For fun I had put my profile in 'Relatie Planeet', a dating site in the Netherlands. First click was on a picture, of S. I was no member yet, so the only thing I could do was send a heart. She responded! From there on we started to chat. MSN video chat. She is gorgeous. She has her own website-BLOG, and I was astounded by the beauty of her pictures and poems, beside her eyes...

We danced and started to cuddle and kiss.. It was so beautiful. I felt we fitted together perfectly. I was amazed by her beauty, tenderness and her eyes. WOW! I could not believe this was happening. I believe we danced all night long. The man from the lights had at a moment even a spot light focused on us, seeing something beautiful was happening here.

When the disco closed, I brought her home. The two of us on the bicycle in the middle of the night. We held hands... I felt a teenager again. We passed my house on the way to hers, and the question was there, would we stay together that night... and we returned to my house. I didn't want to stay together straight away, but then, when she said she wanted, what could I say? No? We only slept, without any sexual tension, at home with each other. Not really that much sleeping, because I was watching her every breath... I felt it to be so natural. It's beautiful to have these spaces with a woman.

4 days later we went for a walk on the beach, and ended up in a restaurant, with a view on the harbor. The sight was great, and I loved being with her as did she love to be with me. We got to the car, only to find out it had a flat tire. I managed to drive to the gas station, to borrow a winch, since I didn't have one. Everybody helped us, me on the floor, she waiting at the side, watching. That night again, we slept together.... and it was beautiful. I wanted her! I want to be with her! Melting, I said, 'we are the same', and she said 'yes, we are'. We made love.

Somewhere along the line, she had told me, she was dating someone from her work since 2-3 months. But she was missing something with him. For me this was saying 'I am available', and after this second  night, I asked her what was our present situation, concerning him. There it was, things went wrong. She thought it to be harsh to tell him she didn't want to date him anymore... She didn't want to hurt him. We joked a bit about me having another girlfriend, but somewhere inside me got hurt. Wasn't this as special for her as it was for me? I got confused.

Next day we went out to the beach. Tischa and Matthias were there too...

12 September 2004

Matthias... The wind was blowing with tremendous force. The kite blew apart, and we decided to leave the beach to have a walk in the park....

S and Matthias. She is gorgeous. I can not not feel for her. What should I do?

Tischa loved them.

We went back to the sea, bought some ice cream, and let the kids play in the round-about.

Matthias and Tischa. S calls him by the name 'Ties', as I do with Tischa....

I brought them back home, where she gave me a little affection. I was sad. In the car I told Tischa what was the situation. Those crazy women. I seem to find them everywhere.

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Next day we had a talk, and suddenly she understood why I was so distant, the other day. I told her I didn't want to be in this situation, and if she wanted to keep on seeing me, she had to make a choice. She promised to tell the other guy, it was over. She wanted to be with me, and have the opportunity to see each other whenever we wanted, not only when he wasn't there... Things didn't work out that way.

The strange things began. I didn't hear from her for 5 days, but 2 SMS's. She had a hard time closing up the old 'relationship', and got into hiding. She was confused... Now, what is this kind of a signal? I didn't want to believe it, so I waited...

Finally contact. We made an appointment. We were going to the movies... She told me to call me where we were going to meet. I thought to go ahead, and wait for her at the theatre, called her, but she didn't pick up the phone. I waited 50 minutes, SMS't and phoned. Nothing.

Since then, something broke. This was also the second time she left me waiting. Exactly at the same place, the bar next to the theatre. This isn't right! In the evening I got an e-mail, where she said, she was in panic. Got in panic, because the other man disconnected from her emotionally. Suddenly, it was clear. This is a messed up case. I got to get out!

She wasn't ghappy!

The kids were asking about the other. They liked each other. Matthias wanted a sister like Tischa (S told me), and Tischa a brother like Matthias...

September 27 2004. 

She has gone, out of my life. With the other guy. What started great, ended. Why the heck put yourself at a dating site, if you have a lover, let alone, create something new... I was fooled... see my BLOG . Next time better.. Hope she is happy now. I wonder... How can two souls meet in such a way, and end up like this. I actually knew what was coming, and accepted the consequences. The price of love...

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Bewildered, confused, in agony, whaaaaaattt?.

Yup.

I am here. Where are you?.

Yes, I am a fool!.

September 30 2004. 

She did not try to contact me anymore. Yup, here she is, there she is vanished...

October 1 2004

Strange is, that I think I can feel her. Her mood had changed to tears for a short moment, when I shortly congratulated with her sun's birthday, and gave her best wishes with her illness. I didn't wait for her answer. I am giving her what she gives me, the silent treatment. Even if we are the same, what we found out, she preserves her innocence by going inside and hide, while I went outside and fought. I miss the spaces, that she still keeps, but I don't agree with an almost mental way of going into denial of the present, and going into an autistic mode. Communication doesn't always brings people to where you are and want to be, and it takes time to make friends on your level. And If you are afraid for an argument, well, whom am I talking too anyway. My soul-mate took another road. I had put a message on my blog, I fell for another girl. Changed my MSN message, I was in love. It was to see how S would react, and if I would notice a change in our connection. Feels like the link I had with S is getting less. I know she reads my Blog every day... As she never contacts me, she is the quiet sufferer and dreamer. Hello real world! I am real. As is the Herpes.

Some how I still can't believe this all has happened this way. A part of me is hoping, she will turn around, and say, 'he, here I am!' for me only, and promise to deal with her communication issue. Speak out when she feels alone, afraid of abandonment, or anything. Find those words! But then, I am looking around again. This seems a hopeless case. I tried to say goodbye a few times, but there is still this little connection, and hope. It's just growing away...

bye bye...

October 2, 2004

She saw this page after I updated it today. Right away I got an e-mail. She felt I was feeling revenge. She made clear it was by being with me, she discovered the other man, was her man. I should put her in another place, before I could only think bad about her. She told me sorry again, for her bad behavior towards me. I feel disconnected from her now. It started this afternoon in the bar already. This is what I needed to know. Thank you, S. For your inspiration, and letting me go. There is space again for someone else...

I had to see a doctor, since my dig was red and moist, and had little blisters on it. One week after sleeping with S. these symptoms came up. I am sure never to have had these symptoms, and although one can be a bearer of Herpes, without knowing this, the first time it shows, is after one week after infection! I phoned S right after visiting the doctor, spoke messages in her voice mail, and send SMS's. She didn't respond. I wanted to tell her in person, but she refused to pick up the phone... I send her an e-mail. No response. I called her friend O. and then, next day I received n e-mail from her. I explained what was the situation, and she told me never to have had any symptoms. She was going to see a doctor about this. Never heard anything since... Was I the Herpes carrier? Or did I get it from her? Does she have it now? Did she have it before? I'll never know.

November 17, 2004

Unfortunately she has taken all her pictures off her BLOG. It's a shame. They were beautiful. Guess she didn't want anybody to know she has probably Herpes and how she looks like... (since I link to her BLOG). 

Nor that she probably passed it on to me! I was stupid not to use a condom, but she probably passes it around to many guys! Be aware! She is a beautiful person with little responsibility! It is fully your responsibility! And be aware with me! I, for sure, have Herpes now!

I met Marc, on the way to the opening of Emiel's exhibition. We went together.

Emiel and some people at the exhibit.

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Behind them some of Emiel's work. Looks very good! Beautiful. If I had the money and a place for them, I would buy it.

Thor, Marc's sun, and Tischa in front of one of Emiel's art pieces...

 or Feedback on ShanT's web site

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Stephanie Klein has got Herpes.

Stephanie Klein heeft Herpes.

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