I have a serious problem with inside jokes. On principle, I hate them, mostly because I'm usually way on the outside, which is not where you want to be at any time. The other thing about inside jokes that make me despise them so wholeheartedly is that whenever I do make my slow, painful passage inside, they're really not that funny. And I feel like I've wasted my time and energy, which is exactly what has happened. And I'm not good at making inside jokes. Besides which, I'm not the type of person that assumes you'll laugh at all my jokes, so the majority of the inside jokes I have are with myself. If all my jokes are with myself, I know where the funny parts are and only laugh at those. The punch line is always appreciated.

An inside joke one has with oneself is a joke that isn't all that funny to begin with.

I don't like people I don't like laughing at me.

If I love you, and you love me, and we're all one big happy family, what are we fighting over? Let's hug and kiss instead. Everyone knows THAT is more fun than anything else. Except milking a moose, perhaps. Milking a moose would be so exciting! Especially if you're a maid or if you do it in the morning because then you could get some serious alliteration going, and trust me, that's absolutely necessary if you're aspiring to be Poe. Although I can tell you right now that you probably can never be as good or even as nearly as good as Poe. It's a depreciation of Poe's genius for his poetry to be even compared to your crappiness. Just thought I ought to tell you. Can you remember what I started this paragraph out talking about?

Happiness is a drunken monkey, and I'm no drunken monkey. I wish I were though. It just looks like so much fun, throwing poop at people and them not even being mad about it. They'll laugh and point and feed you bananas, but they won't get mad. Now that's impunity.

Summon ME to the Blue Doors. It's my turn now.

Monkey cheese, monkey doo.

Worried about your personality, or lack thereof? You can stop because you have the world's second best personality. Personality (according to my big blue dictionary) is the visible character traits of a person. Character traits being vague, I looked up "character" which is "...the aggregate of features and traits that make up the individual nature of a person or thing." I like nature. Nature implies naked, so I quit with the dictionary there. You were born naked. By that syllogistic logic (and my ability to spell "syllogistic") I've come to the conclusion that you do have a personality. You spend your time worrying about it. That counts as a personality, and as a comparison to the other personalities I know, have come to the other conclusion that it's the second best in the whole world.

One good thing about my sad little life is that the cow says, "moo." What do you say? She munches on her yummy grass while you munch on your yummy chips. Mmm, Doritos are SO good! No they're not; you know the nacho cheese powder they have on them makes you gag. Yet you can't stop eating them. Either you have a psychological problem and you're trying to fill up an empty space in side of you and need to be told by a woman with glasses whom your parents are paying hundreds of dollars about that space or by that sweet guy looking longingly in your eyes that he can fill the space for you. Then you realize that he's just hoping to get lucky, and all he gets is a smack. Or maybe it could be the commercials that make you think you can't be happy without the Nacho Cheese Doritos. Yeah, I think I like the ad idea because then the sweet guy and I can still date. And it's all about still "going with" someone because then you don't have to bother with finding someone. That's no fun at all.

With chips and me, I usually go through phases. I guess because I'm female or maybe because I have self-esteem issues, I go through these weekends when I feel empty inside and I eat and eat to fill up that empty space, but that empty space isn't in my stomach, so eating doesn't help at all. But I do it anyway. And these mini depressed periods are in phases too, directly correlating with how long I've been in school. So within the larger monthly phases are cookie phases, ice cream phases, and chip phases. I even went through a Doritos phase once, but I don't really like Doritos, so who knows where that one came from. Just thought you'd like to know. Shows how often what I think is wrong. Twice now, is it?

One day this big ugly dude is going to blow up the world. It won't be cool for anyone. I mean, the explosives are going to make the world pretty hot. And I won't even get to say I told you so because I'd be blown to smithereens. We all will be, because this big ugly dude's blowing up the whole world. Not just France.

Why is it that even girls are embarrassed about talking about their periods? I mean, they get it every month, everyone gets it every month, and they still giggle and tell me to shut up because they're trying to eat lunch. I want to shove the lunch up their ugly faces. Didn't they hear society? They shouldn't be eating anymore. They're already way overweight. They're never going to be successful, they're going to be fat. Look at them, they actually eat three meals a day. And ice cream for dessert.

I read somewhere that people's souls look like flowers. If that's true, then what do flowers' souls look like? But for me, that's really an idle question. I don't think it's possible to see anyone's soul. Souls you just have to feel from the inside. From your gut. Anything to say that word. Gut, gut, gut.

So many people say they wish their lives were like sitcoms. There's a good reason they want a fake life filled with affected laughter about unreal situations that are marked by scripted jokes. The problems are solved in half an hour, and it ends with a hug and everyone loving each other. Some days though, I don't want to sit through a whole rerun. I just want a quick laugh and then to move on with the rest of my TV time. I think vignettes are superior to sitcoms in this sense. You get in, you get out, and you get that laugh or tear that you were aiming for. I wish my life was a vignette mostly because I personally wouldn't want to sit through a half hour of it, even if it does end with me hugging my mommy, and my daddy, and my pet fish that I named Herbie.