roughen up Pagalo, who is still recovering from a brain hommerage, and work with energy, to get them out. In the mean time, Tischa is born.
I leave this house, to live with Brigitte in a small apartment, she got from a friend of mine. Now the next trouble begins. Brigitte can't deal with Tischa, and her suddenly so confined life. She leaves for France, not knowing when she is going to be back. There I am, sitting with a baby, in a house that is not mine, no work but some savings, Brigitte gone.
She is back after 2 weeks. She couldn't be without Tischa. But she doesn't know when she is going to leave again. I have to go look for a job. Richard, a friend of me, offers me a job as a carpenter, decor builder. I take it. Here I start my career as a decor builder.
Brigitte is erratic in her behavior. I need to know where I am at, and decide to bring structure to our lives. I have to, or I will go down. In the coming years, Brigitte has regular crises, and she was diagnosed 'Borderline'. We talked about letting my sister have Tischa, and these crises affected me seriously. To win her trust and friendship, I had to be there for her, whenever she was down. I introduced her to my friends, and told her to be in love again, and come home whenever she needed, with me. I was there for her all the time. Then the next bomb fell.
After 5 years, I told Brigitte I needed some time for myself, to build up my life. Every girlfriend I had, I told I had to be there for Brigitte, when she was down. It was impossible to maintain. I needed to have my own life. She took it black and white. Two months later she told me she wanted to go and live with my former best friend, Enricho, in Munchen, Germany. 850 Kilometers away from here. I was in shock. Half a year before I took her and Tischa to Thailand, knowing she wanted to live somewhere in nature, out of the Netherlands, and I have been looking for locations for us to go. I wanted Tischa to have a mother and father. And now, she wanted to leave alone.
I said to her I would go and live there too, and if she could help looking for a place to live, and ask her friends there for work. She told me I had to look for this myself. Her door was closed. I told her I wouldn't allow her to take Tischa with her, but I just had to find out, I had no rights... I went to talk with lawyers, social this and that. I am a father with no rights. I begged Brigitte, cried, pleaded. Nothing helped. Even the therapist she was seeing supported her. When I had a talk with him I made clear he was generating two more patients, by supporting her. It didn't matter. Now I got mad!
I called the police telling the location of a marihuana garden where Brigitte was making money to go to Germany every month. He was also a former friend... Pagalo. He took my home and club. I mill metered my hair, and told him and his friends, if they had any problem with this, they knew where I was living.. Enricho was next. He laughed when I told him about the situation, and that I didn't want Brigitte to take Tischa. I told him he would be next, if he would help her take Tischa away. I am moving in a criminal circuit and this guy is no pussy. But I managed to scare the shit out of everybody. Still Brigitte wanted to go. She got another boyfriend, who would take her to the states... It was getting absurd. I wrote a letter to the child protection, had talks with different organizations and finally told the social security, Brigitte was staying in Germany, one week every month.
For 5 months, every weekend I said goodbye to Tischa. Brigitte told me she didn't know when she was going to leave, but leaving, she was sure of. 5 long months. After these 5 months, I was a skeleton. She didn't go. With help from friends, the tensions within the family... It was horror time. I took Brigitte for consults to a borderline center, where he told Brigitte, she had to use medicine. And me, I had to deal with my anger. He made me understand Borderline better, and Brigitte felt he managed to get to her faster than her therapist had managed in 5 years!. But she refused medicine. The friendship between her and me is over. And I had to recover...
I kept on being sick regularly. Beside the emotional strain I endured, and my allergies popping up, I found just recently what gave me this extra stress. The drain pipe underneath my floor had been leaking for years! Then I got mail from a money collector. I helped a friend 6 years ago with his insurance on his Harley. He never paid. I have to pay EUR 4000,-! That's it. I am trying to survive with my own company, but at this moment, I am doing what I can, economics is down, Euro made everything way more expensive, as does the government, my regular customers are broke (Exhibits and decor companies are completely down), and work in renovation is slow. Well, what the hack. I love Tischa, and she is still here...
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